MMNMMM1KHMMMMI 


FARMER' 


p 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


• 


o     s 

BILLINGS' 
O          L  T> 

FARMER'S 
ALLMINAX 

187O  187^ 

WITH  COMIC  ILLUSTRATIONS 


PERHAPS 

RAIN 


PERHAPS 

NOT 


N  EW         YORK. 

G    -W-DILLINGHAM        CO 

1902, 


COPYRIGHT,  1870, 1871, 1873, 1873, 1874, 1875, 1876, 1877, 1878, 1879,  BY 
G.  W.  CARLETON  &  CO. 


COPYRIGHT,  1903,  BY 
WM.  H.  DUFF 

ADMINISTRATOR  ESTATE  OF  HENRY  W.  SHAW 


JOSH  BILLINGS' 
FARMER'S  A  I.LMI  NAX 


TM 

6161 


SIGHTS  Or  THE  ZODMK. 


The  undersighned  iz  an  Amerikan  brave,  in  hiz  grate 
tragick  akt  ov  being  attaked  bi  the  twelve  constella- 
shuns. — (May  the  best  man  win.) 

Head  and  Poet,     f 


KEY  TEW  THE  ABUV  PERFORMANCE. 

Tew  kno  exackly  whare  the  sighn  iz,  multiply  the  day 
ov  the  month  bi  the  sighn,  then  find  a  dividend  that  will 
go  into  a  divider  four  times  without  enny  remains,  sub- 
trakt  this  from  the  sighn,  add  the  fust  quoshunt  tew  the 
last  divider,  then  multiply  the  whole  ov  the  man's  boddy 
bi  all  the  sighns,  and  the  result  will  be  jist  what  yu  are 
looking  after. 


871027 


BILLINGS'  FAMILY  TIME  TABLE. 

Amazi  begot  Hezaki,  Hezaki  begot  Eldad,  Eldad 
begot  Behomath,  Behomath  begot  Zepheniah  (Zepheniah 
waz  a  conundrum  maker,  sum  ov  which  hav  been  handed 
down),  Zepheniah  begot  Ezekiel,  Ezekiel  begot  Issacher 
(Issaker  waz  a  bad  speller,  which  haz  bin  handed  down 
too),  Issaker  begot  Nehemiah,  Nehemiah  begot  Methuseler, 
Methuseler  begot  Nabob  (Nabob  waz  a  snob),  Nabob 
begot  Jerrymiah,  and  Jerrymiah  begot  Absolum  Billings 
(who  is  admitted  bi  every  boddy  who  remembers  him  tew 
le  the  most  humblyest  looking  man  in  the  qtA  Century). 
Absolum  begot  Josh,  and  so  they  kept  bizzy  begetting. 

After  the  Billings  family  once  struck  the  front  name, 
Josh,  they  clung  tew  it  I  find  over  6  hundred  ov  that 
name  extant,  besides  a  grate  menny  who  haz  bekum 
extanted. 

The  Billings  hav  bin  a  helthy  old  breed  az  fur  back  az 
i  have  dug  for  them,  which  they  owe  principally  tew  a 
milk  diet  It  iz  sed  that  Behomath  Billings,  one  ov  our 
pristmes,  could  drean  a  cow  perfektly  dry  at  one  sitting. 
If  this  iz  so,  it  helps  explain  the  great  amount  ov  milk  in 
the  Billings  natur. 

I  dont  find  enny  old  bachelors,  nor  old  maids,  amung 
our  ansesstqrs,  inkrease  and  multiply  haz  alwus  bin  the 
battle  cry  of  the  Billings. 


OPINIONS  OF  THE  PRESS 


AFTER  SEEING  THE  ADVANCE  SHEETS  0V 


m\m 


«jj\  J>  rfr 

ash  ipinflsJ'  f  armm'  flllmi 
/ji          \j          ^j 

FOR  THK  YEAR  1870. 


"  We  seldum  notis  the  current  Amerikan  literature  ov  the  day, 
but  the  Billings  Allminax,  soon  tew  be  issued  by  Carleton,  is  a 
work  for  the  mothers  of  the  Amerikan  Union." — London  Times, 
June  6tA,  1869. 


"Josh  Billings'  Farmers'  Allminax  iz  az  phull  ov  gems  az  a  dia 
mond  neklace,  az  phull  of  knowledge  az  Webster's  Spellin  Book, 
and  az  phull  of  cooking  and  cures  az  a  parson's  wife." — London 
Atheneum,  May  $lst,  1869. 


"  The  virtewous  thoughts  in  Josh's  Allminax  iz  gin  cocktails  for  the 
idle,  and  brandy  straights  for  the  viscious." — Atlantik  Semi-Monthly, 
May  T,d,  1869. 


"  The  Billings'  Allminax  will  prove  a  rare  acquisition  tew  Amerikan 
literature ;  the  astronomikal  calculashuns  are  unique,  the  language 
elegant,  the  moral  perfekt,  the  sentiments  just,  and  the  whole  thing 
extremely  bully." — Boston  Ledger,  May  1st,  1869. 


"  In  theze  daze  of  tawdry  novels,  imbecile  poetry,  and  florid  his- 
torys,  it  iz  charming  tew  take  up  such  a  brilliant  thing  az  Josh 
Billings'  Farmers'  Allminax,  whare  philosophy  and  sentiment  frolik 
together,  and  whare  wit  sits  in  state,  with  one  arm  around  the  waist 
ov  morality." — Omaha  Patriot,  July  ifh,  1869. 


JANUARY  MONOGRAPH. 

This  month  waz  named  after  one  Janus,  a  sharp 
sighted  old  chap,  with  a  face  like  a  pikaxe,  so  that  he 
could  look  both  ways  at  once,  back  onto  the  old  year, 
and  forward  onto  the  new  one.  At  the  latter  part  ov  his 
life  he  died  of  a  thaw,  leaving  a  snug  little  property,  sum 
six  or  seven  hundred  dollars,  which  akordin  tew  one  ov 
the  bye-laws  ov  hiz  will,  waz  invested  in  tin  back 
thermometers,  and  distributed  amung  the  suffering  poor 
ov  his  native  village,  az  mementoze  ov  Janus. 


DOMESTIC  RECEIPTS. 

Tew  find  the  square  root  ov  a  hog's  noze,  turn  him 
into  a  gardin  patch. 


Tew  enjoy  a  good  reputashun,  giv  publickly,  and  steal 
privately. 


Tew  remove  grease  from  a  man's  karakter,  let  him 
strike  sum  sudden  ile. 


Tew  giv  oysters  an  extra  good  relish,  eat  them  at 
sumboddy  else's  expense. 


Tew  git  wrong  things  out  ov  yure  child's  head, — comb 
it  often. 


•ftratfj 


*V.V^IY& 

.t-      *  *  «»*.  V   _  **^9  Si       ~*      *•      . »  . . . 


>3-^*^,  r"v- 

t»<^. 


31  Days. 


JANUARY. 


61 


1870. 


o*  X 


r  who  bifarmin  would  git  riff  A, 
Must  plough,  and  so,  and  dig,  and  sith. 
Work  hard  all  day,  sleep  hard  all  nite, 
Save  every  cent,  and  not  git  tite. 


9  Id 


Prognostix. 


INK  BRA  TS. 


w 


13 

14 
15 

16 


M 


18 


W 


23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3° 


M 


W 


n  Cold&*  A  6 
Daniel  A  Lambert 
6  JbornO  6  1793 
high  ©  tides  $ 
^perhaps  &  ^ 

r<z/'«  JJ  perhaps 
©  »<?/  S5  Milky 
way  8  fust* 
discovered"?  13860 
Jjl  Weather  Qfo 
shifty^)  filay  inlS" 

^  &  yure  ice  iSi 
cream  cow  a*  ^ 
K  for  f  next  Jp 

©summer  © 
©  £  Sighns  ov  a  S 

2  Q  Zsthaw 
it  duz  thaw*&  O  T 
•  O  Gulliver 

^returns  # 
from  his  TlJlif 
V3  travels  •17002 

'J?  ^  now  harvest 
yure  6  snow  li  4 
K  blusteringttSb\>\\l 
frogs  quietiYi  4 

ft  ©£7 John23  2 
Smith  A  born* 

©  K  iti  for  the 
fust  ti 


When  a  rooster  crows,  he  crows 
all  over. 


A  nu  milk  Cow  is  stepmother 
tew  evry  mans  baby. 


Whenever  i  kan  find  a  real 
hansum  woman  engaged  in  the 
"wimmins  rights"  bizzness,  then 
i  am  going  tew  take  mi  hat  under 
mi  arm,  and  jine  the  procession. 


Debt  is  a  trap,  which  a  man 
sets,  and  baits  himself,  and  then 
deliberately  gets  into,  —  and 
ketches  a  kursid  phool. 


Angels  handle  the  dice  when 
doublets  are  thrown  in  the  cradle. 


FEBUARY  MONOGRAPH. 

This  month  haz  but  28  days,  the  extreme  kold  weather 
that  prevails  haz  puckered  up  the  month.  Once  in  four 
years  thare  iz  a  big  melt  and  then  the  month  swells,  and 
haz  29  days.  This  month  iz  looked  upon  az  unpleasant, 
and  it  iz  unpleasant  for  digging  out  woodchucks,  but  for 
setting  in  front  of  the  fire,  and  skinning  apples,  and 
snapping  the  seeds  at  the  galls,  it  kant  be  beat  The 
name  ov  this  month  is  derived  from  an  old  Chinese  word 
(now  lost)  which  means  condem  kold. 


USEFUL  HINTS  TEW  BOARDIJf  HOUSE 
KEEPERS. 

In  buying  roast  beef,  dont  forgit,  that  roast  beef,  tew 
be  bully,  must  be  tuff 


Be   kerful    how  yu    soke    yure    makrel,    too   mutch 
sokeing,  takes  the  wear  out  ov  them. 


In  selekting  a  yung  goose  for  yure  table,  dont  forgit 
tew  remember,  that  the  longer  a  goose  has  lived  in  this 
world,  the  more  experience  he  will  hav,  when  he  cums 
tew  be  chawed. 


Keep  a  cow,  and  then  the   milk   wont  hav  tew  be 
watered  but  once. 


28  Days. 


FEBRUARY. 


1870 


Bring  mitynre  bran  nu  cutter. 

And  git  ytire  galls  consent, 
Then  hitch  up  Dobbin,  or  sum  other  kruttur, 

And  let  the  animile  went. 


6 

o.  \ 


3  f 


Prognostix. 


SHAD  SCALES. 


13 
14 

«s 

16 

17 

18 


23 
24 

25 
26 
27 

28 


M 


M 


\V 


$  Gusty  a*  squalls  £ 
St.  f  Valentine  V 
9  killed  270  O 

rtfri  more  gusty 
Valentine  e>  V 

waz  ^  Cupid'sl? 
9  Corresponding 
Secretary  fi  sncwj 

ljl  storms  still 
loafing  Jj^  around  S\_ 
®  M*  tf  j/^x  %  Roger 
Sherman  waz  a  ,5 
shoemakerlT  farmers 
£?  will  TTB  now  H 

•  sprinkle  their 
hay  with  brine  \3  © 
2  and  skratch  their 
pigs  G  backs  ®  snow 
A  falls  J  in  6 

chunks  fi  nowljl 
trap  for  rttt  mice 
2  ¥  and  other 

furs  Q  pepper  n 
sass  fust  diskovered 
3jt  1496  sighns  wags 
*thaw  Ben  Franklin 
waz  a  J|^~  printer. 


Fools  are  the  whet  stuns  ov 
society. 

If  a  man  haint  got  a  well  bal- 
lanced  head,  i  like  tew  see  him 
part  hiz  hair  in  the  middle. 


It  iz  a  strange  and  lamentable 
fakt,  that  yu  kant  advance,  nor 
even  inaugurate,  a  moral  move 
ment  without  the  aid  ov  money — 
yu  kan  run  a  saw  mill  on  credit, 
but  yu  kant  run  the  gospel. 


'  When  i  waz  yung,  i  used  tew  feel 
good  six  days  in  two,  but  now  i 
am  old,  if  I  kan  manage  tew  feel 
good  two  days  in  six,  i  think  i  am 
doing  fust  rate. 


Flattery  iz  like  colone  water, 
tew  be  smelt  ov,  not  swallered. 


MARCH  MOJfOQRAPH. 

This  month  derives  her  pedigree  from  the  Danish 
verb  "  Wfiizz"  which  means  to  blow,  to  wheeze,  to  snort, 
to  pitch  in  endways,  and  crossways,  to  shake  winder 
blinds,  to  smash  barn  doors,  to  skare  pigs,  to  brake 
clothes  lines,  to  make  men  sware,  and  wimmin  balky. 
March  iz  principally  immense  for  wind,  but  whare  it  all 
cutns  from,  and  whare  it  all  goes  to,  are  prize  conum- 
drums  which  i  kant  untangle  Dogs  kreated  this  month 
invariably  hav  the  bark  on. 


ATTEJfSHUM  FARMERS. 

Rathbun's  "Old  oaken  bucket  washing  masheen." 
For  washing,  bleaching,  bileing,  wringing,  starching, 
blueing,  hanging  out,  drieing,  ironing,  marking,  fluting, 
and  folding  clothes,  this  lovely  masheen  haz  no  competi 
tor  in  the  male,  or  femail  world.  This  iz  the  only 
masheen  in  the  western  hemisphear,  that  takes  the  inside 
cloth  oph  from  a  man's  back  on  the  keen  jump,  and  puts 
it  back  agin,  in  15  minnitts,  washed,  dried,  ironed, 
starched,  the  buttons  sowed  on,  and  the  collar  turned 
down.  Ask  for  Rathbun's  Old  oaken  bucket  washing 
masheen,  and  keep  asking  till  yu  git  it,  and  when  yu  hav 
got  it,  hug  it  tew  yure  buzzum. 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


1870. 


Mend  fences  now,  and  die/its  dig. 
Lay  in  some  cow,  and  little  pig, 
For  milk,  and  for  it, 
Iz  what  enables  a  man  tew  do  a  good  square  day's  work. 


*  Irti 

Progtwstix. 

SARDINES. 

i 

2 

T 
W 
T 

V3  Windy\  winds  O 
with   sighns  t  V3  &. 

Thare  is  only  one  good  substi 
tute  for  the  endearments  of  a  sis 

4 
5 

F 
S 

"Sorosis"  (O)  fust 
born  9  n  1206  born 

ter,  and  that  iz  the  endearments 
ov  sum  other  phellows  sister. 

6 

G 

Oagin*  g  © 

1 

M 

1868  %-very-%wtndy 

8 

T 

with  &  n  wind 

Cheerfull  old  girls  are  the  brides 

9 

W 

U  $  gusts   peach  7? 

maids  ov  society. 

M 

T 

crop  cut^Mji 

IX 

F 

off  az8  f  V  usual 

0  

12 
13 

14 

is 

16 

S 
G 
M 
T 

W 

Robinson  t-STtCruso 
X  9  died  •  1492 
now  yoke  i  n  pigs 
and  geese  *  iff. 
plant  05"  lobsters 

About  the  meanest  kritter  thare 
iz  now  travelling  around  on  the 
buzzum  ov  the  earth,  iz  a  bashfull 
hypokritt. 

i? 

T 

and  9   '3  lettiss  for 

0  

18 

F 

0 

€3  sallad  look  O  out 

I   hope  i  shall   never   hav   so 

20 

o 

G 

ofpjr  V3  wind 

mutch   reputashun,   that  i   shant 

21 

M 

count  J  fl  yureriK 
^  cockroaches  s 

feel  obliged  tew  be  civil. 

22 

T 
VV 

and  see  if  U  Oenny 

o  

23 

i^-hav  bin  O  mislaid 

24 

T 

F> 

congress  O  9 

The  biggest  phool  in  this  world 

25 
26 

S 

adjourns  T  lessQ 

hazn't  been  born  yet 

G 

wind  sour  25  a«</ 

28 

M 

f<;/(/  a  0  V  good  V3 

° 

29 

3° 

T 
W 
T 

3  TIB  time  O  to 
trade  off  SI  # 
a  mule  2Q?3"  O 

Natur  is  just  az  honest  az  a 
cow. 

APRIL  MONOGRAPH. 

"  April,  dear  April,  chuck  full  ov  charms, 

Cum,  cum,  oh  cum,  tew  mi  arms," 

thus  warbled  the  poet,  more  than  twelve  thousand  years 
ago,  and  he  knew  his  bizz,  he  had  the  right  sting  in  him, 
he  want  none  ov  yure  pedigree  poets,  nor  dispepshee 
poets,  nor  whiskee  poets. 

Dandylions  planted  this  month  are  almost  sure  tew  hed 
out,  so  are  tud  stools,  so  are  hed  cheeze.  This  month 
iz  also  helthy  for  planting  onions,  onions  are  a  luxury, 
and  are  good  for  a  bad  breth,  or  are  bad  for  a  good 
breth,  i  hav  forgot  which,  but  either  way  iz  right. 


VALUABEL  ADVICE  TEW  YUNG 
SPORTSMEN. 

t&"  In  fishing  for  musketoze  dont  wait  for  them  tew 
bite  the  seckond  time. 

J86f  The  best  bait  for  bed  bugs,  iz  tew  sleep  three  in 
a  bed 

te?"  The  best  mark  for  target  praktiss  iz  an  old 
maskuKne  goose,  one  goose  will  last  yu  for  five  years, 
shooting,  and  when  he  finally  gits  struck  with  lightning, 
and  begins  tew  perish,  yu  kan  melt  him  up,  and  git  out 
the  lead 

J6f  The  best  kind  ov  a  spear,  for  bullfrogging,  iz  a 
four  tined  dung  fork,  when  you  git  the  tines  all  full, 
shoulder  the  fork,  and  put  for  .home. 


30  Days. 


APRIL. 


1870. 


Jet/tro  Sparks  cum  tew  town, 

Athwart  a  kussid  mule. 
He  wound  hiz  ears  around  hit  nek, 

And  called  him  April  Phule. 


Prognostix. 


EMBERS  ON  THE  HARTH. 


'3 
14 
IS 
16 

17 
18 


22 
23 
24 
2S 
26 
27 
28 

29 

30 


Showery  >}  cxpekt® 

JK  r<j*'»  \3  stern 
winter  iz«fe  A ^T 

o'cr\3sow  peasO 
and  plant  lambs  i 
now  a*  Washington 
waz  theft  father  f 
T?ov  hiz  ffi  (country) 
(J7W/  rainQ  °f 
Washington  $  when 
a  little  boy  had*  9 
Tina  little*  J£ 
axiji  °f  gentle 

i£  shower s^f>  t  with 
which  he  iji  9 

©  X(  tomahawked 
a  tree  O  sig'ins  oj 
$  moisture  but  3  0 
when  4  asked  $ 
X  if  he  did  the  tree 
cutT&if  ra/wlflhe 
V  £  owned  the 

korn  ®O  lager 
beer  diskoverediti 
T  not  to  be  If  9 

intoxicating  §{11! 
i84S(Jipattent  taken 
out  fi  now  digl? 
for  umbrellers^rtfci 


He  whom  the  good  praze,  and 
the  wicked  hate,  ought  tew  be 
satisfied  with  hiz  reputashun. 


The  less  a  man  knows,  the 
more  he  will  guess  at,  and  guessing 
iz  nothing  more  than  suspicion. 


It  is  a  statistikal  fakt,  that  the 
wicked  work  harder  tew  reach 
Hell,  than  the  righteous  do  tew 
git  to  heaven. 


When  i  git  thoroughly  ntch,  the 
fust  thing  i  intend  to  do,  iz  tew 
bekum  respektabel. 


Men  generally,  when  they  whip 
a  mule,  sware,  the  mule  remem 
bers  the  swaring,  but  forgits  the 
licking. 


MAY  MONOGRAPH. 

May  iz  the  belle  ov  the  year,  she  haz  worn  the  belt 
for  five  thousand  years.  If  May  hadn't  hav  been  a 
sensible  girl,  she  would  hav  bin  spilte  long  ago  with 
poetry  and  stanzy.  But  she  Is  an  independant  kritter, 
and  dont  care  one  kuss  for  stanzy.  This  iz  an  eazy 
month  tew  fall  in  love,  our  naturs  are  now  fully  thawd 
out,  after  the  late  kold  snap,  and  like  a  little  melted 
brook,  begin  tew  look  around,  tew  find  another  little 
melted  brook  tew  mix  with.  Oh !  how  precious  and 
delightsum  it  iz  to  mix.  Hive  bees  during  this  month, 
if  yu  hav  got  sum,  if  not,  hive  sumboddy  else's. 


PATIENTS  ISSUED  DURING  1869. 

Feb.  ist  To  Ambrose  Griddle,  Esq.,  a  patient  for  a 
hen's  egg,  which  beats  the  natral  egg  for  awl  purposes, 
except,  cooking,  hatching,  and  eating. 


April  ijth.  To  Ezra  Push,  Jun.,  a  patient  for  a  one 
wheeled  velosipede.  This  wise  instrumenlalily  haz  two 
handles  lew  it,  and  iz  purswaded  by  taken  hold  ov  Ihe 
handles,  and  walking  between  ihem  with  a  shove  moshun. 
If  it  wasn't  a  velosipede,  it  would  be  an  old  fashioned 
wheelbarrow. 


March  loth.  To  David  Gibson,  for  a  patient  goose 
yoke.  These  yokes  are  packed  in  colton  wool,  and  sent 
bi  express  all  over  the  face  ov  the  earth,  Ihey  are  sudden 
tew  yoke  a  goose  with,  and  no  goose  should  be  wilhoul 
one. 


31  Days.                        MAY. 

1870. 

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2  ° 

Tne  Rooster  now  with  burstin  thrut. 

B  «   a 

1 

Proklaims  the  rozy  morn, 

>  •§    sr 

r\,    $i     V 

1^ 

And  cacklin  hens  are  telling  us. 
Another  egg  is  born. 

a  a 

*°    to   P" 

<J 

$ 

Prognostix. 

RAMRODS. 

I 

G 

)X"  Physician  SI 

2 

M 

heal  thyself,"®  8 

Piety  iz  like  beans,  it  seems  tew 

3 

T 

>fr  big  joke  o 

do  the  best  on  a  poor  sile. 

4 

W 

JJlon  physician  ill 

5 

T 

now  n  plant  A  <J  S 

0  

6 

F 

0  com  J  for  early 

7 
8 

9 

10 

ii 

S 
G 

M 
T 
W 

whiskey  4  showers 
with  sun  (Q) 
in  them  1TJ2.  spring 
l£haz  cum?  • 
adorned  likeV3 

About    the    hardest     thing    a 
phellow  kan   do,   iz    tew    spark 
two  girls  at  onst,  and  preserve  a 
good  average. 

12 

T 

O  a  bride  * 

13 

F 

sighns  Q  ov 

14 
15 

16 
18 

S 
G 
Mr 
T 

W 

33  rainQ  brides 
alwus  create  a©  • 
•  S  V3  sensashun 
HI  thundern 
mixed  with  &  f, 

1  had  rather  be  a  seed  cow- 
cumber,  flung  up  on  a  wood  pile, 
tew    ripen,  than   tew  be  an   old 
bachelor. 

'9 

T 

rain  °a  it  iz  more 

20 

F 

tdifilkult  tewx 

'              0 

21 

22 

23 
24 

S 
G 

M 
T 

be  a  bride  IP 
¥  than  a  brides  O 
maid  rii*abes 
)J  $1  in  the  ©  9 

Better    leave    yure     children 
virtew,  than  money,  but  this  is 
a  sekret  known  only  to  a  few. 

25 

W 

woods  diskovered  T 

26 

T 

HA  16264  $' 

01 

27 
28 
2O 

F 
S 
G 

J^~  harvest 
cowslops  for  t  Iff 

Going  tew  law,  iz  like  skinning 
a  nu  milk  cow  for  her  hide,  and 

*y 
3° 

M 

greens  VS.U  eggs 

giving  the  beef  tew  the  lawyeis. 

T 

By*  plenty  — 

JUNE  MONOGRAPH. 

June  iz  twin  sister  tew  May,  lacking  a  month.  She  iz 
named  after  Juno,  the  spouze  ov  Jupiter,  and  she  waz  a 
stirring  woman.  June  iz  the  mother  of  rozes  and  milk. 
June  iz  the  stepmother  of  good  gras  butter,  she  iz  also 
grate  granmother  ov  Bakon  and  Spinnage.  June  iz  a 
praktikal  gusher,  and  i  love  tew  stand  one  side,  and  let 
her  gush, — i  hav  made  it  a  rule  never  tew  git  in  the  way 
ov  a  gush  ov  enny  kind, — i  say  tew  everything,  gush  !  oh, 
gush! 


WORDS  TEW  HOUSE WIFE S. 

To  make  a  cheap  soup,  take  5  drops  ov  good  strong 
onion  juice,  add  2  gall's  ov  water,  bile  10  minnitts  kare- 
fully,  and  seazon  with  a  couple  ov  phatt  cockroches. 


To  make  a  hoe  kake,  take  a  hoe  and  bile  it  tew  a  thin 
jell,  and  then, — let  her  kake 


Tew  skin  a  Eel,  turn  him  inside  out,  and  remove  the 
meat  with  a  Jack  plane 


Tew  make  a  hen  lay  2  eggs  a  day,  reazon  with  her ; 
if  that  dont  dew,  threaten  to  chastize  her  if  she  dont. 


Tew  learn  yure  offspring  to  steaj,  make  them  beg 
hard  for  all  that  yu  giv  them. 


30  Days. 


o 

~   8- 


e 


JUNE. 


1870 


Now  bate  yurc  hook,  andfnd  a  brook. 
Where  water  runs  thefasstcst, 

Thare  lays  the  trout,  jist  jerk  him  out. 
And  chuck  him  in  yure  basket. 


IS 


frognostix. 


OATS. 


13 
14 

15 

16 

17 
18 

19 


M 


W 


M 


\V 


23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 


VV 


3° 


/4/  times  warm  9  at 
G  Bother  times 
Q  warmer®  Q 
muskeeters  5  ©  * 

TIE  8  looking  for  a 
job  8  S  Sinbad 

the  sailorrtji 
^  wrecked? 
£^•1385  /fo/  sighns 
<n>  warm  ®  If 

w/atfter  S  straw 
berrys  23^™  25 
cents  a  quart  0 
0  istrawberrys 
large,  quarts  small  |||| 
Tls/imuersTl\,'D. 
with  0  ^T  rain®  9 

remember  theV 
poor  natur  a  0 

grows  ^  Old 
t  Grimes  died 
1785  <•  he  had 

S  a  good  old  8 
rt(i  soul  fi  dark 

nights  9  mint 
juleps  in*TTj 

market  ff  ^  fakts 
nare  stubborn  O 
things  i  so  be  mules 


The  rime  tew  be  karefullest  iz 
when  we  hav  a  hand  full  ov 
trumps. 


Old  dorgs  nuss  their  grudges, 
but  yung  purps  fite,  and  then 
frolick. 


Mother  I— The  holy  thoughts, 
and  memorys,  that  cluster  around 
this  name,  can  never  be  so  well 
expressed,  az  in  the  calm  utterance 
ov  the  name  itself. 


I  thank  the  Lord  for  one  thing, 
that  the  hardest  word  in  enny 
language  tew  say,  iz — No  ! 


I  had  ratner  undertaik  tew  be 
two  good  Doves,  than  one  decent 
sarpent. 


JULY  MONOGRAPH. 

July  iz  the  sixth  month,  which  ackounts  for  its  being 
so  near  the  middle  ov  the  year.  It  derives  its  name  from 
"  Julos  "  a  hot  old  phellow,  who  settled  near  the  equator, 
at  an  early  day,  and  kept  every  boddy  in  hiz  naberhood, 
in  a  profound  swett.  July  haz  menny  features  ov  interest, 
the  principle  one  ov  which,  iz,  the  payment  ov  semi 
annual  interest,  by  most  ov  the  banks,  on  the  fust  day  ov 
the  month,  upon  their  principal.  This  iz  a  fine  old 
custom,  and  i  hope  it  will  be  kept  up,  for  i  own  a  leetle 
bank  stock,  and  take  sum  interest  in  the  principle. 


A  NEW  TOOL. 
"  Rogers  grate  western  hoss  rake." 

John  Rogers  revolving,  expanding,  uncerimonius,  self- 
adjusting,  self-contrakting,  self-sharpening,  self-greasing, 
and  self-righteous  Hoss  Rake,  iz  now,  and  forever,  offered 
tew  a  generous  publik.  Theze  rakes  are  az  eazy  tew 
keep  in  repair  az  a  hitching  post,  and  will  rake  up  a 
paper  ov  pins,  sowed  broad  kast,  in  a  ten  aker  lot  ov 
wheat  stubble.  Theze  rakes  kan  be  used  in  the  winter 
for  a  hen  roost,  or  be  sawed  up  into  stove  wood  for  the 
kitchen  fire.  No  farmer,  ov  good  moral  karakter,  should 
be  without  this  rake,  not  even  if  he  haz  to  steal  one. 


31  Days. 


JULY. 


1870. 


>   T3 
K 

£  a 


K»w«f  wa«  / — let  hornets  be,  and  dont  go  nigh 

The  pizen  snail:  tew  mutch. 
For  during  the  month  ov  Julii, 

They  aint  helthy  tew  the  tutch. 


Prognostix. 


DOUGH  NUTS. 


'3 
14 
IS 
16 

»7 

18 

19 


M 


\V 


23 
24 

25 
26 

27 

28 
29 
3° 


M 


W 


5  ©  Mad  dogs 

seen  1$  muzzle 
yure9  fl  * 
2^~  children  © 

B  look  out 
for  a  hotness  a  If 

m,  owe  no  9 
man  ^  keep  cooler 

hail  storm  D  hail 
HI,  9  stones S!^ 
weigh  sevral  &&~ 

tons£  Othat 
izall  ^  **»* 

that  fell  «  /^ 
K  hot  iz  more  rth 
hot  8  ©  (5   saw 

9  horses  begin  i 
tew  pantoi^ 

•  wet  shower  & 
1TR«or'JU!§ 
IT  warm  fttt 

2S  H  a  penny 
saved  iz  <f  fi 
ill  worth  If  two  8 

lost  £?  5  pray 
for  ice  tT],  ^ 

J  ©  flys  lively 
•  now  harvest 

rye  for  8  © 
whiskee  O  If 


I  hav  alwus  notised  one  thing, 
when  a  man  gits  in  a  tite  spot,  he 
dont  never  call  on  hiz  friend  the 
Devil  tew  help  him  out 


The  man  who  haz  just  found 
out  that  he  kant  afford  tew  burn 
green  wood,  haz  taken  hiz  fust 
lesson  in  econemy. 


I  think  now  if  I  had  all  the 
money  that  iz  due  me  i  would 
invest  it  in  a  saw  mill, — and  let 
her  rip. 


A  good  wife  iz  a  sweet  smile 
from  heaven. 


A  big  noze  iz  sed  to  be  a  sighn 
ov  genius, — if  a  mans  genius  lays 
in  hiz  noze,  i  should  say  the  sighn 
waz  a  good  one. 


AUGUST  MONOGRAPH. 

This  month,  for  sum  reazon,  haz  got  a  hot  way  ov 
doing  things.  Awl  natur  unties  her  corsets  and  loafs  bi 
the  side  ov  brooks,  with  stockingless  feet,  tew  ketch  the 
cool  words  ov  singing  waters,  and  watch  the  bubles  ov 
sweet,  that  rize  on  the  noze  ov  the  green  frog,  az  they 
set  down  on  themselfs,  on  the  moss  upholstered  stones. 

Butter  spreads  itself  freely  during  this  month.  Snakes 
slip  eazy,  and  Cupid  crawls  behind  the  shadder  ov  a 
dicing  roze,  and  shutes  hiz  gun  at  the  galls,  and  boys. 


THINGS  WORTH  KNOWING. 

Tew  milk  a  kicking  cow,  stand  oph  about   10   foot, 
and  holler  "  So  I  darn  you." 


Tew  make  light  bread,  do  az  the  bakers  do, — call  9 
ounces  a  pound. 


Tew  make  oxtale  soup,  bile  an  ox  in  a  pot,  and  let 
the  caudel  continuation  hang  over  the  edge  ov  the  pot 
and  drip. 


Tew  git  at  the  solid  kontents  ov  yure  wife's  tongue,  be 
vcrry  sweet  with  the  new  skool  mom  in  yure  distrikt. 


Tew  break  a  mule — commence  at  his  head. 


31  Days. 


AUGUST. 


O1 


Now  chop  doun  oats. 
And  fiew  doun  tarlty, 
Kiae  ivith  the  run, 
And  go  tew  bed  arly. 


1870. 
f 


3     _ 

3   R" 


ill  0 

Prognostix. 

.S'T'OT  ENDS. 

I 

M 

S  Expekt  pack  e» 

2 

T 

pedlers  g§  dry 

A  lie  iz  like   a  kat,  it   never 

3 

W 

and  hot  *»*  ice 

cums  tew  yu  in  a  straight  line. 

4 

T 

?iz  trumps  \ 

S 

F 

great  drouth  {J£» 

0 

6 

S 

auctioneers  ¥  TIB 

7 
8 

9 

G 
M 
T 

$  dry  9 
S3  up©Don' 
Quixot  fights© 

The  longest  lived  thing  i  kno 
ov,  iz  a  nikname. 

10 

W 

a  wind  mill®^ 

1  1 

T 

'342  ~  gits 

0  

12 

F 

whipped  the  i 

13 
14 

IS 

S 
G 
M 

£5  fust  round 
5^1  honesty  $ 
iz  the  best  9 

Most  men  go  through  life  az 
rivers  go  tew  the  sea,  bi  following 
the  lay  ov  the  ground. 

16 

T 

policy  6  better 

17 

W 

S  than  a  life  i 

18 

T 

ginsurance 

19 
20 

21 

2  2 

F 

S 
G 

M 

policy  §§  uncommon 
&  hot  T$  rag  dolls 
perspire  freely  Tru 

If  I  had  a  mule  who  wouldn't 
neither   kick,  nor  bite,  i  should 
watch   him    dredful   cluss    till  i 

*3 

T 

W 

r<z/'«  a«V/5  thunder** 
©  ^a/  increases 

found  out  whare  hiz  malice  did 
lie. 

24 

fbthermometort  bile 

25 

T 

aver  ®  Adam 

0  

20 

* 

9  waz  the        \\\ 

27 
28 
29 

3° 

S 
G 

M 
T 
W 

fust  man  i 
f  <*>/,«•  $  T?  that 
•  •kissed  a 
woman  **} 

The  devil  iz  a  mean  kuss,  he 
never  keeps  hiz   own  promises, 
but  alwus  makes  us  keep  ours. 

SEPTEMBER  MONOGRAPH. 

September  iz  named  after  "Septus"  which  thrashed 
out  into  Amerikan,  means  seven.  I  wouldn't  take  500 
dollars  for  the  latin  i  know,  and  i  don't  kno  mutch 
nuther.  Sept.  iz  a  lakadaisikal  month,  mello  az  the 
dekayed  side  of  a  punkin,  and  as  sensitive  az  a  boarding 
school  miss,  during  her  fust  quarter  in  french.  Natur 
makes  her  will  this  month — hogs  root  violently — birds 
hold  convenshuns,  and  adjourn  down  south — tree  toads 
boost  each  other  up  trees  and  warble  sum  anthems — 
katydids  chew  musick  and  spit  it  out  freely,  and  bull 
frogs  post  their  books. 


MORE  ADVICE  TEW  YOUNG  SPORTSMEN. 

In  shooting  at  a  deer  that  looks  like  a  calf,  always  aim 
so  az  tew  miss  it  if  it  iz  a  calf,  and  to  hit  it  if  it  iz  a 
deer. 


In  fishing  for  krabs,  use  yure  fingers  for  bait,  yu  kan 
feel  them  when  they  fust  bite. 


Dont  fire  at  a  bumble  bee  on  the  wing,  not  till  he 
settles,  then  take  good  aim,  and  knok  him  endways. 


In  bobbing  for  Eels,  use  a  raw  potato,  yu  may  not 
bag  much  Eels,  but  yu  kan  bag  a  bob,  that  yu  kan  hand 
down  tew  yure  ancestors  untarnished. 


30  Days. 


SEPTEMBER. 


1870. 


This  month  pull  Jlax, 
And  teeth  that  ake. 

Lay  in  bits  wax, 
And  emptir.s  hake. 


i    S- 

il 


Prognostix. 


OLD  CffEEZE. 


14 

15 

16 

'7 
18 


M 


\V 


M 


\V 


23 
24 
25 

26 

27 
28 

29 
3° 


W 


Liinpsey  weather  f 
i  moon  in  perigree 
ffl  =  Jim  Crow 
born  1836  X  now 

ip  (D  dry  apples 
for  sass  Q  rain 
threatnitigsfomowy 

tight?  fifall 
bonnets  appear  V 

yH  &  they'are 
ravishing  JJltl], 

coolv^li  to  a  20 
dollar  bill® 

8  now  fish  for  Q 
crabs  JJl  rain  drizzle 
$  crabs  bite  with 
their  km  smoky 

weather  e&  S  and 
hang  on  like  K 
a  poor  relashun  V 
use  cod  rh 

liver  oil  fi 
more  wet  a  for 
greasing  waggons  ^ 
grate  snake — -~~ 

seen  at  *  * 
Nuport  1820  A  i2 
miles  long  4  Venus 
*an  evening  star  * 


Medicine  haz  cost  the  world 
more  than  bread  haz,  and  haz 
killed  more  than  it  haz  cured 


Marriage  tew  a  coquette  iz 
often,  "letters  ov  marque  and 
reprisal." 


It  iz  very  diffikult  for  a  poor 
man  tew  be  superior  tew  hiz  for 
tune,  and  more  diftikult  for  a  rich 
one. 


Hunting  after  health,  iz  like 
hunting  after  fleas,  the  more  yu 
hunt,  the  morejlees  you  will  find. 


The  devil  iz  sed  tew  be  the 
"father  ov  lies,"  if  this  iz  so,  he 
haz  got  a  numerous  family,  and 
sum  very  promising  children 
amungst  them. 


OCTOBER  MONOGRAPH. 

October  iz  one  ov  the  fall  months,  Adam  iz  sed  tew 
hav  fell  this  month,  but  sich  assershuns  are  like  standing 
oph  a  half  a  mile,  in  a  cloudy  day,  and  guessing  at  the 
number  ov  fleas  on  a  dorg,  more  sincere,  than  sartain. 
The  strongest  attrakshun  for  me,  in  this  month,  iz  her 
natral  cider ;  the  man  who  don't  admire  good  natral 
cider,  must  be  a  condem  phool. 

Prepare  for  a  hard  winter  during  this  month,  bi  repent 
ing  ov  yure  sins,  and  gitting  up  a  good  big  wood  pile. 


PECK'S  CHURJT,  AXD  BRISTOWS  SOWING 
MASHEEN. 

Theze  churns  are  the  pride  ov  invenshun,  the  genius 
ov  improvement,  a  viktory  over  time,  and  a  conquest  ov 
labor.  They  will  fetch  butter  from  cream  in  2  seckonds, 
from  milk  in  2  minnitts,  and  from  water,  inside  ov  a  very 
short  time.  Better  be  without  a  spellin  book,  or  even  a 
pack  of  kards,  in  a  growing  family,  than  not  tew  hav  one 
ov  Peck's  Churns.  Peck  iz  a  philanthropist,  every  house 
wife  in  the  world,  should  put  on  a  clean  white  apron, 
hold  up  both  hands  on  high,  and  shout,  Bully ! !  oh  ! 
Bully !  for  Peck. 


Buy  Bristow's  double-thread,  cross-stitch,  rivet-seam, 
dovetail-hemmer,  lighting-movement,  krank-moshun  sow 
ing  masheen.  Theze  masheens  took  all  the  premiums  at 
the  late  lamented  Paris  imposishun,  and  one  ov  them, 
which  waz  sent  tew  a  farmer  in  Tiogy  county  last  fall,  on 
trial,  sowed  up  the  whole  family  in  a  hard  not,  in  less 
than  three  days,  besides  sowing  fourteen  acres  of  winter 
rye. 


31  Days. 


OCTOBER. 


1870. 


2 


The  yello  torn  nmu  scents  the  gale, 
A  nil  harvest  hoys  the  milk  maids  wake. 

With  matin  songs,  in  praizes  of, 
Hasty  pnddin,  and  Johnny  kake. 


s s 

g.  S 
sr  " 

JT? 


s 

t 

Prognostix. 

BIRDS  TRACKS. 

I 

S 

Ojack  Frost  O 

2 

G 

born  T  of 

How  menny  people    thare    iz 

7 

AT 

poor  but  honest 

whoze  souls  hang  in   them,  like 

V 

4 

T 

£3  Q  parents  5  now 

the  pith  in  a  gooze  quill. 

S 

W 

hunt  for  cider  © 

6 

T 

t  moon  in  £? 

0 

7 

F 

apogee  TIE  if 

8 

S 

•  air  brittle  8 

Opinyuns  are  like  other  kind.s 

9 

10 

G 

M 

snakes  hang\3 
TiJ,  up  their  sled 

ov   vegetables,    worth    jist  what 
they  will  fetch. 

ii 

T 

sighns      a  koldjS  A 

12 

W 

snap  6  (5  let  her 

0  

13 
IS 

16 

18 

T 
F 
S 
G 
M 
T 

snap  <5  t  begin 
yure  promiskuss 
sparking  J  0  S 
flfK  knowledge  iz 
power  fi  pumpkin 
pies  begin^T 

When  a  man  gits  so  reduced 
that  he  kant  help  ennyboddy  else, 
we  then  vote  him  a  penshun  for 
the  rest  ov  hiz  life,  by  calling  him 
a  poor  devil. 

!9 

W 

tew  loaf  ft  8 

20 

T 

around*  ^ 

0 

21 
22 

F 

S 

/a  Bonaparte 
crosses  the 

A  lie  repented  ov  bekums  the 

23 

G 

rineX  fkeen 

truth. 

24 

M 

tut  cold  ^inow 

25 

T 

butcher  hens 

—  —  «  

26 
27 
28 
29 

W 
T 

F 

S 

Tq,  ©  t  for 
thanksgiving  vjfa 
O  4»  frosty  A  lay 

I  had  rather  be  married  tew  an 
unabridged  Webster's  diktionary, 
than  tew  an  unabridged  literary 

3° 
3* 

G 
M 

in  yure 
£  winter  clams  & 

woman. 

NOVEMBER  MONOGRAPH:. 

Everyboddy  wants  tow  "be  sassy  at  November — to  turn 
her  the  cold  shoulder — tew  nuss  all  their  old  akes  anew — 
tew  look  az  sour  az  a  pot-bellyed  pickle — tew  hunt  for  a 
kafs  tale  tew  step  at, — but.iaint!  November  iz  when 
i  harvest  mi  happiness,  when  i  gather  into  mi  pious  korn 
krip,  the  moral  sowing  ov  the  whole  year.  I  am  only 
sorry  for  one  thing  during  the  month  ov  November,  and 
that  iz,  that  i  am  sich  a  poor,  weak,  unsartin,  sinnerly 
cuss,  and  that  mi  nabers  aint  much  better  than  i  am. 


SUM  MORE  HINTS  TE  W  BOARDIJf -HOUSE 
KEEPERS. 

ist  If  your  boarders  take  sugar,  and  milk,  in  their 
kaughphy,  dont  put  in  mutch  sugar,  bekauze  yu  kno  they 
hav  milk,  and  dont  put  in  but  little  milk,  bekauze  they 
h  a  v  sugar. 


ad.  Bukwheat  kakes  made  out  ov  wheat  bran  kost  less, 
and  soak  up  molasses  more  carefully. 


3d.  In  negotiating  for  sassige,  do  yure  bizzness  with 
the  bolony  men,  then  you  kno  what  yu  are  gitting  )"u 
kant  alwus  tell  what  country  sassige  kontains. 


4th.  Be  kind  tew  cockroaches,  for  they  often  make  a 
plate  of  butter  last  a  whole  week,  and  when  you  pray, 
alwus  pray  for  the  light  eaters. 


30  Days. 


NOVEMBER. 


1870. 


Pick  apples  now,  and  cider  make, 
And  in  a  barrel  juice  it, 

Then  git  a  straw,  without  a  flaw, 
And  through  the  straw  seduce  it. 


Prognostix. 


SHOE  PEGS. 


ii 

12 

»3 
14 
*5 
16 

i? 
18 

19 


23 

24 

25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
30 


Sour  cold  y^  a 

ffi  SI  stampede  in 
Brigham  (t) 

Youngs  family* 
o  mart  cold  J$  he 
suddenly  bekumsm, 
unwedded  n  more 
[}t]  sour&for  a 

large  ()  amount 
rain  ;V,  and  i/. 

Vleft  a  75  hoss 
power  widdower  8- 

&cla»iiny  and  raw 
Brigham  burys  0 

himself  in  j£t 
weeds  il  blustering 
•  at  the  bottom  ov§ 
his  garden  patch  Jjt 
0  c  old  with  sourness 
Brother  Brigham 


snow  So  he  iz  sealed 
seven  times  in  one 
dayffl  $  sour 
with  wetness  i  S 

^  sealing  wax 
advances  10   <J  ft 
[*]  cents  on  a  stick 
now  chop  wood    Q 


A  debt  iz  alwus  a  growing,  if 
it  dont  gro  in  size,  it  grows  in 
heft. 


There  iz  lots  ov  folks  in  the 
world,  who  covet  misfortins  jist 
for  the  luxury  ov  grunting. 


Hope  iz  a  draft  on  fewturity, 
sumtimes  honored,  but  generally 
extended. 


Prosperity  makes  phools,  and 
adversity  cures  them. 


A  dandy  iz  one  ov  Fashion's 

Eunuchs. 


If  yu  want  a  true  friend,  hire 
him  bi  the  month,  and  pay  him 
fair  wages. 


DECEMBER  MONOGRAPH. 

This  iz  the  last  month  in  the  Josh  Billings  Farmers 
Alminax.  Other  dutys,  ov  a  maskuline  natur  hav  forced 
us  tew  haul  in  our  gang  plank.  We  would  like  tew  hav 
hung  on  a  month,  or  two  longer,  and  made  a  big  thing  ov 
it  Dear  Reader  we  must  part,  and  it  iz  like  pulling 
angleworms  out  ov  their  holes,  almost  sure  tew  part  the 
angleworms.  I  shall  think  ov  yu  az  long  az  i  liv,  please 
tew  resiprokate,  when  yu  remember  me,  by  uttering  a 
tear.  I  hav  taken  a  kontrakt  tew  remove  the  muskeeters 
from  the  State  ov  Nu  Jersee,  west  of  the  Rocky  Moun 
tains,  tew  their  new  reservashun,  and  i  am  anxious  tew  git 
the  bulk  ov  them  started  before  they  thaw  out.  I  may 
lose  mi  life  in  the  undertakin,  but  i  have  bin  told  by 
good  judges,  that  it  is  sweet  tew  die  for  ones  country.  I 
kant  tell  whether  this  iz  so  or  not,  i  never  tried  it.  Good 
bye,  this  kussid  muskeeter  kontrakt  iz  wearing  on  me. 


FAMILY  MEDICINE. 
Joel  Biggs'  Sticking  Salve. 

A  thing  well  stuck,  iz  stuck  forever. 

This  salve  will  stick  enny  man. 

It  will  undoubtedly  stick  the  "  coming  man." 

It  haz  stuck  every  man  that  haz  cum  yet. 

No  family  should  be  without  this  matchless  sticker. 

(Unless  they  are  too  much  stuck  up  allreddy.) 

It  iz  put  up  in  sticks  twenty  feet  long, 

To  stick  a  man  at  a  distance. 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


1870. 


Pile  hi  the  fiartfi,  with  beec/ien  wood,' 
Load  down  the  kitchen  table. 

Fill  tip  the  old  May  pipe, 
And  go  it  -while  yure  able. 


Z   5' 
& 


». 

Q 

Prognostix. 

COOZ?  ,9K£5. 

I 

T 

$  £  Col  den  Si 

2 

F 

snow  now  X  T 

I  thank  God  most  fervently  for 

3 

S 

inflate  sassigel£ 

one    thing,    and    that    iz,    when 

4 

G 

"  Necessity  iz  the 

everyboddy  else  iz  happy,  i  am 

5 

M 

8-  {)  mother  ov 

sure  to  be. 

6 

T 

invenshun  "  9  © 

7 

W 

tTJJ  wor^  snow^  fi 

0  

8 

T 

invenshun  waz  born 

9 

F 

in  Nu  England  *$ 

Love  iz  sed  tew  be  blind,  but  i 

10 

S 

>jv0/<^Plymouth 

kno  lots  ov  phellows  in  love,  who 

1  1 

c 

rock  discovered  V 

kan  see  twice  az  mutch  in  their 

12 

M 

1620  3$  punch  fires 

sweethearts  as  i  kan. 

"3 

T 

9  fi  Old  Zip 

14 

W 

Coon  died 

15 

T 

1840  $1  snow  ©  too 

0 

16 

F 

much  hard  tr 

18 

S 
G 

ader  floored  him  S 
til  ^bitter  cold  Q 

If  yu  want  tew  git  a  sure  krop, 
and  a  big  yield,  sow  wild  oats. 

19 

M 

JJ^^Santy  Claws 

20 

T 

created  A  year 

0 

21 

W 

disputed  <5  thare 

22 

23 
24 
25 

T 
F 
S 
G 

iz  menny  a  zs  HE 
•  rose  born  tew  S 
blush  unseen  V3  T 
T  espeshilly  negroes 

The  chains  ov  slavery  are  none 
the  lighter  for  being  made   ov 
gold. 

[•*—  ]  »»or#  colder  [  — 

o 

27 

W 

1870  dies  = 

*9 

30 
31 

T 
F 

S 

pile  on  the  (%* 
SBObedclothesTf 
good  night  t  !  t  !  <5 

In  youth  we  run  into  difikultys, 
in  old  age,  difikultys  run  into  us. 

EXTRA  EKLIPSES  FOR  THE  YEAR  1870. 


There  will  be  eklipses  this  year  which  have  been  over, 
looked  by  other  Allminax  makers. 

First. — Thare  will  be  semiockasional  eklipses  ov  the 
moon,  kauzed  bi  brandy  smashes  gitting  between  that 
virtewous  and  pale  old  woman,  and  the  eyes  ov  sum  ov 
our  most  promising  young  men. 

Second. — There  will  be  a  few  eklipses  ov  the  Son, 
kauzed  bi  the  old  gentleman  cutting  oph  the  supplys  ov 
Charles  Fitz  Henry  Augustus.  (Bully  for  the  old  gentle 
man.  ) 

Third. — Thare  will  be  domestik  eklipses  (visibel  only 
tew  the  naked  eye)  kauzed  bi  the  new  Comet  Sorosis 
jumping  out  ov  her  pasture,  and  cantering  around  pro- 
miskuss. 

Fourth. — Thare  will  be  teetotal  eklipse  during  the 
whole  of  the  Year  1870,  ov  all  other  Allminax,  through 
out  the  earth,  upper  and  lower  kanada,  and  sum  parts  ov 
Nu  Jersee,  kauzed  bi  the  immense  circulashun  ov  the 
JOSH  BILLINGS'  FARMERS'  ALLMINAX. 


Inrtmnh 


RULES,  BY-LAWS,  AND  REGULASHUNS. 


Conduktors  are  positively  forbid  tricing  tew  pass 
each  other  on  a  single  track. 

2.  Passengers  are  warned  ov  the  great  danger  ov 
standing  on  the  platforms,  —  menny  a  promising  man 
haz  lost  hiz  life  by  having  a  platform  drop  from  under 
him. 

3.  Positively  no  droves  ov  cattle  or  swine  allowed  on 
this  road  unless  they  are  travelling  the  same  direckshun 
the  trains  are. 

4.  Engineers  are  earnestly  requested  tew  keep  their 
cow  ketchers  well  greased,  and  will  bear  in  mind  that 
when  a  cow  iz  ketched  the  hide  belongs  tew  them ;  but 
the  beef  and  tallo  iz  tew  be  sent  immejiately  tew  the 
president  of  the  road. 

5.  Enny  switchman  running  a  train  oph  from  the  trak 
will  be  find  10  dollars,  and  interest  on  the  fine  at  the 
rate  of  4  per  cent  per  annum  untill  the  fine  iz  paid. 

6.  No  konduktor  iz  invited  tew  remain  on  this  road 
10  minnits  who  hasn't  heard  ov  the  10  commandments, 
espeshily  the  one  which  sez  "thou  shalt  not  spondulick 
thyself  with  the  dimes  ov  another." 

7.  No  charges  made  on  this  road  for  coroners'  in 
quests. 


HOW  THEY  DO  TALK 

ABOUT 

(•  f  f  f 

lash  lillmjis'  farmer's  Mmmax 
<$    l  >D     *    <w          <4v 

W  9  •*  • 


FOR  THE   YEAR  1870. 


"  Giv  me  liberty,  or  giv  me  deth,  but  if  i  kant  hav  either,  giv  me 
Josh  Billings'  tdlminax  for  1870." 


1  It  kured  mi  wife  or  wanting  to  die." 


"  It  iz  like  peper  sass  in  a  hot  day." 


"  The  Billings  Allminax  will  go  father  in  a  family  than  12  dozen 
ov  ginger  popp." 


"  When  i  am  sad  and  lonely,  i  fli  tew  its  pages,  like  a  bumblebee 
tew  a  full  blown  dandylion." 


1  It  gave  me  grate  presence  ov  mind." 


"My  wife  brings  up  her  ophspring,  and  duz  all  her  plain  sowing 
bi  yure  allminaxes." 


"  How  cooling,  and  perforating  it  iz." 


TEE  NATRAL  HORNET 

The  hornet  iz  a  red  hot  child  ov  natur,  ov  sudden  im- 
preshuns,  and  a  sharp  konklusion.  The  hornets  alwus 
fites  at  short  range,  and  never  argy  a  case,  they  settle  all 
ov  their  disputes  bi  letting  their  javelin  fly,  and  are  az 
certain,  and  az  anxious  tew  hit,  az  a  mule  iz.  Hornets 
bild  their  nest  whereever  they  take  a  noshun  to,  and  sel- 
dura  are  asked  to  move,  for  what  would  it  profit  a  man 
tew  murder  99  hornets,  and  have  the  one  hundred  one 
hit  him  with  hiz  javelin.  I  kan't  tell  you  jist  tew  a  day 
how  long  a  hornet  kan  live,  but  I  kno  from  experience, 
that  every  bug,  be  he  hornet  or  sumboddy  else,  who  iz 
mad  all  the  time,  and  stings  every  good  chance  he  kan 
git,  generally  outlives  all  ov  his  nabors. 


DOMESTIK  RECEIPTS. 

To  make  good  ginger-snaps,  take  one  pound  of  ginger, 
stir  in  a  half  dozen  ov  lively  snaps,  do  them  to  a  brown, 
and  then  lock  them  up,  or  the  yung  ones  will  hook  them. 


To  leam  a  dog  tew  follow  well,  tie  him  tew  the  hind 
end  ov  an  express  train. 


To  find  out  whether  a  man  has  got  a  good  moral  kai  • 
akter  or  not,  ask  him  pleasantly. 


To  cure  herring,  —  use  Godfreys  Kordial. 


THE  PROMISCUSS  COCKROACH. 

The  Cockroach  iz  a  bug  at  large.  He  iz  one  ov  the 
luxurys  ov  civilizashun.  The  Cockroach  iz  born  on  the 
fust  ov  May,  and  the  fust  ov  November  semi-annually, 
and  iz  reddy  for  use  in  fifteen  days  from  date.  They  are 
born  four  from  each  egg,  and  consequently  they  are  all 
twins  ;  thare  iz  no  sich  thing  in  the  annals  ov  natur,  az  a 
single  cockroach.  Their  food  seems  to  consist,  not  so 
mutch  ov  what  they  eat,  az  what  they  kan  git  into,  and 
often  finding  them  ded,  in  the  soup,  at  mi  boarding  house, 
I  have  cum  tew  the  painful  conclushun,  that  the  cock 
roach  kan't  swim,  but  that  he  kan  float  for  a  long  time. 


HINTS  TEW  YUNG  WIPES. 

i.  Don't  undertake  tew  liv  with  yure  mother-in-law, 
but  if  wiiss  cums  tew  a  wussness,  let  yure  mother-in-law 
liv  with  yu. 


2.  Never  let  yure  husband  kno  more  than  one  haff  the 
affeckshun  yu  hav  for  him. 


3.  Don't  name  a  yung  one  after  a  bachelor  brother,  nor 
a  bachelor  sister. 


4.  Observe  theze  rules  fondly,  keep  yure  feet  dri,  and 
yure  hair  slick,  and  yu  will  prove  a  model  wife,  (and 
after  that),  an  acceptable  widder. 


UASIA.  f 


31  Days. 


JANUARY. 


1871. 


He  who  by  the  plough  would  thrive. 

Must  no  2- forty  kattle  drive, 

But  worry  the  ground  to  and  fro, 

With  horned  kritters  who  skasely  seem  to  go. 


5-  P 

s  s- 


M 


W 


18 


23 
24 

25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3° 


W 


M 


W 


History. 


0  Grate  cold  ^  If 

Adam  born  rf  cj 
c old  grows  © 

^  Adam  bad  no 
mother  [©]  gs 
~  titnptoms  ov  a 
thawness  s  bi 

industry  we  thrive 
it  looks  like  snow 
Eve  born  ]fl  8 

1  shouldn't  wonder 

if  it  did  snow 
Eve  wax  a 


grate  sassige  riot 

in  1612©  ft 
now  haul  ice  t  W 
30,000  sassige 
destroyed  j^  a  thaw 
threatens  TI],  Adam 
waz  a  confiding  man 
thaw  more  threat- 

ensomeohe  took 
the  chances  § 

colder  1?  5  6 
and  got  badly  beat 
D  ZZmercury 

V3  an  inch  Q  Q 
fo/<?  zero  itj,  ® 
S  ®  beware  or  the 


HASH  ON  TOAST. 


All  the  good  injuns  die  young. 


Mankind  love  misterys,  a  hole 
in  the  ground  excites  more  won 
der  than  a  star  up  in  heaven. 


Jist  about  az  cerimonys  creep 
into  one  end  ov  a  church,  piety 
backs  out  at  the  other. 


Blessed  are  they  who  hav  no 
eye  for  a  key  hole. 

Don't  mistake  vivacity  for  wit, 
thare  iz  about  az  mutch  difference 
az  thare  iz  between  lightning  and 
a  lightning  bug. 

A  coquett  in  love  iz  az  tame  az 
a  bottle  ov  ginger  pop  that  haz 
stood  sum  time  with  the  corck 
pulled  out. 


THE  UNIVERSAL  SWINE. 

The  Swine,  (almost  always)  hav  four  legs,  tho  thare  iz 
sum  remarkable  exceptshuns  to  this  rule.  Swine  are 
good  quiet  boarders ;  they  alwus  eat  what  is  sot  before 
them,  and  don't  ask  enny  phoolish  questions.  The 
Swine  kan  be  lamt  a  great  menny  amusing  things,  sich 
az  highsting  the  front  gate  oph  from  the  hinges,  and  rind 
ing  a  hole  in  the  fence  to  git  into  the  cornfield,  but  it  iz 
dredful  hard  work  for  them  tew  find  die  same  hole  tew 
git  out  at,  espeshily  if  yu  are  in  a  hurry  to  hav  them. 
This  haz  never  bin  fully  explained,  but  speaks  vollums 
for. the  swine.  Swine  can  all  root  well,  a  swine  that  kant 
root  well,  iz  a  poor  job. 


HINTS  TEW  YUNG  HUSBANDS. 
Marriage  iz  a  fair  transackshun  on  the  face  of  it. 


2.  Sum  marry  for  buty,  and  never  diskover  their  mis 
take  ;  this  iz  lucky. 


3.  Sum  marry  for  pedigree  and  feel  big  for  six  months, 
and  then  cum  tew  the  conklusion,  that  pedigree  aint  no 
better  than  skim-milk. 


4.  Sum  marry  tew  pleaze  their  relashuns  and  are  sur 
prized  that  their  relashuns  don't  kare  a  cuss  for  them 
afterwards. 


5.  Marry  Yung !  —  thare  iz  but  one  good  excuse  for  a 
marriage  late  in  life,  and  that  iz, —  a  seckond  marriage. 


28  Days. 


FEBRUARY. 


1871. 


, 

O1 


Now  gather  round  the  kitchen  fire. 
And  pile  the  chunk:  on  hier  and  hier, 
Git  out  the  old  fiddle  and  partners  choose, 
And  shake  her  down  in  your  cowhide  shoes. 


W 


W 


13 

14 
IS 
16 

i/ 
18 

'9 


\V 


\v 


23 
24 

25 

26 
27 
28 


M 


History. 


SI  SI  How  doth  the 
little  bizzy  bee  a 

it  snmvs&aiS 

sting  evry  good 
chance  he  lean  git 

now  slaughter  wood 


Jo  Smith  created 

siSiSe 

sum  snow  at  Mont 

real  Q  If 
Jo  Smith  manufak- 

terd  mormons  n 
squally  9   0  out  of 

phools  (5  S 
Ifvirtew  iz  her  own 

paymaster  2( 
titter  cold's,  n 
Jo  waz  not  a  polly 

gamist  ^  ^ 
%  A  JWOT  m<7rf 

coldness  ©  A 

bully  for  Jo  S3  ITU 
grind  stuns  fust 

diskovered  1500^ 
raw  but  cold  9  f 
$  whooping  cough 

iz  ketching  i  ffi 


CHICKEN  SALLAD. 


Thare  iz  one  kritter  in  this 
world  whoze  troubles  yu  leant  con 
sole,  and  that  is  a  setting  hen. 

Thare  iz  nothing  like  a  sick 
bed  for  repentance,  a  man  bekums 
so  virtewous  he  will  often  repent 
ov  sins  that  he  never  committed. 

One  ov  the  hardest  things,  for 
enny  man  to  do,  iz  tew  fall  down 
on  the  ice  when  it  iz  wet,  and 
then  git  up,  and  praze  the  Lord. 

Gravity  iz  no  more  posatiff  evi 
dence  ov  wisdum,  than  a  paper 
collar  iz  ov  a  shirt 


Curiosity  often  gets  a  mouse 
into  a  trap,  — jist  so  it  duz  other 
folks. 


THE  GRITTY  ANGLEWORM. 

Angleworms  are  ov  earth,  earthy,  and  crawl  for  a  liv 
ing.  The  angleworm,  tho  full  of  grit,  iz  not  quarrelsome. 
It  is  sed  (by  naturalists)  that  angleworm  ile,  rubbed  on 
the  back  ov  the  neck  will  cure  a  man  ov  lieing.  I  don't 
beleave  this,  unless  it  kills  the  man.  Death  is  the  only 
safe  cure  (that  haz  bin  diskovered  yet)  for  the  falssehood 
disseaze.  Angleworms  are  used  by  sum  people  az  an 
artikle  ov  diet  —  (to  ketch  fish  with).  They  are  handy 
tew  put  onto  a  hook,  and  are  dredful  handy  tew  take  oph 
agin,  az  every  wicked  person  knows  who  haz  fished  all 
day  Sunday  for  daice  in  a  mill-pond. 


HOUSEKEEPERS  GUIDE. 

To  make  boarding-house  hash,  take  a  little  ov  every 
thing,  a  good  deal  ov  nothing,  and  throw  in  a  chunk  ov 
sumthing  ;  jam  to  a  mux,  cook  over  a  kold  fire,  season 
with  hair  pins,  and  sarve  it  up  on  the  jump. 


To  bring  up  a  child  in  the  way  he  should  go,  travel 
that  way  yourself  once  in  a  while. 


To  find  the  solid  contents  ov  a  mule's  hind  legg,  feel  ov 
it  clussly. 


31  Days. 


MARCH, 


1871. 


Dear  girls  and  boys,  take  mi  advice, 
And  don't  go  on  the  rotten  ice  ; 
For  many  a  gal  liat  fell  chuck  in, 
And  thus  has  ketched  her  final  ducking. 


13 
14 
15 
i6 

i? 
18 

»9 


M 


W 


M 


W 


23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3° 
31 


W 


History. 


Streaks  ov  wind 
nihaul  in  yure 

close  line  5  • 
fowindy  $  n 

de  gustibus  non 
et  cetera  <J  } 

Tfskey  ovcrkastf 
ignorance  iz  bliss  $ 

i  bring  out  yure 
geese i  $  s 

t\cold  wind* 
and  let  them  March 
windy  windness 
§  use  Higinbottoms 
pills-yarn, 
9  wet  rain  K 
they  are  az  mild 

az  a  juice  harp® 
John  Rogers  died 

1683  £&> 
sum  more  wind 9 
he  fell  in  the 

fire  n  J  K 
ft  8  now  tap  for 

maple  sugar  O 
JJ(  hi  winds  ©  n 
§  life  iz  uncertainly 


CAPER  SAUCE. 


Natur  never  makes  tinny  blun 
ders;  when  she  makes  a  phool, 
she  means  it. 


Thare  iz  sum  pholks  in  this 
world  who  spend  their  whole  lives 
a  hunting  after  righteousness,  and 
kant  find  eimy  time  tew  praktiss 
it 

Human  happiness  iz  like  the 
Hottentot  language,  enny  boddy 
kan  talk  it  well  enuff,  but  thare 
aint  but  phew  kan  understand  it 

Grate  transgreshufis  seem  tew 
baptize  themselfs,  —  if  the  Devil 
had  only  bin  gilty  ov  pettit  lar 
ceny,  he  never  would  hav  bin 
heard  ov  agin. 

I  dont  kno  ov  enny  thing  more 
remorseless,  on  the  face  ov  the 
earth,  than  7  per  cent  interest. 


THE  BELLY  COSE  GOAT. 

The  Goat  iz  a  coarse  wollen  sheep,  with  a  cracked 
voice  and  a  sanguine  digestion.  They  had  rather  steal  a 
rotten  turnip  out  ov  a  garbage  barrell  than  cum  honestly 
bi  a  peck  ov  oats.  They  strike  from  the  hed  insted  ov 
the  shoulder,  and  are  az  likely  tew  hit  the  mark  az  a 
bumblebee  iz.  They  are  faithfull  kritters  in  the  hour  ov 
adversity,  and  will  stick  tew  a  man  az  long  az  he  lives  in 
a  shanty.  They  kan  klimb  evrything  but  a  greased  pole, 
and  are  alwus  poor  in  the  boddy,  but  phatt  in  the  stum- 
mak.  What  they  eat  seems  tew  all  go  tew  appetight 
A  phatt  Goat  would  be  a  literary  curiosity. 


PREMIUMS. 

Awarded  to  Velosipede  Riders  in  1870. 

To  Abram  Parsons,  a  premium  ov  33$  dollars  for  rid 
ing  a  velosipede  down  the  back  stairs  ov  a  gimnazium, 
and  knocking  out  18  ov  hiz  front  teeth,  and  distorting 
hiz  noze. 


To  Nimrod  Sturgiss,  a  copper  medal  with  9  dollars,  and 
a  nu  pair  ov  dorg  skin  gloves,  for  riding  a  velosipede  into 
a  mill-pond,  and  gitting  drowned. 


To  Marshall  Peaboddy  Smith,  a  puss  ov  2  dollars,  and 
a  life  membership  in  the  mackerel  club,  for  riding  a  vel 
osipede  over  a  nu  milch  cow,  and  splitting  a  telegraph 
pole  from  top  tew  bottom. 


30  Days, 


APRIL. 


1871. 

> 
I 


A 


April  phool  waz  torn  this  month, 
A  simpleton,  but  f lever  ; 

And  tho  4000  years  ov  age, 

He's  just  as  big  a  phool  at  ever. 


J3 


IS 
16 

I? 
18 

19 


23 
*4 

25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3° 


W 


History. 


t  Liquid  rain.  S 
The  violet  iz 
blew*    showery  fi 
hark!  tis  the 

noble  bull 
frog's  voice jjlTH, 
!«*•  ®  jews 

harps  diskovered 
C^~  12962 
now  plant 
gardin  sasstyQ 
Q  Cupid  born  95 
look  out 
for  some 

wetness  &  0 
Cupid  is  a  ly  lie 

CUSSiSi 

set  out  onionsjX 
sumwhat  wetty® 

Snow  hath  the 
winter  of  our  dis- 


showers  VS  finally 
thawed  out^     look 

out  for  rain  8  no 
kards  v\it  dux  rain 

y  Daniel  Lambert 
was  very 

phatt  Si 


SHRIMPS. 


A  man  with  a  very  small  head 
iz  like  a  pin  without  enny,  very 
apt  tew  git  into  things  beyond  hiz 
depth. 

Thare  are  menny  people  in  this 
world  who  are  like  flies,  grate 
bores  without  meaning  it,  or  know 
ing  it,  —  "  shoo  fly." 

Falling  in  luv  iz  like  falling  into 
molassis,  sweet  but  dredful  dobby. 

When  i  see  an  old  man  many  a 
yung  wife,  i  consider  him  starting 
out  on  a  bust,  for  i  am  reminded 
ov  the  parable  about  mixing  nu 
wine  into  old  junk  bottles. 

A  lie  iz  like  nitroglycerine,  the 
best  judges  kant  tell  when  it  iz  a 
going  tew  explode,  and  skatter  a 
muss. 


TEE  MELODIUS  CAT. 

The  cat  hath  been  called  a  domestik  animile  but  i 
never  could  tell  whyfore.  All  thare  iz  domestix  about  a 
cat  iz,  yu  kant  loze  one ;  they  are  as  tuff  to  loze  az  a  bad 
reputashun  iz.  Yu  may  send  one  out  ov  the  state  done 
up  neatly  Ln  a  meal-bag,  and  the  next  morning  yu  will 
find  him  along  side  ov  the  kitchen  stove  reddy  tew  be 
stepped  on.  They  are  az  sollum  az  Mozes,  but  az  phull 
ov  the  devil  as  Judas  Iskariott  Esq.  Thare  iz  only  one 
thing  about  a  cat  that  i  like,  and  that  iz,  they  are  very 
reasonable  ;  a  little  money,  well  put,  will  go  a  grate  way 
in  cats.  Cats  are  very  plenty  in  this  world  just  now  I 
counted  18  from  mi  boarding  house  windo,  one  moon 
lite  nite  last  summer,  and  it  want  the  best  kind  ov  a 
nite  for  cats  neither. 


FAMILY  NOSHUNS. 

To  pick  out  a  tender  goose,  pinch  him,  and  if  he 
squeals,  buy  him. 


To  make  good  sharp  pickles,  whittle  oph  both  ends  ov 
them  tew  a  pint 


To  find  how  fur  a  frog  kan  jump,  set  a  Frenchman  to 
meazureing  hiz  jumps. 


To  git  the  affectashun  out  ov  a  man,  make  him  sea 
sick,  (when  a  man  iz  sea  sick  he  iz  inclined  tew  thro 
up  all  phoolish  things). 


31  Days. 


MAY. 


1871. 


«£ 

-f 


Now  plant  oats  and  garden  toss. 
Yoke  geese,  and  black  snakes  kill; 

Set  hens  ;  set  traps  for  thieving  rats  ; 
Set  what  you  please,  but  don't  set  still. 


M 


W 


15 
i6 


W 


18 


M 


23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3° 


W 


History. 


^  Dandy  lions  in 

market  3  Soft 
and  barmy  '9  who 
will  be  queen  6 

©  oof  MayQ 
mildly;  it  is  hard 

to  tell  [?]  S 
lit  t  Job  waz  a 

pashunt  man 
refreshing  wet  'n 

A  now  ketch  frogs 
warm  wet  ness  Q 
Job  had  biles  i  mor* 
v>army<&  tax 
collektors 

loafing 

around  •now 

chew  lettuce  O  ^"' 

rainf\ 
e  yner  beans  X 


pole 


ft  Noah  Webster 
waz  a  good  speller 
¥  sudden  rain  J 

ri;»».he  had  bet 
ter  spells  than 
Billings  <f  &r/^/ 

ra»»  sprinkles 
go  in  when  it 

rainsn 


PICKLED   TONGUE. 


The  man  who  kant  find  enny 
thing  to  do  in  this  world,  iz  az  bad 
oph  az  a  yerling  heifer. 


I  luv  tew  see  an  old  person  joy- 
full  but  not  kickuptheheelsfulL 


Don't  lay  enny  certain  plans 
for  the  fewter,  it  iz  like  planting 
tuds  and  expekting  tew  raize  tud- 
stools. 


Thare  iz  no  pashun  ov  the 
human  harte,  that  promises  so 
mutch,  and  pays  so  little  az  re 
venge. 


Thoze  persons  who  spend  all 
their  time  watching  their  simp- 
toms,  are  the  kind  who  enjoy  poor 
health. 


THE  BRINY  CODFISH. 


The  codfish  iz  the  fruit  ov  the  oshun,  which  accounts 
for  their  being  so  salt.  They  are  good  eating  for  a  wet 
day ;  they  are  better  than  an  umbreller  to  keep  a  man 
dry.  They  want  a  good  deal  ov  freshning  before  they  are 
eaten,  and  want  freshning  a  good  deal  afterwards. 

If  i  can  have  plenty  ov  codfish  for  breakfast,  i  can  gen 
erally  manage  tew  make  the  other  two  meals  out  of  cold 
water. 


lAJvtrtirtment.] 

MELKISIDEE  BREWSTERS  LIGHTNING  ROD. 

For  drawing  lightning,  theze  rods  hav  grate  strength 
and  endurance. 

They  will  draw  litening  from  the  uttermost  parts  ov  the 
earth,  or  pull  it  in  two. 

Yu  may  bury  one  of  theze  rods  10  foot  under  ground, 
and  litening  will  hunt  till  it  finds  it. 

Yu  mite  az  well  undertake  tew  eskape  natral  deth,  or 
a  constable's  warrent,  az  tew  eskape  litening  with  one  ov 
theze  rods  ov  yure  house. 

Buy  one  ov  Melkisidek's  rods,  and  if  yu  haint  got  enny 
house  tew  put  it  on,  you  kan  set  it  up  at  the  forks  ov  the 
road,  and  steal  all  the  litening  in  the  naberhood. 


30  Days. 

L 

t  9 


JUNE. 


1871. 


In  this  month,  more  than  all  the  rest, 
Things  seem  tew  jump  their  -very  best ; 
Carrots  and  yungones,  purp  and  kitten. 
Like  Joner's  gourd,  are  up,  and gittin. 


12 
13 
M 

IS 

16 

17 
18 


W 


23 
24 
25 
26 

27 
28 
29 
3° 


W 


History. 


w  hunt 
for  rozess 
warm  hotness*C> 
IjJ  the  grasshopper 
iz  a  burden^, 
Qmuggy  wetness 
natur  grows  ?  ^ 


©let  her  grow* 

now  0  ho 
wet  sighns  8 

liov  more  rain 
more  grasshoppers 
orusyt  bet  10 
dollars  it  will 

rain} 

pride  goes  O  before 
afallfl  * 

SSQexyuisite 
rainzy  Jack  and 
Gill  went  up 
the 


J  hotter  a* 
Jack  A  and  Gill 
cum  down 
the  hill  1358® 
Cnow  take  it 

eazyT 


PARSNIP  STEW. 


A  kicking  cow  never  lets  drive 
until  just  as  the  pail  gets  phull, — 
it  iz  jiss  so  with  sum  mens  blun 
ders. 


Whenever  a  minister  haz 
preached  a  sermon  that  pleazes 
the  whole  congregashun,  he  prob 
ably  haz  preached  one  that  the 
Lord  wont  endorse. 


It  aint  mutch  trubble  tew  bear 
the  pain  ov  sumboddy  else's  lame 
back,  but  tew  hav  the  lame  back 
onesself  aint  quite  so  stylish. 


The  man  who  wont  beleave 
enny  thing  he  kant  see,  aint  so 
wize  az  a  mule,  for  they  will  kick 
at  a  thing  in  the  dark. 


TEE  FEEQ UENT  FLY. 

The  fly  iz  not  only  a  domestik  critter,  but  a  friendly 
one.  How  they  git  bom  i  don't  kno,  but  i  hav  thought 
they  didn't  wait  tew  be  born,  but  come  just  az  they  am. 
Menny  ov  them  are  cut  off  in  the  flower  of  their  youth, 
and  usefulness.  Sum  loze  their  lives  by  lighting  too  near 
the  rim  ov  a  toad's  mouth,  and  fall  in  when  the  toad  gaps. 
Thousands  find  a  watery  grave,  bi  gitting  drowned, —  in 
milk-cans.  Flys  morally  considered  are  like  other  hu 
man  beings,  they  wont  light  on  a  good  helthy  spot  in  a 
man,  not  if  they  can  find  a  place  that  iz  a  little  raw.  I 
beleave  they  are  ov  temprate  habits,  and  altho  they  hang 
around  grocerys  a  good  deal,  i  never  see  a  fly  the  wuss 
for  liquor,  but  i  hav  often  seen  liquor,  that  waz  a  good 
deal  the  wuss  for  tiys. 


WANTED. 

Wanted,  several  fust  class  yung  men,  with  mustash,  tew 
hang  around  the  vestibules  ov  the  different  churches  in 
amerika,  and  stare  at  the  females  az  they  pass  out 

Yung  men  who  understand  the  use  ov  tobacco  pre- 
fered. 

No  yung  men  accepted  who  kant  stare  the  brass  but 
tons  oph  from  a  military  coat,  at  twenty  paces. 

This  iz  a  rare  chance  for  yung  men  ov  real  genius. 

Salary  payable  weekly. 

References  exchanged. 


31  Days. 


JULY. 


Hornets  now  are  on  the  wing. 
Red  hot,  and  crazy  for  to  sting : 
Oh,  don't  go  ni  the  tarnal  kritters  t 
For  they  are  sure,  and  pizon  hitters. 


1871. 


o  S- 

"f 

8 


y  I  Q 
S 
G 
M 
T 
W 
T 
F 
S 
G 
M 
T 
W 
T 
F 


*5 

16 


17 


r9 


24 

25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3° 
3i 


History. 


<}  Ice  iz  king 
hot  and  warm  °p 
Sampson  waz  a 
strong  roan  very  hot 
he  could  lift  a 

ton  ft        hotter O 
with  hiz 

little  finger  (I 
f  /ktf  increases'^ 
now  beg  for 

ice  cream 
TQlhunder  shower 
in  the  west  Q 

$  the  goose  iz  not 
a  game  bird  <f 

W  grate 
hotncss®Z!  mad 
dorgs  around  i  3/7?- 
tw^  Atf  £         Noah 

had  three  sons 
thunder  and  yj(  i 


owned  the  ark  Jf 
muck  hot  $  in 

t  Adam's  fall 
5  we  sinned  allf 
Yew  bet,  3  Andy 
Johnson  waz  a 
Taylor®  ^ 


GREEN  GOOSE, 


Every  time  a  man  laffs  he  takes 
a  kink  out  ov  the  chain  ov  life, 
and  thus  lengthens  it 

Three  skore  years  'and  ten  iz 
mans  furlo,  and  it  iz  enofij  —  if  a 
man  kant  suffer  all  the  mizery  he 
wants  in  that  time  he  must  be 
numb. 

A  crowing  hen,  and  a  cackling 
rooster,  are  very  misfortunate 
poultry  in  a  family. 

Man  iz  mi  brother,  and  i  kon- 
sider  that  i  am  nearer  related  tew 
him  through  hiz  vices,  than  i  am 
through  hiz  virtews. 

We  should  not  forgit  one  thing 
—  thare  iz  not  a  sure  thing  on  this 
footstool,  —  even  the  best  tooth 
in  our  head  may  fall  tew  akeing 
before  sunset  and  hav  tew  be 
jerked  out. 


THE  READDY  ROOSTER. 

Roosters  are  the  pugilists  among  birds,  and  having  no 
suitable  shoulder  tew  strike  from,  they  strike  from  the 
heel.  When  a  rooster  gits  whipped  the  hens  all  march 
off  with  the  other  rooster  if  he  aint  haff  so  big,  or  so  han- 
sum.  It  is  pluck  that  wins  a  hen.  Roosters  az  a  class 
wont  do  enny  household  work ;  yu  kant  git  a  rooster  tew 
pay  enny  attenshun  tew  a  yungone.  They  spend  most 
ov  their  time  in  crowing  and  strutting,  and  once  in  a 
while  they  find  a  worm,  which  they  make  a  grate  fuss 
over,  calling  their  wives  up  from  a  distance,  apparently 
tew  treat  them,  but  jist  az  the  hens  git  thare,  this  elegant 
cuss  bends  over,  and  gobbles  up  the  worm. 

Jist  like  a  man  for  all  the  world ! 


HOUSEHOLD  COMFORTS. 

Tew  git  rid  ov  cockroaches,  —  sell  yure  house,  and  lot, 
and  flee  tew  the  mountains. 


Tew  make  a  slapjax  that  will  do  grate  service,  — :  cut  it 
out  ov  buckskin,  and  fri  it  tew  a  koal  black  on  a  grease- 
less  griddle. 

o 

Tew  pick  out  a  good  husband  I  —  shut  up  both  eyes, 
grab  hard,  and  trust  in  the  Lord 


Tew  make  a  kat  mad,  —  trod  on  bet  conrinuashun. 


31  Days. 


AUGUST. 


1871. 


o> 


All  nature  lilctk. 

Roosters  pant  and  so  do  lizzardt ; 
The  mules  upon  the  dusty  road 

Kan't  raise  a  trot,  to  save  their  gizzards. 


W 


M 


W 


II 

12 

14 
15 

i6 


W 


18 


23 
24 
25 
26 

27 
28 

29 
30 

31 


History. 


•warm  with*& 
4  hot  streaks 
Jack 

the  giant  killer  n 
much  hotness± 

8  killed  a  giant 
I25o©/<ro4  out 
for  a  grate  hot  f 

the  giant  waz  25 
foot  square  t  0 
*<?/    $  Ip  ©in 

his  stocking  feet 
coolers^  oh  for 

a  lodge  in 
sum  vast  woods 
thunder  and® 

Qlitfningai. 
on  a  straw  mat 
rass  •  more 

Slhotter  8  now 
dig  for  mint 

juleps  t 
gigantik  rainf£i 

©let  her  drizzle 
very  Aeatypfff. 
meazles  disl  overed 

&i6oo  ©  hot 
snakes  lively© my 
name  iz 

Norval* 


GIBLETS. 


Lazyness  iz  a  good  deal  like 
money,  —  the  more  a  man  haz  ov 
it  the  more  he  seems  tew  want 


It  iz  hard  work  at  fust  sight,  tew 
see  the  wisdom  in  a  rattle  snake 
bite,  but  thare  are  thousand  ov 
folks  who  never  think  ov  their  sins 
until  they  are  bit  bi  a  rattlesnake. 


"  A  poor,  but  dishonest  cuss  ! " 
—  this  iz  about  az  low  down  az 
enny  man  kan  get,  unless  he  drinks 
whiskee. 


Living  on  hope  iz  like  living  on 
wind,  a  good  way  tew  git  phull 
but  a  poor  way  tew  git  phatt. 


It  iz  human  tew  err,  —  but  dev- 
lish  tew  brag  on  it. 


THE  DOOCED  MONKEY. 

The  monkey  iz  only  valuable  tew  look  at,  and  wonder 
what  in  thunder  he  iz  a  going  tew  do  next  He  haz  not 
got  a  Webster  head,  but  hiz  face  iz  a  biled  down  dew 
drop  ov  malishus  cunning.  He  resembles  the  skey  ter 
rier  in  the  bild  ov  hiz  features,  and  skratches  his  head  az 
natral  az  the  school  boy,  —  and  probably  for  similar  rea 
sons.  They  are  sumtimes  kept  az  pets,  but  if  enny  boddy 
should  pet  me  with  a  monkey,  i  should  send  him  right 
back  bi  the  same  person  who  brought  him,  marked  with 
Baldwin  The  Clothiers  trademark,  — C.  O.  D. 


KONNERTIKUT  BLEW  LA  WS. 

i.  No  man  must  chu  enny  tobbacko  on  the  sabbath 
day  unless  he  goes  down  cellar  and  duz  it 


a.  No  yung  woman  haz  a  right  tew  be  had  in  matri 
mony  unless  she  kan  make  a  good  doe  nut  out  ov  rhy 
bran,  and  one  that  will  keep  a  year  in  a  damp  place, 
without  loseing  its  twist 


3.  If  a  man  gits  drunk,  he  must  git  drunk  on  Nu  Eng 
land  nun. 


4.  No  man  shall  be  entitled  tew  work  on  the  road,  or 
set  on  the  jury,  who  aint  handy  with  the  10  command 
ments., 


^: 


30  Days. 


1 
I 

.a  0 

I 


SEPTEMBER. 


1871. 


TTte  carrion  crow  fits  straddle  the  fence, 
Trying  ax  hard  az  he  can  to  weep, 

Az  he  thinks  ov  death  and  its  consequence 
To  spavined  hosses  and  rickety  sheep. 


History. 


XExquisit  and 

soft  wind 
melts  11   angels 
seen  bi 

moonlite 

fragrant  show-  $ 
crsff.  fust  poet 
born  642  2  limpid 
tender  ness  Q 
cam  and  coolll 
stars  twitter  $ 

$  azure  twilight 
•wind  sow  bi  sow 
west  Sl\o\eis 


showers^ 
and  kiss  ft  harvest 
yure  pumpkins  <f 

g&slick  weather 
hark!  from  the 

tombs  a  doleful 
soundO-«>/V  wind 
Tom  Corwin 
waz  a  wagon 

boy© 

tender  winds  fa 
$  on  linden 

when  the 
sun  0  waz  low 


CRANBERRY  SAUS. 


Love  is  like  the  mezules,  we 
kan't  hav  it  bad  but  once,  and  the 
later  in  life  we  hav  it  the  tufler  it 
goes  with  us. 

The  miser  who  heaps  up  gains 
tew  gloat  over,  iz  like  a  hog  in  a 
pen,  fatted  for  a  show. 


Most  every  one  seems  tew  be 
willing  to  be  a  phool  himself,  bu 
he  kant  bear  to  have  enny  boddy 
else  one. 


The  man   who  haint   got    an 
enemy,  iz  really  poor. 


Advise  iz  like  kastor  ile,  eazy 
enuff  to  giv,  but  dredful  uneazy 
tew  take. 


THE  LOAFING  RACCON. 

The  Raccon  iz  a  native  amerikan.  His  family  con 
sists  ov  one  wife,  and  three  children,  who  liv  with  him  on 
the  inside  ov  a  tree.  During  the  winter  he  ties  himself 
up  in  a  hard  knot,  and  lays  down  bi  hiz  fire  side.  When 
spring  opens,  he  opens  too,  and  goes  out  tew  see  how  the 
chickens  hav  wintered.  I  never  knew  a  raccon  tew 
want  enny  thing  long,  that  he  could  steal  quick.  I  hav 
had  tame  coons  bi  the  dozen,  but  i  dont  advise  enny 
boddy  tew  cultivate  coons ;  they  want  as  much  waiting  on 
az  a  blind  mule  on  a  tow  path,  and  thare  aint  enny  more 
real  proffit  in  them,  than  thare  iz  in  a  stock  dividend,  on 
the  Erie  railroad. 


HOME  DOINGS. 

Tew  freshen  a  salt  mackerel,  —  tow  him  one  summer 
behind  a  steam  bote. 


Tew  make  a  man  good  mad,  —  starch  hiz  stockings 
a  leetle  too  stiff. 


Tew  be  one  ov  the  "oldest  inhabitants"  remember 
very  well,  when  yung  Nebudkenezzer  waz  a  babe. 


Tew  be  happy,  —  eat  molasses,  and  swing  on  a  gate. 


31  Days. 


OCTOBER. 


1871. 


o*  •* 


Sweet  cider  now,  and  funkin  pize. 

And  maidens  fair,  and  doughnuts  greasy . 

Who  wouldn't  be  a  farmer's  boy, 
So  phull  ov  phun,  so  free  and  eazy  ? 


O    (TO 


14 
IS 

16 

18 

19 


M 


22 
23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 

3° 
31 


History. 


Gentle  frost  & 
*  cider  invented 


W  snowQwindi 
shifty  ^  iV  »?<y 
snow,  and  it  may 

not  A  calm 
coldness  o  now 
potatoes  digqwind 
8  nor  by 

nor  west  9 
11  David  slewed 

Goliar 

cooler  O  with  a 
small  rock  5  hens 
begin  to  layX 
snow  squalls  O±  cold 
|2f  let  it  squall 
who  cares  <} 

11  ^  Eve  waz  the 
first  woman  V3 
raw  cold  $  Q 
vfeofocM 

her  man 
sharp  frostQ 
TTJjdown  with  A 

Q  the  taxes  8 


BEEFSTAKE   AND   ONIONS. 


Thare  aint  but  phu  men  who 
kan  stick  a  white  hankerchief  into 
the  brest  pocket  ov  their  overcut 
without  letting  a  leetle  ov  it  stick 
out,  — just  bi  acksident. 


A  cheerful  old  man,  or  old 
woman,  iz  like  the  south  side  ov 
a  wood  shed,  in  the  last  ov  win 
ter. 

Men  mourn  for  what  they  hav 
lost,  wimmin  for  what  they  hain't 
got 

It  if.  very  eazy  tew  repent  ov 
sins  we  hav  committed,  but  to  re 
pent  ov  thoze  we  intend  tew  com 
mit,  iz  asking  too  mutch  ov  enny 
man  theze  days,  I" 

Pitty  costs  nothing,  —  and  aint 
wuth  nothing. 


THE  THOUGHTFUL  FOX. 

The  Fox  iz  a  literary  bird;  he  waz  a  genius  long  before 
akedemick  honors  flourished ;  he  waz  a  poet,  skoller,  and 
sage,  before  the  days  ov  Homer  and  Herodotus ;  and  in 
our  times  he  iz  the  Ben  Butler  ov  diplomacy,  and  the 
Brigham  Yung  ov  matrimonial  ethicks.  The  fox  haz  no 
moral  honesty  but  he  haz  got  a  grate  supply  of  politikal 
honesty.  If  another  Fox  in  hiz  parish  wants  a  good  phatt 
goose,  he  will  work  hard  tew  git  him  the  goose,  and  hav 
ing  cleaned  the  meat  all  oph  from  the  subburbs  ov  the 
goose,  giv  hiz  politikal  friend  the  bones,  telling  him  with  a 
smile  in  hiz  eye,  "that  every  thing  iz  lovely  and  the  goose 
hangs  hi." 


lAthtrOttmatt.} 

MADAM  FILK1NS  LIQUOR  FOB 
BABES. 

Cures  hooping  coff,  meazels,  pane  in  the  side,  mumps, 
teething,  cancer,  rickets,  redgum,  and  bawling. 

Cures  gout,  hang  nails,  wont  go  tew  sleep,  stummak 
ake,  and  want  every  thing  they  see. 

Removes  warts,  wens,  wigglings,  an  wizenface. 

Mothers  lament  for  Madam  Filkins  liquor  for  babes. 

Babes  bawl  for  it 

Nurses  pray  for  it 

Fathers  buy  it  bi  the  barrelL 


30  Days. 


NOVEMBER. 


1871. 


The  bullfrog  hai  hung  up  hit  fiddle, 
The  bug  and  the  cricket  are  still ; 

No  more  can  be  heard  in  the  marshes. 
The  musketo  fileing  hit  bill. 


i 

2 

3 

4 
5 
6 

7 
8 

9 

10 
1 1 

12 

13 

lrs 

16 

Is 

19 

30 

;  ax 

22 

23 

24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3° 


History. 


Sour  andQ 

J3f  sadn\, 
grate  skassity  ov 

grasshoppers  ^ 
tt>«r  oW  A  S3 
chillyx 

Brighatn  Young 
born  18189 
coldQ,  Brigham 
was  a  youngsterT^ 
snow  on  the 

mountains 
Tin  time  of 
peace 

prepare  for 
war© 

raw  rain 9  Q 
Tnow  lay  in 

a  bad  cold  0 
for  winter  A 

li  it  snows  ± 
fhe  festive 
cockroach 
hazfiedrf 

•  winter  draws 
ni  i  cold  and 
clammy^     kats 
swell  with 

crossness  A  ? 


SLAP  JACKS. 


A  dog  iz  the  only  thing  on  this 
earth  that  luvs  yu  more  than  he 
luvs  himself. 


Lies  are  like  illegitimate  chil 
dren,  liable  to  call  a  man  Father  I 
when  he  least  expekts  it. 

A  gentleman  iz  a  gentleman  the 
world  over, —  it  iz  only  the  loafers 
that  differ. 

What  men  kant  do  they  are 
very  apt  tew  admire,  —  they  dont 
criticize  a  mountain  bekause  they 
kant  make  one. 


Sekrets  are  cussid  poor  proper 
ty  enny  how;  if  yu  cirkulate  them 
yu  loze  them,  and  if  yu  keep  them 
yu  loze  the  interest  on  the  invest 
ment. 


KALKVLABffUNB  0V  A  PROGNOSTIC 
NATUB. 

Whenever  yu  see  a  flok  ov  geese  all  standing  on  one 
leg,  except  the  old  gander,  and  he  chawing  hiz  cud,  look 
out  for  a  south-west  wind  tewmorow,  or  the  next  day,  or 
the  day  after,  or  at  sum  fewter  time. 

Should  thare  be  cold  weather  during  Febuary,  and 
should  roosters  refuse  to  crow,  and  the  taxgatherer  forgit 
tew  call  on  yu,  yu  will  hav  tew  trust  in  Providence,  and 
go  it  blind,  for  thare  aint  no  man  kan  prognostic  what 
will  cum  next 

Whenever  dogs  are  seen  travelling  around  with  nothing 
to  do  and  old  maids  refuse  their  tea,  and  hop  vines  wont 
klirnb,  and  grind  stuns  wont  grind,  then  yu  may  expekt  a 
lite  crop  ov  oats,  and  beans  wont  pay  for  harvesting. 

If  the  sun  rizes  in  the  east,  and  sets  in  the  west,  and 
the  bull  frogs  sings  sams  in  the  marshes,  and  thare  aint 
no  pulling  hair  in  the  family  circle,  things  are  about  az 
near  right  az  yu  can  git  them. 

Should  there  be  no  dew  on  the  grass,  in  the  morning 
before  sunrise,  it  iz  an  infallible  prognostix,  that  thare 
didn't  enny  dew  fall. 

Whenever  yu  see  two  crows  on  the  railfence,  one  white 
and  the  other  black,  edgeing  up  to  each  other,  look  out 
for  a  nigger  in  the  wood  pile. 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


1871; 


Now  kit  pigs  and  bucher  hens, 

Murder  geese  and  ducks  that  quack, 

Chop  down  wood,  and  sassage  make. 
And  evenings  play  —  Hylojack. 


M 


W 


M 


W 


M 

iS 
16 


18 


24 


M 


27 
28 
29 
3° 


History, 


haz 
about  pegged 

out  Si 

litter  cold®  {, 
~t? Homer  war  a 

good  poet 
eggs  dredful 
uncommon)^ 
grate  sno  stormVS. 
(,  Congress  iz  a 
sitting  g  si 
coldz?  but  don't 
thatch  out  enny- 

thing  8  wind 
north  t3£» 
beware  of  false 
proffits     ice  is 

from  12  inches  to 
afoot  thickv\  g 
Soloman  waz  a 
smart  manoi 
5  sighns  ov  a  thaw 
he  waz  a  good 
judge  ov  the  sex* 
colder  fj,the 

year  drops  its 
curtain  £  the  wind 
moans  X  farewell 
my  countrymen  lp 


OYSTER  PADDYS. 


One  ov  the  fussyest  scenes  i 
ever  beheld  waz  two  old  maids 
waiting  on  one- sick  bachelor. 


Revenge  iz  just  az  natral  to 
flow  az  milk,  —  yu  will  see  little 
boys  club  the  post  that  they  bump 
their  head  against. 


Opinyuns  are  like  turnips,  worth 
just  what  they  will  fetch. 


Courage  without  discreshun,  iz 
like  a  ram  with  horns  on  both 
ends,  he  will  hav  more  fights  on 
hand,  than  he  kan  do  justiss  to. 


When  yu  find  a  man  who  iz 
very  solisitus  about  the  welfare  ov 
everyboddy,  yu  kan  safely  put  him 
down  az  one  who  iz  hunting  for  a 
misfortune. 


LETTER  TO  FARMERS. 

Beloved  Farmers  : 

Agrikultur  iz  the  mother  ov  farm  produce;  she  iz  also 
the  step-mother  ov  gardin  sass. 

Rize  at  haff  past  2  o'clock  in  the  morning,  bild  up  a 
big  fire  in  the  kitchen,  burn  Out-  two  pounds  ov  kandels, 
and  grease  yure  boots. 

Wait  pashuntly  for  da  brake.  When  day  duz  brake, 
then  commense  tew  stir  up  the  geese  and  worry  the  hogs. 

Too  mutch  sleep  iz  ruinous  tew  geese  and  tew  hogs. 
Remember  yu  kant  git  ritch  on  a  farm,  unless  yu  rize  at 
a  o'clock  in  the  morning,  and  stir  up  the  hogs  and 
worry  the  geese. 

The  happyest  man  in  the  world  iz  the  farmer ;  he  rizes 
at  2  o'clock  in  the  morning,  he  watches  for  da  lite  tew 
brake,  and  when  she  duz  brake,  he  goes  out  and  stirs  up 
the  geese  and  worrys  the  hogs. 

What  iz  a  lawyer  ? — What  iz  a  merchant  ? — What  iz  a 
doktor  ? — What  iz  a  minister  ? — I  answer,  nothing 

A  farmer  iz  the  nobless  work  ov  God;  he  rizes  at  2 
o'clock  in  the  morning,  and  burns  out  a  haff  a  pound  ov 
wood  and  two  kords  ov  kandels,  and  then  goes  out  tew 
worry  the  geese  and  stir  up  the  hogs. 

Beloved  farmers,  adew. 

JOSH  BILLINGS. 


EXTRAET  0  V  LETTERS. 

Fredom  Senter,  Nov.  I^t7l,  1870. 
FRIEND  BILLINGS: 

Thi  Allmanax  for  1871  waz  good  for  the  flesh,  az  well 
az  for  the  soul  ov  man ;  it  fatted  me  distinktly  on  the 
ribs.  Iremane  thine.  Obadiah  Broadbrim. 


MR.  BILLINGS  : 

We  shall  hereafter  embody  yure  Allmanaxes  in  our 
journal.  Editor  of  London  Athaneum. 


DEAR  JOSH  BILLINGS  : 

Enklosed  in  this  letter,  yu  will  find  1 7  cents  for  one 
allmanaxt ;  i  am  poor,  and  this  iz  all  the  money  i  hav 
got,  and  i  haint  got  no  live  mother. 

Charley  Sriggs,  Jun. 


Klamburgh,  Oktober  30,  1870. 
DEAR  MISSER  JOSH  : 

The  lor  bles  yuse,  and  yuse  allmanaksts  for  1871  ;  it 
made  dis  chile  perspire  gratuitussly  wid  bliss. 

Yure  cullud  person  friend,          Josepheen  fohnsing. 


MISTER  JOSHUA  BILLINGS  : 

I  hav  both  ov  yure  2  allmanaxes  for  1870  and  1871, 
and  wish  yu  would  send  me  bi  the  barrow  yure  allman 
axes  for  1872  and  1873  and  1874,  exklusive.  I  will 
emit  the  munny  in  a  fu  daze.  No  more  now  from  yure 
loveing  friend,  Jerusha  Sheldon,  dauter  ov  widdo  Sheldon, 
near  Spraker's  Mill,  on  the  Coshokton  pike. 


HOROSKOPE  FOR  JANUARY. 

The  yung  gentleman  born  this  month  will  reraane  a 
bachelor  untill  hiz  16  year,  and  will  hav  kurly  hair.  He 
will  finally  settle  down  still,  and  marry  for  life.  Hiz 
father  will  be  a  grate  lover  ov  phast  horses.  He  will 
liv  tew  be  over  60  years  ov  age,  and  die  worth  about  750 
dollars,  klear  ov  awl  debt. 


The  yung  lady  bom  this  month  will  kno  how  tew  pla 
on  the  pianner,  and  nit  worsted.  She  will  be  a  blondy, 
and  be  near  sited,  and  fall  in  luv  with  grate  diffikulty. 
She  will  finally  git  wedded  tew  the  man  she  marrys,  and 
her  whole  life  will  be  eazy.  If  she  marrys  the  seckond 
time  her  husband  will  be  a  dentist  or  an  alderman. 


ADVICE  TEW  TUNG  KLERQYMEN. 

Dont  preach  the  gospel  for  less  than  850  dollars  a 
year,  salary  payable  quarterly  in  advance. 

A  congregashun  who  kant  afford  tew  pay  850  dollars 
a  year,  want  a  missionary  more  than  they  do  a  klergy- 
man. 

Be  sure  and  run  the  church ;  don't  let  the  church  run 
you. 

Az  i  sed  up  at  the  top,  git  az  mutch  ov  yure  salary  az 
possible  in  advance,  for  i  dont  kno  ov  enny  det  so  hard 
tew  kollekt  az  a  minister's  salary,  after  it  once  gits  kold. 


31  Days. 


JANUARY. 


1872. 


K 


6> 


A  stirring  man  it  nabor  Bush, 
Yu  never  ketched  him  idle ; 

Six  daze  he  works,  and  sundaze  tie 
Salts  geese,  and  reads  the  bible. 


13 


16 


18 


23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
[29 
3° 


W 


W 


Kalkulashuns. 


\  Now  pik  geese  (9 
g  awful 

kold  n  $ 
thou  shah  not 
commit 

swareing  11 
Si  a  (W0r«  sighns 

ov  kold  y£ 
23  now  bruize  wood 
<P  »V  M  &>/</  K 
Jti  Jim 
Sheriden 

born  iSiSlf 
«ozw  expekt 

a  thaw  a± 
TIE  Jim 

waza 
fiddler  zs  t 
Vt$_  it  duz  thaw  ¥ 
•  thare  are  no 
fiddlers 

in  heaven  © 
thaw  kontinues  % 

in  kase  ov 
doubt,  lead 

trumps  in, 
$(  the  thaw  freezes 


RAMRODS. 


Revenge  sumtimes  sleeps,  but 
vanity  alwus  keeps  one  /open. 


Thare  iz  nothing  in  this  world 
that  a  man  pays  so  hi  a  price  for, 
and  gits  so  little  ov  hiz  munny 
back,  as  he  duz  for  Repentance. 


I  hav  finally  cum  tew  the  kon- 
klushun,  if  a  man  kant  be  born 
but  once,  he  had  better  issue  pro 
posals  tew  hav  it  dun  sumwhare 
in  Nu  England. 


The  only  human  being  on  the 
face  ov  this  earth  that  I  really 
envy,  iz  a  laffing  Christian. 


Men  ov  little  authority  are  like 
men  ov  little  strength — alwus  anx 
ious  tew  lift  sumthing. 


nOROSKOPE  FOB  FEBUARY. 

The  man  born  this  month  will  be  good  looking,  but 
too  mutch  prone  tew  toe  in  when  he  walks.  He  will  hav 
2  wifes,  and  a  small  hand,  except  when  he  plays  whist ; 
then  he  will  hav  a  big  one.  Hiz  fust  wife  will  be  kross- 
eyed,  but  hiz  seckond  one  will  be  kross  all  over.  He 
will  hav  4  children,  who  will  all  pass  through  the  mea- 
zles,  with  grate  credit  tew  themselfs  and  no  disgrace  tew 
the  meazles. 


The  yung  female  born  during  this  month  will  show 
grate  judgement  in  sorting  her  lovers,  and  will  finally 
marry  a  real  estate  agent.  She  will  hav  a  phew  failings ; 
but  who  cares?  she  wouldn't  be  interesting  if  she  didn't. 
At  28  she  will  be  a  widow,  and  at  stated  intervals  will  be 
inklined  tew  gush  a  little.  (For  the  sake  of  variety  we 
say,  let  her  gush.) 


A  GOOD  FAMILY  JOB. 

(To  kure  bed  bugs.) 

Bile  the  bed  bugs  tew  a  gravy ;  then  take  equal  parts 
ov  sassyfrass  rutes  and  mingle  with  the  gravy ;  then  find 
a  hoel  in  the  ground  that  aint  occupied ;  then  pour  the 
gravy  into  the  hoel ;  then  fasten  up  the  hoel  with  2 
pounds  ov  gunpowder ;  then  tutch  off  the  hoel  with  a  10 
foot  poel ;  then  run  like  litening.  If  this  don't  kure  the 
bed  bugs,  and  the  hoel  too,  they  hav  both  got  it  the 
natral  way,  and  kan't  be  healed. 


29  Days. 


FEBRUARY. 


1872. 


Sim  Blodget  waz  an  awful  brag, 
Alwus  telling  sumthing  or  nulhert— 
"  Square  Brown  and  he  kept  60  cows  I " 
The  square  kept  59,  and  Sim  the  tuther. 


I3 

14 


16 


18 


M 


W 


23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 


W 


Kalkulashum. 


Jft  Kold,  but  sharp 
•  2  When  this 
yu  see,  remember 

me  O  * 

sighns  ov  kold  4 
now  pun tch 

fires  A  £= 
weather  increases 
•  6  Dave  Larkin 
born  1763  ©  SI 
fa  wind  north  A 
Dave  Larkin 
wu 

a 

hoss  jockey  H£» 
snow,  mixt  with 

Dave  Larkin  delt 

in 

saw-hosses  © 

kold,  but  bitter  9 

3  Oh !  cockroach, 

whare  iz 

thine 

sting?  ~ 

kold  gits  more  so 

JSP"  now  giv  in 

marriage  0 


THISSELS. 


Thare  iz  two  kind  ov  men  that 
i  dont  kare  to  meet  when  i  am  in 
a  grate  hurry :  men  that  i  owe, 
and-  men  that  want  to  owe  me. 


Jokes  are  like  butternuts.  To 
be  good,  they  musn't  be  cracked 
flatways. 


It  iz  just  az  natral  tew  be  born 
poor  az  tew  be  born  naked,  and 
it  ir  no  more  disgrace. 


Truth  iz  like  the  burr  docks  on 
the  end  ov  a  cow's  tail :  the  more 
she  shakes  them  oph,  the  less  she 
gits  rid  ov  them. 


I  think  young  coxcombs  end 
their  lives  az  old  slovens. 


HOROSKOPE  FOR  MARCH. 

The  man  born  this  month  will  be  inklined  tew  blow  a 
little.  He  will  be  a  domestik  man,  and  will  kno  how  to 
rok  the  kradle  and  pare  potatoze.  He  will  marry  the 
only  daughter  of  a  widdo,  and  will  be  a  good  judge  of 
mothers-in-law.  He  will  die  about  the  usual  time  in  life, 
and  leave  a  house  and  lot,  with  a  small  mortgage  on  it. 
He  never  will  run  for  offiss  but  once,  and  then  will  git 
beat 

o 

The  woman  who  appears  this  month  will  be  an  old 
maid  till  she  is  20  years  old,  and  then  will  sudenly  put  a 
stop  tew  this  kind  ov  bizzness,  by  investing  in  a  yung 
man.  She  will  be  a  good  housekeeper,  and  kno  how 
tew  make  a  plum  puddin,  with  the  plums  left  out  She 
will  hang  on  to  her  buty  till  she  iz  about  45  ;  after  that, 
she  will  hav  to  take  her  chances. 


[AdDertitemenl.] 

Professor  John  Spruce  (graduate)  begs  leaf  tew  inform 
the  citizens  ov  Pordunk  village  that  he  will  open  a  school 
for  male  yung  men,  over  Nikodemus  Bradle/s  waggon 
shop,  in  whitch  will  be  taught  the  nobel  art  of  chawing 
gum,  in  all  the  hier  branches. 

Private  lessons  administered  tew  yung  ladiz  at  their 
boarding-house.  The  Professor  pledges  himself  tew 
teach,  in  six  easy  lessons,  the  gum-chawing  science  tew 
a  spot. 

N.  B. — Seckond  hand  gum  alwus  on  hand,  for  sale 
low. 


31  Days. 

MARCH. 

1872. 

o 

^. 

L 

a 

__5=*_ 

y^ 

o  r 
"5.  t? 

—  O—  1 

**  1 

g    K 

PI 

*t 

34 

.a  'S 

a  ^ 

«4    Q 

o    ^ 

1 

Dame  Barker  had  a  yerling  hen, 
Who  swore  she'd  set,  or  raze  the  dickens  ; 
The  dame  sot  her  on  an  ear  ov  korn, 

•  K 

*| 

1 

0* 

And  razed  a  bushel  an  haff  ov  chickens. 

V 

D 

* 

Kalkulashuns. 

CODICILS. 

I 

F 

&,  Breezy  Q  f 

To  work  iz  the 

erate  law  ov 

2 

3 
4 

S 

S 
G 

M 
T 

Klam  soup  diskov- 
ered  1500  Iff 
sighns  ov  wind  Q 
Jim  Pettybone 

natur.      If  the  woodchuck  ever 
dont    bild    enny  hole,  he   wont 
hav  one.     It  iz  true  he  may  steal 

6 

W 

created  1312-0  O 

one  ;  but  then  sum  other  wood- 

7 

T 

Jim  waz 

chuck  will  hav  tew  dig  two. 

an  intemperance 

9 

S 

man  [(o)] 

an— 

10 

G 

mutch  wind  js? 

ii 

M 

Jim  Pettybone  died 

Thare  are  folks 

who  dont  do 

1  2 

W 

i  wind  grows  TIJ, 

enny  hard  work  but  watch 

their 

-14 

T 

Jim  died  ov  the 

simptoms.     I  hav  saw  dogs  akt 

I5 

F 

triangular 

just  az  sensibel.     I  hav  saw  a  rat- 

16 
18 

S 
G 

M 

lemons  6 
fresh,  but  windy 
&  now  dig  angle 

tarrier  watch  the  simptoms  ov  a 
knot-hole  in  a  board-fence  all  day, 

ig 

T 

worms  O  3 

for  sum  rat  tew  cum 

forth,  and  no 

y 
20 

W 

wind  rizesr<$&* 

rat  didnt  cum  forth. 

21 

T 

Lafayette  waz 

22 

F 

a 

eoa— 

27 

S 

friend  to 

O 

24 

G 

.this 

I  alwus  did  admire  the  malice 

25 

M 

land  5  V3  rfc 

ov  the  mule.     If  a 

freak  ov  for- 

26 

T 

wind 

tune  had  made  me  az  misfortunate 

27 
28 
29 
3° 

W 
T 

F 

S 

inklined  tew 
be  windy  £5 
Q  Tom  Hyer.waz 
a 

amung  men  az  the  mule  iz  arming 
animilds,  i  would  begin  tew  let 
drive  at  things  a  mile  an  a  haff 

31 

G 

pugilisshnus  [§§] 

off. 

HOROSKOPE  FOB  APRIL. 

The  man  born  this  month  will  hav  a  liquid  tempra- 
ment,  but  not  necessarily  inklined  tew  licker.  Hiz  grate 
aim  will  be  tew  git  married  ;  and  he  will  git  hiz  bird,  bi 
marrying  a  butiful  and  also  good-looking  wife.  They 
will  liv  happy  az  two  lambs,  and  leave  one  son,  whom 
they  intended  should  be  president  ov  the  United  States, 
but  who  very  wisely  konkluded  tew  be  a  merchant 
taylor. 


The  lady  born  this  month  will  hav  blew  eyes,  and  a  full 
set  ov  teeth.  Her  heart  will  be  az  tender  az  a  porter 
house  steak.  She  will  keep  a  lap  dorg,  who  will  hav 
weak  eyes,  and  whose  Christian  name  will  be  Fanny. 
She  will  die  and  leave  a  bed-quilt,  which  will  go  down 
tew  posterity,  with  upwards  of  7  hundred  blocks  in  it. 


[Adaertttemtnt.] 

JOB  SARGENTS  KLENSING  SOPE. 

Job  Sargent,  being  ov  sound  mind,  and  expressly 
afrade  ov  the  devil,  dont  hesitate  tew  say  that  his  klens- 
ing  sope  will  take  the  spots  oph  from  everything.  . 

ist.  It  will  remove  the  spots  from  a  coach  dog  in  3 
daze. 

2d.  It  will  take  the  spots  oph  from  a  ten  ov  dimonds 
in  15  mi  units. 

3d.  Kan  the  leopard  change  his  spots? — i  answer  it 
kan,  bi  using  Job  Sargent's  only  klensing  sope. 

4th.  Persons  ov  a  spotless  reputashun,  and  anxious 
tew  keep  so,  will  never  be  without  this  sope. 

5th.  Job  Sargent  never  told  a  lie — so  did  George 
Washington. 


30  Days. 

•If 

i 

*•*     A. 

«-g 


«  . 


APRIL. 


1872. 


M    a 

e-§ 
©  g- 

B 


A  sloven  farmer  wax  old  Snyder; 
He  spent  his  time  a  drinkin  sydef. 
Together  he  worked  a  cow  and  muel, 
And  never  sent  his  boys  tew  skewel. 


M 


W 


13 
15 

16 

i? 

18 


24 
25 
26 

27 
28 
29 
30 


Kalkulashuns  . 


ti],  Now  sort  yore 

rats  £  <B 
sum  rain  « 
sow  yure  hoss- 

radish  n  $ 
©  bat,  but  wet  0 

5  hoss-radish  iz  a 
smart  vegatable  2* 

&»Bill  Kurtis 
born  1749  i  •  © 
J  [  sighns  ov  rain  \  \ 
Bill  Kurtis  had 

a 

wodden  leg  SI  $. 
mild,  but  pleazant 
fjfcj  now  bury  beans 

$  beans  are  a 
joyful  krop  D 

n  wind  soft  A 
thou  shall  not  steal 
<J  more  wet  g 

plant  pickels 
for  arly  cow- 
kumbers  J  11 

=s  J^/V  breezes  & 
now  lend  umbrel- 
lers  T  S          ^^  • 
now  jerk  lettiss  £? 


HOOKS  AND  EYES. 


Yu  kant  konvert  sinners  bi 
preaching  the  gospel  tew  them  at 
haff-price.  Enny  sinner  who  iz 
anxious  tew  git  hiz  religion  in 
that  way  iz  satisfied  with  a  poor 
artikle. 


Prudes  are  coquets  gone   tew 
seed. 


Thare  iz  no  better  evidence  ov 
wisdum  than  tew  beleave  what  we1 
kant  understand. 


Yu  will  alwus  notis  one  thing  : 
the  devil  never  offers  tew  go  into 
partnership  with  a  bizzy  man ; 
but  yu  will  often  see  him  offer 
tew  jine  the  lazy,  and  furnish  all 
the  capital. 


EOROSKOPE  FOR  MAY. 

The  gentleman  who  invests  hiz  life  in  this  month  will 
be  very  quick  tempered,  espeshily  when  a  hornet  lights 
on  him  in  anger.  His  mother  will  set  a  good  deal  by  him, 
espeshily  when  he  iz  in  the  kradle.  He  will  hav  the 
mumps  very  light,  and  will  spend  most  ov  his  life  intend 
ing  tew  marry,  but  will  die  at  last  with  a  half  dozen  old 
maids  on  hiz  hands.  The  wash  wimmin  will  remember 
him  az  the  man  who  never  wore  paper  collars- 


The  lady  born  this  month  will  fust  be  a  bud,  and  after 
wards  a  blossom.  Her  heart  will  be  az  full  ov  twitter  as  a 
kanary  bird  on  a  perch.  She  will  hav  twilight  hair.  She 
will  hav  menny  lovers.  She  will  be  reasonabel  fond  ov 
silk  clothes,  but  her  grate  joy  will  be  in  a  bonnet  She 
will  hav  az  little  jealousy  az  it  is  prudent  for  a  woman  tew 
hav. 


CHOICE  OLD  RECEIPTS. 
To  learn  a  kat  how  tew  bite — feed  her  on  kat  nip  tea. 
o 

To  remove  goose  pimples  (from  a  goose) — loose  the 
goose. 


To  kure  a  weak  back — lay  still  for  a  week  ahead. 

o 

To  make  yure  mark — fall  out  ov  a  third  story  windo. 

o 

To  ketch  a  bad  kold — lay  down  on  the  ground,  and 
watch  for  it,  bi  moonlite. 


31  Days. 


I 
I- 


MAY. 


1872. 


»  sr 


/»  the  ground  hide  unyiin  seed. 
Bury  korn,  and  beetz,  and  Icttiss  ; 
Chuck  in  sum  peas,  and  lima  beans, 
If  the  arth  dont  seem  tew  wettish. 


14 
15 
16 

i? 
18 

19 


M 


\V 


23 
24 

25 

26 

27 
28 
29 
3° 


W 


Kalkulashuns. 


J$.  Now  kount  yure 


o/rf  showers  \  ] 
expekt  grass  Jg 

S3  Mary  Spalding 
born  1642  4  * 
warm,  but  sunny 
<D  Mary  Spalding 
waz  a  widder  fli 
fi  ra«'»  xy 
now  plant  tud- 

stools 

Qhot,  but  cool  Q 
all  men  were  born 

free  and  equal  iji 
©  more  war  my  3 
Joner  waz 

et  bi 

a  whale  5  £  • 
I£  expekt  rain  55 
O  dandylions  draw 
ni  IP        o  /'«' 

mildness 

now  fall  in  love  j^ii 

£  warm  increases 

David  Perkins 

waz 

a 

hansum 
man  ©  A  Q  4 


PLUMB  PUD  DIN. 


If  i  waz  a-going  tew  civilize  a 
parcel  ov  heathen  (bi  the  job) 
on  sum  distant,  far  off,  and  re 
mote  ile,  i  should  debate  sum 
time  in  mi  mind  which  tew  send, 
an  invoice  ov  dancing-masters  or 
missionarys. 

Hope  haz  made  a  grate  menny 
blunders;  but  thare  iz  one  thing 
about  her  that  I  alwus  did  like : 
she  means  well. 


Most  ennyboddy  thinks  he  kan 
keep  a  good  hotel  (and  he  kan) ; 
but  this  akounts  for  the  grate 
number  of  kussid  mean  ones  all 
over  the  country. 

Whenever  yu  hear  a  man  who 
alwus  wants  tew  bet  hiz  bottom 
dollar,  you  kan  make  up  yure 
mind  that  that  iz  the  size  ov  hiz 
pile. 


HOROSKOPE  FOR  JUNE. 

The  male  individual  born  during  June  will  be  one  of  7 
children,  but  not  the  only  one.  He  will  hav  3  brothers, 
and  one  sister,  who  will  marry  a  hard  shell  baptist 
preacher.  He  will  studdy  law,  and  enter  the  profeshun 
with  gilt  edge  prospekts,  but  his  fust  klient  being  a  coun- 
terfiter,  whom  he  succeeds  in  gitting  clear,  and  receiving 
50  dollars  in  counterfit  money  for  his  services,  disgusts 
him  with  the  bizzness. 


The  female  who  appears  on  the  platform  this  month 
will  alwus  hav  cause  tew  wonder  whi  she  did  it.  Her 
father  will  be  a  skool  teacher,  and  he  will  bring  her  up  in 
the  distrikt  skool  bizzness.  At  29  years  and  six  months 
she  will  marry,  and  will  be  well  edukated  in  the  dutys  ov 
a  wife,  for  she  will  understand  Daball's  arithmetik,  and 
parseing,  just  az  eazy  az  falling  down  the  cellar  stairs. 
She  will  hav  but  one  son,  and  he  will  be  edukated  oph 
from  hiz  feet  at  an  early  age. 


ANNOUNCEMENT  EXTRORNARY. 

(Advcrtizemtnt.) 

Phelix  Phungus  (dog  dokter),  late  ov  the  royal  vetenary 
college,  and  12  years  in  a  doggery  in  the  old  country, 
offers  hiz  services  tew  the  Pordunk  people.  He  kan  re 
move  fleas  from  a  dog  in  16  minnits  ;  he  kan  take  the 
krook  out  ov  a  dog's  tail  in  13  minnits ;  he  kan  learn  a 
dog  tew  lie  in  front  ov  a  fire  all  day  in  12  minnits;  he 
kan  tell  how  fast  a  dog  kan  run  hitched  tew  a  tin  pail  in 
3  minnits ;  and  kan  tell  how  mutch  sassage  he  will  make 
bi  just  hefting  him.  Consultashuns  free. 

P.  P.  D.  D.  PHELIX  PHUNGUS,  DOG  DOKTOR. 


30  Days.                      JUNE.                              1872. 

I 

M*P  ^  ^k 

0  L 

1 

^i^^Slfe^^w  S^V 

2.  •? 

«  s. 

•3 

jllw^\^rv  mlf  *  ^'Jt-fy   <^^^^\\ 

m    3 

>  "a 

/^^^SE?W,  fti  y-fc^WjEiii  <<  "^w^^3^ 

"*    c 

;'     1Vt\  1       ^SSs;^^  ^^35^7"^  —  £;"  'tr^-*  V-^**"^__^ 

a   "" 

1 

Mary  Moore  iz  a  farmer's  lass, 

II 

1 

She's  winsitm  az  a  posy  ; 

P*~    CL 

Ql 

The  chap  wlio  ketches  Mary  Moore, 

" 

Wont  be  no  kunlryjosey. 

Og 

tw 

ft 

Kalkulashuns. 

ROOTS  AND  ARBS. 

I 

S 

5,  Sweetly  warm 

8  wont  go  into    6,   and   hav 

2 

3 
4 

G 
M 

T 

fll  now  grab  roses 
fafrtquctit  wet«2> 
John  Smith  born 

ennything  left  over.      Menny  a 
yung  phellow  haz  found  out  this 

6 

\\' 
T 

in  the  year  4  &» 

bi  tricing  tew  git  a  number  6  boot 
on. 

7 

F 

John  Smith  waz  a 

8 

S 

good  investment  9 

9 

M 

warm,  tut  grmvy 

Thare  iz  nothing  a  man  will  git 

10 
ii 

T 

t  John  Smith 

so  sick  ov  az  too  mutch  molasses. 

12 

W 

waz 
better  than 

(Sweet  girls,  make  a  note  ov  this.  ) 

13 

14 

F 

kompound  interest 

^3  

*T 

S 

S  now  imbibe 

16 

17 
Tc 

G 
M 
T 

fragrance  ys( 
fi  bully  for  John 
Smith  i; 

Prudery  iz  often  like  the  ches- 
nutt-burr:   it  duz  seem  as  tho  it 

10 
10 

W 

warm,  but  wet  SS 

never  would  open,  but  by  and  by 

y 

20 

T 

$  Elihu  Burritt 

it  yields  tew  the  frost,  and  lets  the 

21 

F 

waz  a  blacksmith  <} 

fruit  drop  out. 

22 

S 

<a  more  rain  Q 

23 

G 

now  expekt 

&>  

24 

M 

snaiks§  COT    § 

25 

T 

sighns  ov  wet 

I  dont  beleave  in  the  final  sal- 

26 

W 

moisture  0  }JI 

vashun  ov  all  men,  bekauze  thare 

27 
28 

T 
F 

VJt»  Horace  Greely 
iz 

are  so  menny  kases  in  which  i 

29 

S 

an 

kant  see  how  it  iz  going  tew  be 

30 

G 

editor  HI  ty  8 

made  tew  pay. 

HOROSKOPE  FOR  JULY. 

The  man  mortal  who  cums  tew  the  scratch  this  month  will 
be  a  grate  lover  ov  politikal  life,  and  after  menny  stormy 
trips  will  settle  in  hiz  natiff  village  a  konstable,  elekted 
by  19  majority.  He  will  liv  tew  be  ripe  with  old  age, 
and  hiz  posterity  will  wonder  how  he  managed  tew  spend 
a  whole  life  in  politiks,  and  keep  out  ov  state  prizon. 
(Hiz  posterity  probably  aint  aware  that  a  term  in  state 
prizon  iz  a  good  hard  tew  run  for  offiss  on.) 


The  girl  born  this  month  will  flash  like  a  streak  ov  yel- 
lo  sunshine.  She  will  be  sought  after  like  the  balm  ov 
menny  flowers.  She  will  liav  poetry  for  breakfast,  and 
spend  the  rest  ov  the  day  on  zephyrs  and  chocalate  kara- 
mels.  The  man  who  gits  her  for  a  wife  will  change  into 
a  butterfly,  and  the  two  will  be  seen,  sum  sweet  nite  this 
month,  flieing  away  to  the  song  ov  the  crickets. 


ADVICE  TEW  YOUNG  MEN. 

Dont  be  diskouraged  if  yure  mustash  dont  gro ;  it 
sumtimes  happens  whare  a  mustash  duz  the  best,  nothing 
else  duz  so  well. 

Dont  be  afrade  ov  enny  thing  that  iz  honarable,  and 
dont  forget  that  the  best  friend  that  God  haz  given  enny 
one  iz  hiz  conscience. 

Larn  tew  wait ! — this  iz  a  hard  gait  for  a  yung  man  tew 
travel,  but  iz  the  surest  way  tew  git  thare. 

If  you  hav  got  sum  wild  oats  (and  a  phew  wont  spile 
yu)  git  them  in  arly,  and  sow  them  deep,  so  they  will  rot 
in  the  ground. 


31  Days.                          JULY.                            1872. 

I 

^^            ^^^k 

1 

0  8- 

^v^r^asiiSi      A.  ^^VTr\iW 

i    o 

£   =» 

_fig.||Sj|jjSW«-^v!_  J^jefpvbrlj 

n    g 

« 

"•^K$   /    L^^*&e*$fiE-$*-Jfy\r' 

S* 

A    - 

^^^^^^.^^^^^fe-X"^ 

Is 

o* 

To  brake  a  mule,  or  yoke  a  steer, 

•o  § 

••*  S, 

Bob  Fletcher  waz  a  reddy  lad  ; 

o. 

\ 

He  and  his  mother  worked  the  farm  — 

V   er 
o 

o> 

Krewel  deth  had  took  away  his  dad. 

1 

V 

Q 

Kalkulashuns. 

PICKLED    TONGUE. 

i 

2 

3 
4 

M 
T 
W 

T 

U  Qffol®  Q 
now  lay  in  straw- 
berrys  and  kream  fi 
1j?  wind  south  If 

I  look  upon  the  north  pole  az 
one  ov  them  pekuliar  spots  ov 
ground,  if  it  aint  never  found,  we 

S 

F 

n  Frank  Stebbins 

shant  be  none  ov  the  wuss 

off: 

6 

S 

waz  born  this 

and  if  it  iz  found,  we  shant  be 

7 

& 

month  ££  n 

none  the  better  oft 

5$  more  heaty  Q 

9 

T 

*  Frank  Stebbins 

10 

W 

waz  a  hoss-jockey 

ii 

12 

F 

Q  now  exfekt 
wet  showers  m,  V 

I  kant  see  what  woman  wants 

J3 

S 

<t  Frank  Stebbins 

enny  more    "Rights"   for; 

she 

it 

M 

had  a  lemon- 

beat  the  fust  man  .born  into  the 

16 

T 

colored  mare  •» 

world  out  ov  a  ded  sure  thing, 

17 

W 

V3  hot,  but  wet  s 

and  she  kan  beat  the  last  one 

18 
10 

T 
F 

©  this  mare  could 
trot  suddenly  $3ti 

with  the  same  kards. 

20 

S 

O  grate  heatnesi 

21 

G 

A  Abel  waz  a 

OK— 

2  2 

M 

bachelor  $  • 

23 

T 

K  inkr  easing 

The  only  thing  which  makes  a 

24 

W 

warmth  8 

mule  so  highly  respektabel  is  the 

25 
26 

T 
F 

$  now  hunt 
for 

grate  accuracy  ov  hiz  kickings. 

27 

S 

thunder 

505  

28 

G 

and 

29 

3° 

M 
T 

lightning  a  ui 
O  hale  columbus 

Convince  a  phool  ov  hiz  errors, 

W 

happee  land  fgi 

and  you  make  him  yure  enemy. 

HOROSKOPE  FOR  AUGUST. 

The  gentleman  born  this  month  will  hav  one  eye  to 
the  main  chance,  and  the  other  eye  on  the  collatterals. 
He  will  be  sharper  than  good  cider  vinegar,  and  will  go 
at  a  transackshun  like  a  sketch  tamer  at  a  rat  hole. 
He  will  be  az  honest  az  a  hornet,  and  make  az  few 
blunders.  He  will  liv  tew  be  old.  Hiz  wife  will  die 
young — tired  out  trying  tew  keep  up  with  him. 


The  feminine  creashuns  ov  this  month  will  be  grate 
admirers  ov  the  sterner  sex.  They  will  fall  in  luv  easy, 
but  will  make  az  phew  blunders  az  enny  other  wimmin. 
They  will  be  guided  bi  the  impulses  ov  .their  naturs, 
which  in  most  wimmen  iz  a  safer  card  than  their  judge 
ments.  If  I  hadnt  got  one  ov  the  best  wifes  that  the 
world  haz  yet  produced,  I  should  be  inclined  to  ask 
(humbly)  for  one  ov  the  August-as. 

TO  ALL    WHOM  IT  MAT  CONSARN. 

(AJvertizemtnt.) 

Adam  Dipthong  (chicken  champion)  invites  a  discern 
ing  world  tew  peruse  hiz  egg-dispensing  poultry. 

His  "Hail  Columbys"  crossed  on  his  "Star  Spangled 
Banners"  iz  a  hen  who,  for  purity  ov  step,  swavity  of 
plumage,  and  modesty  ov  deportment,  kant  be  beat 

His  "  Last  Roze  ov  Summer,"  hiz  "  Merry  wives  ov 
Windsor"  and  hiz  "Love  lies  bleeding"  az  a  style  ov 
poultry,  haz  no  competitors  in  the  whole  horizon.  His 
" Kiss  me  Quicks"  chastised  with  a  delikate  sprinkling 
ov  his  "Meet  me  bi  moon  lite  alone"  as  pullets,  hav alwus 
stood  the  test ;  and  az  roosters,  are  alwus  reddy  "  tew 
fite  it  out  on  this  line  "  (or  enny  other)  "  if  it  takes  all 
summer." 


31  Days.                    AUGUST.                           1872. 

a 

\f'V*PP^     1S^   (SL 

1 

ig 

i\flt/f''!/  \SSk^-     H-  y  t  ^y~*"  '%fi\'*0£^'^^\  ^*^J!****\.r  r\_» 

C/3 

OJ     O 

>  -vM\  1'  Jtl^—  *r~Triruf^^^v  Jr~Y^t  »a 

8*  p 

•S.  w 

'wvi-  I'ffAf-  7l.4v^~--\\-    /Jy^^vM 

r>  * 

i  <v. 

^^"^j  l^>EY*§y^«SiisSfe!.lfe^      •*!##&" 

a- 

O     nl 

"~~  •   "?1  ~^H)S>"'S^=  •»»_^^^'n--.              &" 

©n 
-~ 

Ji  1 

Come,  farmers  all,  both  grate  and  small. 

1 

The  fields  with  yello  grain  are  wavy  ; 

S. 

o- 

Bring  out  yure  boys,  and  laffing  galls, 
And  make  the  bukweat  cry  Pecca^•y. 

1 

W 

9 

Kalkulashunt. 

EGG  NOGG. 

2 

3 

T 
F 

S 

O  O  Hot  i  H 
*a  Pete  Whetstone 
born  956  SI  g 

A  man  whom  yu  kan  hire  tew 
work  on  a  farm  for  nothing,  and 

4 

G 

SI  hotter  g 

board  himself,  will  just  about  earn 

5 

M 

©  Pete  waz  a  baie- 

hiz  wages. 

6 

T 

bak  rider  2  O 

7 

W 

©  thunder  and 

8 

T 

litening  \\  X 

0»— 

9 

F 

>S  Pete  rode  the 

TO 

S 

fust  bear  %  ^ 

A  learned   phool   iz  one 

who 

1  1 
12 

M 
T 
W 

UJ  hot  grows  wuss 
f  f  now  stab 
suckers  f  •*-  \  •*-  \ 

haz  read  everything,  and  simply 
remembers  what  he  haz  read. 

*4 

Q  hot  with  rain  9 

IS 
16 

F 

Q  kane  kilt  able  S 

cw  

S 

now  expekt  mutch 

18 

G 

M 

•warmth  1JT  s  kane 
waz  a  stunner  0 

The    highest  rate    ov  interest 

20 

T 

•.  •  heat  prickly  •.  • 

that    we    pay    iz    for    borrowed 

21 

W 

]£t  now  eat  kold 

trouble.     Things  that  are  alwus 

22 
23 

24 

T 

F 
S 

vittles   6   heat  biles 
$.  O  grave  1  wliare 
iz  thi  viktory  1  * 

a-going    tew   happen,    never    do 
happen. 

25 

G 

bigger  hot  J<S  Gen. 

26 

M 

Jackson  waz  a 

——an— 

27 

T 

dimokrat  8    hot  © 

28 
29 

W 
T 

and  now  beg  for 
ise 

I  hav  know  people  who  had  so 

30 

F 

kream  i  5 

little    karakter    that    they   didnt 

S 

Jjl  more  heaty  t 

even  hav  enny  phailings. 

HOROSKOPE  FOR  SEPTEMBER. 
The  man  born  this  month  will  be  what  iz  called  a  wit. 
He  will  be  az  phull  ov  wit  az  a  bottle  ov  ginger-pop. 
He  kant  hardly  wait  to  hav  the  cork  pulled  out,  and 
when  the  cork  iz  pulled  out  it  will  take  a  2  quart  bowl 
to  hold  a  haff  pint  ov  the  phizz.  He  will  make  jokes 
which  will  be  az  natral  az  blunders,  and  will  keep  hiz 
whole  family  (inkluding  the  hired  girl)  betwixt  a  suprise 
and  a  guess.  He  will  hav  a  house  phull  of  children,  who 
will  be  the  best  jokes  he  perpetrates. 


The  lady  born  this  month  will  be  mistress  ov  the  situa- 
shun.  She  will  hav  menny  admirers,  but  will  lead  them 
a  dusty  chase.  After  a  while  she  will  marry,  and  bekum 
az  serious  az  a  white  mice  in  a  wire  trap.  Her  husband 
will  be  az  proud  of  her  az  a  third  lutenant  ov  hiz  fust 
epaulettes.  Her  children  will  be  brought  up  to  toe  the 
mark,  and,  tho  different  from  all  the  other  wimmin  in  the 
naborhood,  she  will  be  admired  more  than  reproved 

ADVISE  TEW HOSS  JOCKEYS. 

Never  swop  hosses  with  a  deakon— not  if  yu  belong 
tew  the  same  church  he  duz. 

If  yu  hav  got  a  hoss  that  you  ask  200  dollars  for,  and 
are  offered  75  dollars  for  him,  alwus  sell  him ;  dont  spile 
a  good  hoss  trade  for  125  dollars. 

If  you  should,  bi  acksident,  git  hold  ov  a  sound  hoss, 
git  shut  of  him  az  soon  az  yu  kan,  for  yu  wont  be  happy 
with  him. 

If,  in  swopping  hosses,  yu  git  kornered,  and  kant  lie, 
postpone  the  trade  untill  next  day. 

Noboddy  ever  expekts  tew  buy  a  hoss  without  gitting 
cheated ;  tharefore,  if  a  hoss  jockey  dont  lie,  he  loses  one 
ov  his  blessed  privileges. 


30  Days.                   SEPTEMBER. 

1872. 

i 

ot&^\  ^/iss  A 

Ill 

|« 

J^&^I^M^^^ 

-Ii 

s  z 

E^j_  \|k%sia>  ^    \?^\  A,.,»"*-"  IJpSlSfv' 

e  S  5' 

J^  8 

~s^—  .^  "^z^^T.jjSp  "^-^CJSKMKfflPfe  "^  i 

£| 

.a  1 

•-i   5 

Deakon  John  Jones  waz  a  pius  man. 

.3 

But  for  one  thing  I  kant  lend  froze  ; 
'  Twas  asking  pardon  bekauze  he  swore, 

5~E 

$  i. 

When  his  old  ram  knokt  him  end  waze. 

Q    5* 

d« 

§  5. 

_©_ 

a 

Kalkulashuns. 

SLUNG-SHOT. 

i 

G 

IP  Mild,  but  gentle 

I  dont  know  how  it  iz  with  my 

2 

3 

4 

M 
T 

w 

$  Abram  Tucker 
bom  1694  i;  • 
<f  soft  winds  Si 

brother-man,  but  with  me  the  fall 
ov  the  Roman  empire  iz  a  grate 

5 

T 

*a  Abram  Tucker 

deal  eazier  tew  bear  than  a  fall  on 

6 

F 

fust  eat  pork  and 

the  ice  when  it  iz  wet. 

7 

S 

molassis  J     n  now 

8 

G 

look  for  rain  \\\ 

cos  

9 

M 

birds  with  feathers 

10 
ii 

T 

W 

flock  togethers  "  " 

Face  all  things  ;  even  adversity 

12 
11 

T 

F 

5  it  rains  fi 
T  now  lay  in  fride 

iz  polite  to  a  man's  face. 

O 

14. 

s 

oysters  nj, 

ceo 

^ 

G 

%  very  pleasant  3£ 

16 
18 

M 

T 

W 

0  John  Brown  died 
1861  *  O  cloudy  O 
V3  John  Brown 
died  ov  the  thrut 

Poverty  kant  be  wuss,  and  may 
be  better;  riches  kan  be  better, 
and  may  be  wuss.     The  differ 

J9 

20 

F 

disseaze  § 

ence  iz  in  favour  ov  poverty. 

21 

S 

fi  mild  5 

22 

G 

now  expekt  early 

—  —  <OT  

23 

M 

cider  o,  showery  T 

24 

T 

2  sighns  ov  an  arly 

Whenever  i  see  a  man  anxious 

25 

W 

frost  O  flk 

tew  git  into  the  middle  ov  a  file 

26 

T 

&  wind  east  fo 

that  dont  belong  tew  him,  i  am 

27 

F 

now  prepare 

alwus  anxious  «to  hav  him.  for  i 

28 

S 

for 

29 

G 

country 

kno  he  iz  sure  tew  be  the  wust 

30 

M 

cuzzins  rf  O  "P 

whipt  man  in  the  party. 

HOROSKOPE  FOR  OKTOBER. 

The  male  man  usherd  into  existence  this  month  will 
be  ov  an  enquiring  mind.  The  fust  thing  he  will  enquire 
for  will  be  sum  good  cider.  He  will  studdy  divinity  at 
fust,  but  will  quit  that  and  bekum  a  konduktor  on  a  hoss 
rale-rode ;  this  pays  better,  and  haz  more  perquisites. 
He  will  marry  the  woman  ov  his  choice,  which  iz  good, 
provided  the  choice  iz  all  right  His  hair  will  turn  grey 
before  he  dies,  but  after  he  dyes  he  will  hav  black  hair 
the  rest  of  hiz  days. 


The  woman  born  this  month  will  be  short  ov  stattue, 
and  acquainted  with  grief.  She  will  want  a  grate  menny 
things,  in  this  world,  that  aint  handy  tew  be  got.  She 
will  marry  just  about  the  right  time,  and  undertake  tew 
liv  with  her  mother  in  law,  which  iz  a  dimkult  kontrakt 
tew  fill.  The  wimmin  born  this  month  are  like  a  rhode 
island  greening,  ripen  slow,  and  are  most  delightful 
away  long  into  the  winter. 


TO    LET, 


Enny  person  having  an  easy  pill  to 
take,  that  will  restore  a  shatterd  rcpu- 
fas/nen,  without  change  ov  diet  tew  the 
pashitnt,  kan  hav  this  advertising  space 
hily  reasonable. 

Enquire  of 


31  Days. 


OCTOBER. 


i-* 

fl 

61  , 


1872. 


Bukwhcat  kakes  this  month  lay  in, 
Eat  freely  of  pork  and  sassage  ; 

Theze  things  kind  Heaven  givs  to  us, 
Who  in  thii  world -works  our  passage. 


Kalkulashuni. 


FOOT  PRINTS. 


If   i    had  a    boy  whoze    hair 


wouldnt    part  in 


the    middle,    i 
nth    a 


•  Kloudy,  but  cool 
"      8  Joel  Briggs  born 

listen  ..I8^7.l  ,j. 

Dreading) 

11  In  the  fall  of  1864,  a  wind 
storm  of  hurricane  proportions 
hit  Atlanta,  Georgia." 


more  convenient  time. 


LOVEY 

It's  no  joke,  Charley.  It  says 
;hat  the  wind  blew  the  buttons 

/right   off  General  Sherman's 

'uniform. 


24 

2.S 

T 

F 

$•  colder  t 
S  8  Enok  waz 

reputashun.                                     1 

26 

S 

translated  ©  "J? 

27 

G 

Q  frosty  5 

28 
2C) 

M 
T 

*  so 
waz 

Cunning,  at  best,  only  duz  the 

3° 

W 

Homer 

dirty  work  ov  wisdum  ;  tharefore 

31 

T 

translated  4  ^ 

I  dispize  it. 

HOROSKOPE  FOR  OKTOBER. 

The  male  man  usherd  into  existence  this  month  will 
be  ov  an  enquiring  mind.  The  fust  thing  he  will  enquire 
for  will  be  sum  good  cider.  He  will  studdy  divinity  at 
fust,  but  will  quit  that  and  bekum  a  konduktor  on  a  hoss 
rale-rode ;  this  pays  better,  and  haz  more  perquisites. 
He  will  marry  the  woman  ov  his  choice,  which  iz  good, 
provided  the  choice  iz  all  right.  His  hair  will  turn  grey 
before  he  dies,  but  after  he  dyes  he  will  hav  black  hair 
the  rest  of  hiz  days. 


islanW  ^.  __,.„.,   oiww,  ana  are  most  delightful 

away  long  into  the  winter. 


take,  that  will  restore  a  shatterd  rcpu- 
tashnn,  without  change  ov  diet  tew  the 
pashitnt,  kan  hav  this  advertising  space 
hily  reazonable. 

Enquire  of 


31  Days. 


OCTOBER. 


1872. 


s§ 

T3    *« 

S-8 

!l 

61  . 


Bukwheat  kakes  this  month  lay  in, 
Eat  freely  of  fork  and  sassage; 

Tkezc  things  kind  Heaven  givs  to  us, 
Who  in  this  world  works  our  passage. 


«  _5_ 
T 
W 

T 


Kalkulashuns. 


•  Kloudy,  but  cool 
8  Joel  Briggs  born 


FOOT  PRINTS. 


If   i    had  a    boy  whoze    hair 
wouldnt    part  in    the    middle,   i 


CHARILY 


this 


_      .  sj,v» 

luce  az  tne  habits  ov  the  pissmire 

•*•*$ 

Id. 

AT 

last  nite  *>  $ 

and  the  ant 

**T 

1C 

T 

¥  whiskee  iz  a  non 

J 

16 

W 

konduktor  Q, 

OB  

17 

T 

Ti!l  snow  falls  A 

18 

«9 

20 

F 

S 
G 

g  "biled  sassage 
iz  good  for  the 
tooth  ake  6  &  ? 

Thare  aint  but  phew  men  weak 
enuff  tew  admit  their  jealousys  ; 

21 

M 

A  wind  bracing  =s 

even  a  disgraced  rooster  in  a  barn 

22 

T 

jji  now  enquire 

yard  will  git  a  leetle  further  off 

23 

W 

for  cider  2 

and  begin  tew  crow  up  a  new 

24 
25 

T 
F 

3  S  Enok  waz 

reputashun. 

26 

S 

translated  ©  "5* 

27 

G 

Q  frosty  5 

28 

M 

^-  CTk 

29 

T 

waz 

Cunning,  at  best,  only  duz  the 

3° 

W 

Homer 

dirty  work  ov  wisdum  ;  tharefore 

3i 

T 

translated  $  ^ 

I  dispize  it. 

HOROSKOPE  FOR  OKTOBER. 

The  male  man  usherd  into  existence  this  month  will 
be  ov  an  enquiring  mind.  The  fust  thing  he  will  enquire 
for  will  be  sum  good  cider.  He  will  studdy  divinity  at 
fust,  but  will  quit  that  and  bekum  a  konduktor  on  a  hoss 
rale-rode;  this  pays  better,  and  haz  more  perquisites. 
He  will  marry  the  woman  ov  his  choice,  which  iz  good, 
provided  the  choice  iz  all  right  His  hair  will  turn  grey 
before  he  dies,  but  after  he  dyes  he  will  hav  black  hair 
the  rest  of  hiz  days. 


Jinny  person  having  an  easy  pnrra 
take,  that  will  restore  a  shatter d  rcpu- 
tashnn,  wit/tout  change  ov  diet  tew  the 
pashiint,  kan  hav  this  advertising  spate 
hily  reasonable. 

Enquire  of 


31  Days. 


OCTOBER. 


1872. 


Bukwheat  kakcs  this  month  lay  in, 
Eat  freely  of  pork  and  sassage; 

Theze  things  kind  Heaven  givs  to  us, 
Who  in  this  world  works  our  passage. 


W 


26 


M 


Kalkulashuns. 


•  Kloiidy,  but  cool 
8  Joel  Briggs  born 

1837  V 

•  warmer  5 

©  Joel  Briggs  waz 

a  tin  pedlar  f  4 

J  5  sighns  ov  rain  \  \ 

£  beware  ov  grass 

widders  £    <a  snow 

on  the  mountains 

T£  now  count  yure 

rats  O   sharp  frost 

last  nite  ^  J 
f  whiskee  iz  a  non 

konduktor  SI 

TT5  j  »<ra;  falls  A 

5  Tailed  sassage 

iz  good  for  the 

tooth  ake  <J  &  p 

A  wind  bracing  ^ 

rii  now  enquire 

for  cider  2 
T?  colder  t 
$  S  Enok  waz 

translated  ©  "J? 
fi  frosty  5 
*so 
waz 
Homer 
translated  i  ^ 


PRINTS. 


If  i  had  a  boy  whoze  hair 
wouldnt  part  in  the  middle,  i 
would  bedew  that  hair  with  a 
parent's  tear,  and  then  giv  up 
the  boy. 


Hurry  and  dispatch  are  often 
confounded,  but  they  are  az  un 
like  az  the  habits  ov  the  pissmire 
and  the  ant 


Thare  aint  but  phew  men  weak 
enuff  tew  admit  their  jealousys  ; 
even  a  disgraced  rooster  in  a  barn 
yard  will  git  a  leetle  further  off 
and  begin  tew  crow  up  a  new 
reputashun. 


Cunning,  at  best,  only  duz  the 
dirty  work  ov  wisdum ;  tharefore 
I  dispize  it. 


HOR OSEOPE  FOR  NOVEMBER. 

The  gentleman  born  this  month  will  be  a  hard  worker, 
but  phond  ov  old  wine.  He  will  forgit  tew  pay  sum  ov 
hiz  debts,  but  will  hav  a  blue  eye,  and  be  a  good  singer. 
He  will  marry  between  18  and  45,  and  be  an  excellent 
judge  ov  hash  on  toast.  He  will  liv  a  grate  length,  and 
reach  deth  by  a  cirkuitous  route. 


She  who  aims  tew  see  us  this  month  will  be  az  wel- 
kum  az  a  dandylion  in  the  buzzum  of  winter.  She  will 
be  a  dutiful  dauter,  a  warm-harted  sister,  a  tender  mother, 
and  a  handsum  wife — (Kind  Heaven !  send  us  az  menny 
ov  this  sort  az  convenient.) 


ADVICE  TEW  TUNG  DOKTORS. 

Hire  an  offiss  on  the  main  street  of  the  village,  and 
stay  in  the  offiss. 

When  yu  do  go  out,  alwus  go  on  the  jump. 

Dont  never  talk  mutch  on  enny  subjek,  but  alwus  look 
kussid  misterious. 

Seldum  go  tew  church,  but  when  yu  do,  alwus  leave 
before  the  church  duz. 

Charge  everyboddy  like  thunder  and  litening. 

If  yu  pholler  theze  rules  clussly,  and  don't  suckceed, 
yu  kan  kum  tew  the  konklushun  that  the  doktrine  bizz- 
ness  ain't  so  good  as  it  waz  last  year. 


30  Days. 

NOVEMBER. 

1872. 

•3  ^ 
«  o 

|L 

ill 

fe^V* 

• 

— 

3I(,, 

2*0*  ffAif5 

IS1 

4 

0  ft 

^Jrr'jN' 

*  J 

o  *•* 

yane  Lovell  waz  a  farmer's  wife, 

S. 
£»" 

>    § 

i  8 

A  wife  waz  she  wuth  having,  too  ; 
For  when  Jane  Lovell  rooted  up  her  sleeves. 

Things  round  that  hous  begin  tew  flew. 

© 

| 

Kalkulashuns. 

TIT  BITS. 

2 

F 
S 
G 

{,  Sour,  but  told  8 
V3  remember  Lot's 
wife  S3     fi  raw. 

A  dandy  in  love  iz  in  just  about 
az  bad  a  fix  az  a  stik  ov  mollassis 

4 

At 

but  sour 

^ 

kandy  that  haz  begun  tew  melt 

S 

T 

A  Lot's  wife  waz 

6 

W 

the  psalt  ov  the 

tff>  

7 

1 

earth  at 

8 

F 

TTJl  more  sour  § 

The  meanest  kind  ov  a  loafer 

9 

S 

S  all  good  wifes  are 

iz  he  who  iz  willing  tew  be  abuzed 

10 

M 

HI,  more  raw  X 

by  every  one 

for  the  privilege  ov 

12 

T 

W 

Q  Adam  Sturgis 
born  1853  9  windy 

abusing  others. 

14 

T 

a  Adam  Sturgis 

—COO 

1C 

F 

waz  a  twin  > 

c  £ 

16 

S 

n  rain,  mixt  with 

Curiosity  had  twins  ;  one  waz 

i? 

G 

snow  V3     23  now 

Invcnshun,  the  other  waz   Stick- 

18 

M 
T 

psalt  sheeps  3s 
0  wind  bights  A 

Yure-Noze-Into-  Things. 

20 

W 

multiplika- 

ooooooo 

—  coa 

21 

T 

shun  table 

23 
24 

F 
S 
G 

diskovered 
12158  0 

ooooooo 

000000000 

Deth  iz  an  arrow  shot  into  a 
krowd  ;  the  only  rezon  whi  it  hit 

25 

M 

the  multiplikashun 

another  iz  bekauze  it  missed  us. 

26 

T 

table  iz  hard  tew 

27 

W 

beat  0  '= 

• 

—  005  

28 

T 

Q  sour  rain  X! 

29 

F 

y&  Bill  Adams  waz 

Arly  genius  iz  like  arly  cab 

30 

S 

a  free  mason  v3 

bage  :  it  dont  apt  tew  hed  welL 

HOROSKOPE  FOB  DECEMBER. 

The  man  born  this  month  will  hav  a  sanguine  tempra- 
ment  He  thinks  he  iz  in  luv  with  every  woman  he 
meets,  and  wont  git  married  till  late  in  life.  When  he 
duz  git  wedded,  he  is  a-going  tew  wed  a  woman  who  haz 
been  playing  the  same  game  he  haz — falling  in  love  with 
every  man  she  meets.  They  are  both  ov  them  going  tew 
git  cheated  the  wust  way. 


The  girl  .born  this  month,  tho  late  in  the  season,  is 
a-going  tew  ketch  up  before  she  gits  through.  She  wont 
remane  single,  and  iz  a-going  tew  be  a  leetle  diffikult  tew 
manage  double.  She  will  see  Naples,  but  iz  too  smart 
to  die  right  off  on  that  account  She  will  admire  menny 
men,  but  will  love  but  one,  and  that  iz  her  husband. 
If  her  husband  iz  smart  enuff  to  know  this,  they  will 
travel  through  life  like  a  pigeons. 


SIMPLE  REMIDIZ. 

Tew  kure  the  bight  ov  a  krab,  soke  the  krab's  feet  in 
bileing  hot  water. 

Tew  find  the  kontents  ov  a  gallon  ov  whiskee,  multi 
ply  a  pint  ov  fusil  ile  bi  8  pints  ov  Venice  turpentine. 


Tew  kure  the  gout,  liv  on  Boston  krackers,  and  saw 
wood  for  25  cents  a  kord. 


Tew.  make  a  goose  good  eating,  bring  her  up  tenderly. 


Tew  keep  kats  from  being  et  up  bi  rats,  muzzle  the  rats. 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


1872. 


I* 

"O 

°   S 

r 

d* 


The  farmer  leads  an  eazy  life, 
12  hours  a  day  ends  hit  labors , 

Evenings  pares  apples  for  cider  sass, 
Or  hauls  over  the  coals  hiz  nabort. 


! 


M 


W 


13 


17 

18 
'9 


23 
24 

25 
26 

27 
28 
29 
3° 


M 


W 


M 


Kalkulashuns. 


O  A  Kold  and 
snowsome  11 
S;  Yankee  doodle 
born  1659  • 
•  mutch  hold  <f 
*  Yankee  doodle 

still  livsH 
snow  60  foot  deep 
9  Yankee  doodle 

iz 

a  lively  cuss  TIJ, 
a.  grate  hold  a 
Jjl  now  hammer 

out  oats  O 
(O  holder  [[I] 

expekt  sla  rides  $ 
¥  Mar/,  &rf  &>/</ 
©  thou  shall 

not 

covet  thi  nabor's 
jackass  $ 
fi),  snow  inkreases 
©  now  murder 

hogs  S3 

~  wind  shifty  ~ 
¥  now  tear  up 
wood  If 


r9  the  grass  hopper 
haz  fled  <5r-  ^>   (£ 


How  fast  will  the  "  comeing 
man"  probably  travel?  I  kant 
tell  to  a  dot ;  but  if  he  kant  beat 
2.25,  he  better  stay  whare  he  iz. 


A  man  with  a  phew  branes  iz 
like  a  dog  with  one  flea  on  him — 
dredful  oneazy. 


Be  humble,  and  yu  are  sure 
tew  be  thankful ;  be  thankful,  and 
yu  are  sure  tew  be  happy. 

The  more  yung  ones  in  a  fam 
ily,  the  eazier  they  are  tew  raize. 
One  chicken  alwus  makes  more 
klucking  for  a  hen  than  a  dozen 
duz. 

Blessed  iz  he  who  kan  pocket 
abuse,  and  feel  that  it  iz  no  dis 
grace  tew  be  bit  bi  a  dog. 


A  GRIKUL  TIB  USS. 

i  st.  Skarsity  beets  are  the  hardest  kind  ov  beats  to 
beet ;  their  grate  skarsity  makes  them  beet  all  other  kind 
ov  beats. 


ad  Turnups  should  be  planted  near  the  top  ov  the 
ground,  if  yu  want  them  tew  turn  up  good. 


3d,  Egg  plants  iz  good,  but  eggs  sot  under  a  stiddy 
hen  will  produce  more  chickens  than  they  will  tew  planl 
them. 

4th.  Potatoze  are  gennerally  a  helthy  krop,  but  they 
are  liable  tew  hav  weak  eyes. 


5th.  Cowcumbers  do  the  best  in  a  lot  bi  themselfs ; 
it  aint  best  tew  cumber  up  a  kitchen  gardin  with  cows. 


6th.  Oats  will  gro  on  sum  warm  land,  but  tew  yield 
well  they  hav  got  tew  be  thrasht ;  it  iz  jiss  so  with  beans, 
only  beans  has  got  to  be  poled  fust,  and  thrasht  after 
wards. 


7th.  Rye  duz  the  best  on  a  dry  and  thirsty  sile,  es- 
peshily  old  rye  ;  too  mutch  water  will  drown  out  old  rye. 


8th.  Tud  stools  will  do  well  on  a  wet  earth ;  so  will 
tuds ;  but  woodchucks  must  hav  a  gravelly  sile. 


SUM  WEATHER. 


SINOPSUSS  OV  PROGNOSTIKATED  EVENTS. 

The  byrometer  will  rize  very  sudden  this  morning  at 
Pordunk,  3  foot,  and  fall  the  like  amount  at  Sakramento 
City.  The  diffikulty  in  the  weather  for  the  last  2  days, 
which  haz  predominated  at  Boston  and  around  New  Or 
leans,  waz  owing  tew  the  byrometer  at  Pordunk  being 
took  down  and  sent  tew  the  blacksmith's  shop  for  repairs. 

Clear  weather  haz  existed  at  Goose  kreek,  and  north 
west  ov  Montreal,  with  a  growing  tendency  tew  wind 
gustiness. 


PROBABILITY. 

Ambroziat  weather  will  permeate  all  around  Pordunk 
for  the  next  16  months,  with  rain  and  snow ;  and  all  sorts 
ov  stuff  in  the  ballance  ov  the  United  States  of  America. 

The  probabilitiz  iz  that  the  abuv  probabilitiz  will  assim- 
flate  themselfs  tew  the  principal  probabilitiz  in  the  case. 

If  they  don't,  du  notiss  will  be  giv. 

In  the  mean  time  be  kalm,  be  dignified,  and  don't  be 
skeered. 


JANUARY  MISSCELLANY. 


ARIES,  THE  ZODIAK  HAM. 

Aries  is  a  latin  ram.  He  is  kompozed  ov  wool  all 
over,  and  horns  in  front  How  Aries,  the  ram,  got  into 
the  zodiak  bothers  me  to  this  day,  but  he  probably  jumpt 
in  out  ov  sumboddys  back  lot.  This  is  all  owing  tew  bad 
fences.  Aries  waz  born  soon  after  the  diskovery  ov  this 
world  by  Kaptain  Kook,  the  perambulator.  Since  the 
days  ov  Aries  the  hydrauliK  ram  haz  been  born,  a  very  hard 
ram  tew  fleece.  Aries  haz  the  post  ov  honor  amung  the 
sighns  in  the  zodiak,  and  presides  over  the  head  ov  the 
human  anatomy.  This  iz  a  just  kompliment  tew  hiz  ka- 
pacity  for  putting  a  bed  onto  things.  Aries,  the  ram,  tho 
lie  haz  no  literary  pretenshuns,  haz  made  menny  brilliant 
hits  in  hiz  day. 


TO  MAKE  GOOD  MILK  PUNTCH. 

Take  one  quart  ov  red  cow's  milk. 

Strain  all  the  water  out  ov  the  milk. 

Puntch  the  milk  severely  with  santy  cruize  rum. 

Ramify  it  well  with  white  sugar. 

Koruskate  sum  nutmeg  on  the  brow  ov  it 

Drink  tew  the  Amerikan  Eagle  standing. 

(This  recipee  haz  been  in  the  Billings  family  going  on 
300  years,  and  iz  desighned  for  one  person,  and  always 
bits  the  mark.) 


31  Days. 


JANUARY. 


1873, 


* 


S 


o1 


Joel  Briggf  waz  born  cUrwn  eatt, 
Hiz  hight  wat  6  feet  2, 

Hit  pahterloons  wax -striped. 
And  hitched  beneath  hiz  shu. 


w 


14 

i6 

17 
18 


W 


23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3° 


Diagnosis. 


the  dog 
quaketh  S  &• 
sighns  <rv  thaw  S3 
TO  now  the' 
Jest 

shivereth  /a  G> 
V3  fi  «/<r-f  t  kold  • 
••  now  the  snow 
snoweth  •.•  <f  n 


/<•  raw  D 

now 
the 

crow 

croweth  jSfa  >^ 
^  «>»»</  north  A 

©  jji  now  the 
tamer 

tareth  H 
;;.•  more  snow  ::: 

i  f)  now  the 
flea  fleaeth  tTJJ  Jf 
<.Mder  still"> 

9  now  the 

spark  sparketh  O 

expekt  a  thaw  Q  S 

-t-  Jake  Disbrow  •*- 

J  died  1824.  t 


KODFISH  BAWLS. 


The  intimacys  ov  old  age  seem 
tew  konsist  in  drinking  yung  hi- 
son  tea  together,  and  compareing 
gouts  and  raraatizms. 


One  ov  the  most  reliable  proph 
ets  i  kno  ov,  iz  an  old  "hen,  for  they 
don't  prophecy  enny  egg,  untill 
after  the  egg  haz  happened. 


I  kno  ov  folks  who  are  so 
kondem  kontrary,  that  if  they 
should  fall  into  a  river,  they  would 
want  tew  float  up  stream. 


Politeness  iz  not  only  the  cheap 
est,  but  the  most  powerful  argu 
ment  I  kno  ov. 


Money  well  spent  iz  well  in 
vested. 


FEBUARY  MISSCELLANY. 


TAURUS.  THE  ZODIAK  BULL. 

One  ov  the  best  behaved  animfles  in  the  whole  zodiak 
is  Taurus  the  zodiak  bull  He  is  alwus  laying  down  Sat 
sunning  himself.  He  dont  hav  ennything  tew  employ  hiz 
mind  with  only  in  fli  time.  Fli  time  iz  alwus  a  bizzy  time 
with  Taurus.  The  bull  down  here  nowdaze  iz  a  sour 
headed  old  codger  who  goes  swareing  up  and  down  the 
turnpike  about  sumthing,  but  in  the  daze  ov  Virgil  he  had 
golden  Jiorns,  and  poetry  in  hiz  veins.  Menny  folks  hav 
asked  me  what  on  earth  they  wanted  a  bull  in  the  zodiak 
for,  and  i  hav  always  sed,  it  waz  just  az  necessary  az  tew 
hav  bulls  in1  Wall  street  This  always  seemed  tew  satisfy 
their  questions  prodigiously.  Taurus  governs  the  nek  in 
the  sighns  ov  the  zodiak,  which  haz  giv  rise  to  that  tender, 
and  Idas-sH"*!  sentiment,  called  "  bull  necked." 


PERSONALS. 

Dear  One. — Enklosed  please  find  10  Dollars — if  you 
kan.  RICHARD. 

******* 

Kum  home !  kura  home  i  mi  dear  husband,  i  freely  for- 
giv  yu  for  all  i  hav  did.  BETSEY. 

******* 
Waz  the  lady  In  blue,  who  trod  on  the  gentleman's  toe 
in  gray,  in  the  8th  avenew  kars  last  frida  nite  corned,  or 
waz  it  the  toe  that  waz  corned? — References  exchanged. 

PEDRO. 


28  Days. 


FEBUARY. 


1873. 


J 
£ 

6> 


Joel  Brings  a  pedlar  was, 

A  pe^  -tr  ov  rcnoun^ 
He  delt  in  tin  ware  and  s  itch, 

And  druvfrom  toun  tew  faun. 


13 


16 

17 

18 


W 


23 
24 

25 
26 

27 
28 


M 


W 


Diagnosis. 


TIE  ©  Goose  yokes 
fust  discovered 
1651 

Koldand 
shivery  £ff 
g  9  Jane  Brown 
born  1826  jS  O 

©  Snowfalls 
Miss  Jane  Brown 

waza 

woman's  righter  H 
£>  muck  koldnett 
%  now  pan  out 

slapjax  O 
B3P"&£"  J«0  storm 

Pete  Murdok 
died  932  fi 
very  raw  A  $ 
(\)  Pete  Murdok 

died  ov  a 
broken  harte 


w«r  rain  $fa 

Pete  Murdok  broke 

biz  harte  tricing 

teu  lift  a 
meeting  house  O  * 


KREAM  PUFFS. 


If  i  had  4  fust  rate  dogs  i  would 
name  the  best  ov  them  "  Doubt- 
full,"  and  all  the  other  3  "  Use 
less." 

Take  all  the  phools  and  good 
luk  out  ov  this  world,  and  it  would 
bother  the  rest  ov  us  tew  git  a 
living. 

Thare  iz  az  mutch  difference 
between  wit  and  humor  az  thare 
iz  between  the  ile  and  the  essence 
ov  peppermint. 

Whiskey  friends  are  the  most 
unpro6table  ones  i  kno  ov,  they 
are  alwus  reddy  tew  drink  with 
yu,  but  when  yu  git  reddy  tew 
drink  with  them,  they  aint  dry. 

Ridikule  that  aint  true  haz  no 
partikular  power. 


MARCH  MISSCELLANY* 


CANCER,  THE  ZODIAK  KRAB. 

Cancer  iz  a  hard  sheld  krab,  and  haz  2  sets  ov  leggs, 
which  are  lokated  on  the  starbord  side  ov  their  pussons. 
Cancer  travels  on  hiz  muscle,  and  thare  aint  no  individ 
ual  sighn  in  the  zodiak  ov  hiz  size  kan  whip  him.  I  hav 
studdyed  the  krab  clussly,  and  et  him  sloly,  and  I  dont 
kno  him  yet  Crabs  bight  with  their  feet,  and  hang  on 
like  the  rumatiz.  Biled  krab  is  good  but  a  man  must  eat 
them  bi  the  day,  he  would  starve  to  deth  eating  them  bi 
the  job.  Krabs  are  kaught  bi  lieing  a  knot  onto  the  end 
ov  a  string,  and  dropping  it  down  into  the  water  whare 
the  krab  iz,  and  when  yu  haul  in  the  string,  perhaps  yu 
hav  krab,  and  perhaps  yu  hav  knot  This  iz  the  way  a 
grate  menny  things  in  this  world  are  not  kaught  In  the 
zodiak  Cancer  rules  the  brest  I  should  rather  hay  a  blis 
ter  plaster  in  mi  buzzum  than  a  krab  or  a  cancer.  - ' 


WANTED  BI  A  MIDDLE  AGED  MAN. 

Enny  one  having  a  helthy  goose,  ov  good  moral  karak- 
ter,  will  hear  ov  a  purchaser  by  addressing  Solamart 
Wainscote,  Pordunk  P.  O. 

The  goose  must  be  broke  tew  eat  grass. 

One  that  knoze  how  to  lay  2  eggs  a  day  prefered. 

If  the  goose  should  be  a  leetle  tuff,  no  matter. 

What  we  want  iz  a  smart  goose,  no  kussid  phool  goose 
wanted. 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


1873. 


Once  Aiz  hoss  had  been  a  nag, 
A  trotting  nag  at  that, 

But  now  he  waz  a  felter, 
And  enny  thing  but  phatt. 


13 

M 

is 

16 

17 
18 


W 


23- 
24 
25 
z6 
27 
28 
29 
3° 
3' 


M 


Diagnosis. 


Tooth  piles 

fust  used 

1190  TO  *p  Til 

%  ,£?  JWT*  wind 

SI  James  Gordon 
Bennet  born 

1802  Wfa 

|  Tatn  a«VA  snow 
(22)  Bennet 

is  a 
He 
kold  but  windy 

G\  jji  now 
feel  around  for 
maple  sugar  <?  ^? 
X  wind  alttive  y 
(9  It  now 
lay  in 

early  rumatiz  J^  <5 
S  n  raw  but  kold 
9  Job  was  very 

bill/us  ia  JS  # 

til  ^  r«'«  K  ril 

Sampson  waz  a 

strong  man  §  o  fi 

wind  shifts  some 

~$  If  Sampson's 
strength  didn't  lay 

in  hiz 
karakter  a  O 


KAKE. 


A  phools   money  iz   like    hiz 
branes — very  oneazy. 


Thare  iz  this  difference  between 
a  jest,  and  a  yfc/5* — a  jest  may  be 
kruel,  but  a  joke  never  iz. 


Sins  are  the  only  things  that  i 
repent  ov,  i  never  kould  make 
enny  thing  repenting  ov  blunders. 


Human  knowledge  Iz  not  very 
komprehensiv  after  all, — i  hav 
seen  men  who  kould  kalkulate  an 
eklipse  tew  a  square  inch,  who 
couldn't  cum  within  30  foot  ov 
harnessing  a  hoss. 


Flattery  iz  like  ice  kream,  we 
want  it  a  lectio  at  a  time-,  and 
often. 


APRIL  MISSCELLANY. 


VIRGO.  THE  ZODIAK  VIRGIN. 

One  ov  the  best  preserved  females  ov  the  age  iz  Virgo 
the  Virgin.  She  dont  look  an  hour  older  than  she  did  in 
the  spring  ov  18x8  when  i  fust  saw  her.  Virgo  haz  lite 
blu  eyes  and  yeller  hair,  and  i  should  esteem  her  to 
weigh  about  117  pounds.  Virgo  haz  menny  admirers, 
and  report  sez,  she  haz  had  menny  good  trades  offered 
her  (one  waz  a  duke)  but  tshe  deklines  matrimony.  I 
congratulate  her  spunk.  If  she  haz  got  a  good  lone  hand 
i  like  to  see  her  play  it,  even  if  she  gits  ukered.  I  hope 
Virgo  will  remain  whare  she  iz  for  life,  for  she  iz  the  only 
sighn  in  the  zodiak  that  i  love  tew  witness.  Thare  iz  one 
thing  about  Virgo  that  pleazes  me  wonderful,  and  that  iz, 
when  the  grecian  bend  waz  raging  on  earth,  and  crooking 
most  all  the  other  wimmin,  she  never  bent  a  bit  Halle 
lujah  !  for  Virgo. 


TO  KONTRAKTORS. 

The  widdo  Betsey  Brown  will  receive  proposals  sealed 
at  her  residence  No.  86  Hopvine  St  for  the  next  90  daze. 

Kontraktors  must  state  their  best  offers. 

Diagrams  of  the  widdows  looks  kan  be  had  at  the 
above  No. 

The  widdo  reserves  the  privilege  ov  refusing  all  offers. 

The  highest  Bidder  gits  the  worm. 

Agents  needn't  applikate. 


30  Days. 


APRIL. 


1873. 


'  Tw as  yoels  way  f  stop  hiz  kaft, 
At  every  /tons  and  shop, 

Fust  tew  tell  a  bit  ov  time, 
And  then  propoze  tew  sviop. 


••  S- 
u  S 


w 


14 
15 

16 
17 
18 

19 


VV 


M 


W 


24 

25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3° 


W 


Diagnosis. 


Q  Jgt  Grecian  bend 

revived  1864  O 
slglins  ov  spring  t 
*=  ""  -»"~  the 
cockroach  cometh 
up  like  a  flower  "§? 
©  liquid  rains 

frogs  now 
warble  X  O  53 
5  sweet  winds  ¥ 
now  the  goose 

skreameth  irj 
V5  w/»</  sow  east 
bi  sow  O 
S  now  bury 
onion  seed    ss 
smart  showers 

ovwet  ^ 
Mars  waz 
Juno's  fellow  S  $ 
<a  zwy  warm  A 
O  all  natur 
stands  on  tip  toze 
more  showers  with 
sighns  ov  rain  0 
now  lift  lettiss  S 
%  a  the  pilgrim 

fathers  9 
whare  am  they  ?  © 


SLAP  JAX. 


When  a  man  measures  out  glory 
for  himself  he  alwus  heaps  the 

haff  bushel. 


A  man  may  mistake  hiz  tallent, 
but  he  kant  mistake  hiz  genius. 


It  is  only  a  step  from  cunning 
tew  dishonesty,  but  it  iz  a  step 
that  a  man  iz  liable  at  enny  time 
tew  take. 


Thare  seems  tew  be  a  propriety 
in  all  things — late  experiments  in 
New  York  city  hav  proved  the 
fact,  that  religion  in  a  rat  pit  iz  a 
failure. 


Style  iz  every  thing  for  a  sinner, 
and  a  leetle  ov  it  wont  hurt  a 
saint. 


MA  Y  MISSCELLANY. 


SKORPIO,  THE  ZODIAK  SKORPION. 

Next  to  the  hornet,  the  skorpion  seems  tew  me  to  be 
pretty  mutch  all  ded  loss.  I  never  had  mutch  faith  in 
enny  kind  ov  a  kritter  who  waz  bill  only  tew  bite.  Skor- 
pions  do  the  best  in  a  hot  naberhood.  If  a  man  should 
take  all  the  skorpions  in  the  world  up  into  the  northern 
part  ov  Nu  Hampshire  he  would  loze  money  on  them. 
They  wouldn't  thaw  out  thare  in  time  for  bizzness.  I 
never  hav  seen  a  skorpion  only  in  the  zodiak,  and  i  aint 
sorry  for  this.  If  thare  should  ever  be  a  file  in  the  zodiak 
i  hope  it  will  be  krab  and  skorpion.  This  would  be  a  file 
in  which  no  one  would  care  whitch  whipL  I  kant  tell 
yu  just  now  how  the  skorpion  got  aboard  ov  the  zodiak, 
but  bi  looking  at  hiz  piktur  i  should  say  he  stood  2  good 
chances  tew  do  it,  one  waz  tew  enter  hed  fust,  and  the 
other  waz  to  change  ends  and  go  in  that  way. 


FOUND. 

A  malteese  soprano  kat,  about  12  months  old,  singing 
old  hundred  on  a  picket  fence,  late  last  thtirsda  nite, 
whichever  person  owns  sed  kat  will  find  him  (or  her,  ac 
cording  tew  circumstansis)  in  a  vakant  lot,  just  bak  ov  our 
hous,  still  butiful  in  death. 

ALSO, 

Found  an  old  blew  kotting  unibrel  worth  nothing,  in  place 
ov  a  nu  silk  one  worth  12  dollars  and  fifty  cents,  if  the 
person  who  lost  the  blew  kotting  timbrel  bi  finding  the 
other  one,  hasn't  had  time  enuff  yet  tew  repent  ov  hiz 
blunder,  60  days  longer  will  be  granted  him  tew  weep 
over  the  ackcident. 


it 
40  to 


Wan,  cUnrf  te  afiracU  & 

ay  Tfasfi'j-o&e-sht*!' 
cLo  /£,- 


ctz  *)rwfch-GjLti<ri/nG 


ft  /i 


31  Days. 


» 


MAY. 


1873. 


Joel  would  swop  for  enny  thing. 
Tin  ware  for  rags,  or  brass, 

yews  harps  for  kats,  brooms  for  feats, 
IVood  bowls  for  apple  sass. 


13 


16 


18 


23 
24 
25 
26 

27 
28 
29 
3° 
31 


Diagnosis. 


^  Lap  dogs 
diskoverd  1310  5  <t 
O  O  O  mild  and 
tender  fi  /a 

4  Kaptin  Kidcl 

was  a 

pirate  f  t  t  Q 
plaintive  showers 

5  23  Kaptin  Kidd 
sailed  he  did  [(#)] 

e>  J<2/V  wind  if 
V3  lil  A  now  mux 

in  the 

garden  jfl  nk  «? 
Q  Horace  Greeley 
born  1812  tfi 
wet  rains  £?  Kf 
%  S3  now  prepare 
for  dandylions  iq, 
,P  wind  south  g 
Horace  Greeley 
iz  a  Tribune  ©  O 
1131  nobby  showers 

8  now  sarch 
hens  for  eggs  O  6 
Q  warm  and  pretty 
cip  <£  &*  frogs  have 
come    soft  winds 
j^i  Homer  waz 
quite  a  poet  Jfl  1?  0 


KOLD  SLAU. 


I  don't  kno  az  i  want  to  bet 
enny  money,  and  give  odds,  on 
the  man  who  iz  alwus  anxious  tew 
pra  out  loud  every  chance  he  kan 


A  reputcishun  for  happiness 
wants  az  mutch  looking  into  az 
a  reputashun  for  honesty. 


When  a  man  duz  a  good  turn 
just  for  the  phun  ov  the  thing,  he 
haz  got  a  grate  deal  more  virtew 
in  him  than  he  iz  aware  ov. 


Next  tew  the  man  who  iz  worth 
a  millyun,  in  point  ov  wealth,  iz 
the  man  who  don't  kare  a  kuss 
for  it 

Self-made  men  are  most  alwus 
apt  tew  be  a  leetle  too  proud  ov 
the  job. 


JUNE  MISSCELLANY. 


KAPRIKORNUS,  THE  ZODIAK  GOTE. 

Kaprikornus  the  zodiak  gote  iz  a  sheep  with  hair  on 
him,  and  kan  eat  enny  tiling  he  kan  swallow  if  it  chokes 
him.  They  infest  all  over  kreashun,  but  are  thikker  in 
the  upper  part  of  Nu  York  citty  ackording  tew  popula- 
shun  than  otherwise.  Their  principal  bizzness  is  tew  file, 
and  giv  milk,  they  average  about  a  quart  ov  milk,  and  four 
knokdowns  a  day.  They  kant  klimb  a  greast  pole,  but 
kan  kreep  up  the  side  of  a  rok  az  natral  az  a  wood-bine 
kan.  They  hav  a  krak  in  their  foot,  and  also  one  in  their 
voice,  and  a  mustash  on  their  bottom  lip.  Aries  and 
Kaprikornus  are  the  two  buts  ov  the  zodiak.  In  the  zo 
diak  Kaprikornus  governs  the  kneeze,  and  people  born 
under  this  sighn  are  apt  tew  be  knok  kneed. 


LOST. 

A  bright  bay  poodle  dorg,  5  dollars  reward,  ov  a  warm 
natur,  and  no  questions  asked,  with  one  white  foot  behind, 
will  be  paid  for  hiz  return,  when  he  stole  away,  with  flow 
ing  ears,  or  waz  strayed  by  sumboddy,  answers  tew  Kris- 
topher  Kolumbust,  with  a  brass  colar,  exchange  papers 
pleaze  copy,  and  haz  a  frantik  tale. 


30  Days. 


JUNE. 


1873. 


d1 


His  kart  waz  a  fcaravan, 
Piled  hi  with  every  kind 

Ov  dikker  yu  kould  name, 
Besides  sumthin  hitched  behind. 


13 
14 

15 
16 

17 
18 


W 


23 

24 

25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3° 


W 


M 


Diagnosis. 


^  Now  snatch 

0     cowcumbers 
sighns  ov  hotness  $ 
Q     Mark  Twain 
born  1839  Ut  D 
6»    /«?#<•/•  9 
Mark  iz  a  mello 
*    kuss  ^ 
Til  showers  ov  rain 
Q  money  iz  tite  J 
$  wwrtf  warmer 
Venus  waz  a 
hansum  woman  © 
(D  mutch  wet  Q 

TK  now  dig 
for  strawberrys 
gentle  wetness  Xt 
JS  Job  Potter  died 

1856 

sighns  ov  thunder 
i  Job  Potter  died 
ov  death  ty  ® 

•more  hotly  n 
V3  now  reap 

assparagrass  n 
A  moist 

wetness  0 
expekt 
muskeetoze.    8  9 


KAKES. 


Silence  iz  one  ov  the  lost  arts. 


When  yu  strike  ile  stop  boreing ; 
menny  a  man  haz  bored  klean  thru 
and  let  the  ile  run  out  at  the  bot 
tom. 


Human  happiness  iz  like  Jos 
ephs  coat,  a  thing  of  menny  col 
ours. 


Sin  in  the  soul  iz  like  a  sliwer 
in  the  flesh ;  mortifikashun  iz  the 
natral  way  tew  git  rid  ov  it 


Love  often  changes  coquetry  to 
sense,  and  prudery  to  sillyness. 


JULY  MISSCELLANY. 


PISCES,  THE  ZODIAK  FISHES. 

Pisces  are  the  only  two  fishes  we  hav  enny  account  ov 
who  hav  bin  able  tew  swim  on  land  and  not  tutch  bottom. 
It  iz  now  over  4000  years  since  they  cum  ashore  and  took 
lodgi"«rs  in  the  zodiak.  It  haz  alwus  been  a  fish-bone  ov 
kontenshun  amung  the  natral  philosophers  whether  they 
belong  tew  the  kodfish,  or  the  sucker  family.  I  hav  bin 
asked  mi  opinyun  on  this  topick  a  100  thousand  times, 
but  hav  alwus  maintained  grate  solemnity  on  the  subjekt 
It  is  alwus  mi  way  when  i  dont  kno  nothing  about  enny 
thing,  to  look  learned,  and  smile  wisdum.  Mi  private 
opinyun  iz,  that  pisces  iz  a  pikerel,  or  a  porgy,  or  a  perch, 
and  weighed  originally  about  9  pounds,  but  i  dont  want 
to  bet  on  this.  I  kant  tell  whether  Pisces  would  bite  on 
an  angleworm  or  not,  but  i  think  thare  iz  sum  law  aginst 
fishing  in  private  ponds.  Pisces  iz  a  game  fish,  but  what 
hiz  game  iz  i  dont  kno,  but  probably  hi  lo  Jak,  or  draw 
poker. 


EPITAFF. 

Here  she  lize — the  queen  ov  pize, 
Aunt  Sally  Ann  Von  Blixen, 
Apple,  and  mince,  kustard,  and  quince, 
She  couldn't  be  beat  in  mixen. 


Sakred  this  spot — stir  her  up  not — 
Her  grace  all  lay  in  pi  fixen, 
Better  sa  i — go  without  pi, 
Than  wake  up  this  old  vixen. 


31  Days. 


o 
H 


•«  .c 
£  ~ 
I 
6> 


JULY. 


1873. 


far  50  miles  round  about, 
When  Joel  cum  along, 

The  wiminin  all  tur  ncd  out, 
For  swopping  mity  strong. 


W 


13 
14 

15 

16 

17 

18 

19 


M 


\V 


23 
24 

25 
26 

27 
28 

29 
3° 
3' 


Diagnosis. 


O  O  Kodfish 
balls  invented 
1620  J  /a  9 
<i»  O  sigftns  ov 
heat  ©  £=  V3 
Elizibeth  Spooner 

bora 

1365  1?  ft  rtk 
H  ¥  warm  showers 
Elizibeth  Spooner 
had  the 

meazles  J  S 
%  warm  but  hot  O 
Elizibeth  Spooner 
had  the 
meazles 

very  thick  Q 
£  XX  11  sighns  ov 

thunder  A   O 
t^i  Jl  A  now 
wean  goslins  iji  25 
Jfl  X  it  rains  V3 
Old  dog  Tray 

died  1492  $  )£ 
it],  expekt  litening 

now  butcher 

watermellons  O  V 

O  intense  hot  <a 

JS  Daniel  Webster 

studdid  law  £  Q 


BREAD. 


When  a  man  gits  tew  talking 
about  himself  he  seldum  fails 
tew  be  eloquent,  and  frequently 
reaches  the  sublime. 


The  owl  iz  remarkable  for  two 
things,  gravity  and  stupidity. 


Integrity  in  youth  iz  almost 
certain  tew  bekum  wisdum  and 
honor  in  old  age. 


When  a  man  iz  thoroly  lazy  he 
iz  good  for  nothing,  only  to  shoot 
at. 


Most  people  prefer  the  stuffing 
to  the  goose, — the  word  for  the 
idee. 


AUGUST  MISSCELLANY. 


AQUARIUS,  THE  ZODIAK  WATERMAN. 

Aquarius  duz  the  sprinkling  pot  bizzness  for  the  zodiak. 
He  kan  be  seen  enny  klear  day  up  in  the  zodiak  laying 
the  dust  which  the  other  zodiakers  kik  up.  He  iz  a  quiet 
old  gent  about  5  foot  6,  and  wears  a  wool  hat,  and  a 
bull's  eye  watch.  Who  hiz  ansestors  waz  no  one  kan 
telL  He  iz  an  old  bachelor  now,  but  they  tell  me,  up  in 
the  zodiak,  that  he  alwus  takes  the  most  pains  when  he 
sprinkles  in  front  ov  Virgo.  Thare  iz  a  tradishun  in  Por- 
dunk,  that  Aquarius  was  once  a  tempranse  lekturer,  but 
gitting  too  thin  for  the  bizzness  waz  translated,  and,  sot  to 
sprinkling  in  the  zodiak.  Aquarius  haz  charge  ov  the 
leggs  amung  the  sighns  in  the  zodiak,  and  i  notis  that 
water  iz  better  for  the  legs  than  sum  other  fluids  i  know. 


EDUKASHIONAL. 

CLASS  IN  BOTANY  STAND  UP. 

Teacher.  What  kind  ov  a  bird  iz  a  Heron  ? 

Skoller.  A  herring  iz  a  small  fish,  az  full  ov  bones  az  a 
fine  tooth  comb. 

Teacher.  To  what  genus  duz  the  Kat  belong? 

Skoller.  The  musikal  genius,  they  lay  around  daze,  and 
chant  around  nites. 

Teac/ier.  Which  iz  the  wizest  fowl  ? 

Skoller.  The  owl  sir,  bekause  he  hoots  at  most  things. 

Teacher.  What  kind  ov  fish  are  plentyest  in  market 
during  dog  days  ? 

Skoller.  Smelts  sir. 

Teacher.  Class  in  botany  may  set  down. 


31  Days.                    AUGUST.                            1873. 

is 

i 

8  ^ 

W 

^^^l^^wraS^^  Hv^vKw^^S^l   w 

I 

&-g 

X* 

©  1 

G     41 

£.'''_/  ',  <TV  >*&™    .  OaalEfflWvifll.  c    V  /  if^BoW'&vv'^M  ^*  '  •  s^  t 

E 

s  -3 

W^K^^^^^^^^^^^^i^K^^^w^ 

03  y 

s-   E 
S  2 

Sheep  skins,  goose  yokes,  and  frying  pans, 
Basswood  c/ieeze  from  Cos/ten, 

1 

|  ^ 

Bod  sleds,  brass  rings,  and  bears  He, 

d 

<y  " 

Waz  sum  ov  Joels  nosftuns. 

P 

JL 

J? 

Diagnosis. 

Id  I  LIC  TOAST. 

i 

2 

3 

F 
S 

G 

0  Now  pluck 
peaches  Jjl 
<a  grate  hotness  & 

Suckcess  iz   quite    often    like 
falling  oph  from  a  log,  a  man  kant 

4 

M 

Andy  Johnson  born 

alwus  tell  how  he  kum  to  did  it 

5 

T 

1812* 

6 

W 

%  hot  grows  J 

7 

T 

Andy  waz   a   man 

an 

8 

F 

ov  much 

9 

10 

ii 

12 
13 

S 

G 

M 
T 
W 
T 

policy  ©  $ 
thunder  and  blixen 
#  now  bull  frogs 
rejoice         ©  wind 
south  SI  Q 

Most  enny  boddy  thinks 
kan  be  a  good  phool,  and 
kan,  but  to  play  the  phool 
cessfully,  aint  so  natral. 

they 
they 

SUO 

1C 

F 

Q  H  hot  grows 

J 

16 

S 

bigger  ft 

C-, 

17 

G 

Julia  Pragg  born 

18 

M 

ii  1830  © 

19 

T 

0  wind  shifty 

I  wouldn't  undertake  tew 

kor- 

20 

W 

Julia   waz  a  laun 

rekt  a  man's  sektarian  views  enny 

21 

T 

dress          XX  8  hot 

quicker   than  i  would    tell 

him 

22 

•F. 

s 

wind 
Q  now  the  duk 

which  road  tew  take  at  a  4 

cor- 

23 
24. 

G 

quaketh=j  ^ 

ners,   when  i  didn't    kno  miself 

25 

M 

O  much  hotly  y£ 

which  waz  the  right  one. 

26 

T 

d  behold  the 

27 

W 

<5  grasshopper  I? 

28 

T 

$  sum  lightning 

29 

F 

ft  love 

3° 

S 

lies 

The  truly  great  are  alwus  the 

31 

G 

bleeding  1?  IJI 

eazyest  tew  approach. 

SEPTEMBER  MISSCELLANY. 


SAGITTARIUS,  THE  ZODIAK  BOMAN. 

Sagittarius  iz  the  William  Tell  ov  the  zodiak.  He  kan 
hit  an  apple  on  the  top  ov  Virgo's  lied  200  paces  oph,  and 
not  only  halve  the  apple  into  quarters,  but  knok  the  seeds 
27  different  dtrekshuns.  "He  wins  the  cigars  at  all  the 
target  excursions  in  the  zodiak.  In  shooting  at  a  mus- 
keeter  once  who  had  lighted  onto  the  tail  ov  Leo,  he 
aimed  a  leetle  too  delikate,  and  dekapitated  the  dorsal 
extenshun  ov  Leo.  This  waz  looked  upon  bi  all  the 
other  phellows  in  the  zodiak  az  a  supplementary  shot. 
Leo  waz  laid  up  in  the  horsepittol  for  6  months,  but  hiz 
codicil  gru  out  about  2  foot  more  than  it  waz  before. 
Sagittarius  iz  the  comik  genius  ov  the  zodiak,  and  on 
fourth  of  Julys  shutes  pennys  oph  from  a  stik,  injun  fash 
ion.  In  the  zodiak  sighns  Sagittarius  oversees  the  thighs, 
but  for  what  I  dont  seem  tew  kno. 


FOR  TMMEJIATE  ADOPSHUN. 

A  mail  child,  Eleven  months  old,  well  broke  tew  the 
bottle,  9  teeth  kut,  lite  sunset  hair,  without  spot  or  blem 
ish,  no  parents  ov  enny  ackount,  hard  tew  kry,  dont  bite, 
shows  sighns  ov  genius,  and  haz  had  wackshination. 

Enquire  within. 


0V-  CL  £u/£  oLoQ 

At*     (R4SY^     -     -*-    ' 

tfro  fctcvit', 


30  Days. 


SEPTEMBER. 


1873. 


S 


When  pilfer  knives  went  oph  slo, 
Joel  waz  a  tunning  kuss, 

He  could  just  turn  to  and  swop 
An  old  hoss  dredful  cluss. 


•4 

Us 

16 

i7 
18 


M 


W 


23 

24 
25 
26 

27 
28 
29 
3° 


M 


Diagnosis. 


*  It  iz  fall 
S  f  warm  but  ten 
der 
J  now  the   leaves 

fall 

Jj$  btitiful  weather 
9  Sam  Jones 
born  1900  Y3o* 
5  TTl  mild  but 

lovely 
O  Sam  Jones 

was  a 

clam  hunter  g  If 

ty    T  warm  rains 

<a  now  the 

hog 

rooteth  g 
T smoky  weather^ 

now  the 

Jackass  warbleth  O 
O  (S  sighns  ov 

frost 
5    O  now 
the  hen  clucketh  x 
S    O  /V  wants  tew 

rain 
Galen  was 

a 
doktor.  <5  n  0 


STEWED  PRUNES. 


After  a  man  haz  got  a  fust  rate 
opinyun  ov  himself  the  next  best 
thing  tew  hav  iz  the  good  opinyun 
ov  others. 


Heaven  iz  ever  kind  tew  us,  she 
puts  our  humps  on  our  backs  so 
that  we  kant  see  them. 


Wise  men  hav  but  fu  confidents, 
and  cunning  men,  none. 


I  think  i  am  about  right  when  i 
say,  that  all  things  which  do  not 
korrupt  are  innocent. 


Be  yee  humble  before  God, — 
but  resolute  before  men. 


OCTOBER  MISSCELLANY. 


LIBRA.  THE  ZODIAK  SKALES. 

Sixteen  ounces  to  the  pound  wrongs  no  man.  I  dont 
want  enny  better  evidence  that  things  are  strikly  on  the 
square  in  the  zodiak  than  the  fakt,  that  they  keep  a  pair 
ov  skales  up  thare,  and  they  are  alwus  level.  Thare  iz  a 
grate  deal  ov  native  honesty  in  a  pair  of  skales.  When  i 
begun  life,  i  looked  upon  every  boddy  az  honest  az  a  pair 
ov  skales,  but  the  skales  hav  dropt  oph  from  my  eyes  since, 
and  i  begin  tew  look  upon  things  more  az  they  am.  I 
look  upon  every  man  now  az  strikly  honest,  who  kan 
prove  it.  I  want  honesty  weighed  out  to  me  just  az  i  do 
mi  sassage,  16  ounces  tew  the  pound.  Honesty  that 
lacks  an  ounce  in  every  pound  aint  worth  a  kuss.  The 
ounce  that  iz  lacking  iz  just  what  beats  us.  In  the  zodiak 
concern  Libra  holds  the  reins  over  the  anitomikal  hoss. 


THINGS  THAT  KAN  BE  DID. 

One  ov  the  smartest  things  a  man  kan  do,  iz  to  drink 
peper  sass. 

One  ov  the  safest  things  a  man  kan  do,  iz  to  ride  a 
saw  boss. 

One  ov  the  surest  things  a  man  kan  do,  iz  tew  slip  up 
on  the  ice. 

One  ov  the  lazyest  things  a  man  kan  do,  iz  tew  eat 
soup  with  a  fork. 

One  ov  the  longest  things  a  man  kan  do,  iz  to  long  for 
perfekt  happiness. 

One  ov  the  handyest  things  a  man  kan  do,  is  to  giv  hiz 
note  for  90  daze. 


31  Days. 


3 

1  « 
£  © 

<*  cs 

•H 

3 

> 

7 


OCTOBER. 


1873. 


"is  the  fate  ov  tunning  men, 
Of  (times  tew  pla,  thefule, 
So  with  Joel  when  he  swopt 
Horses  for  a  balky  mult. 


a 


073  K' 
§ 

X 


§    8- 


w 


II 
12 
13 
14 
15 
16 


.18 

*9 

20 

21 

22 
23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 

3° 
31 


Diagnosis. 


A  9  Whiskey 
invented  1612 

g  frosty  SI  A 
whiskey  iz 
very  proud' 

spirited  0  If  <*> 
5  sharp  frost  4 

©  £,  f  now 
shuv  checkers  O  O 
TTJl  snow  flurrys 
•$•  Col  Peapod 
born  1503  ifr  ^  >k 
Col  Peapod 
waz  a 

Korporal  ^95 
IP  O  wind  sharp 
11[  Q  now 

lay  in 

yure  winter 
kats  n  $    4  /a  D 

I  i   ««•«   I  I 

f  Kats  are  a 
kumfert  O     Tf  cool 
&•  ^9  frogs  quiet 
4  wind  nor t A  If 

©  cider  hdz 

cum  JS      *'  rains 

Diogonese  lived  in 

a  barrell  TTJ,  O  now 

chonk  apples  1? 


HAIST1  PUDDIN. 


Thare  aint  nothing  that  iz  a 
sure  kure  for  lazyness,  but  i  hav 
known  a  seckond  wife  tew  hurry 
it  sum. 


It  iz  the  suprizes  ov  life  after 
all  that  give  it  its  zest, — even  a 
rat  makes  things  interesting  bi 
the  natral  suddenness  with  which 
he  cums  out,  or  goes  into  hiz 
hole. 


Real  good  lies  are  gitting  skarse. 


The  greatest  problem  ever  given 
tew  man  to  solve,  and  the  one 
which  he  haz  made  the  least  pro 
gress  in,  iz  "know  thyself" 


NOVEMBER  MISSCELLANY, 

LEO.  THE  ZODIAK  LION. 

Leo  iz  the  only  real  lion  that  haz  been  allowed  tew  run 
around  loose  amung  folks.  Thus  far  he  haz  abstained 
from  human  flesh.  Thare  iz  a  report  in  the  zodiak  that 
he  and  Taurus  had  sum  words  about  15  thousand  years 
ago,  but  i  kant  git  hold  ov  the  fakts  in  the  case.  Leo 
waz  born  in  the  smart  little  village  ov  Numidia  in  the 
state  of  Africa,  ov  unknown  parents,  and  iz  now  260 
thousand  years  old.  Leo  will  probably  end  hiz  days  in 
the  zodiak,  and  i  hav  looked  at  Leo's  piktur  in  the  zodiak 
gallery  and  dont  hesitate  tew  rekomend  him  az  a  good  job 
for  all  in  search  ov  a  disinterested  lion.  The  lion  iz  like 
an  auckshioneer  in  one  respekt,  hiz  grate  strength  lays  in 
hiz  jaw.  In  the  sighns  ov  the  zodiak  Leo  akts  on  the 
heart,  and  this  ackounts  for  the  human  heart  being  so 
tuft  Next  to  the  gizzard,  the  heart  iz  the  tuffest  piece  ov 
meat  in  the  whole  human  kritter. 

EXAMININ  A  PORDUNK   VALLEY  RALE 
RODE  KONDUKTOR. 

President,  Have  yu  a  gold  kronometer  worth  300  dol 
lars? 

Konduktor.  Not  mutch ! 

President.  Do  yu  keep  a  trotter? 

Konduktor^.  Not  enny ! 

President.  Hav  yu  enny  dimond  rings  ? 

Konduktor.  Nary  I 

President.  Do  yu  own  a  fiteing  dog  ? 

Konduktor.  Nothing  ov  the  sort ! 

President.  How  much  bank  stock  have  yu  got  ? 

Konduktor.  Not  a  red  1 

President.  We  shant  want  yu, — the  Pordunk  valley 
rale  rode  haz  got  done  furnishing  konduktors  with  these 
things. 


30  Days. 

NOVEMBER.                        1873. 

O    fu 

-,C\)A.                    ^£r      =•> 

•V     S 

M 

—  1|1                                          X^^^i?*             "' 

§l 

g    „ 

111 

I 

l|     JJ^^^^^^T      ll 

x*\si! 

M 

-/O 

/IA"/""'-    &)'&                i'l* 
'x-—       fr<r'  iVLm              S  °* 

$£ 

7Zi= 

^v 

I"* 

He  sold  the  mule  for  3  dollars'                                &,  jr 

* 

forth  ov  honey  in  the  comb,                                «  •« 

|   -£f                    Tlien  got  himself  between  the  shafts,                     53  g 

0»  * 

./<»</  lutuld  t/te  waggin  home. 

e 

fi 

Dia 

gnosis. 

Z^J/  CHOPS. 

I 

2 

S 

G 

2  ^  now 
ketch  kold  0    O   © 

Whenever  yu  see  a  dokter  who 

3 

M 

,2?  raw  £w/  J0z/r 

alwus  travels  on  the  run,  yu  kan 

4 

T 

y£  dough  nuts 

bet  he  iz  out  ov  a  job. 

fi 

W 
T 

fonnd  1590  Ttl  2  \3 

X  mart 

«r  v 

7 

F 

vinegar  invented 

8 
9 

10 

ii 

12 

S 
G 
M 
T 
W 
T 

1262  O  4  K  a 
ft  wwr  inkreases 
^  <a  A  lemons 
had  856  SS  V3  .wwr 
enujf  ^  n  tf  6 

It  iz  a  grate  deal  eazier  tew  be 
a  philosopher  after  a  man  haz  had 
hiz  dinner,  than  it  iz  when  he  dont 
kno  whare  he  iz  a  going  tew  git  it 

14 

F 

j^ti  Lazarus 

»S 

S 

waz 

—  <os 

16 
17 

G 

M 

poor  man  1?  IJl  iti 

Wit  without  wisdum  iz  like  a 

18 

T 

®  O  sighni  ov 

song  without  sense,  it  dont  pleaze 

19 

w 

snow  A  0 

hash 

long. 

20 

T 

fust  mixt  1645  SI 

21 

F 

kold  wetness  If 

22 

23 

24 

S 
G 
M 
T 

Q  ft.  a  g  now  fri 
sassage  $  ^     kolder 
HI,  t  thanksgiving 
threatens  8  ft 

I  dont  bet  on  prekoshus  chil 
dren,  the  huckelberry  that  ripens 
the  soonest  iz  alwus  the  fust  tew 

26 

W 

rain  and  sleet  TK  £? 

dekay. 

27 

T 

ea  9  be  wise 

CO)  

28 

F 

and  yu 

29 

S 

will  know 

The  bulk  ov  mankind  are  mere 

3° 

G 

sumthing  V3  6*  2 

imitators  ov  poor  originals. 

DECEMBER  MISSCELLANY. 


GEMINI,  THE  ZODIAK  TWINS. 

I  have  asked  several  literary  people  if  they  would  tell 
ine  whoze  two  children  the  Gemini  waz,  but  they  all  shook 
their  heds,  and  begun  tew  whisselL  Maybe  they  thought 
i  waz  a  kondem  phooL  I  would  just  like  tew  know  all 
about  this.  Thare  iz  2  things  in  this  life  for  which  we  are 
never  fully  prepared,  and  them  iz  twins.  The  zodiak 
twins  are  a  kupple  ov  nice  little  phellows,  if  their  piktur 
aint  mistaken  on  the  subjekL  I  never  hav  saw  them 
only  in  their  pikturs.  Twins  are  two  very  interesting 
acksidents  tew  happen  in  sumboddy  elses  family,  but  one 
twin  at  A  time  suits  me  the  most.  In  the  zodiak  sighns, 
the  Gemini  akt  on  the  arms.  I  have  alwus  noticed  that 
when  a  person  haz  twins  the  sighns  are  in  the  arms. 


CLASS  IN  METAPHISICKS  STAND   UP, 

Teacher.  Which  iz  the  most  stubborist  animile  ? 

Skoller.  The  klarn,  he  wont  budge  a  bit  1 

Teacher.  Who  iz  the  most  open  gaited  animile  ? 

Skoller.  The  swine,  he  kan  open  enny  kind  ov  a  gate  ! 

Teacher.  Which  iz  the  most  sure  footedest  animile  ? 

Shatter.  The  mewel,  he  kan  hit  a  man  twice  in  a  seck- 
ond  10  foot  oph. 

TeacJier.  Who  iz  the  most  foolishest  animile  ? 

Skoller.  The  goose,  he  dont  kno  enuff  to  go  in  when 
it  rains. 

Teacher.  Class  in  metaphisicks  may  set  down. 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


1873. 


2  a 
P  8 
I  « 

d» 


///z  W//V  f  GW  W«vr  /i<rr^  ztw*/  cz//  tew  push, 

And  learn  whi  this  waz  sutch, 
Joel  draft  a  tear,  and  sed, 

"Hannah  I  fve  swopt  once  tew  mutch." 


is 

i(S 

17 
1 8 

*9 


24 


27 


29 
3° 
31 


M 


W 


Diagnosis. 


X  The  fust 

flea  kaught 
1210  if  T  S3 

©  Wtfw  &>/</3 
^  O  the  flea 
got  away  2  O  © 
9  »V  snows  v    now 
assasinate  hogs  f  f 
^  Rachel  Blood- 
good  born  1813 
Q  0  //*#  ^o/if  iz 
kold  &  H  f  S  HI 
?»«  "?T  Rachel 

waz  a 

spinster  TH,  O  % 
A  £?  bolder  i  J}1 
S  Rachel 
spun  yarns  8  S 
<5  ice  2  foot  thick 
on  tiie  level  T  9  5 
swnwhat  kolder 
a  O  8  5  now 

attak  buk  wheat 
kakes  5  iS  23  Q 
\  awful  kold  |^J 

lemonade 
Jiskoverd  1306   If 
Qexpekt  SIIO-M  3.^3 

V3  Good-bye      ° 


BROOK  TROUT. 


The  principal  importanse  ov  a 
mistery  iz  the  mistery  itself, — 
what  makes  a  ghost  so  respeckt- 
able  a  karakter  iz,  that  noboddy 
ever  saw  one. 


Affektashun  alwus  looks  well  in 
a  monkey. 


Tricing  to  define  love,  iz  like 
trieing  tew  tell  how  yu  kum  tew 
brake  thru  the  ice, — all  yu  know 
about  it  iz,  yu  fell  in  and  got 
ducked. 


A  wize  man  never  enjoys  him 
self  so  mutch,  nor  a  phool  so 
little,  az  when  alone. 


SIGHNS  AND  WONDERS  FOR   THE 
YEAR  1874. 

Whenever  yu  see  a  yung  man  hanging  around  a  korner 
grosery,  and  drinking  3  cent  gin  every  time  he  kan  git 
enny  boddy  tew  ask  him,  yu  kan  make  up  yure  mind 
that  he  haz  bin  unanimously  nominated  for  the  stait 
prizon,  and  will  probably  git  his  elekshun. 


Whenever  yu  see  an  old  goose  setting  on  a  post  hole, 
and  tricing  tew  hatch  the  hole  out,  yu  kan  cum  tew  the 
konklushun  that  she  is  strikly  a  one  idee  goose. 


Whenever  a  forlorn  kat  gits  under  yure  windo,  in  a  hot 
nite,  and  begins  tew  holler,  yu  may  kno  that  kat  wants 

Eumthing, — killing,  probberbly. 


Whenever  yu  see  a  dog  stop  suddintly,  in  the  road, 
with  a  flee  onto  him,  and  begin  tew  flea  round,  and  round, 
after  himself,  untill  he  falls  down,  and  rools  over,  yu  will 
say  tew  yureself,  that  dorg  iz  like  the  wicked,  he  fleas, 
when  no  man  perseweth. 


OIL  OF  KONSOLASHUN. 

The  "  Josh  Billings  Allminaz  "  iz  one  ov  oar  tex  books, 
at  the  Pordunk  Feminine  Institoot 

Afrs.  Charity  S&dmore,  A.M. 


Medisin  Book— Ugh ! ! 

Spotted  tail,  Chief  ov  the  Pawnees. 


Full  ov  thought,  full  ov  pathos,  full  ov  phun. 

John  Brace,  L.L.D. 


It's  a  big  thing,  bi  Jupiter. 

Bitty  Murdok. 


How  spontaneous  1    How  pathetic  I    How  preponder 
ating  !    How ! — How  are  yu  Josh ! 

Doktor  Blake. 


Oh  yu  pesky  thing,  Josh !  yu  are  too  killing. 

Sally  Ann  Sprauge. 


ADAM  BILLINGS. 

HIZ  MEMORANDUM. 

Adam  Billings  waz  the  fust  ov  the  Billingses.  He  waz 
verry  phatt  Little  did  he  dream  ov  the  glorious  krop 
that  waz  a  going  tew  spring  up  from  hiz  sowing.  He  waz 
born,  az  near  as  i  kan  figger,  about  the  year  1200,  more 
or  less.  Hiz  temper  iz  represented  az  being  az  even  az 
the  figger  a.  Hiz  habits  were  az  pure  az  the  mountain 
dew ;  he  never  drinkt  enny  spiritous  rum,  nor  root  eleva 
tors.  He  went  barefutt  untill  hiz  32d  year,  and  ever 
afterwards  luved  the  naked  futt.  He  waz  a  good  danser, 
and  realized  thoze  blessed  old  shake  downs,  now  gone 
and  fled.  He  waz  named  after  the  original  Adam,  and 
iz  sed,  bi  them  who  remember  them  both,  tew  resembel 
him  mutch  in  the  kast  ov  hiz  face.  He  waz  too  fond  ov 
the  marvelous,  he  wouldn't  tell  a  lie  exackly,  but  he  could 
cum  az  near  tew  it,  az  r  swallo  kan  to  a  frog's  noze,  when 
they  skim  a  mud  puddle.  Adam  Billings  iz  now  ded,  i 
beleave,  but  if  he  aint,  and  this  should  meet  hiz  eye,  he 
kant,  i  think,  but  admire  the  square  manner  in  which  his 
luvely  relik  haz  handled  his  case.  Adam  Billings  didn't 
leave  much  reputashun  behind  him,  but  what  he  did 
leave,  is  fair  tew  middling.  We  nee'r  shall  see  him 
more.  Probably  not.  Too  true.  Rather  melankolly 
than  otherwise. 


MORAL. 

Thare  iz  naut  so  hard  for  grief  tew  handle, 
Az  the  man  whoze  ribs  are  phatt 's  a  kandle. 


Sect  MA  Acwoutsr  QV*  && 


CL 


/ 


31  Days. 


JANUARY. 


1874. 


SCHOQVr 


/»  Par  dunk  town  thare  lived  a  man, 
A  man  ov  small  posseshion, 

Hezekiah  Birch  waz  hiz  name, 
A  teacher  biprofeshun. 


t   O 


14 

IS 
1 6 

I? 

18 


W 


\V 


23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
30 
3* 


Kronollogy. 


t  Q  Now  hold 
weather  1(  ^ 
TIE   haz  froze    Jjl 
£  r<s>    the  tender 
bull  frog    <&*  ^j  rji 
Q    up  solid 
3  ©  H  and  the 
melodious  goose 

iz  hush        t& 
$         in  stillness 
•  O     and  the 

old  she  kat       $ 
O   dreams  beneath 

the        a  $ 
cook  stove     X  and 

£  the  luscious 

slapjax  smokes  7 

S   on  the  table    ft 

,£?  *  $   and  the 

Widow  Stebbms' 

$1        wood  pile 
grows  less        9 

every  day 
TH,  ©  n    and  the 
rore  that    yt  flt 
V3     all  are  praizing 
iz  not  the        5p( 
roae  for       =  <SO  fi 
me  C^~  or  enny 
other  man  1  !  1  © 


KINDLING   WOOD. 


Snobs  are  alwus  toadys. 


Diogoneze  hunted  in  the  da 
time  for  an  honest  man,  with  a 
lantern ;  if  he  had  lived  in  theze 
times,  he  would  hav  needed  the 
hed  lite  ov  a  lokomotiff. 


A  pedant  iz  like  a  yung  rooster, 
he  crows  in  season,  and  out  ov 
season. 


Thare  iz  no  kure  for  vanity, 
gitting  thoroly  wet  cums  the  near 
est  to  it,  for  the  time  being. 


ZEPHENIAH  BILLINGS. 

HIZ    MEMORANDUM. 

Zepheniah  Billings  waz  a  phiddler  bi  birth  and  pur- 
swashun.  He  also  had  another  natral  gift,  and  that  waz 
tew  owe  everyboddy.  Late  in  life  he  quit  phiddling,  and 
took  up  shumaking ;  but  the  world  lost  a  good  phidler  bi 
the  operashun,  and  got  a  kussid  poor  shumaker.  Oh ! 
'tis  ever  thus.  At  hiz  final  deth  he  owed  upwards  ov  70 
dollars,  and  hiz  leavings  konsisted  ov  one  old  phiddle, 
and  a  pint  ov  bass  wood  shupegs.  He  would  travel  on 
foot  7  miles  tew  a  kuntry  tavern,  and  phiddle  all  nite  at 
a  kuntry  bawl  for  75  cents,  and  owe  the  landlord  two 
dollars  and  a  half  nex  morning  for  vittles  and  drink. 
Zeph'  was  an  unprofitable  man  to  know,  for  he  couldn't 
tend  an  evening  meeting,  on  Sunday,  without  running 
into  det  to  sumboddy.  It  waz  sed  ov  him,  that  he  waz 
never  known  tew  shed  a  tear  or  pa  a  det  He  died 
finally,  and  i  presume  he  was  saved;  but  he  may  hav  bin 
lost,  for  accidents  will  happen  in  the  uppermost  familys. 
He  had  a  cool  hed,  and  a  warm  harte.  Bless  Zepheniah 
Billings,  he  was  a  ripe  skollar  on  the  phiddle,  and  could 
pla  "  Tare  her  down  Sal"  and  sich  dear  old  sweet- 
savoured  things,  klean  up  tew  perfekshun.  He  haz  gone 
now,  allass !  allass !  but  i  am  prepared  tew  say,  in  the 
language  ov  another,  "  Bully  for  yu,  Zepheniah  1 "  All 
flesh  iz  grass.  So  iv*e  bin  told.  Funny.  Mutch. 


MORAL. 

To  kure  the  fidgits  and  calm  the  bile, 
The  phiddle  iz  like  kastor  fle. 


28  Days. 


FEBRUARY. 


1874. 


6> 


For  twenty  long  and  weary  yean, 
He  meekly  war kt  for  others  good, 

And  well  he  taught  the  distrik  skoal. 
Boar  din  round  the  naborhood. 


w 


13 
14 

is 

16 


18 


23 

24 
25 
26 

27 
28 


W 


Kronollogy. 


Now  marry  ffi  now 

thrash  oats  §  now 

¥     puntch  fires  If 

now  ketch  rats  zz 

if  now  eat      X 

fV«    hash  TT2 
X(  now 

^    grease  boots    t 
.'.'  Q    nowpla 
3S   checkers  T  now 
sing  sams    J?!  O  $ 
A  O  now  chew 
gum  ]§|  O  now 
[§§]   kurl  hair  (!) 

now  mux      5 
8    sassage  S  now 
5        jerk  wood 
now  kil  duks    8 

(tt)  «>ow 

kil  time   [f]  S  new 
f%*     swop  hens 
A  S3  *  O      now 
yoke  steers    £ 
now  tell        ffi  1? 

5  yarns — now 
sighn  the  pledge  [?] 
O  now  go  to  bed  Q 


PLUM  PITS. 


Human  natur  iz  like  cow  natur, 
i  hav  known  them  both  tew  giv  a 
good  mess  ov  milk,  and  then  kik 
it  over. 


I  luv  a  phool,  what  little  i  kno 
i  hav  lamt  by  hanging  around 
them. 


Munny  makes  munny.  We  all 
ov  us  take  our  kom  to  the  ritch 
miller  tew  hav  it  ground. 


Thare  iz  two  kinds  ov  wize  peo 
ple  in  this  world,  the  wize  and  the 


JEHOSSAPHATT  BILLINGS. 

HIS    MEMORANDUM, 

Jehossiphat  Billings  waz  a  very  kluss  man  ;  he  never 
waz  known  tew  waste  ennything,  by  giving  it  away.  The 
grate  extravaganse  ov  hiz  life,  and  the  one  he  never  for 
got  tew  speak  ov,  waz  giving  3  dollars  towards  bilding 
the  Pordunk  meetin  hous.  After  he  giv  the  munny,  he 
took  such  a  deep  interest  in  the  work  on  the  metin  house, 
that  the  kommitty  waz  obliged  tew  giv  him  bak  the  mun 
ny  to  git  shut  ov  him.  He  swore  he'd  sue  them  for  the 
interest  on  the  munny,  but  he  never  did.  Jehoss'  Bil 
lings  waz  one  ov  them  kind  ov  men  who  mistake  avarice 
for  ekonemy.  He  died  at  the  age  of  63,  if  i  hav  sarched 
right,  from  an  overdose  ov  klam  chowder  drank  at  a  free 
lunch.  Jehossiphatt  Billings  had  his  phailings,  but  rek- 
less  extravaganse  want  amung  the  lot,  he  also  had  his  vir- 
teus,  but  blind  and  irrepressible  generosity  want  among 
this  lot  neither.  He  waz  buried,  without  eny  fuss,  in 
the  year  1286.  What 'has  bekum  ov  him  I  kant  state. 
Sleep  on,  Jehossiphat,  in  thi  slumbers.  I  would  like  tew 
say  sum  more  about  Jehoss',  but  i  kant  without  telling  the 
truth.  Truth  iz  sumtimes  like  a  hot  pertato,  the  only 
way  tew  handle  it  eazy,  is  tew  drop  it  I  will  dri  up 
here.  The  end.  Hush !  Lay  low. 


MORAL. 

The  klussest  man  i  ever  knu, 
Waz  Deakon  Erastus  Meggs, 

Tew  save  expense,  he  oft  would  sett, 
Hiz  pullets  on  spile-ed  eggs. 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


sawed  the  wood  and  bill  the  fires, 
And  while  the  boys  were  playing, 
Hurried,  and  swept  the  skool  /tous  out, 
And  dun  a  lilt  If  fraying. 


1874,. 

> 


•1 


M 


W 


13 

14 


16 


18 


M 


\V 


23 

24 
25 
26 

27 
28 

29 
30 
3* 


Kronollogy. 


rtfc,  S5  Tell  me 
yee  vi-hispring 
winds   o   when   © 
ty  TO  TH,  hens 
V    will  lay     <s> 

and 

^     what  will  )(^ 
be  next    T  ~  Q- 

®  If   spring 
the  price         t  9 

ov  hay    HI 
©  K  «T        and 
tell  me  if    2s  J  n 
IjJ   sf:      yu  kan 

whare  i  will  y/( 
f  5  find  an  honest 
man  £  «  and  O 
©  also  tell  me  g- 

6  whare  all 
$  Q  9  the  modest 
wimmin  are  lit  rii  5 
1  tell  me    t    6 

jji  theze  things 
and  tell  me    2  f 

£7  true   £  and 
TJ   whispring 
winds    )5(  o  © 

ni  H     i'llbe    « 
IH,  mutch  obliged 
2s         to  yu        A 


SNAPPIN  TURKLES. 


Humility  iz  cup  bearer  to  wis- 
dum. 


Thare  iz  plenty  ov  pholks  in 
this  world  whoze  hartes  bleed  for 
the  poor,  but  whoze  pocket-books 
never  do. 


The  man  who  iz  willing  tew 
help  everyboddy  (i  am  sorry  to 
say  this),  iz  willing  tew  be  cheated 
by  everyboddy. 


If  i  kan  set  the  fashions  for  a 
people,  i  dont  kare  who  makes 
their  laws. 


MELKISIDEK  BILLINGS. 

HIZ  MEMORANDUM. 

Melkisidek  Billings  waz  a  dandy  ov  the  old  skool,  and 
also  a  lover.  He  loved  the  whole  entire  femail  popula- 
shun.  He  parted  hiz  hare  in  the  middle,  and  did  it  un- 
kommon  even.  He  had  one  grate  weakness  which  grew 
on  him,  and  that  waz  the  length  ov  hiz  little  fmger-nale. 
Historians  say  that  this  finger-nale  gru  tew  be  a  yard  in 
length,  but  it  strikes  me  that  this  must  be  a  profound  lie. 
He  waz  a  very  punktillious  man,  in  hiz  every-day  wear, 
and  drest  chuck  up  tew  the  fashun.  Melkisidek  hadn't 
mutch  branes,  but  he  didn't  need  much,  for  hiz  bizzness 
thru  life  waz  the  lover  bizzness.  Just  before  he  died 
he  marrid,  and  left  one  dauter,  a  sentimental  offspring, 
who  afterwards  run  away,  at  the  age  ov  16,  with  a  dan- 
sing  master.  Mel'  Billings  waz  ov  the  nuter  jender,  he 
hadn't  karakter  enuff  to  do  enny  hurt,  and  ov  kourse 
kouldn't  do  enny  good.  He  died  about  the  right  time, 
anno  dominoze,  1695,  and  waz  buried  comfortably  in  the 
grave  yard,  at  lower  Pordunk  town.  Melkisidek  Billings 
waz  mi  ansesstor,  and  that  waz  kind  in  him.  He  had  an 
epitaff  on  hiz  stone  which  i  dont  rekolekt  ov  ever  seeing 
in  print  before,  and  for  the  benefit  ov  those  who  studdy 
theze  memorandums  i  will  translate  it  "  An  honest  man 
iz  the  noblest  work  ov  God."  Good,  aint  it  ?  Rather  1 


MORAL. 

Dandys  are  a  harmless  crew, 
Ov  the  butterfly  purswashun; 

Happy  with  a  nektie  new, 

Hero's  ov  sum  small  ockashun. 


30  Days. 


APRIL. 


1874. 


•'I 


In  this  big,  but  pekuliar  world. 
Not  a  friend  had  Hezekiah, 

The  boys  put  pins  into  hiz  chair. 
And  water  in  hiz  hair  diah. 


14 
IS 
16 

17 
18 

19 

20 


23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 

3° 


Kronollogy. 


Hark  ®  the 
violet  cums     —  ~ 
on  tip  toze       ~ 

V3    and  the 
yello  dandy    Q    IJl 
<a  %     lion  gilds 
the  sod   0   and 

krickets  kraul  © 
5?  TO  &.     from  out 
their  holes  O  O 
Q     and  loafers 
seek  the  sun  O  S 

rt    and  dogs 
A    0        tree  kats 
and  frogs  begin 
1?    tew  jabber    S 
ITU  (9   and  tinkers 
tramp  zy  and 
April  phool  T  t  r*i 

a      grins  at 
every  corner  23  0 
1?  as  and  —  hark 
from  the  tombs  t 
•  Q  a  doleful 

•  [!!]  sound 
<f  mine  ears  $ 
attend  4  ^  H 

S   the  cry  C\  r«S> 
and  so  forth  &  A 


QUALE  ON  TOAST. 


Sum  pholks  are  like  kats,  so 
well  ballanced  that  they  alwuss 
strike  on  their  feet  when  they 
fall. 


Lovers  are  alwuss  defineing 
their  extacys,  but  they  are  in  no 
better  condishun  tew  do  it,  than 
a  drunken  man  iz  tew  deliver  a 
tempranse  lektur. 


Silence  iz  alwus  safe. 


False  praze  iz  the  wust  kind  ov 

slander. 


SOLOMAN  BILLINGS. 

HIZ    MEMORANDUM. 

Soloman  Billings  waz  bom  the  26th  ov  May,  1322,  old 
stile.  He  waz  knone  fur  and  near  for  hiz  chunks  ov 
wisdura,  but,  like  Soloman  ov  old,  he  could  talk  wisdum 
better  than  he  could  do  it  This  iz  the  way  with  all  the 
wize  men  i  hav  met  lately.  Soloman  Billings  waz  a  leetle 
slippery,  but  he  managed  tew  git  thru  life  without  slipping 
down  mutch,  and  died  reazonably  well.  He  waz  sed,  bi 
all  who  knu  him,  tew  be  chuk  full  ov  wisdum  ;  he  could 
tell,  bi  looking  at  the  egg,  how  mutch  a  goslin  would 
weigh  before  it  waz  born,  and  when  the  best  time  waz 
tew  set  a  hen  or  a  gate-post.  Sol's  mouth  waz  full  ov 
wisdum ;  litening  couldn't  strike  a  tree,  just  for  fun,  but 
what  he  would  preach  a  moral  sermon  from  the  tex.  He 
waz  dredful  sertain  ov  what  he  did  kno,  and  want  the 
least  bit  un sertain  ov  what  he  didn't  kno.  I  find  in  dig 
ging  down  tew  the  hard  pan  ov  Soloman,  mi  ansesstor, 
that  he  had  a  grate  deal  ov  vanity,  a  large  amount  ov  im- 
pudense,  a  good  supply  ov  inkredulity,  just  the  things,  for 
all  the  world,  tew  make  a  wize  phool  out  of.  He  died  az 
aforesed,  and  i  look  bak  upon  him  az  one  who  haz  de 
parted  this  life.  Adew,  Soloman,  mi  ansesstor.  Deth  iz 
tuff.  Sumwhat !  I  will  add,  quite. 


MORAL. 

Wisdum  chunks  are  chunkier  far, 
Than  all  the  chunks  that  chunky  an 


C  S  C  = 


—  d^t  C(nro(  Ar  e^wiy  ffifma 


WS.&ncL  Ac 


31  Days. 

8 

I 

o 

So 
3  K 


MAY. 


1874. 


kommitty  made  him  workt 
(ffow  krewcland  unphealling,) 
For  less  tlian  a  bartender  gits, 
And  nary  chantefor  stealing. 


13 
14 

15 
16 

17 
18 


21 
22 
23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 

29 
30 

31 


W 


KroHollogy. 


•(•it    Now  the 

vain  rooster    jjj  T5J 

2    %    splits  hiz 

thrut   s      and 
<t  hope  exultant  0 
spreds  her    O  O 
/S*    downy  wing 
and  U£p  iz  short    £* 
65  •    but  sweet 
&    and  lettiss    T^J 
grows  apace 
9  and  giv  me    & 
Ul  liberty  or     S3 
A    giv  me  deth 
f  np  H  and  what's 
If  the  matter   O 
with  Hannah     O 

®      and  hav 
yu  heard        Q  © 
Tig  that  deakon 

Jones        1? 
0»5  4-3  haz 
lost  a        \3     <* 
S  o  heifer 
%         and  sich    <b 

iz  life     O 
and  wood-   $      $ 

<$    £    man      fi 
spare  that    ^" 
$  6  tree  3  and  0 


POP  KORN. 


I  dont  kare  what  a  mans 
kondishun  in  life  iz,  if  he  iz  too 
mutch  for  the  kondishun  he  iz  a 
hero. 


Avarice    iz    about    the    only 
pashun  that  improves  by  age. 


The    truly  brave    are   alwus 
generous. 


He  whom  prosperity  makes 
humble  and  thankful,  adversity 
haz  no  power  over. 


DUTERONOMY  BILLINGS. 

BIZ    MEMORANDUM. 

Duteronomy  Billings  waz  a  square  man.  He  waz  az 
square  az  the  bloks  on  a  checker-board.  He  waz  just 
the  same  kind  ov  a  man  in  the  fall,  az  he  waz  in  the 
spring  ov  the  year;  yu  didn't  hav  tew  winter  him  tew 
find  out  who  he  waz.  He  alwus  did  az  he  agreed,  but 
waz  dredful  bakward  about  agreeing.  Duteronomy  waz 
immense  in  one  thing,  and  that  waz  the  length  ov  hiz 
noze.  He  had  more  noze  ackordin,  than  enny  man  in 
history.  One  writer  ov  the  eleventh  sentury,  sez  hiz 
noze  waz  8  inches  in  length,  and  another  makes  it  a 
frackshun  over  10  inches ;  i  will  split  the  difference,  and 
call  it  7.  If  Dute'  waz  alive  now,  i  think  he  would  sus 
tain  mi  figgures.  In  writing  theze  details  ov  mi  ansess- 
tors,  i  am  guided  bi  a  luv  tew  do  a  square  thing,  and  if  i 
er,  it  will  be  all  owing  tew  mi  luk.  I  never  waz  right 
lucky  since  I  had  the  meazles.  They  took  place  in  the 
1 4th  year  ov  mi  age,  when  i  lived  with  mi  unkle.  I  had 
them  too  thilc.  Duteronomy  Billings  waz  named  after 
old  Duteronomy  ov  bible  times,  and  az  ansesstors  run, 
he  waz  a  very  good  kind  ov  a  one  tew  hav.  He  died  az 
he  had  lived,  exackly  square.  In  konklushun  i  will  say 
lie  still  dear  Dute',  yu  hav  got  a  square  thing.  Thare 
iz  force  in  the  idee.  I  may  add,  grate  force.  Very. 
Indeed. 


MORAL. 

Sum  men  are  oktagon, 
And  sum  three-sided  are, 

'Tis  mortal  tuff  tew  find  one 
Who  iz  kompletely  square. 


30  Days. 


JUNE. 


1874. 


Tho  kiwered  <fer  with  tie  A  abuse. 

He  never  foul  a  gen  it, 
The  very  wuss  that  Jfez1  would  kuss, 

Waz  the  simple  -word  KONDEMIT. 


M 


W 


IS 
16 

18 

20 
21 
22 
23 
24 
25 
26 

27 
28 

29 
3» 


M 


JCronolhgy. 


S  Can  the 
leopard  change    $ 
a  hiz  name  O  waz 
Norval  on  the    W 
Grampine  hills 
g-  he  loved  not    HI 
wizely  but  too  % 
0  menny  O  cooks 
spile  n  the  brakeing 
TTJZ  wares  dashed  £? 
hi  low  Jak  \3  and 

Q  y&  the  game 
of  brag  iz  good     © 
»Ri    but  holdfast 
iz  better     9    ty 
O  a   8-  late  than 
never  too  old      nj, 

A  to  learn  & 
S     O    the  luxury 

ov  doing 
®  good  ©  bye  f 

sweetheart 

Jf  and  George     O 

9  £3  Washington 

waz 

the  father    £T  V 
J€  7?  ovhiz 

natiff     fi  • 
tfe   Q    land  O   S 


KREAM  OV  TARTAR. 


Vice  makes   a  man  Running, 
virtew  makes  him  wize. 


The  ritch  spend  their  time  in 
kreating  wants,  the  poor  in  grati 
fying  them, — the  poor  are  the 
most  sensible. 


The  man  who  iz  the  most  fraid 
tew  die,  iz  the  one  who  knows 
least  how  tew  liv. 


I  had  rather  be  a  boy  again, 
than  tew  be  the  autokrat  ov  the 
world. 


PORKANBEANS  BILLINGS. 

HIZ    MEMORANDUM. 

Porkanbeans  Billings  lived  and  throve  in  the  i6th  sen- 
tury.  He  loved  a  horse  with  grate  power.  He  could 
swop  a  horse  clusser  than  enny  man  that  imparshall  his 
tory  tells  ov.  He  iz  sed  tew  have  swopped  Deakon 
Absolem  Featherweight,  klean  out  ov  a  5  year  old  sorrel 
horse,  at  one  swop,  and  the  deakon  waz  looked  upon  az 
almost  insurmountable  in  a  dikker.  Not  tew  disguise 
the  fakt,  Porky  Billings  waz  a  hoss  jockey  ov  the  anshunt 
daze,  one  who  hung  around  the  village  tavern,  and  alwuss 
had  on  hand  an  old  flag-tailed  pelter,  with  a  glass  eye, 
tew  trade  with  ennyboddy.  I  dont  feal  like  bragging  ov 
Porkanbeans  az  an  ansesstor,  but  i  must  say,  az  a  horse 
jockey,  (if  all  reports  are  trew)  i  feal  proud  ov  him.  I 
forgot  tew  state,  that  Porky  left  no  property.  Thare  iz 
a  grate  deal  ov  genius  in  the  horse-swop  bizzness  but 
fu  assetts.  Porkanbeans  died  instantly,  sumwharc  about 
the  fust  ov  the  i;th  sentury.  He  waz  struk  bi  the  hind 
feet  ov  a  mule.  Moral  karakter  even  wont  save  a  phello- 
being  from  dissolushun,  when  a  mule  goes  for  him  with 
both  hind  feet  at  once.  Sich  iz  life.  Sich  iz  the  mule. 
Porkanbeans  haz  my  sympathy,  he  also  haz  mi  tears,  but 
i  dont  serpose  they  will  be  worth  mutch  tew  him  now,  he 
iz  too  ded.  Fairwell  old  phello-being,  fairwell  nii  an 
sesstor.  Deth  iz  our  porshun.  I  think  i  kan  say  this 
without  making  a  phool  ov  miself.  Undoubtedly.  Yes. 
Jiss  so. 

MORAL. 
Tew  swop  a  horse  and  not  git  beat, 

Iz  sumthing  nice  tew  brag  on, 
I  tried  it  once,  and  that's  the  time 

I  lost  a  horse — and  waggon. 


31  Days.                          JULY.                            1874. 

^u 

'? 

POHOUNK   DIET  -1. 

*t 

1 

o 
M 

a  & 

0)     *~ 

teSP^SSSftS^ 

-A  silent 
consari 

J3  0 

^iHIKiRiB  f&sfi&iiS  tUtssa 

t3 

•a  O 

jWflT  S9S-J^B  J*9S  «5*xX  . 

©  S 

3 

Dont  talk  to  me  ov  anshunt  Job, 

"*     0 

S 

Ov  biles  he  had  a  plenty, 
But  they  were  all  gne  breed  ov  biles. 

~? 

O1 

Leastwize  tg  out  ov  twenty. 

1 

_£_ 

0 

Kronollogy. 

SHOOTING  STARS.  % 

* 

I 

2 

3 

W 
T 
F 

O      Grate  hot  & 
SI  Billy  Buckram 
died  1304  S    O 

One  ov  the  eazyest  things  tew 
hear  ov,  and  at  the  same   time 

4 

S 

l&  carry  the    V3 

one  ov  the  hardest  tew  find,  iz  a 

5 

G 

news  to  Mary  g 

ghost. 

6 

M 

*  rji  hotter  still  "$ 

7 

T 

i  luv  it   O  hot 

8 

W 

inkreases     Tf   9  9 

•—  •  «»-— 

9 

T 

6   a    i  luv  it  *a 

10 

F 

still  hotter  m,    that 

ii 

12 

S 

old  arm  chair   iji 

It  iz  only  a  step  from  lazy  ness 

13 

M 

°p   4  awful  hot 
and  who  shall 

tew  vice,  and  a  short  one  at  that 

14 

1C 

W 

4  more  hot  A 

*  J 

16 

T 

chide  me   O  cooler 

17 

F 

U  V3  with  rain  Sf 

—  «T>—  . 

18 

S 

<o  i  for  luving 

19 

G 

lightning  and 

20 

21 
22 

M 
T 
W 

thunder  S  Jfr  K 
that  ©  still  hot 
T  5  that  &  Nancy 

Thare  iz  lots  ov  people  who 
mistake    their    imaginashun    for 

23 

T 

Dodge  born     •  )(S 

their  memory. 

24 

F 

1786  X  old 

25 

S 

U    arm  chair    »y> 

26 

G 

Q  o.  wind  south 

--.  go  _  - 

27 

M 

mad  dogs  ©  1H  8 

28 

T 

O  Q  seen  5  the 

29 

3° 

W 
T 

boy  stood  on    A  t 
O  the  burning  dek 

Bashfullness  that  kant  be  over 

31 

F 

mutch  weather  O 

come,  iz  modesty. 

JAMAIKA   BILLINGS. 

HIZ    MEMORANDUM. 

Jamaika  Billings  waz  sed  bi  good  judges  ov  the  artikle, 
tew  be  the  lazyest  man  that  ever  visited  this  world.  At 
the  age  ov  14  he  waz  pronounced  bi  the  doktors  too  lazy 
tew  ketch  flies.  He  waz  named  after  hiz  unkle  who  had 
a  grate  speshiality  in  the  jamaika-rum  line,  and  who  could 
float  more  ardent  speerits,  on  an  evener  keel,  than  enny 
human  kraft  in  thoze  daze.  Jamaika  lived  tew  a  grate 
extent ;  sum  say  that  he  waz  160  when  he  died,  and  sum 
put  it  at  142,  but  all  giv  in  that  he  didn't  di  from  enny 
disseaze,  but  kind  ov  lazyed  tew  deth.  He  waz  born 
tired,  and  never  outgru  it  He  marrid  at  37,  but  hiz  wife 
left  him  at  the  end  ov  the  fust  month  ov.  their  nupshalls, 
taking  with  her  all  the  pussonell  affekts,  whiten  were  a 
kupple  ov  cedar  wash-tubs,  and  a  seckond-hand  buggy 
harness,  brass-mounted.  Her  fust  name  waz  Polly  Ann. 
They  never  met  afterwards,  if  they  did,  history  dont  kno 
it  Jamak'e  Billings  didn't  hav  enny  vice  tew  speak  ov, 
he  waz  even  too  lazy  for  that  He  seems  tew  hav  spent 
hiz  life  in  hanging  around  places,  keeping  ragged  and 
phatt  on  nothing.  He  died  in  Old  Pordunk,  and  i  sup- 
poze  waz  burned,  but  history  dont  say  so,  in  jiss  so 
menny  words.  He  waz  mi  ansesstor,  but  i  kant  help  it 
Can  I  ?  I  hav  bin  told  not.  Queer. 


MORAL. 

I  never  knu,  in  all  mi  life, 

Enny  man  tew  go  krazy, 
Who  alwuss  took  things  setting  down, 

And  kultivated  hiz  lazy. 


31  Days. 


AUGUST. 


'1 

0> 


1874. 

I 


But  in  a  distrik  skool  i  kno, 
Each  boy's  a  bile  uncommon, 

And  must  a  diffrent  poultiss  havt 
Tew  git  a  hed  upon  em. 


13 

15 
i6 

18 
19 


M 


W 


23 
24 

25 
26 

27 
28 
29 
3° 


M 


W 


Kronollogy. 


Huge  heat      fi  © 

0  David  Blair 

born  1818  ^  m  Q 

O  hot  inkreases 

n  1?  David  Blair 

wazan 

Jjl  essence  pedlar  8 
thunder  showers  £? 
f(  now  keep  SI 
J  cool  $  9  hotter 
*a  O  if  enny  man 

attempts  tew  f 
&  more  hot  9 
haul  down  23  good 
A  hot  H   the  flag 
JJt  red  hot  ^  shute 
him  on  the    >J( 
©  spot  #  cooler 

now  m,  Bully  for 

Dix  6    0  DOW  lay 

J  ffi  in  yure  son  fi 

strokes  ii  for  next 

t  winter  g  it  biles  ! 

jgg-MikeDoolittle 

born  1830  O  died 

1850  S3  Mike  done 

but  little  here  belo 

nor  dun  that  little  [ 

©  long  9  now 

konkockt  juleps  & 


MUSHROOMS. 


It  iz  az  hard  work  tew  git  ac 
quainted  with  a  haff  bred  family, 
az  it  iz  for  them  tew  conceal 
their  pedigree. 


If  a  man  knows  himself  thor 
oughly,  he  iz  az  wize  az  he  kan 
be  in  this  life. 


I  luv  tew  watch  the  sports  6v 
children,  they  kant  be  children 
but  once,  and  then  but  a  short 
time. 


Hope  claims  the  most,  and  iz 
satisfied  with  the  least,  ov  enny 
pashun  ov  the  harte. 


EKLEEZIASTIKS  BILLINGS. 

HIZ    MEMORANDUM. 

Ekleeziastiks  Billings  waz  a  Puritan  bi  natur  and  occu- 
pashun.  He  waz  az  puritan  az  spring  lam  soaked  in 
mint  saus.  Sum  ov  the  most  kold  and  thawless  stok  in 
all  Nu  England  oozed  from  Ekleeze'  Billings.  He  waz 
kreated  nominally  in  the  year  1570,  and  had  hiz  trunk 
packed  tew  cum  over  in  the  May  Flower,  but  didn't  cum. 
He  cum  over  the  nex  fall,  and  went  immejiately  into  the 
pilgrim  bizzness.  Ekleeziastiks  kept  a  grocery  store, 
and  never  sanded  hiz  sugar,  nor  watered  hiz  Nu  England 
rum  without  fust  asking  tew  be  forgiv  for  it  How 
pure  !  how  lam  like !  Ekleeziastiks  waz  very  tall,  but 
then  he  waz  very  thin  ;  he  waz  over  6  feet  perpendiklar, 
and  not  quite  7  inches  thru.  He  weighed  146  with  hiz 
winter  clothes  and  cowhide  boots  on.  He  preserved  hiz 
thinity  unto  deth.  He  died  from  eating  too  mutch  gar- 
den-truL  How  sad!  how  disinterested!  Ekleesiastiks 
had  one  virtew  which  shines  tew  this  day,  he  waz  very 
saving  ov  hiz  clothes.  Hiz  best  blu  koat,  with  brass  but 
tons  on,  and  a  sharp  tail  tew  it,  he  wore  for  18  years,  and 
then  kut  oph  the  buttons  and  had  it  prest  out,  and  sent 
it  tew  the  heathen.  Ekleeze'  waz  both  a  saving  and  a 
libral  kuss.  He  lived  tew  be  over  90,  and  then  died 
game ;  he  wouldn't  hav  enny  doktor.  He  dispized  dok- 
tors  bills.  How  touching!  Truly.  How  touchful! 
Really. 


MORAL. 

Blest  iz  the  man  who  fe  partikular, 
And  duz  all  things  up  perpindikular. 
(Chorus.)    Ri  fol  de  rol,  ri  folderikular. 


une.  yrtan  who  s 
^pTtfn  ft*-  na/£ 


{'  be  uuw*.  Ae  w-az.  rrurre- 


ays&r  YTGI  ._ 


30  Days. 


SEPTEMBER. 


1874. 


o> 


Tht  only  kind  <m  konsolashun 
This  man  got,  aint  worth  a  kuts, 

For  'tivaf  PITTY, — and  we  all  kno 
PlTTY  iz  but  mild  disgust. 


Kronollogy. 


\V 


14 
IS 

16 

i7 
18 

'9 


M 


23 
24 

25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
30 


W 


M 


VV 


%    Butiful  weather 
elegant  weather  \3 
T  deliteful  weather 
superb  weather  9 
$  O  divine  weather 
charming  weather 
exquisitt  weather  X 
cmoshional  weather 
o  gorgeous  weather 
*  celestial  weather  * 
blissful  weather  A 
<5  grate  weather  £D 
0  fine  weather  n  -g 
9  deiishiis  weather 
heavenly  weather  SI 
ft  glorious  weather 
magnifkicnt  6    V 
ill  >;(  weather  2 
gushing  weather 
«/  sweet  weather  o 
oxhubcrant  weather 
$  poetick  weather 
fragrant  weather  )jf 
8  luvely  weather 
languishing  weather 
soft  weather  iji  mfld 
weather  ?  bewitch 
ing  weather  ^  and 
common  weather  j, 


KAPER  SAUS. 


Genuine  wit  dont  make  a  man 
laff  enny  more  than  logick  duz. 


Yu  kan  buy  laming,  but  wit 
and  wisdum  are  the  gift  ov  God. 


Energy  iz    another  name   for 
kapacity. 


Yung  men,  like  grayhounds, 
follow  by  sight;  old  men,  like 
bloodhounds,  follow  by  track. 


LUKE  BILLINGS. 

HIZ     MEMORANDUM. 

Luke  Billings  waz  a  skool-master  ov  the  Nu  England 
type  and  shaddo.  He  waz  an  uprite  and  an  austere 
man,  az  uprite  az  a  sperm  kandlc,  and  az  austere  az  hoss- 
radish.  I  look  bak  onto  Luke's  memoirs  and  pitty  him, 
for  i  pitty  awl  distrikt-skool  masters,  all  mothers-in-law, 
and  all  grass  widders.  Luke  Billings  spent  hiz  whole 
life  in  the  distrik-skool  spekulashun,  and  died  az  poor  az 
a  salt  kodfish.  Hiz  assetts  konsisted  ov  a  pocket-komb 
and  a  nu  testament.  He  used  tew  board  round  the 
naborhood,  and  waz  alwuss  az  hungry  az  a  pikrel.  He 
never  had  enny  friends,  nor  enny  enemys ;  he  waz  like  a 
gide-board  in  this  respek.  Luke  Billings  never  got 
marrid,  he  hadn't  the  time  tew  spare.  He  waz  severely 
engaged,  for  26  years,  tew  Nancy  Burbanks,  but  they 
both  died  intestate.  They  sleep  cluss  together,  in  the 
old  grave-yard,  at  lower  Pordunk.  Sleep  on  !  sleep  on  1 
dear  old  virgin  couple,  and  pay  no  attenshun  tew  no- 
boddy.  Lukey  wore  hiz  hare  long  behind,  and  kept  a 
distrik  skool  34  years  6  months  and  17  daze.  Oh,  dear  1 
oh,  dear !  Luke  i  pitty  yu.  Luke  Billings  iz  an  ansesstor 
that  i  look  bak  upon  every  now  and  then  with  my 
memory,  and  want  tew  fite  sumboddy  on  hiz  ackount 
Fairwell,  luvely  Luke.  Fairwell  Lukey.  Fairwell. 
Enuff  sed. 


MORAL. 

From  keeping  skool,  and  thejpay, 
Two  things  pestiverous, 

[  feel  az  tho'  I'd  like  to  say, 
Good  Lord !  deliver  us. 


31  Days. 


OCTOBER. 


1874. 


r  rather  would  I  kav  a  man. 
Than  offer  me  hii  fifty. 
Hit  me  rite  smart  long  side  the  ked, 
For  that  mite  make  me  gritty. 


M 


VV 


13 
M 

15 
16 

i? 
18 

*9 


23 


25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
30 


W 


Kronollogy. 


|  |  About  these  tq, 

days  expekt  rain 
i  5  t     now  worry 
wood  chucks  f  n 
5   ©  sighns  OT 
snow  :::  A  S  now 
hurry  coons  •  Ii.  ^ 

V  cooler  rjj  now 
7  persekute  musk 
rats  O  frost  5  If 

Til  ®  now 
TTJI  hunt  patridge  £ 

®  quite  kold  8 
If  now  chase  quails 
more  snow  %  now 
O  pester  foxes  ^  V 
G^~  sour  rain   ,JF^ 
S-  now  persew  O  7? 
bears  ty  hard 
t  frost  2   *  now 
sarch  for       J§f 
SI  9  &  elephants  <5 
£  a  more  kold  O 
A    now  go  for 

anakondys  O  K( 
Q  freezing  K  now 

•  prospekt  for  ^ 
Behomaths  2  raw 
kold  9  now  dig  for 
mastedons  8  now  t 


KONDENSED  MILK. 


The  more  rare  a  mans  qualitys 
are,  the  more  he  will  be  found 
fait  with, — dust  on  a  dimond  iz 
ahvus  more  noticeable  than  dust 
on  a  brik. 


Experience  teaches  a  good 
many  things,  but  dont  learn  us 
but  a  phew. 


I  hav  seen  old  villains  who 
were  komparitively  pure,  they  had 
either  worn  out  their  vices,  or 
their  vices  had  wore  out  them,  i 
dont  kno  whitch. 


It  requires  the  gratest  ov  skill 
tew  hide  a  weakness. 


NEBUDKENNEZZAR  BILLINGS. 

HIZ   MEMORANDUM. 

Nebudkennezzar  Billings  waz  an  orphan  bi  birth,  and 
kept  a  hotel,  he  did  When  yu  got  fride  pork  at  hiz 
house,  it  waz  fride  pork,  it  waz.  Yu  didn't  hav  a  bill  ov 
fare  tew  tell  what  it  waz,  yu  didn't  Hiz  wife  waz 
smarter  than  chane  litening,  and  kleancr  than  a  ghost, 
she  waz.  Her  hash  didn't  hav  enny  paving-stuns,  nor 
kart-wheels  in  it,  it  didn't  Yu  mite  az  well  hunt  for  the 
lost  tribes  ov  Izrael  on  her  premises,  az  to  hunt  for  a 
kokroach,  yu  mite.  Neb's  wife  had  red  hare,  and  waz 
bony  put  together,  and  could  fri  pork,  tend  bar,  harness 
a  boss,  trade  with  a  peddlar,  and  make  a  gin-sling  that 
could  almost  talk,  she  could.  Nebudkennezzar  Billings 
waz  a  pollytishioner,  and  run  hard  for  konstable  in  old 
Pordunk,  for  menny  times,  he  did.  It  iz  justiss  tew  hiz 
memoirs  tew  state,  that  tho  he  run  well,  the  offiss  alwuss 
beat  him,  it  did.  He  never  got  elekted,  he  didn't.  How 
prekarious  !  how  impekunious  !  how  transhunt !  Alass ! 
alass !  Neb*  waz  kreated  in  1502,  and  dissoluted  in 
1569,  and  spent  hiz  whole  life  in  the  hash  bizzness,  he 
did.  Hiz  wife  waz  boss  while  here  on  earth,  and  will 
undertake  tew  be  hereafter,  she  will  But  she  kant,  kan 
she  ?  She  kant  Happy  it  iz  that  thare  iz  a  thussness 
in  theze  things.  Thrice  happy.  Even  nobby.  That's  so. 


MORAL. 

Every  man  thinks  he  kan  keep  a  hotel, 
But  0 1  how  delusiv  and  rash, 

For  thare  aint  no  kind  ov  bizzness  so  mixt, 
Az  doing  a  klean  job  in  hash. 


30  Days. 


NOVEMBER. 


1874. 


Enny  man  who  a  skool  hat  kept 
Ten  years,  (krewel/ate  allots  I) 

Ought  tew  hav  hi*  shuze  pulled  of  h. 
And  be  turn  ed  out  tew  grots. 


14 

15 

16 

i7 
18 

!9 


M 


W 


23 

25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3° 


M 


Kronolhgy. 


1111  Hark  p  the 

&  2  kold  wind 
whissells  •  £?  and 
Y>    the  rane    s 
drizzles   X  A   and 
a*  3  the  snow  S3 
phizzles  O  i  a  and 
9  the  fire  sizzles  9 
n  and  the     8 

Iff.  rji  dogs  O 
"5?  bark  &  and 
A  0   9   the  boys 
HI  lark  X  ©  ^ 
8  ^l  151  and  the 
kats  mew  •  A  and 
\3  the  kittles  stew 
and  the  pork  S 
S  £?  *  fries  S  and 
IP  the  mince  t  TT| 


pies  a  f  J  f  |=| 
dr>  T*.  and  the  X< 

turkey  dies  -g  ip 
2  and  the 

0  owl  dreameth  \3 
and  the  goose  $  $ 
X  skreameth  ( !)  and 
the  girls  6  i  $  r 
f  snikker  •  and  the 
men  dikker  0  and 


GINGER  SNAPS. 


Thare  iz,  now  and  then,  a  man 
who  knows  that  he  iz  a  phool; 
sutch  a  man  iz  a  hard  man  tew 
cheat. 


I  hav  known  people  who  waz 
virtewous  just  bekauze  they  waz 
lazy,  they  hadn't  snap  enuff  in 
them  tew  brake  one  ov  the  10 
commandments. 


I  beleave  pitty  iz  more  ov  an 
impulse  than  a  principle,  for  we 
seldom  respekt  thoze  that  ire 


He  who  suspekts  everyboddy, 
should  be  watched  by  everyboddy. 


MUSHANMILK  BILLINGS. 

HIS  MEMORANDUM. 

Mushantnflk  Billings  waz  one  ov  mi  earliest  efforts  in 
the  way  ov  ansesstors.  He  waz  begot  during  the  nth 
or  1 2th  sentury,  or  thareabouts.  He  derived  hiz  name 
from  hiz  grate  ability  tew  conquer  mush  and  milk.  Titus 
Odistes,  a  celebrated  writer  in  thoze  days,  sez  he  haz 
known  him  tew  eat  a  potash  kittle  ov  puddin  and  milk, 
at  one  sitting.  I  kant  state  whether  this  iz  sutch  or  not, 
for  i  never  met  Mushanmilk  personally.  He  died  pre 
vious  tew  mi  birth.  Titus  Odistes  also  sez,  that  Mush 
anmilk  had  a  very  sweet  disposishun,  how  sweet,  he  dont 
tell  us,  but  from  what  i  kno  ov  the  latter-day  saints, 
amung  the  Billings  family,  it  couldn't  hav  bin  quite  up 
tew  the  best  brand  ov  Nu  Orleans  mollassiss.  He  waz 
sed  tew  be  number  One  in  modesty,  and  sitch  like,  but 
this  dont  exackly  conspire  with  what  i  know  ov  the  Bil- 
lings'es.  Cheeck  haz  alwus  been  reckoned  amung  our 
virtews.  In  taking  a  square  look  bak  upon  mi  ansess- 
tors,  i  find  that  they  were  rather  a  thin  set.  I  find  that 
their  ambishun  waz  the  result  ov  vanity.  Their  honesty 
the  effekt  ov  edukashun.  Their  charity,  the  luv  ov 
novelty.  Their  philosophy,  able  tew  bear  the  stummuk- 
ake  ov  others  with  heroik  fortitude,  but  not  worth  a  kuss 
in  their  own;  and  their  virtevs  generally,  more  the  growth 
ov  their  pride  than  ov  their  humility.  What  a  pitty  I 
Echo  answers,  "Jiss  so."  Man  iz  an  angleworm.  He 
iz.  Verily. 


MORAL* 

Thare  aint  to-day,  so  just  a  vittle, 

Az  mush, — rite  hot,  from  out  the  kittle. 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


1874. 


Instid  ov  this,  how  treto  it  tit, 

The  skoolmtuter  it  treated, 
Like  one  we  owe  50  dollars, 
And  wont  admit  we've  cheated. 


14 
i5 
16 

17 
18 

19 


23 
24 

3 

27 
28 
29 
3° 


W 


Kronollogy. 


n  Bitter  kold  3  * 

a  thing  ov  buty  T? 
H  iz  a  joy  forever 

thundring  kold  & 
V  7|  £  if  yu  must 

drink  hot    i  9 
©  rum  S3  do  it  now 

jehosiphat  kold  <k 
T  now  distruckshun 
9  5  wood  ^  slam 

bang  kold  O  tit* 

Job  Stearns 
O  A  "I  bora  1500 

indefatigabel  kold 
Job  Stearns  4  Sff 

T£L  waz  an  8 
£  itinerant  S  •  S 

ompompanoosuck 
V3  kold  O  Job  TH, 

itinerated  A  S  • 

0  tin  ware 
EDO  phawls  ^  now 

stir  up  0  a  M 

i  a  yure  goose 
unimpeachible  kold 
CR.  roosters  freeze  25 

yures,  with  spark- 
IP  ling  hopes  — 
Josh  Billings  jjfc, 

4>  Allminacker  S 


KOLD  KUTS. 


The  more  humble  a  man  iz 
before  God,  the  more  he  will  be 
exalted, — the  more  humble  he  iz 
before  men,  the  more  he  will  git 
rode  ruff  shod. 


The  only  really  natral  thing 
thare  iz  about  enny  man,  iz  hiz 
conshunce. 


Enuff  good  luk  will  ruin  enny 
man. 


Whare  thare  iz  one  man  obsti 
nate  bekauze  he  iz  wize,  thare  iz 
4>6p5  853  obstinate  bekauze  they 
are  Ignorant 


Trust  in  God  first,  yure  nabor 
next,  and  yureself  last. — AMEN. 


HEAR   THE  PAPERS  TALK  I 

We  would  rather  be  the  author  of  Josh  Billings'  Far- 
mar's  Allminax  for  1875,  than  be  elected  captain  of  a 
malitia  company. 

Coonhollow  Demokrat. 


Josh  Billings'  Farmer's  Allminax  for  the  year  1875,  is 
just  hatched  >  out;  it  is  like  a  Thanksgiving  pudding,  full 
of  rich  things ;  buy  it,  and  set  down  in  a  corner,  and 
read,  and  be  happy  once,  if  you  never  are  again. 

Boston  Pilgrim. 


We  have  a  copy  of  Josh  Billings'  Allminax  on  tap, 
and  draw  sweet  liquor  from  it  each  hour ;  no  man  can 
buy  our  copy,  no  man  can  borrow  it,  and  he  who  steals 
it,  will  Anally  die. 

New  Orleans  Budget. 


Saw  my  right  leg  0$  lift  my  scalp  up,  innoculate  me 
with  the  contents  of  a  six  shooter,  if  Josh  Billings'  Far 
mer's  Allminax  for  1875  aint  the  bnllyest  brick  the  civil- 
ized  world  has  ever  laid  eyes  on. 

Texas  Daily  Bandit. 


Josh  Billings'  Farmer's  Allminax  is  once  more  in  our 
midst ;  like  an  oyster  on  the  half  shell,  it  can  be  took 
standing,  sitting  down,  or  on  the  run. 

Lowell  Examiner. 


PRIVATE    OPINYUNS     0V  JOSH    BIL 
LINGS'  FARMER'S  ALLMINAX. 


"A  pearl  ov  grate  price." 

Dtakon  Mazes  Mills. 


"  I  reckomend  this  allminax  to  all  persons  out  ov  a 
job." 

Israel  Pugh. 
o 

"  Az  konsise  az  a  kambrik  needle." 

E.  Jt.  Dun&an. 
o 

V  This  allminax  iz  az  phull  ov  sharp  dungs  az  a  hedge 
hog's  back." 

Ezra  Fist. 
o 

"Az  natral  in  the  family,  and  quite  az  catching,  az  the 
meazles." 

DoJd.  J.  Munson. 


"  Oh  lud !  i  never  did  peruze  enny  thing  haff  so  mutch 
like  it" 

Wlddo  Jane  Perkins. 


"  Tis  too  sweet  for  enny  thing." 

Miss  Matilda  Ann  Brown. 


"It  iz  a  lofty  produkshun,  full  ov  immense  wisdum, 
graphick  delineation,  and  koruskating  gencralitys." 

John  Mead,  A.M. 


HONESTY, 

Honesty  iz  like  munny,  a  man  haz  got  to  work  hard 
to  get  it,  and  then  haz  got  to  work  harder  to  keep  it. 
Honesty  iz  the  best  kard  in  the  pak;  it  iz  allwuss 
trumps,  and  thare  iz  no  man  big  phool  enuff  but  what  he 
kan  play  it  right  every  time.  Honesty  haz  been  praised 
more,  and  praktised  less,  than  enny  ov  the  virtews,  but 
it  stands  in  need  ov  no  ones  praise,  and  fears  no  ones 
rebuke.  Honesty  iz  all  the  virtew  that  a  man  needs,  and 
all  that  an  angell  haz.  Honest  men  are  skarse,  and 
what  i  am  afrade  ov  now  iz,  they  are  going  to  be  skarser. 
From  Adam's  day  to  ours,  and  from  now  untill  the  judge 
ment  time,  an  Honest  man  haz  been,  and  will  be,  "  The 
noblest  work  of  Cod."  Pope's  deskripshun  ov  an  honest 
man  iz  the  simplest,  and  yet  the  strongest  language,  that 
ever  haz  been  used. 


A    KARD, 

A  bizzy-body  iz  like  a  ritch  cheezc,— full  ov  little 
things. 


When  a,  man  aint  good  for  ennything  else,  he  iz  just 
right  to  sett  on  a  jury. 


31  Days. 


JANUARY. 


1875. 


«f 


Erly  the  Nuze  Boy  crawls  from  hit  koal  box, 
Tho  tno  on  the  hard  ground  may  lay, 

And  sktids  for  the  nuze  paper  offiss. 
To  get  hit  supply  for  the  day. 


'3 
H 
15 
16 

i? 
18 

19 


23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3o 
3i 


M 


W 


Billings  Log. 


Jf  S  Q  Rather 
kold  It  &  SI 

T&  ITJ  pepper  sass 
invented  1632  (^^9 
&•  jfo  ^  mutch  kold 
now  mangle  $  n 

23  O  S  wood 
sighns  ov  f  <»  $ 

«fa  sno  §  _^J 
dont  pik  «o  | 

•     O     geese 

this  month      $ 
expekt  sum    O 

i  S  weather 
hi  tides  X  «: 

now  anihilate 
hogs    7?    ?    I  I  I 

=2  5  more  :o: 
koldly  «•  *  5 

$  S  Mike  Tower 
died  1812  V  8  SI 

9    prepare    $ 

$  for  sno  £1 S 

tn,  e  n  dont  y 

Db  plant  enny  Jt 
corn  this  month 

^    dredphull  chilly 

now  assassinate  O 
S  poultry  ft  go 

to  bed  arly    Q      O 


MORNIN  GLORYS. 


If  i  kant  hav  but  two  things  on 
me  that  dont  pinch,  let  it  be  mi 
shirt  kollar,  and  mi  boots. 


Christians  seem  to  fi.te  under 
cover,  but  the  devil  stands  boldly 
out,  and  dares  the  world  to  single 
kombat 


Philosophy  iz  a  kind  ov  severe 
sentinal,  who  locks  up  the  harte, 
and  throws  the  key  away. 


A  thoroly  lazy  man  iz  ded  enuff 
to  be  buried,  and  his  phuneral 
ought  to  be  advertized  at  once. 


G  R I  Ts 

Grit  iz  a  good  thing  to  hav,  but  yu  dont  want  too 
mutch  ov  it  I  hav  known  folks  who  had  so  mutch  grit, 
that  they  didn't  kno  when  they  waz  whipt  This  dont 
pay.  I  like  to  see  a  man  who  aint  afrade  to  file  a  wind 
mill,  when  she  iz  in  phull  blast,  but  i  dont  kare  to  see 
him  do  it,  for  a  wind-mill  iz  a  hard  job  to  thrash,  and 
they  dont  kno  neither  when  they  hav  got  enufil  Grit 
and  spunk,  are  two  twins,  and  their  mother  iz  Courage, 
and  their  father  iz  Bravery.  I  have  seen  grit,  and  spunk, 
and  even  courage,  that  didn't  hav  a  bit  ov  bravery  in 
them.  Bravery  allwuss  ackts  from  a  principle.  Grit  may 
be  rite,  and  may  be  rong.  It  aint  very  certain,  or  par- 
tiklar  whitch.  Gritty  men  aint  allwuss  luvly,  they  are 
too  mutch  like  sandpaper  to  handle,  allwuss  reddy  for  a 
skratch.  I  like  grit  in  everything,  except  mi  hash,  thare 
iz  when  i  kant  bear  it.  Giv  every  man  yu  meet  a  good 
big  haff  ov  the  turnpike,  but  if  he  insists  upon  the  whole 
ov  it,  the  religion  ov  the  Billings  family  iz  to  arbitrate 
the  kasc  at  onsL  If  a  man  smotes  yu  on  one  cheek, 
turn  him  the  other  one  if  yu  like,  but  dont  let  him  smote 
that  This  aint  fair. 


ARGUMENTS. 

It  iz  az  diffikult  to  define  a  sukcess,  az  it  iz  to  ackount 
for  the  meazles. 


Coquets  make  better  wives  than  Prudes  do,  but  thank 
the  Lord,  thare  iz  better  ones  in  market  than  either  ov 
them. 


28  Days. 


FEBRUARY. 


1875. 


Now  having  arrived  at  the  ojfiss, 
He  goes  in  for  nonsense,  and  noize, 

And  strives  to  git  holdov  hiz  papers, 
Before  the  rest  cv  the  boys. 


IP     W 


M 


5 


W 


M 


W 


W 


Billings  Log. 


Kondem  kold   © 
1J    §     now  flies 

V    are  still    13, 
snow  falls   ss  fl  8 

V   thare  iz  a    X 
divinity  shapes   tJk 
TTB  )fl  5    our  ends 
kold  grows  ^ 

.•.•  O  kolder 
Si  Bill  Stevens  H 
Jt  O  S  born  1306 
now  chew  slapjax 
J§|  O  low  tides  W 
sighn  ov  mutch  [§§] 
weather  S  Sun  in 
O  apogee  A  expekt 
frosts  =  about  $ 
S  theze  days  dont 
plant  onion  seed  S 
[f]  fi  Sally  Ann 
Murdok  died  t^j 
A  *  O  kolder 
Sally  Ann  waz  a  Q 
weaver  S  sighns  ov 
fis  a  thaux  Sally  Ann 
weavered  yarns  4 
£7  peace  to  our  ashes 


HELIOTROPES. 


When  a  woman  wants  enny- 
thing,  she  wants  it  with  all  her 
strength,  and  every  boddy  elses 
strength  too. 


Intelekt  without  judgement  iz 
what  ails  about  onehalff  the  smart 
people  in  this  world 


Thare  aint  bad  luk  in  the 
whole  world  to  ruin  enny  one 
man,  not  if  he  wifl  fite  it  out  on 
that  line. 


A  fknatick  iz  the  wust  man  we 
hav  to  kontend  with,  reazon  haz 
no  effekt  on  him,  and  it  iz  agin 
the  law  to  klub  him. 


CHARITY. 

Charity  iz  a  blessed  privilege;  it  lifts  poor  human 
natur  up  to  the  level  or  the  angells,  and  sheds  the  lite  ov 
heaven  on  our  pathway.  It  iz  the  most  butiful  ov  all 
the  impulses  ov  the  heart,  and  the  eazyest  to  execute. 
Thare  iz  not  a  thought  that  goes  out  kindly  to  welkum  a 
child  ov  sorrow,  but  what  iz  kredited  in  the  grate  book 
ov  everlasting  life,  under  the  head  ov  Charity.  Thare  iz 
not  a  gift,  not  even  a  kup  of  kold  water,  thare  iz  not 
a  self  sakrafice  ov  enny  kind,  thare  iz  not  a  virte- 
wous  wish,  nor  a  kind  hope,  but  what  kan  be  kounted 
amung  the  jewels  ov  charity.  Charity  hath  no  markit- 
price  here,  nor  hereafter,  thare  iz  menny  a  penny  in  the 
grate  box  that  will  kount  out  brighter,  at  the  last  day, 
than  enny  dollar  that  iz  thare.  But  thoze  people  who 
are  the  soonest  to  melt  with  charity,  are  often  the 
soonest  to  freeze  up, — i  have  seen  them  so  fastidious 
that  they  couldn't  meet  an  objikt  ov  charity,  without 
plunging  their  hand  into  one  pocket,  and  taking  out  a 
ten  cent  piece,  put  it  right  bak  into  the  other,  thus  satis 
fying  their  charity,  and  saving  their  munny  at  the  same 
time. 


yzss  so. 

All  the  philosophy  in  the  world,  wont  make  a  hard 
trotting  boss  ride  eazy. 


One  ov  the  most  unfortunate  individuals  i  kno  ov,  iz  a 
third-rate  fiddler. 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


1875. 


Wj  I 
S  K 
£  t 


Afoo  having  his  merchandize  pure liased, 
ffe's  out  in  the  sno,  and  the  sleet. 

And  yells  like  a  "  trove"  on  the  war  path, 
As  swiftly  he  runs  thru  the  street. 


II 
12 


IS 

16 

18 
19 


M 


23 

24 

25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3° 


VV 


Billings  Log. 


©    Windy 
winds    O  ©    now 
•    o  dig  oat    7 
woodchucks    il 
<f  A    expekt  wind 
Sam  Davis  born   S 
,g>       1632  ^  more 
wind  rji  Sam  Davis 
f  IJT  was  an  Q  1£ 
operator     t      9 
y  iq,    look  out  for 
wind  ©  X  SS  Sam 
Davis  operated 
on  hen  roosts    |  n 
prepare  for  wind  JJ 

%    now  pay    V 
yure  dels         O  ft 

windyness  S-  © 
prevails  $  0  S 
S  Q  O  Adam 
waz  a  weak  ]jl 
fi  t  6  TT  aster 
mutch  signs  ifc 

2    *P  ov  wind 
now  sarch    ^  iff 
'i?     fi,  f,  for  boss 
radish    yK   a    © 

TIJ,  X   more  wind 
tud-stools     e 
S  diskovered  1283 


TULIPS. 


A  pedant  iz  one  who  over 
estimates  whatever  he  haz  got, 
whether  it  be  learning,  munny, 
dri  goods,  or  the  rumatism. 


I  dont  reckolekt  ov  ever  doing 
ennything  that  i  waz  just  a  little 
ashamed  ov,  but  what  sum  one 
waz  sure  to  remember  it,  anc 
every  once  in  a  while  put  me  in 
mind  ov  it 


The  most  bitter  kriticks  we  hav 
are  those  who  hav  failed  them- 
self  to  write  ennything  worth 
reading. 


He  who  haz  got  nothing  to  do 
in  this  world  but  arnuze  himself 
haz  got  the  hardest  job  on  hand 
kno  ov. 


FUN. 

Fun  is  the  cheapest  fisick  that  haz  bin  diskovered  yet, 
and  the  eazyest  to  take.  Fun  pills  are  sugar  coated,  and 
no  change  ov  diet  iz  necessary  while  taking  them.  A  lit 
tle  fun  will  sumtimes  go  a  grate  ways,  i  hav  known  men 
to  liv  to  a  good  old  age  on  one  joke,  which  they  man 
aged  to  tell  az  often  az  once  a  day,  and  do  all  the  laffing 
themselves  besides  that  waz  done.  But  thare  iz  lots  ov 
pholks  who  kant  see  enny  phun  in  enny  thing,  yu  couldn't 
fire  a  joke  into  them  with  a  double  barrell  gun,  10  paces 
off,  they  go  thru  life  az  sollum  az  a  cow.  Menny  people 
think  it  iz  beneath  their  dignity  to  relish  a  joke,  sutch 
people  are  simply  fools,  and  dont  seem  to  kno  it  The 
Billings  family  are  allwuss  on  the  lookout  for  fun,  it  iz  sed 
ov  Dexter  Billings,  one  ov  our  pristines,  that  he  had  to 
be  kept  under  500  dollar  bonds  all  the  time,  to  keep  him 
from  laffing  in  church.  Ackordin  to  all  ackounts  this 
Dexter  Billings  waz  a  cuss.  Fun  iz  the  pepper  and  salt 
ov  every  day  life,  and  all  he  really  wiz  men  who  hav  ever 
lived,  hav  used  it  freely  for  seazoning. 


HEAR    YEE. 

The  man  who  kan  set  himself  to  work,  at  enny  thing, 
on  5  minnitts  notiss,  haz  got  one  of  the  best  trades  i  kno 
ov. 


Virtew  that  kant  whip  Vice,  in  a  fair  stand  up  file, 
enny  time,  aint  worth  having. 


30  Days. 


i 


APRIL. 


1875 


O'.SJ 


"  Er'es  the  Errald,  Times,  Sun,  World,  and  Tribune? 

Iz  tfieyung  merchants  ear.  piercing  kry, 
"  Cot  tlie  orfull  smash  up  on  the  rale  rode,"*— 

And  a  kuntryman  stops  him  to  buy. 


14 
15 
16 

18 
'9 


W 


23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
30 


M 


W 


Billings  Log. 


Gentle  showers    ^ 

23  =.  "™    now    £j 

insert  onion    •"  A 

\3    seed    S    $ 

R  JJt    more  rain 

*a  #   perpetual  S 

moshun  diskovered 

©.Q  1832  y  © 

X  flj  more  rain  £ 
perpetual    O   © 

8  .Q  moshon  # 
lost  1313    O    2 
JS  inkreasing   $ 
A  0     wetness    W 
now  prospekt  $  fj 
1?  for  dandylions  S 

TTJJ     (B      Abner 
Durham     5     ff? 
T  #  iti    bom  956 
expekt  rain     n  $ 
S3    Abner  Durham 
waz  a     S   1?  /s> 
pedlar     4     wet 
rain    O  Q    Abner 
O    Durham  [!!]~ 
peddled  goose  yokes 

rain  i  1?  luv  me, 
luv  9  mi  c^>  dog 
V  damp  drizzles  £A 


PRIMROSES. 


About  az  low  down  az  a  man 
kan  git,  and  not  quite  spile,  iz  to 
liv  on  his  wife's  reputashun. 


A  good  karakter  is  allwuss 
gained  bi  inches,  but  iz  often  lost 
in  one  chunk. 


To  be  strong  a  man  should  hav 
plenty  ov  friends,  and  plenty  ov 
enemys — too  menny  friends  weak 
ens  him,  and  too  menny  enemys 
makes  him  a  vagabond. 


The  man  who  haz  sworn  not  to 
forgiv  haz  uttered  the  wust  oath 
he  kan  take. 


EAZY  BOOTS. 

One  ov  the  eazyest  things  in  this  world  iz  a  loose  boot, 
it  iz  just  az  eazy  az  falling  oph  from  a  log,  when  yu  are 
fast  asleep.  The  man  who  fust  invented  tite  boots  com 
mitted  suiside,  so  i  hav  been  told,  this  waz  kind  in  the  phel- 
low.  But  if  he  had  committed  suiside  before  he  had  been 
born,  it  would  hav  been  kinder  still.  Eazy  boots  are  one 
ov  the  luxurys  ov  life,  what  the  other  luxurys  are  i  dont 
kno,  and  dont  kare.  Enney  man  who  kan  wear  a  tite 
boot,  and  enjoy  it,  iz  either  a  martyr,  or  a  phool,  it  makes 
but  little  difference  which.  Tite  boots  produce  korns, 
bunyons,  and  swareing,  and  thare  iz  only  one  thing  kan 
be  said  in  their  favour,  they  make  a  man  forgit  all  hiz 
other  sorrows.  An  eazy  boot  will  humanize  a  sinner 
faster  than  two  mishionary  kan.  Vanity  iz  the  Godfather 
ov  tite  boots,  and  just  so  long  az  men  mistake  a  number 
eleven  foot,  for  a  number  nine  boot,  just  so  long  we  shall 
see  them  limping  around,  with  boots  on  two  sizes  too 
small.  Next  to  a  klear  consilience,  for  solid  cumfort,  and 
every  day  wear,  cums  an  eazy  boot. 


HITS. 

After  tricing  for  more  than  35  years  to  hav  mi  own  way 
in  all  things,  i  have  finally  cum  to  the  konklushun,  to 
split  the  difference. 


Everyboddy  seems  to  konsider  himself  a  kind  ov  moral 
half  bushel,  to  meazzure  the  worlds  frailtys  in. 


31  Days.                        MAY. 

1875, 

o 

1 

<J$-i  ".    f'*s^r/  '^»;{rr.?> 

^j 

0 

*>w  •  .   /  -ase*  .  •  @3v\    i  i 

j> 

#  :'    ;'rb      •         p'-OTKa  '/  '    TfcHiW'   ' 

tjr 

"—*  r* 

flTV/.  •  .SKU/  *  ffii&\»£i 

1*                    *  I 

?  ^                   Another  boy  rushes  to  serve  him,                                  to 
1    ij                      .#«/  owr  hero  wont  stand  it  no  how, 

d>  | 

So  he  pockets  the  kuntryman's  munny, 

O 

And  fixes  himself  for  a  row. 

5 

V3 

Billings  Log. 

DAFFODILLS. 

I 

2 

S 
G 

O    Dandylions    TIJJ 
5    are    JJ:    here  ^ 

The  man  who  haz  got  nothing 

3 

M 

warm      £       O 

to    reckomend    him    but    robust 

4 

T 

0     and  fine     • 

helth,  and  an  excessiv  flo  ov  an 

5 
6 

7 

\V 
T 
F 

O     &     tud-stools 
hav  arrived    £?   fi 
£     «Ji  it  rains  vfe 

imal  spirits,  iz  az  unplezant  an  as- 
soshiate  az  a  4  year  old  kolt. 

8 

S 

frogs  hav     0      23 

9 

G 

$      <J     cum     Q 

C09- 

10 

M 

soft  winds    ??     f, 

ii 

12 
13 

T 
W 
T 

i   «*    the  tax-    $ 

gatherer  puts    O 

Genius  seems  to  be  the  fakulty 
ov  doing  a  thing  excellently  well, 

14 

16 

F 
S 
G 

appearanse     4    "^ 
ITU      S3      showery 

that  noboddy  supposed  could  be 
done  at  all. 

17 

M 

now  chuck     ©     © 

/ 
18 

T 

%     in  gardin      ss 

eoa- 

19 

W 

seeds     D    <»>    V3 

20 

T 

-3   0   O     a  butiful 

21 

F 

day    $  ^    Abram 

Helth  is  like  munny,  we  never 

22 

S 

$  Barker  elekted  fj 

hav  a  true  idea  ov  its  value  untill 

23 

G 

constable    K    <Q 

we  lose  it. 

24 

M 

IF    «l    O   kloudy 

25 

T 

woman  iz    If     n 

26 

W 

*5>    a  angell     y 

27 

T 

wind     fj\      ^3     ^B 

28 
29 

F 
S 

O     southernly 
now  investigate    TIE 

The  most  dangerous  person  in 

3° 

G 

)fl  for  hens  eggs  if 

this  world,  iz  the 

one  with  the 

31 

M 

quite  wet  1  !—  !—  I 

most  tallent,  and  the  least  virtew. 

WOMAN. 

Woman  iz  the  glass  ware  ov  kreashun.  She  iz  luvly, 
and  brittle,  but  she  haz  run  up  everything  we  really  enjoy 
in  this  life  from  25  cents  on  the  dollar  to  par.  Adam, 
without  Eve,  would  hav  been  az  stupid  a  game  az  play 
ing  checkures  alone.  Thare  haz  been  more  butiful  things 
sed  in  her  praze  than  thare  haz  ov  enny  other  animate 
thing,  and  she  is  worthy  ov  them  all.  She  is  not  an 
angell  tho,  and  i  hope  she  wont  never  go  into  the  angell 
bizzness.  Angells  on  earth  dont  pay.  The  only  mistake 
that  woman  haz  ever  made  iz  to  think  she  iz  a  better  man 
than  Adam. 

Adam  iz  captin,  and  i  am  reddy  to  admit,  that  he  iz 
often  a  dreadphull  poor  one  too.  Woman  iz  the  power 
behind  the  throne,  she  holds  all  the  best  playing  kards 
in  the  pak,  and  her  own  good  sense  ought  to  teach  her 
not  to  be  in  enny  hurry  to  play  them.  I  hav  allwus  sed, 
and  i  beleaf  it  still,  that  the  time  to  be  karfullest  iz  when 
you  hav  a  hand  phull  ov  trumps. 


PRIVATE  SENTIMENTS. 

If  i  had  75  children  i  would  be  sure  and  learn  60  ov 
them  to  allwus  shut  the  door  after  them  when  they  went 
out,  and  i  wouldn't  kare  whether  the  other  15  ever  learnt 
mutch  or  not 


Yung  man,  yu  better  be  honest  than  cunning,  and  it  iz 
hard  work  to  be  both. 


30  Days. 


JUNE. 


1875. 


o-  S 

el 


Q-.O 


They  "go  in  "  like  a  pair  ovyung  tigers, 
And  neither  seems  anxious  to  stop, 

Till  they  are  suddenly  brought  to  their  senses, 
By  a  vigilant,  fierce- looking  "  cop." 


W 


M 


W 


14 
IS 
16 

17 
18 

'9 

20 

21 


W 


23 
24 
25 
26 

27 
28 

29 
30 


M 


vv 


Billings  Log. 


"I  V3  Wet  rains 
Abigail  Fish  iff  HE 
n  •  0  married 
o  1756  *  © 
warm  heat  $  & 
2  now  ho  O 
gardens  V  fit 

I*.     Q     expekt 
thunder     O      £ 

T?     hot      £? 
rains    O     O     ¥ 
<•>      3     now  hunt 
for  musketoes    Q 
$  U     perhaps     9 
rain,     O     &     A 
perhaps   not 
now  kast     Q 
yure  bread    O  'R.1 
SI  V     on  the     Q 
waters      a       f 

siglins  ov  $ 
litening  J  Q  a» 
now  fish  4  <J 
for  frogs  V3  f 
<5  it  iz  hotter 
TiJJ  8  a  &  Andrew 
9  Jackson  iz  no 
more  n  it  raineth 
5  so  beets  6*  5 


HYACINTHS. 


I  hav  made  up  mi  mind  that 
human  hapness  konsists  in  having 
a  good  deal  to  do,  and  then  keep 
a  doing  it 


Vanity  iz  az  common  to  the 
human  family,  az  fleas  iz  to  a  dog, 
and  makes  them  just  about  az 
oneazy. 


The  man  who  kant  enjoy  enny- 
thing  but  flattery,  iz  az  bad  oph 
az  the  one  who  kant  drink  enny- 
thing  but  whiskey. 


A  true  friend  iz  one  who  aint 
afrade  to  tell  yu  ov  yure  faults. 


POLITENESS. 

What  a  man  kant  win  in  this  world  bi  politeness  aint 
worth  having.  Politeness  iz  just  as  natrul  az  fun  iz,  and 
iz  the  cheapest  way  to  git  a  living  i  kno  ov.  It  haz  made 
more  friends  than  enny  thing  else  ever  haz,  and  haz 
kept  them  longer.  It  dont  kost  enny  more  to  be  polite 
than  it  duz  to  be  happy,  and  enny  man  iz  a  phool  who 
kant  be  either,  if  he  iz  a  mind  to.  I  hav  known  it  to 
sukceed  whare  every  thing  else  had  failed,  and  i  never 
knu  it  to  fail,  whare  it  undertook  to  sukceed.  It  iz  az 
eazy  to  apply  az  the  "  poor  mans  plaster,"  and  it  will  all- 
wus  stik  whare  it  iz  stuk.  Next  to  honesty,  politeness  iz 
queen  bee  in  the  hive,  and  the  man  who  iz  thoroly  hon 
est  and  thoroly  polite,  haz  nothing  to  fear,  or  hope  for. 
Politeness,  without  honesty,  iz  a  good  deal  risk}',  but 
sumtimes  the  wust  we  kan  call  it  iz,  "a  pleazant  fraud." 


2    FAKTS. 

The  best  abuzed  woman  ov  the  igth  century  iz  the 
average  mother  in  law. 


One  ov  the  most  perfekt  viktorys  yu  kan  achieve  over 
enny  man,  iz  to  beat  him  in  politeness. 


31  Days. 
1 4 


JULY. 


1875. 


o.  55 


O> 


p  them  away  to  the  ttashun, 
Whare  both  are  krestf  alien  and  meek, 
And  after  a  lektur  onfiteing, 

Tlu  kids  are  discharged  by  the  "  beak.'; 


15 
16 

17 

18 


M 


\V 


23 
24 
25 
26 

27 

28 
29 
3° 


M 


W 


Billings  Log. 


Expekt  grate  /a  Ijt 
S      $     hotness 
f     now  snaix     X 
•  are  ©  slippery  o 
thunder    &•     s 
n      0     mixt  with 
fi  ^   litening  6*  <? 
Hank  Ketchum    T 
0  ii  T  born  1803 
n/V  S   hotter   <r  Q 
Hank  Ketchum   S 
waz  single     A  &• 
5      0     more  hotly 
Hank      <5      9      0 
>X     4        Ketchum 
£     parted  hiz    © 
hare  in  the     £      S 
tf      &*     middle 
sum      ^*      3P 
1?     ii    litening  # 
about  theze      ^ 
V    J?      daze    :: 
D     mad  dogs  8 
?    heard  ov    (o) 
[!jl]    6-    less  hot 
now  destroy  W    y 
grass  for  hay  2 
sighns  ov  thunder  <a 
3^2  honesty  iz 
the  best  policy  V  qa 


TUBE  KOSES. 


He  who  expekts  to  be  praized 
every  time  he  duz  a  virtewous 
thing  will  soon  git  tired  ov  the 

bizzness. 


When  people  loze  their  prop 
erty  they  generally  loze  every 
thing  else,  in  the  estimashun  ov 
the  world,  except  their  faults  and 


It  iz  the  eazyest  thing  in  natur 
to  be  honest,  but  most  men  make 
dredphull  hard  work  ov  it. 


A  good  deal  ov  buty,  and  a 
good  deal  ov  sense,  are  seldum 
found  together. 


EGG    NOGG. 

Thare  iz  no  fluid  known  to  mortal  man,  that  haz  got  more 
bakbone,  and  less  tangle  leg,  in  a  quart  ov  it,  than  good, 
old  1776,  Egg  Nogg.  Our  grand  dads  drank  it  fluently, 
and  thankt  the  Lord,  az  it  meandered  sjoly  down  their 
thruts.  It  iz  bill  out  ov  sider,  and  fresh  egg,  and  iz  az 
phull  ov  fun,  and  innosense,  az  a  kittens  tail  Enny  man 
who  haz  moral  skruples  about  drinking  a  glass  ov  fresh 
made  egg  nogg,  had  better  git  hiz  morality  insured  aginst 
acksidents  at  once,  for  he  iz  in  danger  ov  having  hiz  mo 
rality  kompletely  eradikated  from  the  face  ov  the  earth. 
Morality  that  kant  stand  egg  nogg,  iz  a  weak  sister.  I 
luv  egg  nogg,  and  hope  i  allwuss  shall.  I  kant  tell  yu  now 
when  egg  nogg  waz  fust  diskovered,  nor  who  the  lucky 
kritter  waz  who  fust  found  it  out,  but  i  would  giv  15  dol 
lars  at  least  to  know  that  it  waz  one  ov  mi  ansesstors.  I 
am  orphull  proud  ov  the  anshunt  Billing1  es  and  enny 
glory  that  fluktuates  around  them,  kind  ov  circumambiates 
around  me.  This  may  look  like  weakness  in  me,  but  it 
iz  natur,  and  i  dont  beleav  in  allwuss  snubbing  natur.  I 
say  let  yure  natur  kind  ov  go  it,  onst  in  a  while. 


SUM  OPINYUNS. 

Mi  experience  in  life  thus  far  haz  been,  that  7,  wont 
go  into  5,  and  hav  mutch  ov  ennything  left  over. 


I  hav  herd  lies  so  well  told  that  a  man  would  allmost 
be  a  phool  not  to  beleave  them. 


31  pays. 


AUGUST. 


At  liberty  now  out  they  stamper, 
But  before  their  days  work  they  renew, 

Our  hero  remarks  to  hit  rival, 
"  Tommorow,  I'll  take  kare  ovyu." 


1875. 


z  ? 

•> 
•5 


14 

15 

16 

17 
18 


M 


W 


!  23 
24 
25 
26 

27 
28 
29 
3° 
3i 


M 


Billings  Log. 


Big  heat    Si    now 
t   hunt  K>  for  cool 
places  <}  thunder  & 
g    and  litening    <a 
mixt  $  salamanders 
{i:y  diskovered  849 
heat  waxes    T    h 
<9  in  Adam's  sin  O 
O  we  all  jined  in  O 
expekt  sudden  S  U 
2    W    rain  about 
theze  daze     W    S 
Phil  Sherman  S>  x 
A    ^      born   1756 
y&     t      ®   heat 
grows     2    6»    IP 
£2    heaty  '  W* 
Phil  Sherman  S  $ 
HI   <J    0     waz  a 
hard-shell    !F    2 
©    babtist    $ 
S    whew  I    IP" 
how     ft     i},     8 
!®~  Q     hot 
it  am    7      o      ft 
Q    t\\    now    A   Q 
dig    O    n   17 
Of    Jgi    S     for  ice 
bileing     jj(  i^  Q 
S    hot     <f  A 


CARNASHUNS. 


When  the  vice  and  virtew  in  a 
man  iz  about  haff  and  haff,  he 
wants  az  mutch  cluss  watching  az 
a  bile  duz  when  it  iz  cumming  to 
a  bed. 


We  are  allwuss  sure  to  think 
just  az  other  pholks  do,  provided 
they  think  just  az  we  do. 


Make  yureself  necessary  yung 
man,  and  yure  suckcess  iz  sertain. 


Everyboddy  applauds  a  virtew- 
ous  ackshun,  even  the  Devil  him 
self  admires  it. 


FAITH. 

Faith  iz  the  right  bower  ov  hope.  If  it  want  for  faith 
thare  would  be  no  living  in  this  world,  we  couldn't  even 
eat  hash  with  enny  safety.  Human  knolledge  iz  very 
short,  and  dont  reach  but  a  little  ways,  and  even  that  lit 
tle  ways  iz  twilite,  but  faith  lightens  up  the  road,  so  that 
we  kan  see  to  read  the  letterings  on  the  mile  stuns  az  we 
travel.  Faith  has  won  more  viktorys  than  all  the  other 
pashuns  Ov  the  harte  put  together,  for  faith  iz  one  ov 
them  kind  ov  warriors  that  dont  kno  when  she  is  whipt. 
But  faith  iz  no  milk  sop,  but  a  live  fighter,  she  dont  set 
down  and  gro  stupid  with  resignashun,  and  git  weak  with 
the  buty  ov  her  attributes,  but  she  is  the  heroine  ov  a 
forlorn  hope.  I  think  now  if  i  couldn't  hav  but  one  ov 
the  moral  attributes  i  would  take  it  all  in  Faith,  and  tho*i 
mite  make  sum  fust  rate  blunders,  i  would  do  a  rushing 
bizzness  amung  the  various  kinds  ov  dri  bones  that  iz 
lieing  around  loose  in  the  world.  Faith  haz  allwus  been 
one  ov  the  best  holts  ov  the  Billings  family,  from  the  daze 
ov  Noah,  down  to  now. 


HOW  IZ   THIS? 

Experience  ackts  on  sum  pholks  vitals  just  az  it  duz 
on  a  bull  tarrier,  he  dont  fairly  git  over  one  whipping 
before  he  begins  to  look  around  for  another. 


The  vulgar  allwuss  notiss  everything  they  see. 


30  Days.              SEPTEMBER.                        1875. 

4) 

1     ^ 

'ti>  )  _J$k  '  ''  jiSto^'V-' 

&     © 

%^c1i^i?i  IH^/^Nl 

r* 

I- 

:^^- 

®  je 

in   <». 
J     S 

--^]ff^  ^UP^- 

Gt 

5     1 

He  meets  with  a  smoothfaced  old  villain, 

|     § 

Who  ov  a  bad  stamp  would  git  free. 

O»  3 

But  the  boy  twiddles  hiz  fingers,  and  set. 

"  Yu  kant  hunt  that  ere  over  me." 

Q 

is. 

Billings  Log. 

SWEET  WILLIAMS. 

I 

w" 

T  4  Mild  3  D. 

Bashfullness  iz  often  like   the 

2 

3 

4 

T 
F 
S 

and  slik  T  £1  A  § 
Zip  Coon   /J  [§] 
r   V3     died   1822 

plating  on  spoons,  when  it  wears 
off,  it  shows  the  brass. 

5 

G 

*&     tender     $    $ 

6 

M 

winds    T   9    TT 

^ 

7 

T 

S    V    Zip  waz 

8 
9 

W 
T 

a  coloured    «»     O 
§.*.|    brother     W 

Lerning  pays  a  better  interest 

10 

F 

mello  rain     y    ,Q 

than  munny  duz,  besides  the  prin- 

ii 

12 

S 
G 

6    3  put  not  yure 

sipal  never  gits  lost. 

trust  in      W    j. 

13 

M 
T 

JL   T    members  ov 

15 

W 

"1  T  the  legislator 

16 

T 

more  mello    3*  12 

I? 

F 

rain      $    jj     now 

Abuv  all  things,  lern  yure  child 

18 

S 

K(    consume     2 

to  be  honest  and  industrious;  if 

19 

20 
21 
22 

G 

M 
T 
W 

$  T   $    oysters 
perhaps  ram,    W  a 
®    3    perhaps  not 
go  slo     S     f     $ 

theze  two  things  dont  enable  him 
to  make  a  figger  in  this  world,  he 
iz  only  a  cypher,  and  never  waz 

23 

T 

fl  expekt  frost     <a 

intended  for  a  figger. 

24 

F 

0     c      now  hunt 

25 

S 

for  fleas     8    V  3 

op 

26 

G 

%  p  frost  last  $  /5 

27 
28 

29 

M 
T 
W 

night      *     r    3 
22  fleas  are  quicker 
than  a  ghost     SI   $ 

It  iz  so  natral  to  phind  fault, 
that  i  wonder  we  are  ever  suited 

3° 

T 

W  mild,  but  butiful 

with  ennything. 

EKONEMY. 

Ekonemy  iz  the  art  ov  allwuss  gitting  the  worth  ov  yure 
mutiny,  and  gitting  the  right  change  bak,  and  it  iz  also 
the  art  ov  making  10  cents,  once  in  a  while,  go  az  fur  az 
a  shilling.  It  iz  like  an  ear  fur  musik,  it  has  got  to  be 
born  the  same  time  yu  are,  or  not  at  all.  Yu  kant  larn 
an  extravagant  person  to  be  ekonomikal  enny  more  than 
yu  kan  learn  a  muskeeter  to  quit  eating,  when  he  haz 
got  enuff  Thiz  iz  funny,  but  it  iz  too  true  to  laff  at 
Ekonemy  iz  the  mother-in-law  ov  Prosperity,  and  she  iz 
one  ov  them  kind  ov  mother-in-laws  that  never  made 
enny  disturbanse  in  the  family.  Ekonemy  haz  made 
more  munny  in  this  world  than  spekulashun  ever  haz, 
and  thare  iz  another  thing  about  it,  she  allwuss  hangs  on 
to  it  Thare  iz  only  one  trubble  about  ekonemy,  it  sum- 
times  runs  into  avarice,  and  then  all  itz  buty  iz  destroyed. 
It  iz  better  to  be  a  spendthrift,  than 'a  mizer.  The  Bil 
lings  family  hav  allwuss  bin  noticed  in  history  for  their 
ekonemy.  Jericho  Billings,  one  ov  our  primevals,  kept 
the  same  pair  ov  boots  26  years,  but  he  wore  out  9  souls, 
and  5  pairs  ov  upper  leathers  in  the  meantime. 


HARK/ 

Cunning  men  are  like  a  hand  saw, — they  only  hav 
teeth  on  one  side  ov  them. 


Next  in  point  ov  meanness,  to  doing  a  man  an  injury, 
iz  to  do  him  a  favour,  and  every  now,  and  then,  remind 
him  ovit, 


31  Days. 

u 

i 

ijj  0 

ie 


OCTOBER. 


1875. 


Having  sold  out  hiz  paper t,  our  hero, 

To  some  cheap  liash  hous  stampers  away, 

And  after  he  calls  for  hiz  luncheon, 
He  reckons  his  gains  for  the  day. 


J3 

14 


16 


18 
r9 


M 


W 


23 
24 

25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3° 
3i 


M 


W 


Billings  Log, 


t§|  October  haz  ::: 
E§F"  31  days  _|[£J 
and  %  Q  nights 
iji  stiff  weather  ^ 
now  mutilate  ii  T 
<J  ?  apples  for  sider 

•  sharp  D  frost  $ 
about  ^  now  8   ^ 
cJ  X  Fred  Simmons 
TTJ,  born  ©  1694  O 
leaves  fall    A  *  £2 
^  S  Fred  Simmons 
played  the  Q  A  O 

T  If   bass  drum 
expekt     8      t     § 

9  ni  now  O 
slaughter  j  Tf, 

•  ip  cockroaches 
kondem     n    4    O 
Si      chilly     TIJ 
man  iz      f      a* 
yK     U     mortal    T 
sighns    rji     9      <J 
H      t     ov     9    9 

T    &    winter 
the  bull     ^      9 
f     frog  iz  hush   S 
pear    O  apples    S 
9   ^  n     nites     * 


ZMTSK.?,. 


It  waz  a  wize  phello  who  put 
on  hiz  spektickles  when  he  et 
strawberrys,  it  made  a  pint  go  az 
fur  az  a  quart. 


To  lie  about  a  man  never  hurts 
him,  but  to  tell  the  truth  about 
him  sumtimes  duz. 


When  the  weather  fair  iz  every- 
boddy  haz  got  an  umbreller  to 
lend. 


The  man  who  seeks  temtashun 
must  either  be  an  angell  or  a 
phool, — probably  a  phooL 


HAM,  AND  EGG. 

Thare  are  certain  things  in  this  world  that  seem  just  az 
tho  they  war  born  for  each  other,  and  ham,  and  egg,  are 
two  ov  them  things.  Altho  they  cum  from  quite  different 
lokalitys,  they  must  be  twins,  for  they  are  so  often  seen 
together.  If  i  kan  hav  all  the  ham,  and  egg  i  want,  kod- 
phish  bawls  may  tak  a  bak  seat  for  the  present.  Vittles 
and  drink  hav  allwuss  been  a  staple  artikle  with  human 
natur,  and  when  they  play  out,  i  am  reddy  to  quit.  Sum 
pholks  are  so  etherial  that  they  kan  liv  on  the  smell  ov 
biled  kabbage,  but  i  must  hav  a  chunk  ov  the  kabbage. 
Pholks  may  talk  about  ambrozial  nektar  az  mutch  az 
they  pleze,  they  kant  phool  me  with  enny  ov  thoze  kind 
ov  essences,  for  i  hav  lived  just  long  enuff  to  find  out, 
that  the  best  ov  society,  hav  got  to  hav  their  biled  vittles, 
kind  ov  reglar,  even  if  they  tak  them  on  the  sli,  or  they 
will  soon  peg  out.  Natur  is  natur,  and  she  will  hav  her 
ham,  and  egg.  Natur  iz  a  little  raw  once  in  a  while,  but 
she  allwuss  stands  up  for  her  rights,  and  tho  yu  may  de 
fraud  her,  yu  kant  kompromise  with  her.  Ham,  and  egg, 
was  a  bevarage  long  before  Noahs  freshet 


TAKE    NOTISS. 
Good  breeding  makes  all  kondishuns  ov  life  equal 


Anger  allwus  hurts  us  more  than  it  duz  the  other  phel- 
low  which  we  git  mad  at 


30  Days. 


NOVEMBER. 


1875. 


After  greedily  eatin  hit  luncheon^ 

He  liei  bak  and  snoozes  a  bit, 
And  when  nite  cums  you' II find  Aim  enjoying, 

A  seat  in  the  Bowery  pit. 


©    fl 
M 


W 


13 

M 
15 
16 

*7 
18 

19 

20 

21 
22 
23 
24 
25 
26 

27 
28 
29 
30 


M 


Billings  Log. 


I!!!    Winter  howls 
let  her      V3      V3 

ft     X   howl    } 
<J     who   n    kares 
grate  sno     fi     H 
G     Mrs.    Stebbins 
died  1818     V    O 

£      0     bitter 
kold     c5      «      4 

•$•  Mrs.  Stebbins 
took  snuff  fl  8 
O  ffl»  fj,  62  years 
more  kold  ®  as 
c?  now  mastikate 
O  sln.pj.ix  V)  0 
it  freezes  $  when 
®  the  kat  iz  ,»-  A 
away,  the  mice  «f 
will  play  A  ground 

froze  up  8  X 
now  hire  IJt  S 
8  &*  skool  moms 

ni  sno  a  ?  fa 
foot  deep  Tf  & 
•  *  W(  babes  in 
the  woods  *&  $ 
A  JD  lost  1614 
winter  iz  #  1J5  Tin 
8  D  here  g  fi 


SNO  DROPS. 


Gossip  iz  more  ketching  than 
the  meazles  iz. 


The  covetous  man  iz  like  a 
sponge,  it  takes  in  all  the  mois 
ture  that  cums  near  it,  but  lets 
out  none  until  it  iz  squeezed. 


Thare  iz  a  grate  menny  ginger- 
pop  people  in  this  world,  after 
they  hav  bin  uncorked  a  fu  min- 
nitts,  they  git  to  be  dredphul 
flatt. 


The  quickest  way  to  take  the 
starch  out  ov  a  man  who  iz  all- 
wuss  blameing  himself,  iz  to  agree 
with  him,  this  aint  what  he  iz 
looking  for. 


THE  PIS  SMI  RE. 

The  pissmire  iz  a  blak  bugg  about  23  times  az  big  az 
the  ant,  and  az  phull  ov  important  bizzness  az  the  chair 
man  ov  a  wimmins  rights  convenshun.  They  hav  thir 
teen  konsekutive  leggs  on  each  side  ov  their  boddys,  and 
allwuss  travel  on  the  run.  They  are  like  sum  men,  ever 
hunting  fur  sumthing  to  do,  but  never  was  known  to  find  it. 
I  hav  seen  them  travel  for  two  hours,  bakwards,  and  for 
wards,  and  not  git  3  feet  from  whare  they  started  from, 
stopping  every  now  and  then  to  listen.  The  pissmire  iz 
the  loafer  amung  bugs,  and  like  other  loafers,  livs  from 
hand  to  mouth.  Their  home  iz  a  hole  in  the  ground, 
but  call  on  them  az  often  az  yu  pleze,  yu  will  never  find 
them  in.  They  git  up  late,  and  go  to  bed  late,  and  are 
allwuss  hungry,  and  hollow.  They  are  az  lazy  az  mollas- 
sis  in  the  month  ov  Febuary,  and  az  useless  az  an  extra 
dog  in  a  family.  Pissmires  are  a  poor  speculashun,  i 
wouldn't  giv  50  cents  for  the  whole  krop. 


REFLECKSHVNS. 

If  yu  are  going  to  giv  a  man  enny  thing  giv  it  to  him 
cheerfully,  and  quick,  dont  make  him  git  down  on  hiz 
kneeze  in  front  ov  yu,  and  listen  to  the  10  command 
ments,  and  then  yu  giv  him  5  cents. 


The  man  who  is  allwuss  confessing  hiz  sins,  and  never 
quitting  them,  iz  the  most  onsartin  sinner  i  kno  ov. 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


1875. 


II 

"o   g 


I'll 

<y  2 


When  the  sensashun  drama  is  ended, 
Our  hero  remembers  with  pain, 

That  the  plczzures  ov  life  are  but  fleeting, 
And  he  goei  for  hiz  koal  box  again. 


W 


w 


W 


M 


W 


Billing's  Log. 


\^\  December  8 
hath  31  daze  8  $ 
$  Q  sum  kold  £D/^ 
now  arouze  y&  O 
S  0  $t*  fires 
merkury  10  belo  8 
f  a  spri  sixpence 
O  iz  better  than  ? 
a  T&  lazy  iQ  dime 
immense  sno  A  5 

<J     7?    now  pay 
the  printer    Q    & 
4  Sister  Perkins  a 
bom  iscx)     ^    B 
more     23     C"     2 
TT,    koldness     a 
Sister  Perkins    Jjt 
O  waz  a  femail  O 
lekturer  <f    kold 
V\h     increase*     O 
Sister  Perkins    9 
lektured  If  her  * 
O  husband  nites  H], 
dreary  winter  ©  V3 

'4  d»  o  iz  here 
farewell  my  n    A 
<f    O    darlings    fe 

look  for     0    "I 
a      (I)     me  next 

year    tft     .-•"• 


TIGER  LILYS. 


Thare-iz  in  sum  men  a  grate 
deal  ov  humor,  that  iz  like  the 
frolik  in  a  puppy,  dont  mean 
ennything  in  purtikular. 


Thare  iz  nothing  we  are  more 
apt  to  parade  before  others,  than 
our  kares  and  sorrows,  and  thare 
iz  nothing  the  world  kares  so  lit 
tle  about. 


Reason  often  makes  mistakes, 
but  conshience  never  duz. 


A  blush  kant  be  kounterfited. 


WHAT  THE  PAPERS  THINK. 

Josh  Billings'  Farmer's  "  Allminax"  has  come  again, 
it  is  as  welcome,  and  genial,  as  dew  to  the  parched 
earth. — London  Specklttator. 


It  is  joy  for  the  fireside,  it  is  rest  for  the  weary. — 
Newburyport  Guardian. 


Fresher,  fairer,  more  fertile,  and  funny  than  ever, 
may  its  sweet  face  look  in  upon  us  for  all  time,  delight- 
full  Josh  Billings'  "  Allminax,"  record  of  the  past,  bright 
promise  of  the  future. — Savannah  Amarinth. 


How  crisp  !  how  tart ! — London  Queen. 
o 

Josh  Billings'  Farmer's  "Allminax"  is  a  bright  jewel  in 
the  current  literature  of  the  day. — Louisville  Dispatch. 


Bless  the  dear  little  waif,  we  love  it,  and  who  shall 
chide  us  for  loveing ! — Lady's  Journal. 


We  have  received  Mr.  Joshua  Billings'  Farmer's 
"  Allminax "  for  1876,  And  shall  notice  its  contents  at 
our  very  earliest  convenience. — Edinburgh  Review. 


It's  a  square  deal,  chuncky  and  smart— Texas  Blade. 


LATEST  NUZE. 

Dik  Blister  waz  arrested  yesterday  bi  offiser  Pinkerton 
for  trieing  tew  pass  a  counterfit  omnibuss,  on  a  50  cent 
driver,  ov  the  23'  street  line  ov  stages.     Held  for  exami- 
nashun. 
********** 

It  iz  sed  (but  not  offishall)  that  Mr.  &  Mrs.  Punchinello 
will  not  visit  the  white  mountains  next  season.  Their 
dauter  Betsey  Punchinello  iz  sed  tew  be  engaged  to  the 
Baron  Von  Chalk,  and  the  family  will  enter  seklushun  on 
this  ackount. 

********** 
A  writer  in  Blackvvood's  magazine  estimates  that  thare 
haint  been,  in  all,  over  200  fleas  killed  since  the  flood. 
********** 

On  dit,  that  Dick  Manchester  haz  quit  the  3  kard  monte 
bizzness,  and  iz  starring  it  legitimately,  at  Sing  Sing,  on  a 
2  years  engagement. 

********** 
We  are  pleased  tew  notiss  the  growing  popularity  ov  Mr. 
&  Mrs.  David  Jibboom,  their  respektibility  iz  now  fully 
established,  having  appeared  on  the  avenew  with  a  two 
hoss  carriage,  and  a  slitely  coloured  driver,  with  a  velvet 
hat  band,  and  two  rows  of  brass  buttons. 
********** 
The  latest  agony  in  poodles  iz  saffron,  with  steel  col 
oured  eyes. 
********** 

Matilda  O'Brigham,  four  days  in  her  last  place,  with  a 
karakter,  will  receive  proposals  at  her  residence  in  makrel 
row.  No  objekshuns  to  going  into  the  country  for  the 
summer  az  companyun  tew  a  lady  provided  suitable  ref 
erences  are  given.  Lessons  on  the  piano  will  be  taken 
instead  ov  the  usual  presents  expekted  from  the  family. 


THE    D  ONKE  Y. 

I  hav  watched  the  donkey  with  a  grate  deal  ov 
pashunt  anxiety.  They  are  about  3  foot  hi,  and  sum- 
thing  like  three  foot  six  inches  lengthwize.  They  hav  a 
normal  appetight,  and  will  eat  all  the  time,  and  more 
too.  They  aint  partikular  about  their  vittles,  and  will 
tri  hard  to  swallo  a  hoss  shu,  but  they  kant  do  it.  The 
donkey  iz  one  ov  naturs  jokes,  a  sort  ov  pun  on  a 
horse,  which  i  could  never  see  the  point  to.  They  are 
az  sett  in  their  ways,  az  a  gate  post,  and  are  the. 
only  live  things  that  are  too  mutch  for  a  klub.  They 
will  stand  more  pounding  than  a  sheaf  ov  wet  oats, 
without  shelling  out.  The  donkey  haz  2  ears,  and 
only  i  tale,  and  the  ears  are  to  the  rest  ov  their  boddy, 
like  two  steeples  to  a  church.  The  donkey  iz  a  sober, 
and  misterious  kuss.  Fairwell  yu  sad,  and  thinking 
kritter,  i  may  never  again  rite  yure  memoirs,  but 
whether  I  dont,  or  do,  I  shall  allways  respekt  yu,  az 
a  donkey,  that's  all.  Az  a  cluss  studdy,  the  donkey  iz 
az  full  ov  interest,  az  a  mile  stun,  with  the  letterings  all 
worn  oph.  Donkeys  will  liv  forever,  or  thareabouts, 
and  retain  their  buty,  and  intelligence  to  the  last. 
Adew  you  graven  image,  you  solid  one,  adew  1 


PONDER. 

To  lie  about  a  man  never  hurts  him,  but  to  tell  the 
truth  about  him  sumtimes  duz. 


I  think  it  iz  good  taste,  and  also  good  judgement, 
when  a  man  prays  for  the  sins  ov  the  people,  that  he 
should  count  himself  in. 


V 


So 


yc 


31  Days. 


JANUARY. 


1876. 


%  * 


OS 


John  Simpson  waz  a  bachelor. 

Ov  forty,  perhaps  ov  forty-three, 
With  the  dispepshy  onto  him, 

Wuss  than  enny  man  yu  ever  see. 


£'i 


0 


M 

16 

»7 
18 

19 


M 


W 


23 
24 

25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3o 


M 


W 


M 


Short  Fakts. 


o>  Mutch  kold  3 
mares  nest  f%* 
diskovered  1810  § 
If  now  keep  cool  | 
S>  A  Ben  Butler 
iz  a  lawyer  $  ttj. 
£T  less  koldly  E 
sarch  ***  for  H 
dF"  ice  ^  expekt 
tV«  sum  •  D 
inkrease  Q  £  ov 
f  weather  §*§ 
Flora  Temple  & 
7  x  could  + 
trot  fast  r-  §  — , 
£r  more  koldfull  ! 
Job  Perkins  ^  f 
<a  *  kreated  *  rtfa 
3  A  1264  x  (2) 
kold  rather  It),  f 
?Vi  O  waxes 
S  O  Job  *a  3 

Perkins     , ,    * 

S  |  *  loved  K; 
onions  -*-  Tf 
,— !!  now  is  the  !!-~, 
winter  ov  q  £ 
|  |  our  diskontent 
\  J  examine  *  |  * 
vg1  +  yure  geese 


STROKE  OARS. 


Pashunce  iz  a  good  thing  for  a 
man  to  hav,  but  when  he  haz  got 
so  mutch  ov  it,  that  he  kan  fish 
all  day,  over  the  side  of  a  boat, 
without  enny  bait  on  hiz  hook, 
lazyness  iz  what's  the  matter  ov 
him. 


Pills  will  sumtimes  refuze  to 
akt  on  the  liver,  but  sawing  wood 
never  will. 


When  i  waz  20  i  knew  twice  az 
mutch  az  i  do  now,  and  the  way 
things  are  going  on,  if  i  should 
liv  to  be  75,  i  dont  expekt  to  kno 
nothing. 


Thare  iz  no  radikal  kure  for 
lazyness,  but  starvashun  will  cum 
the  nearest  to  it. 


THE  VEGATABEL  BITTERS  MAN. 

Whenever  a  man  gits  ded  broke,  and  kant  think  ov 
nothing  to  raze  a  breeze  with,  and  hiz  uncle  wont  hav 
him  boarding  at  hiz  house  enny  more,  and  the  heels  ov 
hiz  boots  hav  knawed  the  bottom  ov  his  pantaloons  all 
off,  he  takes  rubarb  root,  and  a  fu  katnip  blossoms,  and 
sum  tan  bark,  and  sokes  them  for  14  hours  in  sum 
cheap  whiskey,  and  goes  hedlong  into  the  liver  reno 
vating  bizzness.  He  plasters  every  fence,  saw  mill 
log,  stun  wall,  and  cow's  back,  from  Portland  Maine  to 
Stockton  Californy,  with  red,  and  yello  hand  bills, 
offering  to  heal  the  halt,  make  the  blind  talk,  and  the 
deaf  see,  and  renew  the  inside,  and  outside,  ov  all 
kreashun,  for  a  dollar  apd  twenty  five  cents  a  bottle. 
He  takes  rooms  at  sum  fust  klass  hotel,  drives  8  in 
hand,  and  never  iz  seen,  only  on  the  jump.  He  iz  az 
full  ov  bizzness  az  a  deputy  superintendant  ov  a  Sunday 
skool,  on  a  piknik  day,  and  call  on  him  when  yu  will,  to 
kollekt  yure  little  bill  ov  7  dollars,  he  haz  just  left  for 
Baltimore,  or  wont  be  home  from  Nu  Orleans,  untill 
week  after  next.  Theze  men  are  not  all  ov  them  un- 
skrupulous,  they  are  kunning  kritters,  who  hav  found 
out,  that  mankind  to  be  happy,  must  be  cheated. 


PA  UZE. 

It  iz  the  prudes  in  this  world  that  need  the  most 
watching,  coquets  are  too  kareless  to  be  dangerous. 


Most  men  are  like  a  hop  vine,  if  they  dont  hav  sum 
kind  ov  a  pole  to  klimb,  and  then  stik  to  it,  they  wont 
promulgate  mutch  hops. 


29  Days.                  FEBRUARY.                         1876. 

| 

*W?*/ 

1 

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0  j? 

s  ® 

J>'«/«  friend  told  John  to  travel, 

or 

.a 

Twelve  miles  on  the  jump  each  day, 

y 

f*i 
I 

Before  he  et  enny  brekfasst, 

1 

d» 

And  not  loiter  upon  the  way. 

T? 

* 

Short  Fakts. 

FfGGER  HEDS. 

i 

T 

Dern  kold     2    the 

2 

VV 

kockroach  haz  no 

Kats  are  very  humble,  espesh- 

3 

T 

sting  E3^~  prepare 

ily  just  after  they  hav  committed 

4 

F 

for  more        —  '|'  — 

sum  nu  kind  ov  deviltry. 

S 

S 

^     ,§*     weather 

6 

G 

Bonaparte  fit    \  —  \ 

503  

7 

M 

§     for  a  living     :J: 

8 

T 
W 

sighns  *  ov  *  wind 

The  man  who  iz  allwuss  tricing 

9 
to 
ii 

12 

T 
F 

S 

now  sing  sams 
Jake  ,  1   Turner 
departed    A     1830 
J&    u     snowy     |J| 

to  kreate  a  sensashun,  will  git  so 
pretty  soon,  that  he  kant  kreate 
even  a  disturbance. 

I3 

Jake  Turner  *     S 

14 

!-?-!    waz  a     "}f 

iO° 

15 

T 

c-o-n-s-t-a-b  -1-e 

16 

VV 

,  —  it  duz  Tf  snow-U, 

If  yu  want  to  git  a  fust 

klass 

i? 

18 

F 

O  3        now 

situashun   in    sum   alms    house, 

19 

S 

slay  hogs         ;(); 

giv   all    yure   property  to 

yure 

20 
21 

G 
M 

Tttt     []     for    pock 
lessly    —  11—    cold 

children  before  yii  die. 

22 

T 

Washington       rt^ 

—  —  «»— 

23 

W 

•J?   f::]  could  §"§ 

24 

T 

S  not  lie  TH.  wind 

Thare's  lots   ov   men   in 

this 

25 
26 

27 
28 

F 
S 
G 

M 

more  fluktuous 
expekt  visitors     Q) 
X?  snow  —  squally 
now  munch      J-v] 

world   that    are   like   a  rooster, 
take  the  cockade,  and  spurs  off 
from  them,  and  yu  couldn't.hard- 

29 

T 

D     Q     Y    slapjax 

ly  tell  them  from  a  hen. 

THE    KRO  W. 

I  hav  written  sevral  very  poplar  obituary  notisses  ov 
the  krow,  but  find  that  i  hav  stated  a  good  deal  about 
them  that  wazn't  jist  so,  and  left  unsed  mutch  that  waz 
true.  The  krow  iz  az  cunning  az  a  Tombs  lawyer,  and 
just  about  az  mutch  ov  a  ded  beat.  Yu  kant  ketch  one 
in  a  trap,  and  if  you  should,  yu  could  not  bile  one  in  a 
pot,  soft  enuff  to  eat,  in  3  weeks.  A  tame  krow,  and  a 
civilized  injun,  may  be  a  moral  triumph  on.  the  face  ov 
it,  but  when  yu  cum  to  examine  the  other  side  ov  it,  yu 
will  find  that  yu  hav  overdid  the  bizzness.  If  all  the 
krows,  and  injuns,  in  this  world  were  tame  and,  civilized, 
yu  could  bid  fairwcll  to  all  other  manuel,  and  mental 
labor,  and  spend  all  yure  time,  and  talents,  studying  the 
pesky,  infernal  kritters.  Krows  assemble  in  the  fall  ov 
the  year,  30  thousand  ov  them,  or  more,  in  council,  and 
appoint  their  deakons  for  the  following  year.  At  this 
grate  kawkuss,  rezolushuns  ov  a  inflamitory  natur  are 
passed,  darning  the  farmers  for  putting  up  skare  krows 
in  the  kornfields,  plans  are  laid  for  next  years  stealings, 
and  each  krow  swopping  wives,  the  meeting  dissemi 
nates,  and  the  krows  fii  away. 


HOLD  I 

Dont  keep  but  one  dog,  no  one  but  a  pauper  kan 
afford  to  keep  three. 


If  yu  are  going  to  make  amuzements  a  stiddy  bizz 
ness,  ketching  flies  iz  az  good  az  enny. 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


1876. 


I 

of 
I 

eg* 


John  heard  next  that  dieting, 

Waz  the  only  thing  'twould  hurt  At'int 

Liv  on  a  Jill  of  soup  a  day, 

And  they  offered  to  insure  him. 


M 


W 


M 


W 


Short  Fakti. 


Windy  SI  winds  A 
9  Congress  gits 
together  23  [  T 
now  C  look  out 
3  O  for  wind 
watch  hens  Sf  • 

n    for  eggs    9 
Q  wind  more  CS  so 

Frank  Dutcher 
appeared    1742     S 
3    wind   howls  Q 
iti  6  Frank  e  flfa 

D-u-t-c-h-e-r 
3s  Til  was  0  "3  * 
failure     -^     ~    HI 

wind  9  shouts 
U  now  !  ask  # 
k!o!n!u!md!r'.u!m!s 
<J  g  windy  ft  # 
William  at  Penn 
X  -H-  waz  a  V3  8 
quaker  *£,  o  Q) 

^y      wind     A 
frackshus  T    $    A 
^3B~  now   h  u  n.t 
weazels    •     fa    o 
^T        wind         3 
more  south       : ; 
H    (5    "E  than  it 
(w)  (a)  (z)    •     V 


FRONT     TEETH. 


Wize  men  sumtimes  bild  air 
kastles  just  for  the  fun  ov  the 
thing,  it  iz  only  the  phools  who 
bild  them,  and  then  undertake  to 
liv  in  them. 


I  hav  seen  folks  who  waz  vio 
lently  oppozed  to  gambling,  sim 
ply  bekauze  they  had  found  out 
that  they  couldn't  win. 


I  notiss  one  thing,  when  a  man 
stubs  his  toe  he  cussess  all  krea- 
shun  fust,  then  the  toe,  but  never 
himself. 


Dont  change  yure  bait  mi  boy, 
if  yu  are  ketching  fish  with  angle 
worms — stik  to  the  worms. 


THE    KROTON   BUG. 

The  kroton  bug  are  dirty  blak  kusses,  without  enny 
pedigree,  and  ov  ho  more  use  than  an  extra  fli  in  a 
plate  ov  soup.  They  hang  around  wet  and  damp 
places,  and  are  all  the  time  either  going  in,  or  comeing 
out,  ov  every  krak  in  that  naborhood.  Thare  iz  no  be- 
gining,  nor  end,  to  their  number,  and  if  yu  bore  a  hole 
with  a  gimblet,  enny  whare  near  a  plug  basin,  the  next 
day  the  krotons  will  be .  az  thick  around  it,  az  tho  a  nu 
3  cent  gin  mill  had  just  been  opened  thare.  What  they 
hv  on  no  naturalist  knows,  or  dassent  tell,  and  yu  kant 
git  rid  ov  them,  enny  more  than  you  kan  skare  the  flies 
out  ov  a  sugar  hogshed,  by  hollering  at  them.  They 
are  allwuss  on  the  move  like  a  grasshopper,  but  what  they 
are  about,  or  would  like  to  hav,  they  kant  even  tell 
them  selfs.  Thare  iz  a  powder  advertized  which  they 
say  will  klean  the  kroton  bugs  all  out  ov  the  house  in  4 
days.  I  am  no  gambler,  but  i  will  give  the  powder  7 
days  the  start,  and  then  bet  on  the  bugs.  Thare  is  only 
one  sure  way  to  git  the  krotons  out  ov  a  house,  burn 
up  the  house  and  let  a  strong  east  wind  bio  the  ashes 
away. 


D  WELL. 

The  devil  allwuss  keeps  the  gide  boards  that  lead  to 
hiz  dominions,  fresh  painted,  and  in  good  order. 


I  never  knu  a  man  yet  who  waz  allwuss  watching  hi* 
helth,  to  die  enny  whare  near  az  soon  az  he  expekted  to. 


30  Days.                     APRIL,                              1876. 

A 

5l 

^r-«"—  *  1 

'I 

:\  /££*£/ 

'S. 

T) 

S\              I          jvft'.nlS'  I 

WS 

Q* 

*1 

1 

" 

For  two  years  jfohn  lived  on  nothing, 

ir 

And  walkt  like  a  ghost  on  a  raid, 

s 

'  Till  he  lookt  like  the  piktur  aouv, 

y 

Which  host  us  a  "  V  "  to  hav  made. 

O 

© 

Short  Fakts. 

HED  LIGHTS. 

i 

2 

S 

G 

G  ft  It  rains  X  23 
bright    &     and    9 

Dont  never  trust  a  man  at  the 

3 

M 

butiful      O      let 

rate  ov  50  cents  on  a  dollar,  —  if 

4 

T 

Q)  Q  her  rain  a  /B 

yu  kant  kohfide  in  him  at  par, 

5 

VV 

now  stik  in   lettiss 

let  him  slide. 

6 

T 

Q  sum  in,  «5>  moreO 

7 

F 

Q          rain        fg* 

009— 

8 

S 

now  ffl  the  fi   frog 

9 
10 

G 
M 

t  squeals    &  wet  % 
.^£1  day  "5JT    8    ffl 

I  dont  kno  which  iz  the  biggest 

ii 

T 

Joab  1  O  Mitchell 

phool,  the  man  who  kan  spend 

12 

VV 

Tltt  died   1769  * 

two  hours  bragging  about  himself, 

'3 

T 

mizzling  wet    $    -H- 

or  the  one  who  kan  sit  pashuntly 

»4 

F 

O  t  =  Joab  loved 

and  listen  to  him. 

15 

S 

old  cider  ^  wind 

16 

G 

M 

southy  A  o   about 

gp 

now  ~  ~3   VS  rtfa 

18 
'9 

20 

T 

w 

T 

ffl  thrust  in  arly  3 
peas  "$"  0  Jll  moist 
but  S  wet  $  ©  A 

It  iz  very  diffikult  for  a  man  to 
change  his  pollyticks,  or  hiz  reli 

21 

22 

F 

s 

ekonemy    is   welth 

gion,  without  being  suspekted  ov 

2* 

G 

23    SI  it   rains    T 

having  very  little  ov  either. 

O 

24 

M 

Daniel    Webster 

T^ 

T 

U  3  knu  law  fi   • 

,  COT 

26 

VV 

it    J  —  $    drizzles 

27 

,o 

T 

F 

non  est  $)£•    n   Q) 

The  two  bizzyest  persons    in 

AO 
2O 

s 

con-fab-u-lus"     § 

this  world   about  nothing, 

iz  a 

7 
30 

G 

o  :~.  « 

country  gossip,  and  a  June 

bug. 

THE  KUNTRY  SKOOL  MOM. 

The  kuntry  skool  mom  iz  allwuss  about  23  years,  and 
six  months  old,  and  remains  rite  thare  for  a  term  ov 
years.  She  wears  her  hair  either  kut  short,  or  hanging 
around  in  ringlets,  and  iz  az  precise  in  every  thing,  az  a 
pair  ov  Fairbanks'  improved  platform  skales.  She  never 
laffs  out  loud,  and  seldum  even  smiles,  but  when  she 
duz,  she  duz  it  ackording  to  the  rules  laid  down  by 
Murray,  for  speaking,  and  pronouncing,  the  English 
language  propperly.  She  iz  the  very  oil  ov  propriety, 
and  would  rather  be  four  years  behind  the  fashions  in 
bonnetts,  than  to  spell  a  word  wrong,  or  parse  a  sen 
tence  inkorrektly.  The  kuntry  skool  mom  seldum  dies 
an  old  maid,  she  gits  marrid  to  sum  man  who  haz  less 
laming  than  she  haz,  and  he  thinks  (az  he  ought  to) 
that  thare  aint  another  sutch  a  Jarnt  woman  az  hiz  wife 
.iz,  in  all  kreashun.  With  all  her  precise  foolishness  i 
luv,  and  respekt,  the  kuntry  skool  mom,  she  taut  me 
mi  letters,  and  larnt  me  how  to  spel,  she  waz  pashunt 
while  i  waz  stupid,  she  sootned  me  when  i  waz  frack- 
shus,  and  she  often  (good  soul)  giv  me  a  titbit  from  her 
luncheon  at  noo,n  time.  May  Heaven  bless,  and  com- 
fort  her,  for  she  iz  poorly  paid,  and  iz .  stepmother  to 
every  boddys  yung  ones. 


STOP. 

A  man  will  liv  longer  on  onions,  and  abuse,  than  on 
enny  other  a  things  i  kno  ov. 


Yung  man,  mark  yure  goose  up  hi,  two  thirds  ov  the 
world  hav  no  other  idea  of  value,  only  by  the  price  that 
iz  put  onto  things. 


31  Days. 


MAY. 


1876. 


Johnny  then  bought  a  hard  trotter, 
And  rode  himself  weak  az  a  rag, 

Then  sold  him  for  ig  dollars. 
Just  hajf  that  he  gave  for  the  nag. 


M 


VV 


13 
14 
15 
16 

17 
18 

'9 


M 


W 


23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3° 


M 


W 


V   Hoss  radish  3 
haz  cum    8     O     D 
wind  south-east 
«      *      *       3 
— v — grindstuns — v — 
diskovered   •  1714 
f    S  wet   showers 
Ralph  Goodo     £f 
S3  A  e>  born  1109 
mild     but     plezant 

ss  9  * 

^  5  Ralph  S  O 
loved  &  £?  sassage 
3  prepare  ttfa 
for  nice  9  O  A 

^  weather  rji 
man  waz  J  "3  T  ± 
kreated  1  a  3  little 

lower  than  the 
U   angells%and   8 
haz  been  K  ^  T$ 

TU,     gitting     W 
a  ^  little  B  lower 

•  ever  since     • 
now    «,     O   insert 
K  S  arly  corn  Q  tf 
SSO  Pharaoh  felln 
warm  0)  ~   K    <5 

*  1TE  5  S  into  the 
red  see  t  V3  t)fc 


WEATHER  COCKS. 


Thare  iz  now  and  then  a  fool 
so  well  bred  that  he  is  really 
quite  endurable. 


Gossip  that  iz  travelling  around 
loose  iz  a  lie,  or  will  be,  bi  the 
time  it  haz  changed  hands  once 
more. 


I  wrote  5  years  just  for  glory, 
and  met  with  sum  glory,  but 
when  i  asked  for  pay,  every  bod- 
dy  found  out  at  once,  that  i  waz 
a  kussid  phool. 


Thare  iz  lots  ov  pholks  who  if 
they  should  miss  their  morning 
paper  wouldn't  kno  mutch  ov 
enny thing  for  that  day 


THE    RED    CURRANT 

Next  to  the  apple,  for  every  day  wear,  cums  the  red 
currant.  They  are  allmost  az  necessary,  and  common, 
for  sweetmeats,  in  all  well  regulated  familys,  az  hash  iz 
for  brekfasst.  They  gro  on  a  low  bush,  and  they  gro  so 
thick,  that  yu  couldn't  stik  another  one  on,  without 
knocking  off  two.  They  are  about  the  size  ov  a  dubble 
B  shot,  and  when  they  are  ripe,  are  az  red  az  the  eye  of 
a  wild  pigeon.  They  are  az  sour  az  the  blood  ov  a 
lemon,  but  plenty  ov  sugar  kures  them  ov  this  malady. 
Currants  are  good  green,  ripe,  and  haff  ripe,  and  are 
cheaper  than  herring,  and  not  haff  so  full  of  bones. 
Thare  iz  a  grate  menny  things  i  had  rather  do,  in  a  hot 
day,  than  pik  currants  but  i  hav  dun  it  all  day,  when  i 
waz  a  boy,  and  got  a  ninepence  at  night  for  the  job.  I 
am  more  than  haff  a  century  old  now,  but  i  kan  look 
bak  and  see  just  how  brite,  and  how  big,  one  ov  them 
ninepences  used  to  be.  A  hundred  dollars  aint  haff  so 
mutch  munny  now,  az  they  waz  then.  I  wish  i  waz  a 
boy  agin,  and  knu  ov  life  what  i  kno  now,  i  would  bind 
miself,  if  I  could  allwuss  be  a  boy,  to  pik  currants  for  a 
ninepence  a  day,  az  long  az  the  currants  held  out. 


REFLEKT 

A  jealous  man  iz  allwuss  anxious  to  beleave  what  he 
doubts  the  most 


Too  grate  a  luv  ov  popularity  makes  a  munky  ov  a 
man. 


30  Days. 


JUNE. 


Vrf  years  fohn  spent  hunting  tonickst 
He  drank  all  the  kitres  in  the  land, 
And  lost  to  mutch  flesh  he  wat  forced 
To  hold  tip  hiz  pants  with  each  hand1. 


1876. 


w- 


M 


W 


M 


13 
14 
'5 
16 

17 
18 

19 


W 


M 


VV 


24 
25 

26 

27 
28 

29 
30 


M 


W 


Short  Fakts. 


Sighns  ov  warm- 
ness  S  O  A  Ruth 

Comstok  born 
O    8    1786    A     •$• 

8  Ruth  Comstok  3 
had  the  \  dispepshy 

£?  more  rain    O 
23   A     now  expekt 
licening  rod  s=     9 

Til      3      venders 
J;  hot  but  wet  :$ 
§  June  bugs  T  O 
ft   ¥    3«  have  cum 
more  heat  •   ±  •$ 

Mark  jfr   Twain 

P  is  a  funny  kuss  t 
expekt  hotness  jyi 
ft  8  now  bury  ~ 
potatoes  K  0  V3 
O  23  not  so  warm 
«  Old  Grimes  rii 
U  ded  ®  "if  ft 
hunt  J  for  A  frogs 
'Ss  hind  legs  £. 
thunder  and  •  -3 
O  O  litening 
ft  thare  iz  a  (J 

divinity  shapes 
o   our  ends  ^r  Q) 


TOP   KNOTS. 


He  who  elevates  hiz  profeshun 
iz  the  best  mechanik,  whether  he 
preaches  the  gospel,  peddles  phis- 
ick,  or  skins  eels  for  a  living. 


Lazyness  iz  a  terrible  burden 
to  carry,  and  it  iz  one  ov  them 
kind  ov  burdens  that  yu  kant 
dump,  if  you  want  to  ever  so 
mutch. 


It  aint  no  disgrace  for  a  man  to 
fall,  but  to  lay  thare,  and  grunt, 


An  old  man  desperately  in  luv 
iz  an  objekt  ov  pitty,  he  iz  az 
bad  off.  az  a  lost  dog. 


THE  LITENING   ROD  MAN. 

Ever  since  Adam  waz  ordered  to  root,  or  perish, 
thare  haz  been  an  endless  lot  ov  labor  saving  masheens, 
invented,  az  plenty,  and  menny  ov  them  az  useless,  az 
tudstools  in  an  old  meadow.  Theze  invenshuns  are 
generally  pattented,  and  to  be  a  good  pattent  rite 
vender,  and  sell  a  man  an  injun  rubber  litening  rod, 
who  haz  allreddy  got  two,  requires  more  genius,  than  to 
be  consul  to  the  Azore  Islands.  I  have  seen  theze 
litening  ro'd  fellows  sell  a  man  a  rod  who  wouldn't  hav 
one  at  enny  price,  and  after  they  had  got  hiz  house  all 
covered  over  with  one,  and  got  the  munny  for  it,  git 
one  onto  hiz  barn,  and  pig  pen,  and  git  hiz  note  for 
them,  with  his  nabors  endorsement,  for  9  months,  with 
7  per  cent  interest  from  date.  I  should  be  a  mizerable 
hand  to  sell  a  pattent  rite  miself,  but  just  the  rite  kind 
ov  a  man  to  buy  one.  It  iz  a  grate  wonder  that  I  dont 
own  a  dozen  now,  that  would  be  az  useless  to  enny 
boddy  az  a  pair  ov  pattent  crutches  would  be  to  a  lame 
grasshopper.  I  hav  got  a  grate  deal  ov  pattent  rite 
kuriosity  in  my  compound,  and  am  allways  hanging 
around  things  that  hav  got  a  little  mistery  in  them,  but 
i  suppoze  i  hav  got  a  grate  deal  ov  caushun  too.  But 
now  I  think  ov  it,  kuriosity,  and  caushun,  well  mixt,  are 
a  hard  thing  to  sell  a  pattent  rite  to. 


ESPO USE. 

The  fust  3  notes  i  endorsed  i  had  to  pay,  and  i  hope 
it  will  be  jiss  so  with  the  next  3. 


It  .aint  no  kredit  for  enny  man,  to  work  for  nothing, 
and  board  himself. 


31  Days. 

JULY.                                 1876. 

A. 

*tf^%W 

^ 

Ix 

H 

0 

f 

Our  pashiint  now  took  to  reading. 

F 

1 

//If  ituddid  the  liver  ov  man. 

<y 

Unlill  he  knit  what  ailed  him. 

A  heap  less,  than  when  he  began. 

9 

n 

Short  F,ikts. 

RIGHT  BOWERS. 

I 

S 

Big-hotness  Q)    «t« 

2 

G 

9  Q  Paul  waz  an 

Luv  is  the  strongest  pashun  ov 

3 

M 

apostle    O     8     O 

a  woman's  harte,  she  has  got  to 

4 
5 
6 

7 

T 
W 
T 

F 

S?  sighns  A  ov   ft 
<f     *   thunder    3 
now    destroy  grass 
1  J£i  Sam  Perkins  3$ 

luv  sumthing,  either  a  baby,  a 
nu   bonnet,   a    lap  dog,  or  the 
heathen. 

8 

S 

died 

\     1836 

on  

9 

very  mutch   hot  O 

10 

M 

9   $   Sam  Perkins 

I   am   allwuss   more  than  haff 

ii 

12 

T 

W 

Xwaz  f  a$pharo± 

afraid  ov  the  man,  who  kant  talk 

13 

T 

-][-   dealer    :—  : 

5  minnitts  with  me,  on  enny  sub- 

14 
15 

16 

F 

S 

G 

A   t>j    heat  hottens 

3   T   a*   © 

snakes  ~  hav  cum 

jekt,  without    expressing     grate 
anxiety  about  my  soul. 

17 

M 

•  3   it  rains  <*  -H- 

18 

T 

Ward  -Beecher 

ax> 

TIJJ  iz  a  p 

reecher  A 

19 

20 

\v 

X   S    expckt    rti 

Go  slo  yung  man,  if  yu   tap 

21 

F 

thunder 

8D    S    Sf 

both  ends  ov  yure  cider  barrell 

22 

S 

9    ~  ©i  musket  ore 

at   once,   and   draw   out  ov  the 

23 
24 

25 

G 

M 
T 

d.  perforate  £   3 
hotly  rll  T  cheuing 
gum  |  diskovered 

bung    hole   besides;  yure    cider 
aint  a  going  to  hold  out  long. 

26 

W 

O    <&   1596   A    33 

——cos— 

27 

T 

Adam  waz  our     O 

28 
29 

F 
S 
G 

±  J    0   beginning 
Q  mutch  §  hot    S 
3  cheers   fi    £Z    0 

Eat  hash  washing  days,  and  be 
thankfull  for  it,  even  if  yu  hav 

3i 

M 

S3   T    S 

for  Adam 

to  shut  both  eyes  to  do  it. 

THE    PEA  CH. 

Peaches  and  kream  will  convert  enny  man  who  iz 
worth  saving.  The  peach  haz  a  doun  on  them,  like 
the  doun  on  a  maiden's  cheek,  but  it  aint  hart  so 
plezant  to  git  onto  the  lips.  Peach  brandy  iz  made 
out  ov  the  peach,  this  licker  haz  been  called  mellow, 
but  like  all  other  licker  that  i  hav  tried,  it  will  lay  out  a 
saint,  just  az  flatt  az  it  will  a  sinner.  The  fakt  ov  it  iz, 
thare  aint  no  kind  ov  ardent  rum,  i  dont  kare  how  art 
less,  and  gentle  the  name  ov  it  iz,  or  how  ritch,  and 
niello  yu  may  call  it,  but  what  will  throw  him  who 
wrassells  with  it,  be  he  phool,  or  be  he  philospher. 
Thare  iz  only  one  piece  ov  humanity  that  kan  stand 
ardent  speerits,  and  he  iz  an  injun,  and  he  kant  stand 
it,  only  just  long  enuff  to  git  civilized.  When  peach 
brandy  is  fust  made  it  iz  az  hot  az  a  streak  ov  litening, 
and  just  about  az  sudden.  I  once  drank  a  tea  spoon 
full  ov  it  warm  from  the  still,  and  it  waz  20  minnitts 
be  fore  i  could  draw  a  long  breath.  I  waz  az  hot 
inside  az  a  chimney  on  fire.  I  thought  it  would  brake 
out  and  blaze  sum  whare,  but  it  didn't  happen  to. 


DIGEST. 

I  konsider  all  profeshions  that  are  honest,  honorabell 
enuff,  but  i  hav  thought,  that  a  travelling  korn  doktor, 
war  the  last  one  i  should  adopt,  just  for  the  sake  ov 
glory. 


Thare  iz  one  thing  about  a  mule  that  i  allwuss  did 
like,  the  minnitt  that  you  begin  to  flatter  them,  then 
they  begin  to  kik. 


31  Days. 


AUGUST. 


1876. 


il 


John  bought  next  a  kord  of  hard  wood, 
And  sawed  like  a  man  on  a  bet, 

It  bent  him  dnbble, — if  it  hadn't, — 
yohn  would  have  sawed  at  it  yet. 


M 


VV 


13 


16 


18 


20 
21 
22 
23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 

3« 

31 


M 


W 


W 


Short  Fakts. 


Mutch  warm  TT£  A 
jy,  now  consume 
22  juleps  £  ft  Q) 

thunder    showers 

Pete  Larkins  JEg~ 

£/     absconds  1741 

9  .:  O  O 

£  immense  heat  @ 
now  S  **  -H-  TIE 

IT]::  Pik  geese 

If  more  hotter  9 
Eve  waz  our  (!) 
5  If  fust  mother 
ft  less  O  hot  O 
fleas  are  here  ^  £= 
TU,  ~  «  big  rain 
pills  diskovered  436 
X  hot  V3  seems  3 

|  merely  | 
now  snatch  <a  0 
f  O  Q  doun  oats 
thunder  f  •  and 
ca  4  iti  litening  & 
Ben  Franklin  J  H- 
fiJZ  (9  fi  waz  a  A 

expekt  11(4  flies 
Judas  Iskariott  $ 
}  waz  a  ii  f  fi 
3  3  a  failure 


QUEEN  BEES. 


He  who  aims  at  perfekshun 
will  probably  miss  the  mark,  but 
he  who  aims  at  nothing,  iz  sure 
to  hit  it  every  time. 


The  man  who  haz  been  waiting 
for  the  last  1 5  years,  for  sumthing 
to  turn  tip,  iz  to  work  on  the 
same  job  yet. 


I  had  a  grate  deal  rather  be 
told  that  a  man  is  virteuous,  and 
honest,  than  to  hear  that  hiz 
father  is  a  member  ov  congress, 
01  even  that  hiz  grandfather,  fit 
into  the  revolushun. 


Men  sumtimes  hav  doubts  about 
their  religion,  and  even  honesty, 
but  i  never  met  one  who  doubted 
his  shrewdness. 


THE    BUMBLE    BEE. 

The  bumble  bee  iz  a  kind  ov  big  fly  who  goes  mutter 
ing,  and  swareing  around  the  lots,  during  the  summer, 
looking  after  little  boys  to  sting  them,  and  stealing 
hunny  out  ov  the  dandylions,  and  thissells.  He  iz  mad 
all  the  time  about  sumthing,  and  dont  seern  to  kare  a 
kuss  what  people  think  ov  him.  A  skool  boy  will 
studdy  harder  enny  time  to  find  a  bumble  bees  nest 
than  he  will  to  git  hiz  lesson  in  arithmetik,  and  when 
he  haz  found  it,  and  got  the  hunny  out  ov  it,  and  got 
badly  stung  into  the  bargin,  he  finds  thare  aint  mutch 
margin  in  it.  Next  to  poor  mollassis,  bumble  bee 
hunny  iz  the  poorest  kind  ov  sweetmeats  in  market. 
Bumble  bees  hav  allwuss  been  in  fashion,  and  probably 
allwuss  will  be,  but  whare  the  fun,  or  proffit  lays  in 
them,  i  never  could  cypher  out.  The  proffit  dont  seem 
to  be  in  the  hunny,  nor  in  the  bumble  bee  neither. 
They  bild  their  nest  in  the  ground,  or  enny  whare  else 
they  take  a  noshun  too,  and  aint  afrade  to  file  a  whole 
distrikt  skool,  if  they  meddle  with  them.  I  dont  blame 
the  bumble  bee,  nor  enny  other  fellow,  for  defending 
hiz  sugar,  it  iz  the  fust,  and  last  Law  ov  natur,  and  i 
hope  the  law  wont  never  run  out.  The  smartest  thing 
about  the  bumble  bee  iz  their  stinger. 


DISCUSS. 

Mice  very  seldum  cum  out  ov  a  hole  that  iz  clussly 
watched. 


I  fully  beleave  in  ghosts,  but  I  never  herd  yet  ov  two 
persons  seeing  the  same  ghost,  at  the  same  time. 


30  Days. 


SEPTEMBER. 


1876. 


Joint's  minister  called  on  him  now, 

His  case  exciting  alarm, 
The  good  man  sed,  "John  is  all  right," 

Only  go  to  work  on  a  farm. 


> 

k 

0)   g 


H-S 


M 


M 


«3 
M 
«S 

16 

'7 
18 

'9 


\V 


M 


VV 


23 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
30 


M 


W 


rf  Fakts. 


Q)  a  Mildly  D  Q) 
now  ~  IT],  crickets 
simmer  s  soft  il  5 
£f  Fred  Johnsing 
deceased  •  $  A 

rtti  C3)  wm(J east 
Johnsing  waz  nj,  ^ 

Q     a  barber   •  9 
now  lift      ©      t) 
onions      8     warm 

$  5  rane  ±  O 
Chapin'  0  u  X  a 

p*r*e*a*c*h*e*r 
•     ;    mild    :     0 
D    September   t^, 

now  the  cuckoo 
X  *  O  hollers 
expekt  showers  © 
'§?  «o  Sim  Darling 
born  1492  *  ~  C" 
O  A  g  "si  quod 
infantum"  If  2> 
S  much  pleasant 
now  the  lamb  ^= 
V3  5  bleats  t  Q 

3  sweet  -H-  weather 
giv  us  your  hand 

*X.  stranger   6 
(£  T7|,  for   90  days 


UPPER  K RUSTS. 


The  gratest  bores  in  the  world 
are  those  who  are  eternally  trie- 
ing  to  prove  to  yu  that  a,  and  2, 
allwuss  makes  4. 


One  ov  the  simplest  ways  to 
try  menny  men's  faith  iz,  to  ask 
them  to  subskribe  for  fixing  up 
the  meeting  house. 


Free  luv  is  the  science  ov  luve- 
ihg  sumboddy  else's  wife  more 
than  yu  do  yure  own,  and  tricing 
to  preserve  a  good  average, — it 
kant  be  did. 


Stealing  is  the  oldest  sin  on 
rekord, — stealing  apples. 


THE     YELLO   JACKET. 

The  yello  jacket  iz  ov  the  wasp  purswashun,  and  iz 
about  one  size  smaller  than  the  common  blak  hornet, 
and  iz  az  mutch  hotter,  in  hiz  coolest  moments,  than 
enny  other  bug,  az  jersey  litening  iz  hotter  than  ice 
kream.  They  are  the  most  krewel  fighters  in  existence, 
and  will  hit  a  man,  or  beast,  four  times  in  a  seckond,  in 
the  same  spot,  They  are  az  yello  az  gold,  and  when 
they  are  good  mad,  they  blaze  like  a  kandle.  When  a 
yello  jacket  gits  mad  all  the  way  through,  he  will  fite 
a  brush  heap  on  fire,  just  az  quick  az  he  will  a  mile 
stun.  I  hav  seen  them  pitch  on  to  each  other,  and 
having  killed  their  man,  close  up  the  file  by  stinging 
themselfs  to  death.  Dont  go  near  a  yellow  jacket's  nest 
in  the  month  of  August,  unless  yure  life  iz  insured,  not 
even  a  hard  shell  Baptist,  or  a  missionary,  would  be  safe 
in  that  naborhood.  They  kant  tell  a  friend  from  a  foe, 
and  I  think  would  sting  a  potash  kittle,  a  dozen  times, 
and  not  mistrust  it  waz  iron.  They  make  homes  for 
themselfs  out  in  the  lots  amungst  the  ploughed  ground, 
and  i  hav  seen  them  bile  out  ov  their  nests  like  a  dis- 
trikt  skool  let  out  for  noon,  or  a  smothered  fire,  and 
pitching  into  the  oxen,  farmer,  and  plough,  drive  the 
whole  party,  on  the  jump,  off  from  the  premises. 


EMB  RA  CE. 

Most  men  are  like  vinegar,  the  older  they  gro,  the 
sourer  they  git. 

Lazy  men,  and  black  ants,  are  allwuss  hunting  for  a 
job. 


31  Days. 


«o 


OCTOBER. 


1876. 


Owr  /$«-0  soon  found  out  a  place, 

With  a  farmer,  kind  hearted  indeed, 

Who  let  him  ho  corn  for  nothing, 
And  only  charged  John  for  his  feed. 


16 

17 
18 


23 
24 
25 
26 

27 

28 
29 
3° 


ff  n  •  Jack 
Frosty  fi  3  9 
¥  now  T  hunt  ,fir 
butternuts  ty  A, 
35  cool  but  wet  © 
John  Bunyan  Q 
$  f  waz  a  pilgrim 
*  more  cool  * 
now  trap  ±  O 
ijl  S  for  rats  § 
0  wind  northy  «j> 
apple  sass  ^  ia  "5" 
Q  |  invented  986 
wet  but  cool  3  -j 
~  \3  X  now  jerk 
turnips  If  A  HI 
=2=  9  more  |-«— *-| 
moistly  tg  ^  Q 
sun  in  Q)  apogee 
;  frosty  now  '. 
t  destroy  5  early  4* 

4     pork     TTH 
sum  snow     #     9 
1     |     Dan  Barker 
kikt  the  bucket    6 
|^~     1691     8    fi 
koldy     e&    now 
smash  Q)  wood  a 
muskeeters   skarse* 


MORNING  STARS* 


Seckond  luv,  iz  like  a  seckonc 
case  ov  the  measles,  the  pashun; 
iz  sure  to  allwuss  hav  it  light. 


Yu  kant  hire  a  man  to  be  hon 
est,  if  yer  do,  he  will  want  his 
wages  raised  every  morning. 


Thare  iz  a  grate  deal  ov  religion 
in  this  world  that  iz  like  a  life 
preserver,  only  put  on  at  the 
moment  ov  extreme  danger,  and 
then  half  the  time  put  on  hind 
side  before. 


Most  people  are  like  an  egg, 
too  full  of  themselves  to  hold 
enny  more. 


THE     YANKEE    PEDLAR. 

Probably  the  sharpest  man  that  the  world  haz  been 
blest  with  thus  far  iz  the  natral  born  Yankee  pedlar. 
He  takes  to  the  bizzness  just  az  handy  az  a  yung  duk 
takes  to  the  water,  who  haz  been  hatched  out  by  mis 
take  amung  a  lot  ov  hen's  eggs.  He  kan  see  just  whare 
the  promt  lies  in  a  dicker,  and  aint  afrade  to  invest  hiz 
whole  pile,  at  a  minnitt's  notiss,  in  an  assorted  lot  ov 
goose  yokes.  He  begins  life  yung,  and  like  the  bizzy 
ant,  gits  up  arly,  and  eats  on  the  run.  Az  long  az  he 
keeps  honest  he  iz  sure  to  sukceed,  but  sumtimes  hiz 
genius  iz  too  mutch  for  hiz  integrity,  and  every  boddy 
gits  to  be  az  frade  ov  him,  az  they  are  ov  a  hornet. 
The  hornet  iz  the  smartest  bug  in  kreashun,  but  haint 
got  no  friends.  The  world  luvs  to  be  cheated,  but 
they  want  to  hav  it  dun  bi  an  honest  man,  and  not  bi  a 
hornet,  and  then  they  never  seem  to  git  tired  ov  it.  I 
hav  seen  Yankee  pedlars  who  allwus  cheated  every 
boddy  they  traded  with,  but  they  allwuss  did  it  so 
honest,  and  square,  that  every  boddy  seemed  to  be 
happy  when  their  turn  cum.  But  the  old  fashioned 
Yankee  pedlar,  with  his  little  red  painted  kart,  and 
bobtail  pony,  like  the  letterings  on  the  mile  stuns,  iz  fast 
fading  away. 


SEIZE. 

Stik  and  hang  yung  man,  it  iz  the  last  six  inches  in  a 
race  that  allwuss  wins  the  munny. 


If  yu  want  to  find  out  just  how  mean,  and  dishonest, 
yu  hav  allwuss  been,  git  a  nominashun,  and  run  for  sum 
offiss. 


30  Days. 


NOVEMBER. 


1876. 


John  read  in  a  hand  till  somewhare, 
That  salt  water  was  share  to  save  Aim, 

So  he  went  forthwith  to  Long  Branch, 
And  hired  a  man  to  bathe  him. 


II? 


'3 
14 

16 


18 


23 
24 
25 
26 

27 

28 

29 
3° 


Short  Fakts. 


Kold  but  sour  TTK 
Q)  |^»  now  worry 
the  fires  fi  *  1?' 
sno  |  9  |  foot  • 
Q  -K-  TTJJ  deep 
Zeke  t  Rathbun 
failed  1862  £?  O 
kold  It  8  grows 
^s  Zeke  waz  in  9 

t^-.»  9  .£g 

the  pea  nut  V3  • 
"3  ~  K  profeslmn 
grate  kold  ©  jj^, 
«  0  how  «  J 
mastikate  $  Q)  Si 

±      «>      c. 
,2*   ham   and    egg 
kolder    : :    f  JSS 
HB  avoid  O  tite  % 

fi     boots     rji 
sno  inkreases  sy  o 
Jj  r-  Satan  iz  s- 

0  rth    A 

a  Q  mean   3  kuss 

it   ~  thaws 
mutch  kold    A      fi 
X?  O  hitch  up  to 
the  fire  n    TDl    S 

1  Q   t?V  1 


EARLY  BIRDS. 


Thoze  who  are  too  proud  to 
enquire  what  a  thing  kosts  when 
they  buy  it,  are  the  fust  ones  to 
find  fault  when  they  cum  to  pay 
for  it. 


Kards,  whiskey,  and  hoss  race- 
ing,  bring  all  men  down  to  the 
same  level. 


If  a  man  writes  for  fame,  the 
less  he  writes,  the  "better. 


When  a  man  meazzurcs  out 
glory  for  himself,  he  albruss  heaps 
the  hafF  bushel. 


THE  KUNTRY  HOSS  JOCKEY. 

For  a  red  hot  speciality,  yu  hav  got  to  hunt  kreashun 
cluss,  to  find  an  equal,  to  the  kuntry  hoss  jockey.  He 
iz  allwuss  a  man  ov  plezant  temperament,  vain  ov  hiz 
opinyuns,  often  ov  more  fancy  than  judgement,  and 
quik  to  decide.  He  haz  but  little  real  affecksun  for  a 
hoss,  and  only  luvs  him,  for  the  cheat  that  iz  in  him. 
He  iz  allwuss  reddy  to  trade  for  enny  thing,  from  a  yer- 
ling  kolt,  to  the  kavalry  hoss  that  Gen  Butler  rode,  at 
the  battle  ov  Brandywine.  He  never  knows  when  he 
gits' cheated,  and  ever  thinks,  that  the  last  nag  he  got,  iz 
the  best  one  he  ever  owned.  He  iz  not  bothered  with 
too  mutch  conscience,  and  would  az  soon  lay  out  a 
travelling  preacher  in  a  swop,  az  hiz  own  father-in-law, 
and  do  it  without  enny  malice,  but  just  for  the  honor  ov 
the  profeshun.  I  dont  kno  whi  it  iz,  that  a  man  kan 
trade  cows  and  be  pious,  or  swop  oxen,  and  be  a  good 

[deakon,  or  even  negoshiate  dogs,  and  be  lookt  upon 
favourably,  but  when  he  goes  into   the   hoss  trading 
i    enterprize,  if  he  kant  cheat,  he  haz  mistaken  hiz  calling, 
and  aint  happy.     The  hoss  jockey  iz  sumtimes  honest 
i    from  policy,  and  the  man  who  iz  simply  honest  from 
policy,  needs  az  mutch  watching  az  a  hive  ov  bees  do, 
who  are  just  gitting  reddy  to  swarm. 


D  ISKOUNT. 

If  yu  want  to  find  out  the  utter  weakness  ov  munny, 
just  try  to  hire  a  dubble  tooth  to-  stop  akeing. 


A  boy  will  learn  to  sware  well,  in  just  haff  the  time  it 
takes  to  learn  the  10  commands. 


31  Days. 

DECEMBER.                        1876. 

g 

-*- 

3^ 

> 
\ 

a  ll\ 

Tjz-      ^K- 

\>  p. 

*« 

*^  IL^ 

oc  E 

1. 

o* 

i 
y» 

hn  kept  growing  wusser  and  wuss, 
Thinner,  and  thinner  each  day, 

1 

At  last  he  wax  nothing  but  mist, 
And  an  East  wind  tlu  Mm  away. 

9 

& 

£hort  Fakts. 

MIXT  PHObD. 

I 

F 

O   ~  *  Raw  kold 

2 

S 

now  whissell  (J      >): 

Whiskey  makes  a  grate  menny 

3 

G 

iWi    in  your  kats 

wize    men  to  day,  and   phools 

4 

M 

more  snowy  Q     a 

tommorow. 

S 

T 

•njj     g  Sue  Benson 

6 

W 

died  1812    -ff    O 

7 

T 

$  expekt 

©  snow 

8 
9 

F 

S 

Sue  |  waz  fa*  flirt 
mutch  raw    ft     A 

Persons  who  marry  after  a  long 

10 

G 

0      U 

3     now 

and  tejus  courtship,  go  into  bizz- 

ii 

I  2 

M 
T 

con.vglom:  :e:  rrate 

ness  with  just  about  the  same 

W 

<J    sassage    iti 

alakraty,  that  an  old  plough  hoss 

14 

T 
F 

wind  north  ~    f 
ifr  ±  Noah  ^   ft 

jogs  to  church  on  Sunday. 

16 

S 

owned  Y  the  ¥  ark 

17 

G 

(D  a  it 

TIJI  snows 

—COS 

18 

M 

let  her  snow  ^    A 

T 

s  e  s 

hansum  iz 

Kuriosity  is  the  same    in   all 

20 

W 

az  hansum  duz  V3 

people,  the  vulgar  stare,  and  the 

21 

22 

T 

F 

•  :-*-:  • 

$  quite  snowfull  ~ 

refined  peek  thru  a  krak. 

23 

S 

now  slay 

*     £? 

24 

G 

O    2    * 

fc  turkeys 

80:1  

25 

M 

Noah   O 

Webster 

26 

T 

&    bilt 

the     6 

It  is  sed  that  men  will  tell  the 

27 

\V 

dikshionaryn  Q  A 

truth  when  they  are  drunk,  but 

28 

T 

F 

V3    83 

may  we 

f    an 
all  meet 

sutch  folks  will  lie  more  than 

3° 

S 

5  Y   0 

next  year 

enuff  to   ballance    the    akount, 

G 

GOOD-BYE  till 

just  az  soon  az  they  git  sober. 

PREVAILING    SENTIMENTS    OV 
THE    PRESS. 

Josh  Billings  still  livs,  and  his  Allminax  for  1877  iz  full 
ov  joy  for  the  sad,  and  rest  for  the  weary. 

Atlantik  Monthly. 


How  natural,  how  happy,  how  concise,  how  forcible, 
it  is,  Josh  Billings'  Allminax  for  1877. 

Appletoris  Journal. 


Welcome,  sweet  morsel  of  delight,  ever  funny,  and 
ever  profound,  Josh  Billings'  Farmer's  Allminax  for  the 
current  year. 

Harferf  Baztar. 


Bully  for  you  Josh,  hit  'em  agin,  slay,  and  spare  not, 
may  you  outlive  Methuseler,  and  not  haul  in  your  gang 
plank  until  Gabriel  cries,  "All  a  board." 

Springfield  Republican. 


Aroma  of  lovelyness,  perfume  of  joy,  essence  of  ril- 
tilation,  breath  of  beauty,  seance  of  bliss,  Josh  Billings' 
Allminax  for  1877. 

Book. 


31  Days. 

JANUARY. 

1877. 

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nny  one  thinks  they  kan  lick  hi 

W, 

Kt 

6>3 

Just  let  them  put  up  the  spondulicks, 
And  trot  out  the  other  game  chicken. 

x- 

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Items. 

PETS. 

i 

2 

M 
T 

A 

Mi 

Now  dig  ice 
kold     O   but 

A  man  with  mutch  welth,  and 

3 

W 

raw   S    If 

meazles 

no  pedigree,  should  do  az    the 

4 

T 

diskovered  1312    Y 

bob  tailed  kats  do, 

set  down  on 

6 

F 

S 

<&   *snowfuU*   ¥ 
Adam  fell  Q)  hard 

himself,  and  keep  still. 

7 

G 

;::    wind  north    Q 

8 

M 
T 

§    Enok  Jones  died 

$   I 

02 

—    more 

10 

W 

snow 

TH 

Enok    < 

Tricks  upon  travellers  are  all- 

ii 

1  2 

T 
F 

S  Jones  was  a  free 

wuss   dangerous   experiments,  i 

s 

lover 

***  sighns    t! 

hav   known   a    ded    hornet    to 

IS 

16 

G 
M 
T 

ov  melting  (12)  now 
destroy  sum  —    0 
hogs  f   it  rains    3 

wake  up  sudden,  and  sting  just 
once  more. 

17 

W 

¥  litening 

u  bugs 

18 

T 

fust  seen  956  O  (') 

19 

20 

F 

S 

x    inkreasing  snow 
•  mormonism  »y« 

Familiarity  iz  a  dangerous  ex 

21 

G 

invented  1832  0  * 

periment,  the  most 

familiar  thing 

22 

M 

1   K^"  snow  4  feet 

in  the  whole  world  iz  a  puppy, 

23 

T 

deep 

*  now  the  <B 

and  the  oftenest  stept  on. 

24 

W 

[<J>]  muskeeter  [$] 

25 

T 

lies  A    a  dreaming 

CQQ- 

26 

F 

O    cold 

3    D   3 

27 

S 

merely   0 

j.    S< 

28 

o 

fV.  now  ,- 

—  ,  the 

This  is  my  plan,  —  to  beleave 

29 

M 

A   :o:    kat    Q    ^ 

all  things  that  i  hear,  but  to  put 

3° 

T 

huggeth  the    A    O 

mi  faith,  and  munny,  in  but  few. 

31 

W 

_j£. 

o 

stove 

SUM  ABRUPT  LETTERS. 

Dear  Bob. — The  most  disgusting  kritter  to  me,  in  the 
whole  ov  the  United  States  ov  Amerika,  iz  an  overgrown 
boy,  ov  about  fifteen  summers,  who  haz  bekum  the  ter 
ror  ov  the  whole  family,  and  spends  hiz  spare  time  ham 
mering  the  cow,  and  stirring  up  the  pig,  and  chickens. 
If  the  father,  or  father-in-law,  ov  one  ov  these  youths, 
will  lend  him  to  me,  if  i  dont  civilize  him,  or  kill  him  in 
ninety  days,  i  will  agree  to  forfit  50  dollars,  and  the 
cloth  for  a  new  alpacka  dress. 

P.S. — Send  on  the  boy  at  once,  at  mi  expense,  i  am 
just  now  out  ov  a  job. — J.B. 


Dear  Steve. — It  iz  hard  work  to  be  in  luv.  and  not  akt 
phoolish,  but  luv  iz  the  only  thing  i  kno  ov  that  makes 
pholly  excusable.  Luv  haz  made  sum  kind  ov  a  phool 
ov  every  man  it  haz  attacked  since  the  days  ov  Adam, 
and  it  made  the  biggest  kind  ov  a  phool  ov  him.  Wis- 
dum,  and  ambishun  iz  no  protekshun  aginst  the  disseaze, 
for  Soloman  evaporated  before  it  like  the  dew  before  the 
morning  sun,  and  even  good  old  David  wilted  like  the 
hewn  grass. 

Dear  Hank. — When  yu  strike  ile  pull  out  yure  auger 
at  onst,  and  begin  to  barrell  the  ile,  menny  a  man  haz 
kept  on  untill  he  bored  klean  thru  and  sum  other  phellow 
kaught  the  grease  at  the  bottom. 

BULBS. 

Ministers  often  point  out  to  us,  poor  sinners,  the  strate, 
and  narrow  gauge,  az  the  only  way  to  git  to  heaven, 
while  they  hav  got  a  private  turnpike  ov  their  own  that 

2.40  kan  be  made  on. 

0- 

Waiting  to  be  whipt  iz  the  most  uninteresting  period 
in  boyhood  life. 


28  Days.                 FEBRUARY. 

1877. 

M 

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'^^:  'f^^^^^(\^^^' 

•». 

O^^J^''*P^\^^^S^> 

a. 

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^fe^V^^^^^g^'^-^^OT^—  ^>^  " 

*• 

•a  § 

'J^C>jr^^\i^^u)^r~.>-^v-v,.    —  ^TM'V' 

©1 

1  § 

An  ugly  lump  is  the  Tar  Her  Bull, 

»? 

!>  6 

For  fighting  allwuss  reddy. 

P 

1    « 

With  Mike  O'  Rouke  he  travels. 

r 

°J 

And  his  name  iz  one  eyed  Teddy. 

3 

0 

Items. 

VAGRANTS. 

i 

2 

T 

F 

The  kold   -'N- 
chatters   ~~>  —    Bill 

Life  aint  mutch  more  than  a 

3 

s 

Comstock  deceased 

farce  enny  how,  but  it  iz  quite 

4 

G 

1!  1746  o  sighn  ov 

necessary  that  the  play  should 

5 

M 

snow     O     Bill    O 

go  on,   and  the    farce  be  well 

6 

T 

Comstock  died  ov 

ackted. 

7 

W 

If  §  a  broken  heart 

8 
9 

T 
F 

more  koldful  ()  *%, 
f  Bill  Comstock  Q 

The  man  whoze  ambishun  iz 

10 

S 

tried  to  lift  a  ijl  Y 

simply  to  liv,  iz  of  no 

more  im- 

ii 

G 

ton  *  kolder  *  but 

portanse  in   this  world,  than  an 

12 

couldn't  f  A  snow 

extra  rat  iz. 

*3 

"5"   falls    -»-  sun  in 

14 

W 

apogee  •  bitter  § 

too  

IS 

T 

kold    rtfi     rats  are 

If  Adam  and  Eve  had  remained 

16 

F 

s 

skarse   .ty  it  storms 

in  the  garden  ov  Eden  untill  to 

18 

G 

C-h-r-i-s-t-o-p-h-e-r 

day,  they  would  hav  simply  been 

19 

M 

Columbus  O  3  & 

two  fat,  overgrown  babys. 

20 

T 

S?    diskovered     a 

21 

W 

Atnerika  <1  koldness 

—COS 

22 

T 

waxes  :-y:  now   S 

The  gratest  cumfort  i  hav  seen 

23 

F 

17    ,*.  the    +  Q 

in  marrid  life  waz  whare  one  ov 

24 

25 
26 

27 

S 

G 

M 
T 

bull  frog    ,  —  holds 
[O]    hiz  tung  *  —  , 
snow  rages  <a  Sam 
:{:    Patch  died    |J| 

the    partys    wanted    everything 
their  own   way,   and    the   other 
party  waz    willing    they   should 

28 

W 

poor  *  1837  *    ?¥, 

hav  it. 

THE    ALLIGATOR. 

The  alligator  iz  an  original  kritter,  a  chip  of  the  old 
block,  and  az  ugly  to  kontemplate  az  a  congo  darkey. 
They  are  residents  ov  Florida,  and  gro  12  feet,  and  nine 
inches  and  then  halt.  Their  teeth  are  all  tushes,  and 
their  mouth  iz  az  full  ov  them  az  a  buzz  saw  iz.  Their 
eys  are  sot  up,  and  down,  in  their  hed  like  a  chinamans, 
and  they  hav  an  appetight  equal  to  18  distrikt  skool 
masters.  They  are  the  krokerdiles  ov  Amerika,  and  lay 
eggs  az  eazy  az  a  hen  duz,  but  dont  kackle  when  they 
cum  oph  from  the  nest.  They  are  grate  cowards  but  aint 
afrade  ov  yung  pork,  or  little  darkeys,  and  kan  eat  all 
the  time,  or  go  without  eating,  az  long  az  a  gold  fish  kan. 
The  alligator  waz  made  for  sum  usefull  purpose,  but  like 
the  muskeeter,  the  bedbugg,  and  the  kokroach,  their  use- 
fullness  haz  been  karephully  hid  from  us.  Yu  kan  shoot 
a  hundred  alligators  a  day  on  the  St.  Johns  river,  but 
you  kant  bag  one,  and  thare  aint  enny  more  game  in 
them,  than  thare  iz  in  a  rotten  log.  They  are  long  lived, 
and  liv,  if  mi  memory  serves  me  right,  4  thousand  years, 
and  their  grate  strength  lays  in  their  tails.  They  hiss 
when  they  are  angry  like  a  tea  kittle,  and  want  az  mutch 
room  to  turn  round  in  az  a  fore  and  aft  skooner. 


DEW   DROPS 

I  hav  known  whiskey  to  make  a  man  generous,  but 
when  he  got  sober  agin,  he  would  git  square  with  himself, 
bi  being  meaner  than  ever. 


The  man  who  iz  rekless  ov  hiz  life  holds  it  at  just 
about  its  market  value. 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


1877. 


Darwin  sez,  we  kail  from  the  mun&y, 
And  Darwin  knows  all  about  this  thing, 

But  while  i  respekt  mi  poor  relashuns, 
From  whitch,  pray  tell  me,  did  the  munky  spring. 


a 

y> 

E>  I 


M 


\V 


ii 

12 
13 

14 

IS 
16 


18 
'9 


M 


\V 


23 

24 
25 
26 

27 

28 
29 
30 


M 


Items. 


It  blows  O  A 
(XT)  Robert  Burns 
O  wrote  poetry  C 
more  wind  11  Q) 

•  Fulton  was  *  a 
23     steambote    c\ 

•  Q)      Capting 
' —  wind  travels  — ' 
around  loose      *Vi 
3    1    now  set  hens 
8  kold  and  raw  V3 
kongress  sits  1  more 
®    windy    «    Bob 
Fletcher    O    loved 
not  ©  wisely  *  but 
too  well     H     Bob 
\3      Fletcher  loved 
whiskey  f  wind  } 
Easty  *  Bonaparte 
1?    was  a    ~     m 
SS    Frenchman    © 
If   *  rain   f  with 
^©-    w-i-n-d    <a 
lj(,     buty  — »-»  iz 
short  lived     9      If 

•  it  blows    3    rtl 
£7    A    fi    ^  now 
O   twitch  teeth    fi 
more     3     n     ? 
~3    0    6    wind    5 


NUTMEGS. 


Enny  man  kan  beat  me  out 
ov  mi  munny,  and  mi  opinyuns, 
eazy  enuff,  but  no  man  kan  beat 
me  out  ov  mi  faith. 


One  ov  the  most  unhappy 
kritters  in  this  world  iz  a  neg- 
lekted  pet,  they  are  wuss  off 
than  a  vagrant. 


The  middle  course  iz  the  best, 
even  a  moderate  deakon  iz  bet 
ter  than  a  red  hot  one. 


Yung  man,  dont  ask  enny 
favours,  it  iz  better  to  hav  the 
world  owe  yu  10  dollars,  and 
finally  git  cheated  out  ov  it, 
than  to  owe  them  one. 


THE    LOAFER. 

The  loafer  iz  a  thing  who  iz  willing  to  be  dispized  for 
the  privilege  ov  abusing  others.  He  occupys  all  grades 
in  sosiety  from  the  judge  on  the  bench  clear  down  to  the 
ragged  kritter  who  leans  aginst  the  lamp  posts,  and  files 
flies  in  August  He  haz  no  pride  that  iz  worthy,  and 
no  delikasy  that  enny  boddy  kan  hurt.  During  his  boy 
hood  he  kills  kats,  and  robs  all  the  hens  nests  in  the 
naborhood.  During  hiz  middle  life  he  begs  all  the  to 
bacco  he  uses,  and  drinks  all  the  cheap  whiskey  he  kan  at 
sumboddy  else's  expense.  During  hiz  old  age  he  winters 
in  the  alms  houses,  and  summers  in  the  sugar  hogsheds, 
and  when  he  cums  to  die,  he  iz  buried  in  a  dich,  like  an 
omnibuss  horse,  with  hiz  old  shuze  on.  The  loafer 
cares  nothing  for  publik  opinyun,  and  this  alone,  will 
make  enny  man  a  loafer.  The  loafer  rather  covets  dis- 
grase,  and  when  a  man  gits  az  low  down  az  this,  he  haz 
got  az  low  down  az  he  kan  git  in  this  world  without 
digging.  We  hav  no  reliable  ackount  ov  the  fust  loafer, 
and  probably  shant  hav  ov  the  last  one,  but  in  mi  opin 
yun,  they  hav  existed  just  about  az  long  az  man  haz. 
If  Cain  want  a  loafer,  pray  what  waz  he  ? 


TIT   BITS. 

Woman  hav  allwuss  been  more  than  a  match  for  man, 
Adam  held  the  best  kards,  but  he  didn't  kno  how  to  play 
them  well. 


Thare  iz  one  trait  ov  the  human  karakter  that  the 
devil  himself  must  envy,  and  that  iz,  the  more  we  hav 
injured  a  man,  the  more  we  dispize  him. 


30  Days.                     APRIL.                              1877. 

TS 

•jgjtpaHM 

!< 

mBf**^  ^vS&m 

O 

|w 

•  •fi&&JUMrmmB 

ai 

0 

'mtElDtSSSSt& 

1 

^D 

Long,  lank,  lean,  and  lemon  colored, 

9 

O* 

An  orphan,  without  frirnds,  or  place, 

A  target  for  every  ones  brik  bat, 

The  yaller  dog  runs  a  dusty  race. 

• 

s 

Items. 

BIRDLINGS. 

I 

2 

3 

G 
M 

T 

O  Pensive  showers 
O    April  Phool    Q 
begot  896     ©     ft 

One  of  the  most  diskourageing 
features  ov  modern  civilizashun, 

4 

W 

:-:  44-  more  wetness 

iz  the  average  kuntry  hotel. 

5 

T 

•   Babes  in  the  A 

6 

F 

woods  ft  ()  ©  lost 

7 

S 

1  1  22  (f)  wind    3 

_oo»— 

8 

G 

t  south  $  now  the 

9 
10 

M 
T 

*    «    frogs  squeal 

Mankind  luv  to  be  cheated, 

ii 

VV 

O  sura  more    Q    J 
wetness  ($)  now  IJ" 

but  they  want  to  hav  it  dun  bi 

12 

T 

fi  investigate  B  for 

an  artist. 

T3 

c 

hens  eggs  £^~  a  t 

t4 

o 

G. 

*  g  kloudless  day  $ 

16 

M 

Peter  Bacon  died 

17 

T 

1492  4*  ©  cool  but 

/ 
18 

W 

X  pretty  O  Peter  a 

The   most  kritikal  people  to 

J9 

20 
21 

T 

F 

S 

i±  \3  Bacon  had  no 
mother   (J)   in  law 
wind  veers  northy  0 

suit,  are  thoze  who  board  at  tho 
alms  houses. 

22 

G 

1?  t  now  the  gentle 

23 

M 

~  kokroach  ^  O 

•     eoa     .1 

24 

T 

cometh  <f  sum  more 

2S 

W 

SS  wet  O  Amos  © 

26 

T 

S  •  Bostwick  born 

Thare  may  be  sutch  a  thing  az 

27 

F 

©  1827  rt*  hard  a 

a  man  who  haz  stole  once,  and 

28 
29 

S 
G 

M 

showers  ©  Amos  $ 
Bostwick  9  had  but 
8  ffl  U  one  eye  4» 

then   quit,   but  i  hav    not    the 
honor  ov  hiz  acquaintanse. 

ARTJKLES     OV   FAITH. 

Heaven  bless  the  stummuk  ake,  if  it  want  for  this, 
menny  ov  us  deakons  wouldn't  hav  no  good  excuse 
for  hot  rum. 


The  saddest  ov  all  sights  sad  in  this  world,  iz  a  child 
with  a  broken  spirit. 


Man  kant  make  cirkumstanses,  but  he  kan  take  them 
bi  the  horns,  insted  ov  the  tale. 


Dont  parade  yure  sorrows  before  the  world,  but  bury 
them  az  the  dogs  do  their  old  bones,  and  then  growl  if 
enny  boddy  offers  to  dig  them  up. 


Klubs  are  a  place  whare  most  people  go  to  git  rid  ov 
themselfs. 

0 

A  trained  child  to  me  iz  a  kind  ov  horror,  i  like  to  see 
them  rekless  with  innosense. 


The  boy  who  iz  pikt  out  to  be  the  genius  ov  the  family 
is  allwuss  sure  to  be  the  biggest  dohed  in  the  whole  lot. 


31  Days. 


IY 


MAY. 


1877. 


O" 


Thou  mewell — thott  art  mi  horror, — 
Dcsaitfull,  and  dang'rotts  kritler, — 

'Az  humbly  az  satnn  himself, 
And  besides  a  pizon  hitter. 


M 


14 
15 
16 

17 

18 

'9 


M 


W 


23 
24 

2S 
26 

27 
28 

29 
3° 

31 


Items. 


Butiful  ifj  May  ± 
jSii  now  the  /a  tud 
murmers  3  $  soft 
showers  (  ijl  )  Kate 
Sturgiss  admitted  * 
1842  O  K  Kate 
Stuigis  8  was  a  3 
doktriss  a*  more  * 
hazy  •  now  prepare 
,9  V  for  arly  lettiss 
©rain  3  munny  iz 
tite  jB  brite  and  25 
*klear  15?  Solaman 
A  $  had  wisdum 
klearing  weather  3 
now  probe  *  for  Q 
.!>  l5fa  hoss  radish 
~D  sum  more  f  o 
3  0  O  rainness  Q 
0  -^-  Jabez  Tucker 
5  obituated  ^  *5|c 
1776  ,-«-^  a  3 
'y  jjl  9  sweet  day 
Jabez1  fit  ===  <a  ^ 
(-»-)  and  died  (-^-) 
Jt  •*»  into  the  A 
revolushun  $J  <f 
II  V3  ©  more  rain 
now  insert  S3  X 
i?  onion  seed  -O- 


SHADDOWS. 


After  a  man  has  reached  the 
hight  ov  hiz  ambishun  the  fust 
thing  he  duz,  iz  to  be  disgusted 
with  it. 


It  aint  safe  to  endorse  enny- 
body,  we  kant  even  tell  ourselfs 
what  kind  ov  a  man  we  shall 
be  on  the  zsth  day  of  next 
June. 


I  prefer  the  gravity  ov  the 
owl  to  the  loquacity  ov  the 
magpie,  it  iz  better  to  look 
wize,  than  to  talk  phoolish. 


The  cheapest  and  best  way  to 
convince  a  phool,  is  to  agree 
with  him. 


SHORT   REPLYS. 

Dear  Luke.— I  kant  bear  to  see  enny  man  strike  a 
dog,  i  kno  dogs  are  full  ov  fleas,  but  i  kno  they  are  full 
ov  afleckshun  too.  I  am  very  sad  when  i  think  that 
affeckshun  iz  no  protekshun  to  man,  nor  kritter  in  this 
kold,  and  ironklad  world.  It  would  seem  that  a  lamb 
ought  to  git  along  thru  life  more  fluently  than  a  hornet 
duz,  but  they  duzzent,  and  i  also  notiss  that  the  most 
suckcessful  hornets  are  thoze  who  are  bilt  with  a  stinger 
on  both  ends  ov  them.  I  love  the  lambs,  but  respekt 
the  hornets. 

o 

Dear  Most. — All  the  humorist  that  i  am  acquainted 
with  are  sad,  and  sober  kusses.  I  never  knu  a  fust  rate 
humorist  who  waz  a  good  laffer,  they  are  willing  to  make 
other  people  laff,  but  prefer  themselfs  to  stand  by  and 
look  on.  If  Mark  Twain  should  be  kaught  laffing,  hiz 
friends  would  immejately  put  him  to  bed  and  send  for 
hiz  family  physician.  Nasby,  the  grate  politikal  satirist, 
waz  never  known  to  smile  but  once,  and  then  he,  and 
Pogram,  were  in  the  bak  end  ov  the  grosery  at  the  cross 
roads,  but  the  cauze  ov  hiz  mirth  iz  a  profound  sekret  to 
this  day.  The  best  laffers  i  ha v  ever  knu,  whare  thoze 
who  lafft  at  their  own  jokes. 


SPLINTERS. 

If  yu  are  determined  to  bet  enny  how,  bet  yure  bottom 
dollar  the  fust  time,  and  then  go  into  sum  more  respekt- 
able  bizzness. 


Thare  are  no  weeds  in  this  world  that  wilt  so  quick, 
az  the  weeds  ov  the  widower. 


JUNE. 


•s  ~o 

In 


:s> 

J" 


1877. 

|£ 

fl 


el 


y/fo  poodle  iz  a  frowzy  bird, 

A  hiding  place  for  fleas,  and  varnii/t, 

IVimmin  lug  them  round  for  pets, 

And  call  them  "  luv,"  and  "  duv,"  and  "  charming 


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8  Luvly  moments 
•0  wind  bammy  3 
June  bugs  are  A  O 
5  here  i,  very  wet 
Patience  Burbanks 
O  *  run  »  away  £y 
1840  ISpsun  hot  * 
<?  3  Patience  fled 
with  3  a  R  pedlar  © 
2B  ©  hot  showers 
,  the, violet  »haz  , 
V3  cum  tJt»  5  gentle 
softness  •  prevails 
¥  now  3  jerk  & 
t:  lettiss  a  sum  ;J 
wet  :§:  23  now  ptk 
the  goose  O  more  A 
•  softness  6  t  fleas 
diskovered  1309  D 
hotness  exists  ->.  r|i 
expekt  pak  pedlars 
Si  ^  wind  rizesZT 
®  y  Sam  Brewster 
elekted  constable  O 
a  1865  Q  sighns  ov 
drougth  '(J  be  kind 
fi  A  to  your  mother 
in  law  J  ±  very  hot 
-now-stik-in-beans 


POSTSCRIPTS. 


The  man  who  iz  eazily  in 
fluenced  and  yet  wont  be  ad 
vised,  iz  a  dredphull  hard  kritter 
to  steer 


Necessity  iz  the  very  best  gift 
ov  heaven,  without  it  poor  human 
natur  would  only  be  a  herd  ov 
loafers. 


What  a  man  gits  for  nothing, 
he  iz  very  apt  to  value  at  just 
about  what  it  kost. 


Opportumtys  are  like  birds, 
they  will  slip  out  ov  yure  hands 
if  yu  giv  them  haff  a  chance. 


THE    SPIDER. 

One  ov  the  most  ingenious,  and  hardest  workers  amung 
the  whole  lot  ov  little  bugs  in  kreashun  iz  the  common 
spider.  They  will  do  more  work  on  a  web,  in  six  hours, 
than  a  man  could  do  in  his  whole  life  time,  and  do  a 
mutch  better  job  into  the  bargin.  Spiders  are  the  mean 
est  reptiles  that  hang  around  the  footstool,  for  they  are 
the  only  ones  that  i  kan  think  ov  now,  that  set  traps  for 
their  viktuns.  They  are  az  mean  az  a  man  in  this  re- 
spekt.  Thare  iz  no  fun  in  a  spider,  he  iz  az  lonesum  az 
a  mizer,  he  spends  hiz  whole  life  making  webs,  and 
watching  them,  and  allways  lays  at  the  mouth  ov  hiz 
hole,  reddy  to  back  in  out  ov  danger.  A  man  will  go 
out  ov  hiz  way  rather  than  step  on  a  kricket,  and  would 
rather  skare  a  fly  than  kill  him,  az  sazzy  az  he  iz,  but  he 
goes  for  a  spider  with  both  feet,  and  seems  to  feel  melan- 
kolly  if  he  happens  to  miss  him.  Spiders  hav  no  friends 
in  this  world,  and  the  reazon  must  be  bekauze  their 
naturs  are  viscious,  and  cunning.  Theze  two  traits  will 
make  even  man  an  outlaw,  and  they  akt  just  the  same 
way  on  the  spider.  1  dispize  the  spider,  and  aint  afraid 
to  tell  him  so. 


DREGS. 

Every  man  thinks  he  iz  the  principal  bull  frog  in  the 
puddle,  and  rather  than  argy  the  case,  i  am  willing  to 
think  so  too. 


Mizery  luvs  company  but  iz  allwuss  jealous, — there 
never  waz  a  man  yet  but  what  thought  hiz  lame  back 
was  a  good  deal  lamer  than  hiz  nabors. 


31  Days. 


«a 


JULY. 


Full  of  cunning,  and  low  deceit, 

Witk  stolen  cream,  and  chickens  fat, 

Sweetly  in  dreams  he  lays  at  yure  feet, 
Judas  Iskariott,  in  shape  ov  a  tat. 


1877. 


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T  Warm  hotness 
<a  now  the  frog  Jj, 
sweats  (•)  thunder 
>ic  $  and  litening 
9  Amos  Jones  \3  ± 
SI  sloped  tf  1839 
south  wind  9  Q 
Amos  waz  a  wood- 
sawyer  ©  more  hot 
SS  •  now  borrow 
3  umbrellers  9  X 
thunder  Tf  showers 
let  us  hav  &  ^ 
peace  •  inkreasin^ 
hotness  3  now  pik 

0  •»*  green  corn  n 
wind  southly    tff — 
Q    ±    virtew  iz  its 

1  own  reward  t  very 
dusty  9  now  inhale 
juleps  <5  D  hot  grows 
Mary  Walker  f  jji 
3     born   (!)    1840 
kloudy  X  Mary  had 
Q    a  little    O    lam 
cooler    0    Job  waz 
iji  /s>  a  pashunt   fi 
fellow-  ijl   very  hot 
f  9  now  chew  S 
ice  Q)  g?   go  slow 


VAPOR. 


The  man  who  gits  hiz  edu- 
kashun  from  the  daily  papers, 
if  he  happens  to  miss  one,  haz 
lost  all  he  iz  a  going  to  kno  for 
the  next  24  hours. 


The  hardest  man  to  convince 
in  an  argument  iz  the  one  who 
alwuss  sez  "yes"  to  everything 
yu  say. 


I  would  rather  a  boy  ov  mine 
would  be  haflf  full  ov  deviltry, 
than  chuck  full  gravity, — but  i 
haint  got  enny  boy  yu  know. 


The  road  to  ruin  iz  down  hill, 
and  McAdamized  at  that 


THE    MILKSOP. 

The  milksop  iz  a  human  being  who  has  not  the  stamina 
ov  a  man,  nor  the  weakness  ov  a  woman.  He  iz  a  hibrid 
ov  the  nuter  gender,  without  karakter  enuff  to  make  him 
respekted,  or  dispized.  These  kind  ov  pholks  are  inno- 
sent  enuff  if  they  are  well  watched,  but  they  need  az 
mutch  watching  az  a  blind  baby  duz.  They  occupy 
quarters  about  haff  way  between  a  phool,  and  an  ideot. 
If  milksops  would  only  keep  still  but  few  would  suspekt 
them,  but  how  strange  it  iz,  that  the  thinner  a  man  iz, 
the  more  anxious  he  iz  to  get  into  a  strong  light 


THE    MIZER. 

The  mizer  digs  hiz  heart  out  hollow  to  stow  away  hiz 
munny  in.  He  akumulates  bi  littles,  and  never  opens 
hiz  harte,  only  on  a  krak,  to  let  another  shilling  in.  An 
old  mizer  iz  a  sad  sight  enuff,  but  next  to  an  ideot,  a 
yung  mizer  iz  the  most  revolting  thing  on  earth.  Mizers 
enjoy  what  they  dont  use,  looze  what  they  save,  and  die 
possessed  ov  the  only  treasure  that  iz  ov  no  use  to  them. 
The  most  terrible  sarkasm  iz  a  mizers  phuneral,  the  heir 
often  makes  it  gorgeous,  and  expensiv,  and  then  pitches 
hedlong  into  the  pile  the  old  phool  haz  left 


CHALK   MARKS. 

Advice  iz  generally  like  the  bred  and  cheese  we  giv 
to  beggars,  thrown  over  into  the  fust  vacant  lot  they 
cum  to. 

o 

Bigots,  enthusiasts,  and  clothes  pins,  all  hav  the  same 
sized  heds  on  them. 


31  Days. 


AUGUST. 


1877. 


Short  haired,  and  nervous  az  a  ghost, 

Answering  to  "Bill,"  or  "Ned"  or  "Fan," 

Death  on  rats,  and  sirloin  steak, 
Behold  the  sparkling,  Black  and  Tan. 


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Fiery  hot  1$  now 
Sj  the  kow  pants 
(Ep  thunder  with  11 
litenmg  -3  Bill  cr 
A  ft  Sprauge  died 
1500  Q  more  hot  ! 
Bill  Sprauge  Waz  7 
£a  fiddler  3  hotter 
Bill  fiddled  3  with  ! 
I»i  hiz  left  hand  O 
heavy  rain  "ST  ® 
23  sun  in  apogee  © 
more  cool  ©  new  ^ 
•H-  keep  cool  V3  hot 
the  grasshopper  % 
~3  CiF"  'z  a  burden 
S  more  hot  *  it 
Moses  waz  a  TTJJ  5 
~  meek  man  3  hot 
wetness  tig*  the  9 
rackcoon  iz  0  Ql 
O  a  kuss  £i  Sarah 

•  T  Pettibone  born 
Q  1846  $  red  hot  T 
Sarah  waz  kross  £ 
eyed   J   rfc   still   « 
D  hotter  ir  9  in  the 
3    X    midst  ov   Q 

*  life  *  we  *  are  * 
3    in  death    g    O 


COQUETS. 


I  hav  seen  men  load  a  gun 
klean  up  to  the  muzzle  to  kill 
a  chipping  bird  with,  and  git 
knokt  hed  over  heels  when  the 
gun  went  off,  and  miss  the  bird 
besides. 


The  man  who  livs  the  life 
ov  a  toadey  iz  a  kind  ov  human 
spit  box. 


Yu  will  find  plenty  ov  folks 
who  are  red  hott  to  hunt  tigers 
and  wild  kats,  only  muzzle  the 
kussid  kritters,  and  put  them  10 
or  fifteen  miles  off. 


The  man  who  haz  got  nothing 
but  the  truth  to  tell  allwuss  uses 
the  fust  words  he  kan  lay  hiz 
hands  on. 


LAZYNESS. 

Lazyness  seems  to  be  az  natral  az  onions,  and  just 
about  az  helthy  too.  The  lame,  and  the  lazy,  hav  allwuss 
been  provided  for,  sumboddy  haz  allwuss  waited  on  them, 
and  sumboddy  allwuss  will.  I  dont  luv  lazy  pholks,  i 
dont  even  respekt  them,  but  i  kant  help  but  admire  the 
way  they  eat.  I  never  knu  a  lazy  man  that  didn't  hav 
a  good  appetight  and  a  square  digestion.  Lazyness  iz 
the  fust  law  ov  natur,  and  for  that  reazon  is  entitled  to 
sum  respekt.  Lazy  folks  are  allwuss  good  natured,  i 
hav  seen  them  so  docile  that  they  wouldn't  file  flies. 
Lazyness  iz  often  mistaken  for  shifflessness,  but  thare  iz 
az  much  diffrence  az  thare  iz  between  a  hornet,  and  a  fly. 
I  had  rather  watch  two  raskalls  than  one  shiffless  kuss. 
Thare  are  sum  things  that  will  hurry  lazyness,  but  death 
is  the  only  sure  kure  for  shifflessnes. 


LAFFTER. 

Laffter  iz  the  joy  ov  the  soul  comeing  to  the  surface 
to  hav  a  good  time.  The  mule  kant  laff,  and  the  devil 
wont.  Laffing  iz  az  natral  az  the  meazles,  and  allmost 
as  ketching,  but  the  man  who  will  laff  when  he  dont  feel 
like  it,  iz  a  grate  koward  to  say  the  least,  and  may  be  a 
grate  villain.  Next  to  logick,  to  prove  things,  cums 
laffing,  and  the  hardest  man  for  ennyboddy,  or  enny  thing, 
to  beat,  iz  he  who  lafls  at  every  thing. 


GIMBLETS. 

I  hav  figgered  onto  it,  and  find  that  civilizashun  kosts 
about  90  cents  on  the  dollar. 

o 

One  quarrellsum  dog  will  demoralize  all  the  curs  in 
hiz  naborhood. 


30  Days. 


SEPTEMBER. 


1877. 


I.. 


I.'! 

o> 


What  he  kant  steal  must  be  tied  down, 
Ever  reddy  to  caw,  and  to  go, 

Thare's  nothing  so  full  ov  the  devil, 
Az  the  life,  and  labors,  ov  a  tame  krow. 


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3  Delitesum  A 
fi  weather  1?  rain 
listen  to  the  TIE  © 
•  mocking  bird  Q 
35  $  Pete  Brown 
ii  waz  discovered  5 
1856*  Windy  *Pete 
waz  diskovered  V3 
©  stealing  chickens 

|  more  weather  | 
now  brile  quails  2 
<J  3  wind  easterly 
<3  hope  deferred  • 
maketh*the*harte 
I  sik  $  more  softness 
$  f  Lucy  Smith  fl| 

married  1800  SS 
5  ^  it  rains  T  3 
/B  c  Lucy  married 
well  3  now  »*• 
$  bile  3  beans  • 
Jf  "3  ©  more  mild 
O  strike  while  0  n 
Q —  the  iron  — If 
iz  hot  .  ±  9  cool 

but  3  pleasant 
10  mills  make  ~  * 
one  cent  A  O  very 

S   slick  £  weather 


MISFITS. 


Thare  are  two  kinds  of  men 
that  fear  makes  phools  ov,  them 
who  are  afrade  of  nothing,  and 
them  who  are  afrade  of  every 
thing. 

I  would  respekfully  say  to  all 
that  klass,  "wA0  want  to  be  an 
angell,  and  with  the  angels 
dwell"  pleaze  drop  that  noshun, 
and  go  at  sumthing  usefull,  if  the 
Lord  .wants  enny  more  angels, 
he  will  let  yu  kno  in  due  time. 


Civil  war  iz  like  a  file  in  the 
family,  it  seldum,  if  ever,  waz 
known  to  be  healed.. 


If  thare  iz  no  hereafter,  kats 
and  dogs  are  better  off  than  we 
are. 


THE    D  UK. 

The  duk  iz  a  foul,  naturalists  say  so,  and  common  sense 
teaches  it.  Wild  duks  are  very  good  shooting,  and  very 
good  missing  too,  unless  you  understand  the  bizzness. 
I  hav  shot  at  them  all  day,  and  .got  nothing  but  a  few 
tale  feathers,  but  that  satisfied  me,  foY  i  am  crazy  for  all 
kinds  ov  sport,  you  know.  Thare  are  sum  kind  ov  duks 
that  are  very  hard  to  git  even  if  you  do  kill  them.  I 
shot  one  whole  afternoon,  three  years  ago,  at  sum  dekoy 
duks,  and  never  got  one  ov  them.  I  never  hav  told  even 
mi  wife  ov  this,  and  hope  no  one  will  repeat  it. 


THE    SANDY    HILL    CRANE. 

The  crane  iz  neither  flesh,  nor  foul,  but  a  sad  mixtur 
ov  theze  two  things.  He  mopes  along  the  banks  ov 
kreeks,  and  wet  places,  looking  for  sumthing  he  haz  lost. 
He  haz  a  long  bill,  long  wings,  long  legs,  and  iz  long  all 
over.  He  livs  upon  lizzards,  and  frogs,  and  sleeps  stand 
ing  on  one  leg,  like  a  gide  board.  Sumtimes  he  tips 
over  in  hiz  dreams,  and  then  hiz  bill  enters  the  ground 
like  a  pikax.  When  he  flies  thru  the  air  he  iz  az  grace- 
phull  az  a  wind  mill  that  haz  broke  away  from  its  fasten 
ings.  Cranes  are  not  very  plenty  on  this  earth,  but  at  the 
last  quotations,  the  supply  just  about  equals  the  demand. 


BLOSSOMS. 

The  reputashun  that  a  man  gits  from  hiz  ansesstors 
often  wants  az  mutch  altering  to  fit  him,  az  their  old 
clothes  would. 

0 

How  menny  people  thare  are  in  this  world  who  work 
for  the  devil  all  the  time,  and  then  look  to  the  lord  for 
their  pay. 


31  Days. 


I 

•o 

5,° 

!« 

d» 


OCTOBER. 


1877. 


This  Nu  Foundland  weight  94  founds, 
And  to  save  children  iz  willing, 

ff  yu  haint  no  pond,  nor  children  to  save. 
The  dog  aint  worth  a  shilling. 


"5 

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Bracing  weather  © 

now  squeeze  O  8 
3  •  apples  for 

sider  SI  more  cool 
$  Q  Sam  Lewis  a 
?  died  ®  1492  Q) 

frost  iff  ^  Sam  1? 

*  war  *  a  *  hard  * 
£3  shell   <f  Babtiss 
mutch  frost    X     A 

fi     now  exkavate 

-  p-o-t-a-t-o-s-€  - 
n     3     kold  grows 
V    Solaman   en  O 
¥  had  X  mutch  $ 
IV,    wives  »    ±  it 
hails   O   a    haste 
makes  waste  ffi   ~ 
—  osnow  falls  a  — 
9  now  O  chew  • 

sassage  #  more 
9  ±  cool  rji  Kate 
"5T  Savage  died  A 
1749  A  mutch  9 
t  frosty  w  Kite 
•$•  5  had  a  pug  0 
nose  *  £s  now  H 
Q  $  lift  turnips 
$  kolder  $  0 
ft  B3P"  go  slo  K 


IMPS. 


I  never  knu  a  man  to  brag  ov 
hi2  munny,  or  hiz  pedigree,  who 
had  enny  thing  else  worth  bragg 
ing  about 


The  meekest  Moses  in  the 
whole  lot  iz  the  man  who  haz 
found  out  that  he  kant  git  the 
thing  he  wants  the  most 


Thare  are  but  very  few  people 
in  this  world  who  hav  got  the 
nerve  to  be  allways  sassy  to  the 
deviL 


Before  a  vice  ov  enny  kind 
kan  bekum  very  dangerous  it 
haz  got  to  bekum  respektable. 


AN   EPISTOL, 

Dear  Snyder. — Yu  tell  me  that  yu  hav  got  the  blues, 
and  want  to  kno  how  to  git  shut  of  them.  The  follow 
ing  resipees  will  heal  yu  in  90  days  if  yu  stik  to  them 
klussly.  To  wit,  marry  sum  delikate  only  dauter  of  22 
summers  (more  or  less)  and  take  yure  mother  in  law 
home  with  yu  to  board,  this  will  oil  the  pores  of  the 
sistem,  and  the  blues  will  eskape  like  steam  out  of  the 
noze  of  a  tea  kittle.  Once  more,  hire  out  to  keep  a 
distrikt  skool  for  9  dollars  per  month,  and  hash  around 
the  naborhood,  or  take  a  3  year  old  kiking  heifer  to 
brake  to  milk,  this  will  open  yure  swareing  valves,  and 
so  hurry  the  blood,  that  the  blues  will  leave  yu  in  disgust, 
and  fasten  their  fangs  on  to  sum  other  phellow.  Againly, 
go  down  into  sum  marsh  in  the  kingdum  ov  Nu  Jersey 
fishing  for  frogs  in  the  month  ov  August,  and  fish  with 
one  hand,  and  slap  muskeeters  with  the  other,  and  the 
blues  will  take  the  hint  and  vacate  yure  natur  like  a 
shooting-star.  Try  either  ov  the  abuv  alteratives,  dear 
Snyder,  and  if  they  dont  work,  go  into  the  bak  yard  of 
sum  Irish  woman  and  kut  her  clothes  line  when  it  iz 
filled  with  the  weeks  washing,  and  if  yu  dont  git  the 
blues  taken  out  ov  yu,  and  a  good  deal  else  besides,  yu 
are  a  morbid  kuss  and  wont  pay  for  experimenting  on. 


BUBBLES. 

Hero's  are  skarse,  but  the  man  who  kan  make  poveity 
respektable,  is  one  ov  them. 


If  yu  would  eskape  envy,  abuse,  and  taxes,  yu  must 
liv  in  a  deep  well,  and  only  cum  out  in  the  nite  time. 


30  Days.  NOVEMBER. 


1877. 


The  Kackcoon  haz  a  striped  tail, 
And  steals  green  korn  amazing, 

Hiz  hide  iz  worth  6  bits  perhaps. 
But  coons  wont  pay  for  railing. 


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^  Sloppy  times  # 
now  the  pig  $  £ 
ft'  yells  *  more 
akold  $  Warren* 
Davis  failed  is  n 
•  mutch  weather 

?  5  Warren  Q-T? 
Davis  *  failed  =i 
iff  ¥  in  the  pea 
fX»  nutt  trade  jVt 
wet  sloppines  jgp 
<a  O  Judas  waz  a 
V3  ded  beat  c.  • 
liinikjriejaisiiinig! 
9  weather  A  expekt 

O  pak  pedlars  3 
^  more  J  kold  jji 
a  stich  in     J      © 
fi   0  time  saves  If 
A    nine  _^S  snow 

$  storm  ~  Mag  -D 
Birch  *  died  *  1826 
O  3€  hi  winds  | 
Mag  want  ±  ^ 
jjfa  °p  a  suckcess  K 
O  sour  fi  kold  Q) 
Ben  Franklin  s  Q 

/a     flu  a    /a 
$   kite    2{    V5    ± 


MAKE   WEIGHTS. 


Mankind  are  a  race  pv  co 
quets,  even  virtew  herself  luvs 
once  in  a  while  to  flirt  with  the 
devil. 


Luvers  will  manage  to  liv  on 
luv  for  a  very  long  time,  with  an 
ockashional  chance  at  beefstake 
and  onions. 


Biographys  are  delitesum  read 
ing,  we  kompare  all  the  virtews 
ov  the  persons  karakter  with  our 
own,  and  all  hiz  failings  with  our 
nabors. 


I  know  numbers  who  owe 
mutch  ov  their  virtew  to  their 
ekonemy,  they  are  too  stingy  to 
pay  the  market  price  ov  iniquity. 


THE    OWL. 

The  owl  iz  a  grizzly  grey  package,  and  haz  a  grate 
round  face  az  sober,  and  intelligent  az  a  Cheshire  cheese. 
They  kant  see  bi  dalite,  but  can  see  by  starlite  to  pik  up 
a  pin.  They  hunt  for  a  living,  and  are  very  smart,  and 
sudden,  on  a  field  mouse,  or  a  meddo  mole.  The  most 
wonderphull  thing  about  an  owl  iz  the  sollum  impor- 
tanse  ov  the  whole  kritter,  az  he  sits  on  hiz  perch,  looking 
over  kreashun,  just  az  tho  he  owned  the  whole  ov  it. 
Next  to  a  newly  elekted  Justiss  ov  the  Peace,  seated  on 
hiz  throne,  with  a  poor  devil  before  him.  charged  with 
the  emoshional  krime  ov  stealing  a  string  ov  onions,  the 
owl  haz  more  rare,  and  unfathomable  wisdum  in  hiz 
face  than  enny  thing  on  earth.  I  hav  looked  at  them 
for  haff  an  hour  stiddy,  in  a  shop  window,  to  see  if  they 
winkt,  untill  i  waz  ashamed  ov  mi  impudense,  but  theze 
owls,  i  found  out  afterwards,  waz  stuffed.  I  would  thank 
enny  one  to  tell  me  if  an  owl  ever  duz  wink,  and  if  so, 
how  often.  Owls  liv  to  a  good  old  age,  but  are  not  good 
for  diet,  they  are  one  ov  the  fu  things  we  kno  ov,  that  the 
more  yu  bile  them,  the  tuffer  they  gro.  Biled  owl  iz  the 
most  ungratefull  vittles  that  enny  man  ever  sot  in  front 
ov.  I  never  et  enny  biled  owl  but  once,  and  that  waz 
40  years  ago,  and  i  kan  taste  it  now,  every  time  i 
think  ov  it 

REMNANTS. 

I  kno  ov  people  so  fond  ov  contradickshun  that  it 
wouldn't  surprize  me  to  hear  them  disputing  with  a 
guide  board,  at  the  forks  ov  sum  kuntry  road,  about  the 
distance  to  the  next  town. 


Falling  in  luv  iz  like  falling  down  stairs,  we  never  kan 
tell  exackly  how  the  thing  waz  did. 


31  Days. 


DECEMBER. 


1877. 


.a  ° 


As  lean  in  flesh  at  a  grid  iron, 
Sollum  he  sits,  the  old  Fox  hound, 

Hiz  ears  hang  down  like  wet  rags, 
And  hiz  keen  noze  studdys  the  ground. 


p? 

0$- 


w 


13 


15 

16 


23 

24 

25 
26 
27 
28 
29 
3° 
3* 


M 


W 


M 


Items. 


Raw  S  kold  fi 
S  now  jam  fires 
more  iji  rawy  £= 

Peter  denied  hiz 
8  master  3  kold 
n  grows  'O  Dick  0 
a»  J,  Blister  died 
•H-  1839  O  more  A 
inklement  O  Dick 
?  Blister  *  waz  *  a 
(Ep  konfulence  man 
3dredphul  koldy© 

'JjT  now  dig  A 
ice  &  it  snows  f, 
ijl  7J  rounny  *  & 
iz  power  TIR  wind 
2)  0  O  nor  east 
Jackson  waz  a  ¥  4 
±  dimokrat  fl  big 
O  snow  **  in  time 
tdS~  ^  ov  peace  ~ 
prepare  V3  for  ^ 
jV«  ii  war  ©  • 
%  intense  S  kold 
fi  Molly  Bristow? 
born  8  1840  Q 
£?  kolder  ^  Molly 
•  waz  *  a  *  shopcj 
g  lifter  s  Good  Q 
«•:  Bye  everyboddy 


FROST  WORK. 


It  ought  to  be  a  fair  trade  to 
swop  religions,  but  whare  will 
yu  find  the  Christian  party  that 
iz  willing  to  do  it 


I  find  it  iz  a  grate  deal  eazier 
for  mi  philosophy  to  ackount 
for  original  .sin,  than  for  an 
attack  ov  the  jumping  tooth  ake. 


Temptashuns  iz  what  tries  a 
mans  moral  grip,  Adam  and 
Eve  were  very  good  plums  untill 
the  devil  shook  their  bush,  then 
they  let  go  their  holt  immijiately. 


Marrid  life  iz  too  often  a  mere 
trial  ov  enduranse. 


TRIALS  AND  PERSEKUSHUNS  OV  AN 
AUTHOR. 

Josh  Billings'  "Farmer's  Al/minax  "  for  the  year  1878 
is  now  on  our  desk,  and  why  will  the  friends  of  this  man 
allow  him  to  disgrace  himself,  and  humanity  too,  by 
spreading  such  nonsense  broadcast  through  the  land  ? 

St.  Louis  Advance. 


Vile  trash !  when  are  we  to  be  released  from  this 
annual  overflow,  this  ideotick  Allniinac?  Kind  heaven, 
tell  us  when. 

Milwaukee  Daily  Bread. 


Over  Ninety  Thousand  of  Josh  Billings'  "Farmer's 
Allminax"  are  sold  each  year.  How  long  iz  this  to 
continue?  Will  not  the  publick  arise  in  their  insulted 
dignity,  and  drive  this  pest  from  the  world  ? 

Boston  Pilgrim. 


Shoot  him  1  shoot  the  "Allminax"  maker. 

Arkansas  Bowie  Knife. 


Alass  !  alass  !  is  there  no  eskape,  is  thare  no  place  in 
the  wide  world  that  we  can  fly  to,  and  be  free  from  this 
sickening  visit — this  yearly  avalanche  ?  A  curse  on 
"  Josh  Billings'  Farmer's  Allminax." 

Chicago  Budget. 


31  Days.                   JANUARY.                          1878. 

SH-Jfe 

The  yung  Trotter  at  firtt. 

Az  he  stands  6i  hiz  d,int, 

It  all  legt  like  a  thanghi, 

And  an  meek  az  a  lam. 

O 

$ 

Brevity!. 

BRILLIANTS. 

I 

T 

jJti  Now  prospekt 

2 

W 

for  t3?~   'ce    -J£J 

I  allwuss  think  that  it  iz  good 

3 

T 

sighns  ov  kold    TT(_ 

taste,  and   pretty  good  religion 

4 

F 

Q)  the  bumble  bee. 

too,  when  a  inan  prays  for  the 

5 
6 

7 

G 

M 

iz  still  [?]    very  Hh 
kold  S   Pete  Hyer 
fl  perished  1814  TTJZ 

sins    ov  the    people,   to    count 
himself  in. 

a   more  ^  Icolder 

9 

W 

\Pet  GO  choked/ 

coo—  — 

10 
1  1 

F 

O  to  deth  <  big 

12 
13 

S 
G 

-:   snouness  :- 
Pete  Hyer  |  waz  If 
T  hung  A  fine  t«t 

Wimmin  dont  like  to  be  loved 
too  mutch,  and  i  rejoice  in  their 

H 

M 
T 

Q5  sleighing  ^  raw 

spunk. 

16 

W 

but  Q  kold  ifti  now 

17 

T 

Q)  puntch  =O=  fires 

too  " 

18 

F 

<  more  T  snow  > 

19 

S 

hooping  njj  3  cough 
invented  1  =  ?  1206 

Heathens,  poor  benighted  krit- 

20 

21 

M 

more  CD  rauness 

ters,  dont  indulge  in  horse  trotts, 

22 

T 

now  ()  pay  (!)  yure 

nor  law  suits  neither. 

23 

W 

C-tax_3  snow  4  ji_ 

24 

T 

feet  deep  -H-  Jane  ~ 

25 

F 

-i  Barker  *  fell  i^- 

-—«»— 

26 

S 

1832  (QD)  more  t¥t 

27 

G 

Kkotder       Jane-{ 

If  you  hav  enny  doubt  about 

28 
29 
3° 
31 

M 
T 
W 
T 

,sr  Barker  ^  fell  V 
|3JTdown  cellar  (!) 
CD  now  T  krak  O 
>bnttnutt  s.< 

the  propriety    ov  a  thing,  you 
may  be  pretty  certain  that  the 
doubt  iz  right. 

THE  CUCKOO,  AND  THE  JACKDAW. 
The  cuckoo  iz  about  the  size  ov  four  small  robins, 
and  iz  one  ov  the  fust  birds  to  tell  us  that  spring  haz 
fairly  cum.  This  iz  kind  in  the  cuckoo,  and  they 
ought  to  hav  a  vote  ov  thanks,  and  a  gold  medal  besides. 
Their  song  iz  a  good  deal  like  the  song  ov  a  tin  whissell, 
all  in  one  key,  but  enny  kind  ov  a  song,  from  enny 
living  kreature,  iz  acceptable.  These  birds  hav  one 
spot  in  their  naturs  entirely  diffrent  irom  enny  animate 
thing  I  kno  ov,  they  dont  seem  to  possess  the  least 
particle  ov  affeckshun  for  their  little  cuckoos.  They 
never  bild  enny  nests,  hut  lay  their  eggs  in  other  birds 
nests,  and  let  them  do  the  hatching.  This  would  be 
called  smart  in  a  man,  but  seems  to  me,  iz  dam  mean 
in  a  bird.  I  wonder  whare  they  lernt  this  trick. 

THE  JA  CKDA  W. 

The  jackdaw,  like  the  raven,  iz  born  ov  blak  parents, 
and  iz  about  one  quarter  the  size  ov  the  common  krow. 
Their  food  seems  to  konsist  ov  enny  thing,  and  their 
appetights  are  az  klamarous  az  a  distrikt  skool  just  let 
out  to  play,  at  lunch  time.  They  lay  two  eggs,  and 
both  eggs  would  probberly  hatch  out  if  they  waz  solid, 
for  the  Jackdaw  iz  bound  to  liv,  and  prosper.  They 
luv  man,  and  his  ways,  and  are  allwuss  found  az  kluss 
to  him  az  they  kan  git. 

CHIPS. 

The  best  relief  for  the  rumatiz,  that  haz  been  diskov- 
ered  yet,  iz  to  find  sum  phellow  who  haz  got  the  gout 
bad,  and  then  pitty  him. 

o 

About  the  time  a  man  haz  got  old  enuff  to  travel  a 
good  gait  on  hiz  experience,  death  taps  him  on  the 
shoulder,  and  wants  him  just  around  the  corner. 


28  Days.                 FEBRUARY.                         1878. 

ISHS 

But  he  grows  like  a  weed. 

'  Till  he  iz  four  years  oldt 

He  iz  hi  Iieaded,  and  rangey, 

Flat-footed,  and  bold. 

(!) 

» 

Brevitys. 

BAUBLES. 

I 

F 

rtti  Kold  ::  more 

2 

S 

so  fil  now  thrash  ^f 

About   the  hardest  condishun 

3 

G 

beans    j^i  very  ei 

ov  life  to  sustain,  iz  one  ov  re 

4 
5 

M 

T 

kolder  >  Betsey  —  : 
Mitchell  S  born  Q) 

spektable  poverty. 

6 

W 

1842  |^~  kold   •*• 

7 

T 

continues  N  /Betsey 

8 
Q 

l< 
S 

Mitchell  -:  had  -H- 
a  J2?3"  cork  leg  < 

Thare  are  folks  who  kant  bear 

10 

G 

U  kolder  I  still  1 

to  do  enny  thing  unless  thare  iz  a 

II 

M 

5^1  now    smite  Q) 

commishun  in  it,  if  they  subskribe 

12 

I 

wood  oo  wind  west  § 

a  thousand  dollars  for  bilding  a 

14 

16 

T 

F 
S 

Hank  Brewster  :: 
died  1756  c~  snow 
N  falls  E  Hank  N 

church,  they  want  10  per  cent  off 
for  cash. 

17 

G 

Brewster  §  died  a  [] 

000—— 

18 

10 

M 
T 

/lazyness  f  koldoa 
waxes  §  now  the  f 

The  man  who  kant  find  enny 

20 

W 

hornet  izhush  §  sum 

thing  to  do,  gennerally  hunts  with 

21 

22 

T 
F 

more  snow  *  whiske 
iz  a  tonick=  very  If 

grate  caushun. 

2^ 

S' 

kold:-now  pla  kards 

ceo  

24 

G 

it  thaws  $  Lazarus 

25 

M 

died  poor  O  sighns 

Buty  has  won  menny  a  viktory 

2b 

i 

ov  snow  en  now  ^ 

but  seldum  has  suckceeded  in 

27 
28 

W 
T 

renew  notes::  more 
snowokeep  calm. 

keeping  it  long. 

K. 

Kontentment  \z  not  one  ov  mi  strong  holts,  i  never 
am  kontented  unless  i  am  fast  asleep.  If  i  could  hav 
mi  choice,  to  be  thoroly  kontented  with  things  az  i  find 
them  in  this  world,  or  be  a  Rockaway  klam,  i  would  be 
the  klam. 

L\ 

Lav  iz  a  game  for  young  folks  to  pla  at,  but  when  a 
man  gits  az  old,  and  az  homely  az  i  am,  and  takes  a 
hand  at  it,  he  iz  sure  to  git  ukered.  If  ten  waz  the 
game,  Cupid  could  giv  an  old  phellow  seven  points,  and 
then  beat  him  badly. 

M, 

Milk  Puntch  iz  a  fluid  that  i  do  luv  extrornary  well, 
and  aint  ashamed  to  oun  it  But  whether  it  iz  the  milk 
in  it,  or  the  puntch  in  it,  that  suits  me  so  well,  i  aint 
obliged  to  tell.  Human  uatur  iz  weak  yu  kno,  and 
needs  a  little  puntching  up,  in  a  hot  day. 

N. 

Nonsense  iz  one  ov  mi  prinsipal  weaknesses,  i  tuv  it 
in  any  shape,  but  az  quails  on  toast  improve  the  quails, 
and  dont  hurt  the  toast,  so  i  prefer  to  hav  mi  nonsense 
bill  on  sense.  Good  nonsense  iz  one  pv  the  rarest 
artikles  in  the  literary  bazaar,  and  allwuss  commands 
admirashun,  and  fetches  a  good  price. 

SQ  UIBS. 

Human  beings  are  natral  slovens,  yu  hav  got  to  hold 
a  yung  one  tight  to  wash  hiz  face  the  fust  time,  and  to 
comb  hiz  hair,  yu  hav  acktually  got  to  run  him  down. 


The  man  who  haint  never  bin  cheated,  dont  kno  so 
mutch  az  he  will  sum  day  before  long  perhaps. 


31  Days. 


MARCH. 


1878. 


Then  he  iz  harnettt,  and  broke, 

A  hard  task  indeed, 
And  handled  quite  gently, 

To  drain  out  his  sfeed. 


M 


W 


13 
M 

15 


W 


18 
'9 


23 
24 
25 
26 

27 
28 
29 
3° 


M 


W 


Brevity!. 


y  Windy  !-now 
hunt  for  fg,  maple 
sugar  GO :—  mutch  3 
•H-wind  O  Jabez  x 
Brown  jy~  run  £ 
away  O  1840:-  it 
c_rains  -i  Jabez  O 
fX,  run  zr  away 
with  (£)  Suzan  TH, 
3  Fletcter  +  now 

>  the    frog    iJt, 
ty  !  yells  !  Jg$ 
(Qwindy  o  some  3 
haste  tVt  makes  $ 
ty  waste  (  1  )  rain 
>^t  and    O  wind 
(£  now  =   fri  flfe 
nutcakes  rtd  sum  * 
r-more  •«•  wind  = 
f  Joel  f  Sprauge  f 
Omarrid    1400    > 
wind  A  nor  west  < 
now   T   murder  •«• 
E    kats    Q    more 
::     wind   co    buty 
rttt  for  /  ashes  < 
+wind  *howleth:: 
E  sow  £?  peas-  rtit 
^   more  a\  wind3 

>  go   Qt  slow  rth 


BAGATELLES. 


An  illustrious  pedigree  iz  a 
risky  possesshun,  the  world  wont 
kompare  you  with  yure  peers,  nor 
with  yureself,  but  are  all  the  time 
striking  a  ballance  between  you, 
and  yure  ded  grandfather 


A  ded  beat  iz  a  natural  born 
hipokrit,  he  haz  kapasity  enuff  to 
make  him  respektable,  but  the 
devil  holds  a  fust  mortgage  on 
it. 

A  careless  man  in  a  family  iz 
simply  a  noosance,  but  a  sluttish 
woman  iz  wuss  than  a  blister. 


I  hav  finally  got  to  that 
point  whare  I  aint  very  posative 
ov  what  other  people  kno,  and 
aint  at  all  certain  ov  what  I  kno 
miself. 


THE  CENT  A  UR,. 

The  centaur  iz  not  an  Amerikan,  but  blooms  in  the  land 
far  away  to  the  eastward,  whare  the  musfceeto  iz  unknown, 
and  whare  the  pensiv  kokroach  putteth  in  no  appearance. 
He  is  haff  horse,  and  haff  sum  other  phellow,  and  hunts 
for  fun,  and  sumthing  to  eat.  He  haz  got  a  hed  on  him 
like  Demostheneze  ov  old,  and  wears  hiz  hair  short  in 
front,  but  flooded  down  on  hiz  nek,  and  over  hiz  shoul 
ders,  like  a  growth  ov  yung  hop  vines,  in  a  hot  house. 
Hiz  instrument  iz  a  bo,  and  arro,  and  he  kan  assassinate 
the  stupendous  elephant  440  yards  distant,  or  pik  a  sin 
gle  feather  off  from  the  top  ov  a  humming  birds  hed  on 
the  fly  The  centaur  allwuss  hunts  on  horsebak,  and 
leads  a  free  and  cheap  life.  When  in  the  ackt  ov  shoot 
ing  the  vast  elephant,  or  the  remorseless  tiger,  hiz  hed  iz 
-thrown  finely  bak,  hiz  eye  gleams  like  a  lost  Jewell,  hiz 
hair  quivers  like  an  aspen  leaf,  courage  smiles  in  hiz  face, 
hiz  breast  grows  wider,  and  the  muscles  in  hiz  arm  hang 
down  like  hornets'  nests,  hiz  tale  whips  the  air,  and  hiz 
hooffs  ov  steel  ring  on  the  turf.  I  hav  et  plain  hash 
untill  i  am  tired  ov  it,  and  would  like  no  better  phun 
than  to  mount  a  centaur,  without  enny  bridle  on  him, 
and  with  a  mermaid  in  front  ov  me,  and  a  ghost  behind, 
lake  a  free,  and  rekless  ride,  a  ride  ov  genius,  to  the 
•nds  ov  the  earth.  But  I  suppoze  I  should  git  sik  ov 
this,  in  a  day,  or  two,  and  want  to  ride  sumthing  else. 

IMPS. 

Poverty  haz  been  called  safe,  but  poverty  even,  haz 
got  to  lock  up  its  mouldy. bread,  and  cheeze,  or  loze  it. 


Honesty  iz  the  rarerest  welth  enny  one  kan  possess, 
and  yet  all  the  honesty  in  the  world,  aint  lawful  tender 
for  a  loaf  ov  bread. 


30  Days.                     APRIL.                              1878. 

When  he  reaches  six  years, 

He  iz  called  a  full  horse. 

And  iz  thought  fit  to  trot, 

For  a  puss  on  the  course. 

3 

,JL 

Brrvitys. 

REVOLVERS. 

M 

•  Soft    weather 

2 

T 

the    dandylion  fgi 

He  who  haz  nothing  to  do  in 

3 

W 

cometh     c~    warm 

this  world  but  to  amuze  himself, 

4 

S 

T 

F 

rain  ::  now  the  o 
robin  =  skreameth 

haz  got  the  hardest  job  on  hand  I 
kno  ov. 

6 

S 

>—  sum  —  '    more  T£ 

7 

G 

softness  $Bill 

COS  

8 

M 

Baxter  ^  sprained 

9 

T 

4  hiz  =  ankle  :: 

Thare  iz  nothing  that  yu  and  I, 

10 

ii 

12 

W 
T 
F 

S 

1836=  it  rains  0 
TTJJ  Venuss  waz  m» 
^  the  (?)  goddess  i2 
ovbutyN  brighc  < 

make  so  menny  blunders  about, 
and  the  world  so   few,  az   the 
aktual  amount  ov  our  importance. 

X4 

G 

day  K  $  now  chuck 

15 

M 

<o  in  2^=  onion  R 

—  -COS  

16 

T 

seed   $  1?  mild  YV 

17 

W 

O  and  O  pretty  £T 

The  fust  thing  a  man  duz  in 

18 

T 

«•  Ben  Franklin  :: 

the  morning,   iz  to  feel   for  hiz 

20 

S 

=  iz  ded  ;:  mutch 

pocket-book,  and   the  fust  thing 

21 

G 

rain  =   £  now  = 

a  woman   duz,  iz   to  see  if  the 

22 

M 

ffit  fish    c~  for  tVi 
suckers  =  wind 

looking  glass  iz  all  right. 

23 

^ 

W 

V3  southy  t?  by  J 

4 

'!' 

©  south  <  Bacchus 

.jy. 

25 
26 

i 

F 

waz  a  winebibber  j: 

27 
28 
29 

3° 

S 
G 

M 
T 

c-  soft  V3  rain  <£> 
a  Sam  $  Perkins> 
:-died  1813  25  hot 
the  violet  iz  here  !  ! 

He  who  works  for   notoriety 
had  rather  be  insulted,  than  not 
be  notissed  at  all. 

THE  AUCKSHIONEER. 
The  auckshioneer  iz  ah  unfortunate  individual  who 
duz  other  peoples  lieing  for  10  dollars  a  day,  and  boards 
himself.  He  haz  got  az  mutch  jaw  az  a  wolf  trap,  and 
as  rmitch  cheeck  az  a  10  year  old  mule.  He  fakes  up 
the  profeshun  quite  often  on  the  same  principle  that  a 
horse  doktor  duz  hiz,  not  bekause  he  iz  fit  for  the  bizz- 
ness,  but  just  to  hav  one  in  the  naborhood.  His  gratest 
pride  iz  to  mingle  what  he  calls  humor  with  hiz  talk 
when  he  iz  on  the  block,  but  hiz  jokes  are  gennerally  az 
level  az  a  ksold  slapjax.  He  iz  at  the  hight  ov  hiz  am- 
bishun  when  he  haz  worried  a  laff  out  ov  the  bistanders, 
and  uses  the  same  rhetorick,  and  similees,  when  he  sells 
out  a  line  ov  bank  securitys,  that  he  duz,  when  he  closes 
out  an  old  one-eyed  pelter,  under  a  chattell  mortgage, 
in  frunt  ov  the  kourt  house.  A  kuntry  auckshioneer, 
and  a  kuntry  horse  jockey,  are  two  wonderphull  cusses, 
in  the  rural  deestrikts.  I  hav  been  an  auckshioneer 
and  kno  what  i  am  talking  about. 

THE    OLD   MAID. 

The  old  maid  iz  the  last  gooseberry  left  on  the  bush, 
ded  ripe,  and  reddy  to  fall  off  at  the  fust  good  shake. 
She  iz  sumtimes  a  leetle  hard  to  suit,  but  iz  quite  often 
the  most  charming  relick  in  the  naborhood.  Next  to 
mothers  in  law,  old  maids  hav  been  abuzed  more  than 
enny  thing  human,  but  they  all  ov  them  hav.  a  warm 
spot  in  their  hearts,  that  enny  decent  person  iz  welkum 
to  krawl  into,  and  sun  fhemselfs. 

BLISTERS. 

Too  mutch  altenshun  to  little  things  spiles  a  man  for 
bigger  ones,  I  kno  a  fellow  who  kan  make  a  fust  rate 
whissell  out  ov  a  pigs  tail,  and  this  iz  all  he  kan  do. 

O 

Wit,  in  a  woman,  kan  never  replace  the  want  ov  buty. 


31  Days.                       MAY.                               1878. 

JSL    '<_ 

Five  years  ov  fasst  work. 

He  iz  bunged  up,  and  done, 

Kite:  sprung^  and  spavined, 

Hiz  spirit  iz  gone. 

Q. 

0 

Brevitys. 

COBWEBS. 

I 

W 

^T  Butiful  May  ! 

2 

T 

air  ©  soft  ly  g 

The  happiest  people  after  all, 

3 

F 

J^"now  churn_JFJ 

are   thoze  who   are  worked  the 

4 

S 

butter  —  :   rainy  iS) 

the  hardest,  and  fed  the  best. 

5 

G 

OMose  Sherman  ty 

6 

M 

&,  born     1792  3s 

7 

T 

:—  wind  J  fitful  —  : 

cos  

8 

W 

::  Mose  Sherman  % 

9 

T 

+  waz  a  tinker  (B> 

Thare  iz  sum  men  who  hav  so 

10 

F 

c 

rtti     soft  day    1^1 

little  bakbone  that  you  kant  help 

1  1 

12 

o 

G 

now  bury  bean?  % 

them,  you  mite  as  well  undertake 

13 
14 

M 
T 
W 

—  :  warm  1$  rain  = 
•H-  the  f  way  f  OV-H- 
*  the  transgressor  f 

to   stand  an   angleworm   up   on 
end,  and  ask  him  to  dance  a  jig. 

16 

T 

iz  hard  o.  gentle  J 

weather  O  VE>  now 

t**> 

i? 

F 

the  old  t^t  hen  -H- 

18 

S 
G 

X    kakl  e  t  h  $ 

If  you  give  a  beggar  nine  dol 

20 

M 

more  *»*  weather* 

lars,  at  different  times,  and  then 

21 

T 

Juno  J  waz  $  the  $ 

refuse  him  the  tenth,  he  will  sware 

22 
23 

W 
T 

|  wife  ov  Jupiter  X! 
l)tt   bright   and  r\ 

you  have  cheated  him  out  of  it. 

24 

F 

butiful    TtJ    now 

25 

S 

*  insert  *Sh  corn  | 

'COS 

26 

G 

as,  Abram  North  35 

27 

M 

A  killed  f^  1819  A 

One  haff  the  trubbles  ov  this 

28 

T 

pretty  day*  Abram 

life    kan    be    traced    to   saying 

29 

W 
T 

was    stung    to  *»* 
dethness  bi  hornets 

"  Yes  "  too  quick,  and  not  saying 

3i 

F 

allass  !  !    allass  !  !  ! 

"  No  "  soon  enuff. 

INDISKRIMINATE   HINTS. 

I  receaved  a  circular  yesterday  inviting  me  to  buy  a 
ticket  in  a  gift  distrubiting  skeme,  i  didn't  invest,  i  hav 
often  bought  into  theze  magnificent  chances,  and  all  that 
i  hav  ever  drawed  yet,  waz  the  wool  over  mi  eyes.  A 
cow  that  will  leak  18  quarts  of  milk  per  diem  iz  a  good 
one,  but  one  that  will  flow  30,  iz  better.  This  may  look 
like  an  assershun  ov  mine,  but  the  more  yu  look  into  it, 
the  more  milk  yu  will  diskover.  Thare  aint  but  fu  cows 
that  will  giv  30  quarts  ov  milk  a  day  unless  yu  irrigate  it 
well.  I  kant  say  if  it  will  pay  yu  to  keep  a  cow,  or  not, 
yu  kan  buy  a  "Readily  Reckoner"  at  enny  ov  the  book 
stores,  for  75  cents,  and  they  tell  all  about  theze  things. 
If  i  waz  called  upon  to  advise  a  Mother  in  law,  i  should 
tell  her  never  to  suggest  enny  thing  in  the  family  at  all, 
if  she  sees  the  babys  stockings  agin  the  stove,  burning 
up,  let  them  burn,  if  she  sees  the  kat  stealing  kream,  off 
from  the  top  ov  the  milk  kans,  let  her  steal,  if  thare  iz 
enny  thing  lost,  and  the  whole  household  are  hunting  for 
it,  and  she  knows  right  whare  it  iz,  keep  mum,  and  let 
them  hunt.  I  kant  tell  whitch  iz  the  best  breed  ov  lap 
dogs,  all  i  kno  about  the  diffrent  breeds  iz  that  the  whole 
lot  are  a  kussid  shame,  and  noosance.  Hats  are  very 
growthy,  so  growthy,  that  yu  dont  need  but  one  good 
helthy  rat  to  commence  operations  with,  and  in  three 
years,  yu  will  hav  rats  to  spare. 


WAIFS. 

Next  to  going  barefoot,  for  solid  cwnfort,  cums  an 
old  shoe. 


I  beleave  in  ghosts, — only  a  little,*- just  ennfftb  keep 
up  an  assortment 


30  Days.                       JUNE.                              1878. 

\      ^^-^J=1-fcrJ                     —  ^ 

p8rifel 

luffluDMJ 

j|  n^nfiCtf  ...,fnM~   5j  5 

Now  to  a  street  kart 

Staggering  he  goes, 

Receiving  for  fay, 

Only  curses  and  blows. 

• 

c~ 

Brevity!. 

FRIZZLE. 

s 

2 

G 

•  June  bugs    i¥i 

About  all  us  old  fellows  kan  do 

3 

M 

es>  are  here  O  leafy 

to  enny  advantage,  iz  to  nuss  our 

4 

T 

weather    (3)  John 

rumatizz  quietly  in   sum  corner, 

5 

W 

Bigg  deceased  $913 

and  guess,  that  it  iz  a  going  to 

6 

7 

1 

F 

=  warm  and  wet  co 
{g^~  John  Bigg  -t 

rain  tommorow,  or  that  it  aint. 

8 

S 

•j^i  operated  in  xs 

CO3 

9 

G 

IIS.  klams  SI-  hotter 

Military  taktiks  are  a  good  thing 

10 

M 

fi\   now  O  the  j£i 

to   file    injuns  with,   when    the 

it 

12 
14 

1 

W 
T 
F 

kokroach  <arunneth 
bright  and  liquid  T 
f  now  prepare  for  f 
rain  g  them  shalt  T 

injuns  are  65  miles  off,  but  when 
the  file  cums,  yu  want  to  kill  the< 
injuns  fust,  and  then  alter  the 

IS 

b 

not  steal  >  sum  O 

case  to  fit  the  taktiks. 

16 

G 

M 

wind  —i    now    egg 

003  

jj 

T 

W 

[  hens    If    for  f^ 
chickensTf  wind  sow 
bi  ni  sow-east  rt£» 

A  woman  never  iz  more  happy 
than   when   she    haz    four  men 

20 

21 

T 
F 

TT  Vulcan  |  was  Tf 

waiting  on  her  all  to  once,  but 

22 

S 

O   a  blak  A  smith 

more   than  one   woman  fussing 

G 

§  warmer  ^  all  If 

over  a  man  .at  the  same  time, 

24 
25 

M 
T 

natur  j^k  jumps  ^f 
^f  hot  GO  Sam  iVi 

makes  him  feel  dredphull  unsartin. 

?6 

VV 

XS'  Burbanks  born  Tf 

eoa  

27 
28 
29 

3° 

T 
F 
S 
G 

1812  IT\   hotsum 
rain  j^(  Sam  playd 
the  juicegharp 
mutch    g  r  o  w  t  h  y 

Thare  iz  nothing  will  demoral 
ize  a  man  fasster,  than  to  git  into 
the  habit  ov  doing  hous  work. 

TWO   LETTERS. 

Dear  Laubenhimer. — I  dont  know  who  writ  "  Babe* 
in  the  Woods"  but  who  ever  did,  hit  natur.  I  hav  forgot 
now  the  diagnosis  ov  the  book,  all  i  kan  remember  iz,  i 
red  it  when  i  waz  a  boy,  and  i  bought  one  25  years  after 
that  for  mi  son,  and  only  last  week,  bought  another  for 
mi  grandson,  and  when  he  grows  up  to  be  a  man,  and  iz 
wed,  and  haz  results,  he  will  buy  if  for  hiz  children. 
Robinson  Kruso,  Jak  the  Giant  Killer,  and  babes  in  the 
woods,  will  wear  az  long  az  allminaxes  will.  I  dont  kno 
az  thare  iz  a  partikle  ov  bible  truth  in  them,  but  they  are 
so  wonderphull,  that  if  they  didn't  never  cum  to  pass,  it 
seems  az  tho  they  ought  to. 


Dear  Onderdonk. — Thare  iz  only  one  way  to  brake  a 
kiking  heifer,  and  that  iz,  to  stop  her  growth  bi  deth. 
When  a  heifer  gits  to  kiking,  the  smartest  mishionary  in 
the  world  kant  console  her,  she  will  kik  over  her  own 
mother,  just  az  liberally  az  she  will  a  perfekt  stranger. 

They  will  allways  manage  to  stand  middling  still  untill 
yu  git  the  pail  just  about  full,  and  then  for  fear  they  wont 
hit  it,  they  will  kik  with  both  feet  to  oust,  and  squeal 
into  the  bargain.  After  they  hav  kikt  the  milk  over,  they 
are  perfektly  resighned,  and  will  stand  and  chew  their 
kud,  and  let  yu  milk  them  for  two  hours  if  yu  .want  to. 


B  UO  VS. 

The  fust  man  that  waz  murdered  in  this  world  waz  the 
only  pure  one  living  at  that  time. 


I  like  to  see  all  things  true  to  natur,  even  a  hornet 
that  kant  sting,  is  a  melankolly  failure. 


31  Days.                       JULY.                                 1878. 

^JI?^-2^, 

^Yffi  .^SSKJ^^BB 

Next  to  a  tart, 
He  plods,  and  he  moans, 
A  skeleton  phantom, 
A  mere  rak  ov  bones. 

S3 

4 

Brevitys. 

WATCHWORDS. 

I 

M 

T     Grate    J®" 

2 

T 

3   warmnessj 

A  good  landlord  haz  no  publik 

3 

W 

t^J(    now   the    »^i 

opinyun  ov  hiz  own,  when  called 

4 

1 

S-  hopper  grass.jgj) 

upon  to  decide  between  two  ov 

5 

Z?  lafleth  s  sum  s 

hiz  boarders,  he  takes  them  one 

7 
8 

G 
M 

more  hot     T     Pan 
§  waz  If  a  shephard  | 
CgT'more  heat    Tf 

side  seperately,  and  tells  each  ov 
them,  what  a  kussid  phool  the 

9 

T 

^  Fred  Munson  s 

other  fellow  is  making  ov  himself. 

£?•    broke   his    fff 

ii 

T 

0)arm   t    13863 

cos.  .. 

12 

b 

as  thunder  and  £7 

The  man  who  iz  anxious  to  liv 

13 

S 

3  Htening  ^  now 

hiz  life  over  again,  iz  proberbly 

IS 

M 

the  ram  butteth   ^ 

more  ov  a  spekulator  at  heart, 

16 

17 

T 

IV 

E2?~growing  hot  £? 
now  probe*  for  5 

than  a  philosopher  or  a  Christian. 

18 

T 

ice  kream  0  more 

SCO  

20 

F 

S 

sVi     thunder     5^1 
T  multiplikashun  § 
table  diskovered  <o 

Total  depravity  iz  a  hard  thing 
for  me  to  believe,  but  i  must  say, 

22 

M 

826  |^»  now  twitch 

that    i    often    meet    cases    that 

2^ 

T 

lettiss     <a  more  <5\ 

wouldn't  pay  more  than   5   per 

24 

W 

heaty    £2p     Jane 

cent  for  rektifying. 

2S 

T 

IT   Ferguson  O   "s> 

26 

F 

vamosed  £7  1840 

•coo---- 

27 

S 

T  hot  §   abates  Tf 

A  "Cuss"  iz  a  kritter  who  iz 

28 
29 

3° 
31 

G 

st 

T 

W 

Jane    vamosed_^J| 
with  T  one  Sam  § 
Peters  J  it  rains  f  f 
TIJI    sich  iz  life     JJ. 

just  a  little  more  respektabel  than 
a  loafer,  and  just  a  little  less 
dangerous  than  a  renegade. 

THE  RHINOSSEROSS  AND    THE    VIOLET. 

The  rhinosseross  iz  strikly  a  forrin  invenshun,  and  i  am 
glad  ov  it.  They  are  a  one  horned  experiment,  and  that 
horn  grows  on  the  tip  ov  their  nose.  If  they  are  haff  az 
unhappy  az  they  look,  they  are  the  most  mizerable  krit- 
ters  ever  invented.  Their  great  value  is  in  their  skarsity, 
if  they  waz  az  plenty  az  organ  grinders,  they  wouldn't  be 
enny  more  of  a  luxury.  If  i  waz  offered  mi  choice 
between  a  rhinosseross,  and  an  anakondy,  i  should  figger 
on  them  cluss,  for  a  fortnight,  and  then  refuse  to  take 
either. 

THE    VIOLET. 

Little  blu  eyed  innocent,  i  saw  yu  one  year  ago,  this 
very  day,  in  this  same  cold,  and  sunless  spot,  (perhaps  it 
mite  hav  been  yure  sister)  far  away  from  human  eyev  or 
human  footsteps.  It  waz  winter  then,  so  it  iz  now,  but 
they  call  it  spring.  Yu  are  too  gentle  for  this  cheerless 
place,  do  the  fairys  visit  yu,  and  whisper  words  ov  luv 
and  hope.  Yu  need'nt  hang  yure  hed  and  tremble, 
i  wont  hurt  yu,  gladly  would  i  swop  places  with  yu, 
neglected  az  yu  are,  yu  kant  be  lost,  i  may  be.  Stay 
right  whare  yu  are  little  innosent,  the  fust  luv  sik  maiden 
i  kum  akrost,  i  will  send  to  keep  yu  company,  she  will 
hav  a  lot  ov  silly,  and  soft  things,  to  tell  yu. 

UNDER GRO  WTH. 

A  "Stool  Pigeon"  iz  one,  who  iz  willing  to  be  az 
wicked  az  he  knows  how,  but  who  haz  to  be  taught  all 
the  iniquity,  ov  enny  consequence,  that  he  possesses. 


Men  who  hav  the  most  real  power,  sho  it  the  least, 
while  thare  aint  a  more  terrible  engine  ov  the  law,  than 
a. fresh  elekted  constable. 


31.  Days.                     AUGUST.                             1878. 

fjfSI? 

When  he  kant  pull  a  found, 

And  won't  even  try, 

He  is  dropt  bi  his  owner, 

And  turned  out  to  die. 

3 

ft 

Hi;  vitys. 

SKRAPS. 

I 

T 

3  Hot  but  dusty 

2 

F 

T  Behold  the   rth 

Repentanse  iz  the  most  satis- 

3 

S 

*     festiff    a* 

faktory  duty  that  a  man  can  per 

4 

J^-muskeeter    ,r 

form,  but  it  wont  kure  the  headake 

5 
6 

T 

<SM   draws  nigh    /SM 

next  day,  nor  pay  for  the  hot  rum, 

7 

W 

\  dust  with  heat  § 

and  cigars,  it  took  to  make  it. 

8 
9 

'I1 
F 

now  inquire  a    for 

10 

S 

r 

a*   big  shower    a* 

12 

M 

§    now  the  hen    § 

Thare  may  be  some  perfectly 

*3 
14 

T 

W 

r-  pants  -«-  cool  —  , 
m  O  nights  O  f> 
(£  Sam.  Carter  3 

happy  people  in  this  world,  but  if 
they  undertake  to  prove  it,  they 

*b 
16 

1  obituated  1865  J 

will  lay  themselfs  open  to  sus- 

17 

S 

sum  more  J  hotlys 

pishun. 

f  • 

§  Sam  Carter  waz  | 

em— 

IP 

M 

a  a  ded  nj,  beet  \ 

20 
21 
22 

T 

W 
T 

s:    sighns    as. 
O    ov  thunder     ± 
Xf    /now  lift/     t) 

I  never  knu  a  man  who  lived 
upon  hope,  but  what  spent  hizold 

23 

F 

ijfc,  coucumbers  rt£« 

age  at  sumboddy  else's  expense. 

24 

S 

(D     rain     and     $ 

2-5 

G 

O      lightning      O 

VCK 

26 

M 

"  Mu«     shall    not 

27 

T 

lie"Q  much  TIJ  a* 

To   bekum    famous    requires 

28 
29 
30 
31 

VV 
T 
F 

S 

G  warmth  *  now 
keep  as  cool  3  •* 
OthundersO 
jy  hark  1!!   <i  & 

mutch  time,  and  merit,  —  fust  to 
be  entitled  to  it,  an  seckondly, 
not  to  git  cheated  out  ov  it. 

THE    BACHELOR. 

The  old  bachelor  iz  born  in  the  maskuline  way,  but 
often  changes  hiz  base,  to  the  nuter  gender.  He  thinks 
he  haz  got  a  good  lone  hand,  but  in  playing  it,  alltnost 
allways  gits  ukered.  Sumtimes,  late  in  life,  he  makes 
up  hiz  mind  to  git  marrid,  and  then,  allmost  invariably, 
thare  are  two  partys,  who  are  disapointed. 

THE    QUACK. 

The  quack  knows  he  iz  a  ded  beat,  but  he  allso  knows 
that  mankind  luv  to  be  cheated.  He  allwuss  haz  sum 
speshiallity,  and  the  more  diffikult  iz  the  disseaze,  the 
more  brazen  iz  he,  in  hiz  offers  to  kure  it.  He  preys 
upon  the  unfortunate,  and  it  would  be  az  unprofitable 
to  prove  malpraktiss  aginst  him,  az  it  would  bigamy, 
aginst  a  wharf  rat. 

THE    DEAKON. 

The  deakon  iz  the  fust  lutenant  in  a  meeting  house. 
He  iz  a  good  Christian  man,  but  hiz  kreed  iz  loo  often  az 
mutch  bother  to  him,  az  a  yoke  iz  to  a  goose.  He  iz  az 
full  ov  bizzness,  and  proviso's  az  a  wimmins  rites  con- 
venshen.  He  often  haz  more  pitty  than  branes,  and 
generally,  more  fuss,  than  either.  A  good  deakon,  in 
a  naborhood,iz  a  siibstanshaH  blessing,  and  bad  deakons, 
thank  Heaven,  hav  allwuss  been  ska,rse. 

SOLLUM  THINGS. 

The  world  iz  bankrupt  in  morals,  and  if  kind  heaven 
wont  settle  with  us,  for  10  cents  on  the  dollar,  the  devil 
will  git  the  whole  thing  bi  foreclosure. 


Yu  may  make  a  servant  ov  a  friend,  but  yu  kant  make 
a  friend  ov  a  servant,  it  aint  natral. 


30  Days.                SEPTEMBER.                        1878. 

The  street  boys  git  at  him, 
And  ride  him  around, 
tTill  he  staggers,  and  stumbles, 
And  Jails  to  the  ground. 

9 

© 

Brevitys. 

ECHOS. 

rr 

Q  Breezy  §  'list 

2 

M 

fgt   to  O   the  fJh 

Whenever  yu  cum    akrost   a 

3 

T 

is,  mocking  bird  ts\ 

man,  who  praizes  yu  immoder 

4 

W 

tCW"  a  fine  day,^J) 

ately,  and  kusses  every  boddy 

5 
6 

1 

T 

F 

S 

g     now  chew    & 
tSfri  1|  cherrys  |  tXi 
O  cool  §  Dave  /T* 

else  in  proportion,  yu  kan  make 
up  yure  mind,  that  yure  turn  for 

8 

G 

T  Markham  died  § 

kussing  will  cum  soon. 

9 

M 

|  1790    I  milder  § 

—  003  

10 

ii 

T 
W 

A  Dave   died     A 
O    ov  skarsity     O 

Experiense  haz  no  effect  on 

12 

T 

G  O  ov  breth  Q  A 

sum  people,  they  are  like  an  old 

13 

f 

f5  9    more     |  i^t 

frog  in  a  mud  puddle,  yu  kan 

X4 

S 

OmildnessO 

ketch  him  without  even  enny  bait 

'b 
16 

i? 

rQ 

M 
T 
W 

J  huckleberrys  are  § 
£?    here    IS    cool 
t  Vi    s  i  g  h  n  s  tV  i 

on  yure  hook,  and  thro  him  bak 
agin,  az  often  az  yu  hav  a  mind  to. 

T 

O   Dan  Tucker  O 

—  —  000— 

J9 

34    bprn  1832     a 

S 

g  expekt  coolness  § 

An  idler  iz  twice  a  thief,  he  not 

22 

G 

If  Dan  Tucker    sy 

only  steals  hiz  own  time,  but  he 

23 

24 

25 

M 
T 
W 

tH£i  waz    dark  fMi 

fkonplekted| 
rain  [  now  A  twitch 

hangs  around,    tricing    to  steal 
yures  too. 

26 

T 

flax  [  hot  day  $  in 

27 

F 

a  time  ov  peace  a 

We    all    ov   us    hav    certian 

28 
29 

3° 

S 
G 
M 

look  out  |  |  for  war 
wind  easty  f  bi  nor 
east  IS^**  g°  slow  t 

sorrows  that  are  too  intrinksik  to 
be  divided  with  enny  boddy. 

THE  GRASSHOPPER  IZ  A  BURDEN 

The  grasshopp  iz  a  flippant  bug.  He  iz  likewise  a 
kuss.  He  iz  green  for  color,  and  haz  several  leggs,  or 
more,  i  disremember  whitch.  They  kan  fli,  hop,  walk, 
sit  still,  or  run,  and  are  born  ov  eggs,  a  dozen  from  each 
egg,  proberbly.  They  are  an  inch  and  a  quarter  in  length, 
and  are  sumtimes  a  frackshun  over.  They  are  laid, 
hatchid  out,  git  their  manhood,  and  die  off  in  75  days, 
this  iz  aktual  bizzness,  and  shows  enterprize,  in  a  lofty 
degree.  What  they  are  good  for,  haz  been  concealed 
from  us,  for  wize  reazons,  but  the  evil  they  kan  commit, 
iz  sumtimes  equal  to  a  famine.  I  hav  seen  every  green 
thing,  on  the  flatt  ov  the  earth,  for  50  miles  in  diameter, 
et  up  bi  them,  and  inillyuns  ov  them  besides  starving  to 
deth.  I  have  seen  the  air  filled  with  them  like  a  shower 
ov  sand,  and  nothing  but  stone  fences,  and  McAdam 
roads,  proof  aginst  their  appetights.  To  be  et  up  bi 
grasshopps,  to  be  consumed  bi  muskeeters,  or  mangled 
bi  a  mule,  hav  allways  been  the  three  deaths  that  i  hav 
voted  aginst.  But  az  mutch  az  i  fear  the  dedly  hopper, 
i  had  rather  face  a  mile  square  ov  them,  all  alone,  in  the 
month  ov  August,  or  i  had  rather  cross  the  Newark 
marshes,  bi  moonlite,  in  Juli,  when  muskeeters  are  in 
their  consumate  glory,  or  even  fondle  the  sportive  mule, 
than  to  hav  a  nusepaper  kritick,  who  writes  for  8  dollars 
a  week,  git  after  me. 


CAMBRIK  NEEDLES. 
Tlje  slowest  time  on  reckord, — is  skool  time. 


The  man  who  forgivst  and  dontforgit,  compounds  for 
50  cents  on  the  dollar. 


AX?.- 

^r- 


31  Days.                   OCTOBER.                           1878. 

<^3[ 

Thare  he  struggles,  and  groans, 
'  Till  he  iz  knockt  on  the  hed, 
And  the  once  rapid  trotter, 

Lies  pulseless  and  ded. 

O 

a 

Brevity*. 

ZM  X  BRKAKS. 

i 

T 

G  Frosty  TH.  now 

2 

W 

3  gobble   cider  /a 

Politeness   never  makes  enny 

3 

T 

t^-expekt  kold^ 

blunders,  it   often  gits  snubbed, 

4 

F 

f?\  Nick  Hudibras  | 

but   never  gits   beat. 

5 

\  fled     O   1851  y 

6 

c; 

'JkJ  t  colder  £  |¥, 

7 

M 

Til     Nick   fled      a 

005  

8 

T 

~     to    Texas     Q 

9 

W 

Jsnow  J:  threatens  \ 

When  you  cum  akrost  a  man 

10 
1  1 

p 

x   now  unearth   •,' 

that  neither  flattery,  nor  abuse, 

12 

s 

\  p-o-t-a-t-o-e-s  \ 

wont  stimulate,  let  him  alone,  he 

13 

14 

G 

M 

O   cool    nights    O 
liberty  J  and  {  union 

haz  gone   to  seed. 

IS 

r 

?Jh  still  \  cooler  O 

=09  

16 

W 

o\  one  ^  and  <T\ 

T  *y 

•r 

J^"  fine  day  «^3 

1  / 

18 

A 

F 

inseparable  IT   now 

Thare  iz  nothing  more  bekum- 

'9 

S 

£S    the     duck     + 

mg   than  humality,  and   nothing 

20 

G 

q-u-a-c-k-e-t-h  % 

that   most   ov   people  are  more 

21 

M 

£7    more  frost     C' 

ashamed  ov. 

22 

T 

O  Sally  Foster  O 

23 

W 

*[[    marrid    1826  ^ 

24 

T 

A   cool  and  wet  A 

25 
26 
27 
28 

F 
S 
G 

M 

Sally   marrid  $  for 
love  J  cooler  ?    and 
45  hundred    dollars 
a  year  11  wind  flau 

It  iz  a  grate  art  to  kno  how  to 
giv  gracephully,  I  hav  seen  good 
light  bread  change  into  a  stone, 

29 

T 

4T  sum  rth  now  Q) 

in    passing   from    one   hand    to 

3° 

\V 
T 

highst  rib  turnips  $ 

another. 

THE    APPLE. 

The  apple  iz  the  oldest  fruit  on  reckord,  and  one  ov 
the  best.  The  fust  ackount  we  hav  ov  it,  was  in  the 
gardin  ov  Eden.  Eve  iz  sed  to  hav  et  the  fust  one,  and 
pronounced  it  good,  and  made  Adam  take  a  bight.  The 
eating  ov  this  apple  never  has  been  konsidered  mutch 
ov  a  hit  for  the  rest  ov  us.  The  apple  will  keep  longer 
than  enny  other  fruit,  if  it  aint  eaten,  and  kan  be  workt 
up  into  apple  sass,  and  dumplings,  with  grate  suckcess. 

I  kan  tell  a  mans  tru  karakter,  bi  what  he  eats,  or 
drinks,  clusser  than  i  kan  to  hear  him  deliver  a  temp- 
ranse  lektur.  Talk  of  all  kinds  iz  artyfishall,  but  vittles, 
and  drinks,  iz  natur.  Whenever  yu  see  a  man  cussing, 
and  swareing  at  apple  sass,  and  good  light  dumplings, 
yu  can  bet  10  dollars,  on  mi  ackount,  that  he  aint  a  good 
fireside  man.  Apples  also,  when  they  are  well  squeezed, 
produce  cider,  which  iz  next  to  milk,  az  a  fertilizer. 
Egnpgg  owes  most  ov  its  glory  unto  cider.  Champane 
wine  would  be  dredphull  skarse  in  market  if  it  want  for 
cider,  and  good  sharp  vinegar  would  be  az  unkommon 
az  piety,  or  tru  affeckshun,  if  it  wazrt't  for  cider.  Jersey 
lightning  also  kums  from  cider,  this  iz  the  only  wicked 
thing  i  ever  knu  cider  to  do.  Jersey  lightning  haz 
scalded  more  people  than  hot  water  ever  haz,  and  killed 
more  than  Minnie  rifles. 


FOAM. 

Thare  iz  nothing  which  a  chaste,  and  refined  woman 
detekts  so  quick  as  the  atmosphere  ov  an  impure  man. 


Contentment  hae  been  praized  more,  and  prakticed 
less,  than  enny  other  condishun  ov  life. 


30  Days.                 NOVEMBER.                        1878. 

Now  they  kart  him  away  — 

Forgot,  and  forsaken, 

To  far-famed  "  BARREN  ISLAND," 

Tlu  Trotter  iz  taken. 

3 

•H- 

Brevity*. 

SNOW  FLAKES. 

F 

Q    Cold    O    the 

2 

S 

cricket   £?  chirps  J 

I   like  philosophy  on  general 

3 

G 

<2\  faintly  <a   more 

principles,  but  the  man  who  in 

4 

M 

c  o  1  d  y  ^  now  £f 

vented   the    frickshun   match,   a 

5 

T 

trap  O  for  minks  5 

cent   a  box,  haz  dun  the  "world 

6 

7 
8 

W 
T 
F 

iVi    it  snows     rt, 
J.  Ruben  Hatfieid  $ 
obsquatulated  1811 

more  good,  than  than  the  author 
ov  the  stoick  philosophy. 

9 

S 

§2^™  chilly  ^®) 

10 

G 

1TJ2  Reuben  J  was  y 

COS 

ii 

12 

M 
T 

a  toll/gate  ||  keeper 

Thare  iz  a  grate  menny  fresh 

13 

W 

tW  w/o/o/d  t^i 

water   martyrs  on  the   footstool, 

14 

T 

O  colder  mutch  O 

folks  whozegratest  pride  iz  to  tell 

IS 

F 

Tf  thou  T  shall  Tf 

us  what  a  miserable  time  they  hav 

S 

not  O  s-n-o-r-e  O 

allways  had   ont 

,c 

in  $Jb  thy  m  sleep 

T 

~  very  Q)  cool   a 

ton 

2O 

W 

|  meazles  |  found  | 
O  1492  TTJl  Bob  O 

Advice    and    phisick    are    so 

T 

Barnes  O  died  1603 

plenty,  that  the  man  who  makes 

21 

s 

raw  };  but  cold  §  Bob 

enny  blunders,  or  gits  sick,  must 

24 

G 

Barnes  X  was  3  a 

be  a  phool. 

*5 

M 

vegitinarian  ||?  more 

26 

T 

snow  Q  Bob  Barnes 

27 

W 

waz  a  kold  jj  potato 

A  vain  man  lets  us  see  all  hiz 

28 
29 

T 
F 

G  cham  pi  on  an 
^^~  Farewell  jgl 

weak  points,  and  hides  hiz  strong 

30 

S 

±  my  boys  !  !  1   X 

ones. 

THE  A  VERA  GE  BOA  RDING  HO  USE  „ 

I  hav  lived  in  boarding  houses  long  enuff  to  decide, 
that  most  ov  them  are  the  most  cheerless,  and  unfriendly 
places  on  earth.  The  alms  house,  or  the  hospital,  iz  a 
more  luvly  spot  to  liv  in,  than  the  average  boarding 
house.  They  are  kept  bi  females,  gennerally  about  45, 
or  46,  years  old,  and  never  gits  enny  older,  who  wears  a 
blak  allpacka  dress,  az  slippery,  and  shiny,  as  a  piece  ov 
patient  leather,  and  who  kan  bio  a  butcher  klean  out  ov 
hiz  stall,  or  lift  the  false  hair  oph  from  the  heds,  ov  one 
ov  her  Bndgets,  when  she  gets  to  argtieing  the  case  hot. 

Her  house  iz  furnished  from  top  to  bottom  with  faded 
furniture,  the  spoils  ov  a  thousand  aukshun  sales,  which 
iz  the  only  place  she  visits,  except  the  meat,  and  vege 
table  markets  Everything  on  the  table,  and  about  the 
house,  inkluding  attendance,  iz  meazzured  out  at  the 
rate  ov  about  nine  ounces  to  the  pound,  and  the  whole 
thing  runs  dry,  and  squeaking  like  the  axles  ov  a  waggon, 
in  want  ov  grease.  Thare  iz  not  one  solitary,  genuine 
cumfort,  in  theze  concerns,  and  men,  and  winmiin,  liv, 
year  after  year,  in  theze  hash  asylums,  cursing  them 
every  day,  and  without  the  moral  force  to  desert  them. 

I  was  once  told  ov  one  landlady  who  kept  a  party 
ov  four  young  fellows  in  her  house,  two  months  longer 
than  they  wanted  to  stay,  bi  putting  a  ten  cent  stamp 
into  the  hash  every  morning.  The  landlady  dealt  out 
the  hash,  and  managed  to  get  the  stamp  every  time. 

DUST, 

The  way  of  the  transgressor  iz  hard, — and  there  ain't 
no  transgressor  kan  dodge  it  neither. 


Experience  iz  about  all  that  old  age  can  boast  ov,  and 
how  often  iz  even  this  ov  the  bitterest  kind. 


31  Days.                  DECEMBER.                        1878. 

^g.-^^^.* 

And  two  dollars  brings, 

And  his  bones  are  workl  tip, 

Into  buttons  and  things. 

•»  | 

\\ 

Brevity!. 

SKIMMINGS. 

I 

G 

Orphull  §  kolds; 

2 

M 

now  /^   hunt  §  for 

I  have  a  grate  kuriosity  now  to 

3 

T 

t*i  ice  SS  it  .JFJ 

kno  when   the   next  flood  is  a 

4 
5 
6 

W 
T 
F 

O  waxes  kolder   ± 
O  Zeke  •  Davis  @ 
born  1850  *±  big  23 

going  to  take  place,  and  whether 
thare  kan  be  found  on  the  face  ov 

7 

S 

~  s-n-o  t»  storm  ^ 

the  earth  a  crew  fit  to  man  the 

8 

G 

(3  Ze  k  e   wazg) 

next   ark  with. 

9 

10 

M 
T 

/a  -H-  henpecked  1£ 
man  O  it  is  winter 

1  hav  heard  wize  men  phrovesy, 

II 

W 

now  \  the  t%i  cow 

and  fools  guess,  all  mi  life,  but  i 

12 

T 

s-h-i-v-e-r-e-t-hA 

never  hav  kept  enny  count  which 

13 
'4 
15 

S 
G 

(£more  &  bitter  £i 
Q)  Adam  /  was  O 

ov   them    haz  got   it   right    the 
oftenest. 

16 

M 
T 

(3  more  J#  snow  Q) 
1  now  maim  wood  f 

When  i  waz  a  boy  i  allwuss 

18 
19 

W 
T 

dredphull  ^  cold  lg 
-*-»-•"*    m  n  ii  is  —  fc1—". 

wanted   tommorow   to   cum,    in 
middle  life  i  wanted  a  day  to  last 

20 

F 

/a~f-a-i-l-tw-e  1 

allways,  now  that  i  hav  got  olden 

21 
22 
23 

24 

S 
G 
M 
T 

/5\  wind  northy  £P 
bi  €!  north   &  now 
pay   *a  your  honest 
dels  |  it  grows  cold 

i  look  at  yesterday,  and  to  day, 
and    compare    them    with    tom 
morow,  and  wonder  what  all  this 

25 

U 

now!  comfort  |  your 

fuss  iz  about. 

26 

T 

wife  (!)  more  snow 

C05  

27 

F 

Buy  Josh   Billings' 

Thare  iz  lots  ov  people  in  this 

28 
29 

3° 

S 
G 

M 

A-1-l-m-i-n-a-x  § 
sighns  ov  a  thaw  (?) 
Let  3  us  O  meet 

world,  who  spend  so  mutch  time 
watching  their  healths,  that  they 

T 

Cohere  again^ 

haint  got  no  time  to  enjoy  it. 

A    LONG    PARAGRAFF. 

Guessing  iz  a  dredphull  poor  trade,  i  had  just  about 
az  soon  hav  a  man  tell  me  a  lie  az  to  guess  at  a  thing,  in 
case  ov  doubt  ask  yure  wife,  when  the  sun  shines  wimmin 
are  butterflys,  and  luv  to  bask  in  its  rays,  but  when  the 
dark  hours  cum,  and  even  hope  begins  to  look  over  its 
shoulder,  ask  yure  wife  about  it,  and  she  will  either  puntch 
a  hole  thni  the  klowd,  or  lift  up  one  corner  ov  it,  and 
sho  yu  a  star,  I  luv  babys,  i  luv  them  bekauze  they  are 
aktually  necessary,  I  luv  them  bekauze  they  wont  lie,  I 
luv  them  bekauze  they  may  be  the  next  president  sum 
time,  i  luv  them  bekauze  i  waz  a  baby  once  miself,  and 
perhaps  sumboddy  loved  me,  i  hav  sumtimes  thought 
gamblers  were  az  honest  az  they  kan  afford  to  be,  they 
allwuss  giv  notiss  before  hand  that  they  will  cheat  you 
if  they  kan,  I  beleave  in  one  wife,  one  dog,  and  one 
friend,  with  a  few  cheerfull  acquaintances  thrown  in 
to  make  up  the  assortment,  doenutts  and  cheeze  are 
lawful  tenders  in  Nu  England,  nine  doenutts,  a  quarter 
ov  a  pound  ov  old  cheeze,  and  a  pint  ov  sharp  sider, 
iz  a  luncheon  fit  for  a  nuly  elekted  Justiss  ov  the 
Peace,  or  a  trakt  pedlar,  dandys  are  things  ov  the  past, 
I  havn't  seen  a  regular  full  blossomed,  old  fashioned 
dandy,  going  on  now  seven  years,  I  ****** 


SEDIMENT. 

When  a  coquet  falls  in  luv,  she  falls  in  all  over,  prudes 
make  a  mental  reservashun. 


I  would  rather  number  amung  mi  intimates,  an  ideot, 
or  even  a  pikpocket,  than  infidel. 


31  Days.                  JANUARY.                         1879. 

AQUARIUS,       >i|fe^2§l  THE  WATER  BEARER. 

*Now  is  the  winter  ov  our  diskontent? 

O 

s 

The  Slate. 

A-^Krr^z^. 

i 

w 

(£  Keep  *  cool  * 

2 

T 

>  horn  \  itarch  < 

Yung  man,  set  down,  and  keep 

3 

F 

*JH    it    tnowt   »Vi 

still,  yu  will  hav  plenty  ov  chan 

4 

S 

•  invented^ 

ces  yet  to  make  a  phool  ov  yure- 

5 
6 

M 

0    now  §  1835    £ 

,sr  /  iz  o  the  /  £? 

self  before  yu  die. 

7 

T 

O  winter  O  SamQ 

8 

W 

ov     our     Peterkin 

,  a-;-, 

9 

T 

,  •  diskontent  *  , 

10 

ii 

12 

F 
S 
G 

O  Awn  f  holder  x> 
§  1  202  $  more  § 
kolder  Q  Jj  O  .Saw 

It  iz  a  wize  man  who  proffits 
bi  hiz  own  experience  —  but  it  iz  a 

X3 

M 

—  now  —  wa*  — 

good  deal  wizer  one,  who  lets  the 

*4 

T 
W 

f)  rake  *  a  3 

rattlesnaik  bite  the  other  phellow. 

16 

T 

r*  i  +g*  A  »l*  '*<>*"*' 

17 

F 

>  O  in  x>  ice  O  < 

18 

S 

man  \  jjfc  u  sigkns 

19 

G 

j}x  f  ]  Ak  ^.  OK  ^  ¥ 

20 

M 
T 

/"»"  "^  Q  t  n  010 
O  /"•f  Q  kolder  O 

Take  all   the  phools   out  ov 

2  I 
22 

W 

g  U?  tf  »'//<?  nowTI|_3 

this  world,  and  thare  wouldn't  be 

23 

T 

/«i?a»  jj  c.  jj  jam 

enny  phun,  nor  proffit  living  in  it. 

24 

F 

Qz  |/<frf  |  fires  Q 

25 

S 

</«/  1  —  f  Mozes 

26 

G 

<M>  a  thaw  '1><I> 

27 

M 

B»u»%b»a,n,k.s- 

28 

T 

tSinow  %  deceasedoi 

Allmost  enny  phool  kan  prove 

29 

W 

C—  I  8  I  8  —  3 

that  the  bible  aint  true,  it  takes 

3° 

V 

T 
F 

$  s-w-a-1-l-o-w  <t 
•  kolder  '9  cider  • 

a  wize  man  to  beleave  it. 

THE    BOOK    CANVASSER. 

The  book  canvasser  iz  a  red  hot  being,  az  untiring  az 
a  fox  hound,  and  az  free  from  diffidence  az  a  fish  pedlar. 
He  works  hiz  way  into  every  spot  in  kreashun,  and  will 
often  sell  a  book  to  a  man,  for  hiz  own  price,  who  swore 
at  first  that  he  wouldn't  take  it  az  a  gift.  He  will  travel 
more  miles  in  a  day,  on  less  hash,  than  a  stage  horse, 
and  kan  stand  more  abuse  than  a  chinaman.  The  book 
canvasser  haz  bekum  the  terror  of  the  land,  and  mankind 
hide  from  him  az  they  would  from  the  taxgatherer,  or  a 
case  ov  the  small  pox.  I  rather  like  the  book  canvasser, 
when  a  roan  pitches  into  me,  and  offers  to  sell  me  650 
pages  ov  "Doktor  John  Hirsute"  s  modified  diagnosis  ov 
the  cappilliary  attrakshun"  and  stiks  to  it  untill  he  gits 
the  book  onto  me,  i  am  delighted  with  the  man,  and 
proud  ov  miself.  It  takes  genius  to  do  theze  things,  and 
i  luv  genius  in  all  shapes,  whether  it  appears  az  the 
author  ov  a  dikshionary,  or  the  pattentee  of  bar  soap, 
warrented  to  take  the  letterings  off  from  a  mile  stone  in 
three  washings.  The  book  canvasser  haz  mi  hottest 
prayers  for  hiz  sukcess,  and  tho  i  never  ov  late  subskribe 
for  enny  thing,  not  even  to  buy  the  new  klergyman  an 
independant  seckond  hand  trotting  kronometor,  still  i 
am  allwus  reddy  to  reckomend  him  to  mi  nabors. 


SLUNG    SHOT. 

"  Throw fisick  to  the  dogs"  is  a  very  old  proverb,  but 
whare  will  yu  find  the  dog  that  will  tutch  it  ? 


Experience  teaches  us  mutch,  but  learns  us  little. 


28  Days.                 FEBRUARY.                        1879. 

PICES,              >S5V         THE  FISHES' 

Two  Perch—  possibly  one  Smelt: 

(!) 

zz 

The  Slate. 

CENTER  SHOTS. 

I 

2 

S 
G 

B3f"AVi/T  now 
,  waxes  a*  make  „ 

I  would  az  soon  think  ov  pull 

3 

M 

«SSJ  snow  ax  IE3F" 

ing  the  feathers  out  ov  a  peakoks 

4 

T 

falls  -{  j-  handles 

tale,  az  to  interfere  with  inosent 

5 
6 

W 
T 

<  Kate  |  aufull  > 
Sherman  a  |  a  koldy 

vanity  ov  a  man. 

7 

F 

TIB  1  j  fell  more  \\  TTJt 

8 

S 

Kate    *     *     *     * 

—  —  ao»—  — 

9 

G 

O  O  boldness  O  O 

10 

M 

*      *      *     •     fell 

When  a  wize  man  undertakes 

ii 

T 

to  do  a  kunning  thing  he  allmost 

12 

w 

T 

+  1  Bumblebee^* 

allways  makes  a  mizerable  failure 

J3 

Y 

cellar  B^"«^gJ  lies 

ov  it. 

*4 

£  HOW  dreaming  S 

IS 
16 

S 
G 

i^yirak   *  kotderQ 

ax  

buttnutts  s^s*  =;^=  *V 

17 
18 

M 
T 
W 

i  Adam  5  snows  S 
fj  Brown  c  —  D  «'/  Q 

Marrid  life  iz  a  little  game,  in 
which  the  woman,  if  she  iz  called, 

20 

T 

kreated  Q  X  Maw* 

iz  allmost  sure  to  hav  a  strate 

21 

F 

•B1   1400  Adam  "v? 

flush. 

22 

S 

TOOT^  Y  snow  Y  war 

^ 

23 

G 

Know  a  J  natral  1} 

24 

M 

&T  pay  kuss_|gj 

The  man  who  knows  a  thing, 

25 

26 

T 
W 

</<•//          |          Ben 

•  stiller.  Franklin  • 

and  can  tell  it  in  the  fewest  words, 

27 

T 

holder  ^  a   ^  waz 

iz  the  hardest  kind  of  a  man  to 

28 

F 

Tf  MawyTf  aT  kard^ 

beat  in  a  kross  examinashun. 

THE    CHIPMUNK. 

The  chipmunk  iz  the  smallest  of  the  squirrell  tribe. 
They  are  striped  goods,  having  three  blak  lines  wove 
into  them,  running  the  same  way  the  squirrell  duz.  Az 
a  spekulator  in  corn  the  chipmunk  stands  at  the  hed  ov 
all  the  small  operators,  beating  the  blujay,  in  hiz  yearly 
operashuns  about  a  quart  The  chipmunk  carrys  hiz 
corn  in  hiz  mouth,  and  when  he  cums  out  ov  a  cornfield 
loaded  with  the  cereal,  his  cheeks  stik  out  like  a  duch 
baby's.  Sumtimes  the  chipmunk  iz  kaught  and  kept  in 
a  cage,  and  iz  made  to  turn  a  wheel  for  a  living,  this  iz 
the  only  usefull  work  they  hav  ever  been  known  to  do. 
I  hav  often  lookt  at  them  at  work  in  their  wheels,  and 
dont  kno  which  i  pitty  the  most,  the  chipmunk,  or  the 
party  who  has  to  tend  them,  both  of  them  mite  be  in 
better  bizzness.  They  are  the  only  insekt  who  dig  their 
holes  and  sho  no  pile  ov  dirt  at  the  entrance.  I  hav 
asked  sevral  smart  men  what  bekums  ov  the  dirt^  but 
they  all  shook  their  heds  and  lookt  awfull  wize.  When 
iwaz  a  boy  i  used  to  ketch  chipmunks  bi  running  away 
from  skool,  and  the  day  that  I  brought  in  two  ov  them 
waz  a  big  day  for  me. 


CRUMBS. 

The  devil  iz  a  very  cunning  phellow,  but  the  blunders 
he  makes  allwuss  eats  up  the  promtts  in  hiz  bizzness. 


A  dandy  iz  an  individul  whoze  usephullness  in  this 
world  depends  entirely  upon  the  fit  ov  hiz  clothes. 


31  Days.                     MARCH.                            1879. 

ARIES,             jpSO&b        THE  RAM. 

On  the  War  Path.  —  The  hit  ov  the  seazon. 

i 

« 

The  Slate. 

£>£/  DROPS. 

S 

Winds-  >  O 

2 

G 

£^"*  —  *  —  *  —  now 

The  things  that  i  kant  prove  i 

3 

M 

l^Aow/t  Ok  tan»y, 

beleave  the  most,  i  beleave  that 

4 

T 

more  Q)  woodchuk 

one  apple  iz  sour,   and  another 

5 
6 

7 
8 

T 
F 

S 

>  »/«</  a  skins  < 
Pete  —  wind 
O-O  Perkins  O-O 
r-i-x-e-t  rt,  b-o.r-n 

one  sweet,  but  i  will  giv  enny 
highly  eddikated  man,  a  span  ov 
matched  mules,  who  will  tell  me 

9 

<t[mare  <I>  3  1  840^0- 

what  makes  them  so. 

]O 

1  1 

T 

wind/lilt  

12 

w 

Pete  V" 

13 

T 

©  raint  fjf«  waz  / 

«j£J  -  coloured  -£3^"" 

I  hav  lived  just  long  enuff  to 

*4 

F 

sighns  @  j)£,  £  he 

find  out  how  little  i  kno,  and  no 

16 

G 

•  waz  *  *>»  i  f  -H 

man  who  throws  away  hiz  faith, 

*7 

M 

/«<nf  -g  a  >  «v  < 

iz  ever  going  to  be  very  wize. 

18 

T 

c  -o  -1  -o  -u  -r  -e  -d 

?9 

\V 

—  now  —  barber  — 

coo— 

20 
2  1 

T 
F 

-i  \  d  \r\a\w  t- 
the  QjjnjjfijjJi  off 

The  smartest  thing  about  enny 

22 

S 

©~u  violet  u~© 

man  iz  hiz  conshicnce,  he   may 

G 

accounts 

outargy  hiz  reazon,  or  stutify  hiz 

24 

M 

0  -*<»  Z  »i<w«  a 

faith,  but  he  kant  beat  hiz  con- 

25 

T 

(ton     ffli     windjull 

shience. 

26 

\V 

\  S  ^  now  /'/  §  —  § 

gjjj 

27 

T 

blows  ^  T[  ^  drink 

28 

F 

•-•-Noah-«-« 

The  best  thing  i  kno  ov  iz  a 

29 

S 

....  Egg  had  .... 

fust  rate  wife,  and  the  next  best 

3° 
Jl 

M 

—  n  OBE  O  3  — 

thing,  is  a  sekond  rate  one. 

REMARKS. 

Three  kard  monte  iz  a  game  ov  chance,  the  chance  iz, 
that  yu  will  git  badly  beat,  unless  yu  play  it  alone. 
When  thare  iz  2  plays  the  game,  sumbody  iz  bound  to 
git  hurt.  Girls  are  a  more  risky  crop  to  raize  than 
boys,  if  a  boy  makes  a  bad  blunder,  he  kan  wipe  out 
the  slate  once,  or  even  twice,  and  begin  again,  but  a  girl 
kant.  I  kant  tell  who  old  Probabilitiz  iz,  but  he  iz  a 
smart  kuss,  aint  he  ?  Whiskee  iz  one  ov  the  tonicks, 
i  think,  but  i  aint  sure,  5  kno  it  iz  one  ov  the  tanglelegs, 
for  I  hav  seen  it  tried  often.  Yu  kan  sell  a  fast  horse 
in  Nu  York  at  yure  own  price,  provided  he  iz  fast 
enuff.  But  dont  bring  enny  3  minnitt  kattle  to  Nu 
York,  the  ice  kream,  and  the  milk  men,  drive  faster 
than  that.  Our  old  fellows,  in  Nu  York,  menny  ov 
them  who  hav  seen  70  years,  when  they  go  out  onto  the 
hard  roads,  dont  take  enny  but  2.25  dust  Speaking 
ov  kats  mi  opinyun  remains  unchanged,  they  are  az  full 
ov  flaws,  az  a  March  wind  iz.  Yu  kan  make  a  lawyer, 
or  a  minister  ov  your  son,  either  ov  them  are  decent 
callings  enuff,  but  neither  ov  them  will  make  him 
respektabel,  unless  they  are  well  filled  Nuzepaper 
hacks  are  harder  workt,  and  poorer  fed,  than  livery 
stable  horses.  Authors,  and  skribblers,  az  a  klass,  are 
a  self  konsai ted,  and  seedy  set,  and  I  believe  a  literary 
man,  when  he  gits  poor,  and  shiny,  iz  the  poorest 
looking  kritter  on  the  footstool 

LINT. 

No  atheist,  with  all  hiz  boasted  bravery,  haz  ever 
dared  to  advertize  his  beleaf,  on  hiz  tomb  sfun 


A  baby  iz  a  necessity,  but  twins  allwuss  did  seem  to 
me,  to  be  ov  a  spekulative  natur. 


30  Days.                     APRIL.                              1879. 

TAURUS,         TOWlSA      THE  BULL. 

Bound  for  Wall  Street.—  Bring  on  yure  Bear. 

IJ_ 
i 

2 

cfe 

The  Slate. 

Z)00i?  KNOBS. 

T 
W 

£3?"  April    now 

D     fool    D    fluk    D 

Caushun  iz  a  good  thing  for  a 

3 

T 

\-r—  a—  i—n—  y~\ 

man  to  hav,  but  when  he  haz  got 

4 

F 

<a  H  dandy  lionsHtsi 

so  mutch  ov  it,  that  he  iz  afrade 

e 

s 

,      ,        .        ..       -     , 

6 

7 

G 

M 

4  ».*./•/,«././> 

it  will  bite,  ignoranse  iz  what's 

8 

T 

aw/»~fl§~died 

the  matter  ov  him. 

9 

W 

O    w^  25  rain   Q 

10 

T 

1874  $  ~-  *—  •  $  Julia 

eer> 

ii 

12 

E 

S 

(QQmueA  I  was&3 

In  courtship  i  hav  allwus  ad 

13 

IS 

G 

M 
T 

c  §prude  |  «<ra>§  n 
tu  e  1  1  y    ig>     t  ft  e 
•  David  §  goose  ® 

vised  the  oblique  rather  than  the 
vertikal  process,  if  yure  mistress 
diskovers  too  mutch  anxiety  in 

16 

W 

slu  tgg~_^J   v^//J 

yu,  she  iz  sure  to  diskover  less 

•  8 

1 

$.  ...-Golier...  .$ 

in  herself. 

Expekt  *»*  a//»^ 

qjj  

19 
20 

G 

GI,  frogs  est  mow  01 
m-o-r-e  s-o-w 

Thare  aint  nothing  that  a  man 

T 

will  thrive  so  well  on  az  abuse 

23 

W 

'—gardin  -H-  5  -*-  * 

that  aint  merited. 

Z4 

T 

.  .  James  .  .  toss  .  . 

ocn__ 

F 

O  O  O  much  O  O  O 

26 

S 

^  Buk  a  n  n  an  s 

Whenever  yu   cum   akrost    a 

27 
28 

G 

M 

...  .^cooler  iz*.  ... 
ded  f  T  T  T  «tch 

man  who   distrusts  everyboddy, 
yu  hav  found  one  whom  it  is  safe 

29 
30 

W 

•  O  ra/w   life  Q  • 

for  everyboddy  to  distrust 

THE    MUSKEETER. 

Muskeeters  are  a  game  bug,  but  they  wont  bite  at  a 
hook.  Thare  iz  millyuns  ov  them  kaught  every  year, 
but  not  with  a  hook,  this  makes  the  market  for  them 
unstiddy,  the  supply  allways  exceeding  the  demand. 
The  muskeeto  iz  born  on  the  sly,  and  cums  to  maturity 
quicker  than  enny  other  ov  the  domestik  animiles.  A 
muskeeter  at  3  hours  old  iz  just  az  reddy,  and  anxious* 
to  go  into  bizzness  for  himself,  az  ever  he  iz,  and  bites  the 
fust  time  az  sharp,  and  natral,  az  red  pepper  duz.  The 
muskeeter  haz  a  good  ear  for  musik,  and  sings  without 
notes.  The  song  ov  the  musketo  iz  monotonous  to  sum 
folks,  but  in  me  it  stirs  up  the  memorys  ov  other  days. 
I  hav  lade  awake,  all  nite  long,  menny  a  time  and 
listened  to  the  sweet  anthems  ov  the  muskeeter.  I  am 
satisfied  that  thare  want  nothing  made  in  vain,  but  i  kant 
help  thinking  how  mighty  kluss  the  musketoze  kum  to 
it  The  muskeeter  haz  inhabited  this  world  since  its 
kreashun,  and  will  probably  hang  around  here  until 
bizzress  doses.  Whare  the  muskeeter  goes  to  in  the 
winter  iz  a  standing  konumdrum,  which  all  the  natura. 
lists  hav  giv  up,  but  we  kno  he  dont  go  far,  for  he  iz  on 
hand  early  each  year  with  hiz  probe  fresh  ground,  and 
polished.  Muskeeters  must  be  one  ov  the  luxurys  ov  life, 
they  certainly  aint  one  ov  the  necessarys,  not  if  we 
kno  ourselfs. 


SNOW  BALLS. 

Thare  iz  a  time  for  all  things,  and  the  best  time  to 
hold  our  tungs,  iz  when  we  feel  az  tho  we  had  the  most 
to  say. 

o 

The  man  who  gambles,  or  drinks  whiskey,  kant 
chooze  hiz  assoshiates. 


31  Days.                        MAY.                               1879. 

«      ^    __ 

Dubldts  —  a  lucky  throw. 

G" 

CT 

The  Slate. 

BIRDS'  EGGS. 

I 

2 

f 

F 

A  Soft  If  now  Q) 

9  and   ©     stik  9 

It  iz  bad  enuff  to  be  a  fust  rate 

3 

b 

xa««y  §—  §—  §    in 

monkey,  but  to  be  a  third  rate 

4 

jy,   peas  x»/»  i& 

one  iz  more  disastrous  than  to  be 

b 
6 

M 
T 

—  O  badiah  — 

an  idiot 

7 
8 

W 
T 

r  |  a  \  i  \  H  \   \   | 
*-*-«-*tFarnharm 

9 

10 

ii 

F 
S 
G 

|3y   soft  a    |^" 
a  milleritea 

Thare  iz  no  sure  kure  for  lazy- 
ness,  but  i  hav  known  a  seckond 

12 

13 

M 
T 

di*now  <37  mild*  & 

wife  to  hurry  it  sum. 

14 

W 

.  ...1  snatch  |  ... 

C  00  I  •&  O-H-Q  -ff 

•MI 

*5 
16 

F 

*  8  •  ilrth  lettiss 

iS 

S 

fr 

^°—  !*•!  — 

It  iz  the  supnzes  ov  life  that 

19 

M 

ra»'»   ,—  ,2r  —  N    hit 

add  most  to  our  plezzures  ;  one 

20 

T 

>  wind  A  Able  < 

man  iz  suprized   with   a   legacy 

21 

W 

*  out  Ay  §  now 

from  a  ritch  unkle,  another,  that 

22 

T 

H    tutiful  sot    H 

the  old  spekled  hen  haz  just  cum 

23 
24 

8 

S 

;     '.  weather  \     \ 

off  the  nest,  with  27  chickens. 

25 

G 

"tore<£  A  CD  Gen. 

26 

M 

t  —  ^J  cooler  \  —  | 

«w  

27 

T 

^r~Grant  >-v~ 

28 

W 

w»«.n»rf  §^~ 

Gamblers,  nor  infidels,  havn't 

29 

T 

waz  ^  north  <p  a 

faith  enuff  in  their  profeshione.  to 

3" 
3i 

S 

a  O  «"'  O  tanner 

teach  it  to  their  children. 

THE    BEAN. 

Next  to  rhy  bread,  beans  hav  been  called  by  the 
poets,  and  philosphers  the  cumfort,  and  staff  ov  life. 
The  bean  iz  all  food,  thare  iz  no  more  waste  in  them, 
than  thare  iz  in  a  pint  ov  cold  water,  when  a  man  iz 
auphull  dry.  Beans  fcre  all  colors,  and  most  shapes, 
flat,  round,  oblong,  square,  and  3  cornered,  and  a  quart 
ov  them  put  into  a  pot,  and  biled  a  hours,  will  meazzure 
a  gallon,  and  a  haff,  when  they  cum  out  This  makes 
them  a  better  dividend  paying  seed  than  enny  thing  we 
kno  ov.  Beans  are  az  old  az  Esau,  he  sold  out  for  bean 
porridge.  Beans  gro  on  the  jump,  and  thare  aint  but 
phew  things  that  kan  beat  a  be.an  klimbing  a  pole.  I 
luv  beans,  but  dont  hanker  for  them.  But  beans,  and 
me  wont  quarrell.  Baked  beans  are  a  grate  necessity 
in  Nu  England,  and  not  to  hav  a  platter  ov  them  for 
Sunday  dinner,  iz  lookt  upon  thare  az  being  stuck-up  to 
the  neighbors.  One  ov  the  old  blue  laws  ov  Massa 
chusetts  waz,  "thou  shall  eat  baked  beans  on  Sunday." 
I  kan  remember  now  ov  eating  baked  beans,  and  rhy, 
and  injun  bread  every  Sunday,  when  i  waz  a  boy,  and 
luving  it,  bekauze  i  waz  obliged  to. 


EXAMINE. 

The  happyest  time  in  enny  ones  life,  iz  the  fust  26 
minnitts  after  they  hav  had  an  akeing  tooth  jerkt  out. 


Imaginashun  never  filled  a  man's  stummak  yet,  yu 
kant  git  pork,  and  beans,  by  dreaming  about  them. 


30  Days.                       JUNE.                              1879. 

CANCER,                                         THE  KRAB. 

A  Shell-Fish—  pretty  mutch  all  shell. 

• 

c- 

The  Slate. 

BLOSSOMS. 

i 

2 

G 

M 

+  Hottisk  \  now 

Yu  kan  possibly  argy  a  man 

3 

T 

S   to    A    />'<«    S 

out  ov  hiz  religion,  but  you  kant 

4 

W 

*  Young  *  

out  ov  the  color  ov  hiz  nektye, 

5 
6 

T 
F 

rainy   4>    departed 
£?  wind  6  1851  £T 

or  the  squeeze  ov  hiz  boots. 

7 

S 

ft  Easty  \  Abel  fi 

8 

G 

»          ..                      —  .               £±          JJ-J 

•CTb 

9 

M 

—it^-^-ains  — 

10 
ii 

T 
W 

young  -  £W/*<-  *  S 
O  fi  aged  $  warm 

Luv  between  wimmin  iz  impossi 

12 

T 

a*   16    y    now  *a 

ble,  even  friendship  iz  only  prak- 

13 

thunder  -D-    the 

tikabel. 

14 

If  lam  *  Sampson  *f 

15 

M 

~sporteth  \  waz~ 

IO 

(Q  f  liltning  T  Q) 

000—  — 

I? 

18 

W 

1  —  a   \   strengthy—  ' 

*9 

20 

21 

22 

T 
F 
S 
G 

more  >  <  ^?/ 
Oman  O  Judith  O 
wetty  §    Ferguson 
J  cooler  marrid  |^~ 

Thare  iz  nothing-  so  skarse  az 
originality,  even  an  original  phool 
would  be  a  grate  relief  just  now. 

23 

M 

P   ^f?  If   warmth 

24 

T 

SS  1846  fi  now  22 

^ 

25 

W 

w»W  •—  Q—  '  bild 

26 

T 

<j  j  Easty  bokays  |d 

27 

F 

fw/#r  ••   Columbus 

The  man  who  never  makes 

28 
29 

30 

S 
G 

M 

H-    iV  j£.  ra»«J   -H 
found  §  hotter    »Sfa 

0    a    Gi   Amerika 

enny  blunders  iz  a  very  nice  piece 
ov  masheenery,  —  that's  alL 

QUESTIONS    AND    REPLIZE. 

Q. — What  iz  the  best  religious  kreed  to  hav  ? 

A. — Charity.  If  a  man  will  swop  off  all  the  religious 
kreed  he  haz  got  on  hand,  and  invest  the  proceeds  in 
charity,  he  will  allwus  be  proud  ov  the  job. 


Q. — Will  yu  pleze  define  an  Enthuziast  ? 

A. — An  Enthuziast  iz  a  party  who  beleaves  about 
4  times  az  mutch  az  he  kan  prove,  and  who  kan  prove 
about  4  times  az  mutch  az  ennyboddy  else  belaaves. 


Q. — What  three  things  hav  dun  the  most  to  civilize 
the  world  ? 
A. — The  Bible,  the  looking-glass,  and  the  muskett. 


Q. — Whitch  iz  the  most  reddy  animile  ? 
A. — The  mule — they  alwuss  sleep   standing,  so  to 
be  on  hand  when  the  kiking  begins  to  flow. 


Q. — What  ir  the  quikest  food  on  reckord  ? 
A.— The  oyster  on   the  haff  shell — they  kan  be  et 
sitting,  standing,  or  on  the  run. 


31  Days.                      JULY.                                1879. 

LEO,              VjEffiP        THE  LION. 

Strayed  or  Stolen.  —  Return  to  P.  7.  Barnum. 

23 

& 

The  Slate. 

RAINBOWS. 

I 

T 

S  Crate  warmth 

2 

W 

the   ¥  tighnt    ~ 

I  never  tri  to  settle  other  peo 

3 

1 

-3  —  hog  ov  —  $ 

ples  quarrells,  i  hav  seen  men  tri 

4 
6 

1* 
S 
G 

%'*'*'«»*'»»*-?•* 
panteth    (C    S     3 
Q  +  &  now  J  hotter 

to  do  this,  and  git  badly  whipt  bi 
both  partys. 

1 

1U 

Atfw             r*  f¥> 

^ 

8 

T 

O  hotter  \£t  for  O 

y 

W 

*/    H    ft    X   ra/Vw 

Hunting  for  happiness  iz  like 

T 

H?  ice^JGjf"  Bill  $ 

hunting  for  hen's  eggs  away  under 

12 

s 

twm/  —  O  —  Purdy 

the   barn,   after    yu    hav  fonnd 

G 

*,•  wji/A  quit  *»• 

them,  haflf  the  time  yu  find  they 

14 

IS 

M 
T 

71).  t.h.u.n.d.e.*  "^ 

are  addled. 

16 

W 

Bill   >  O  <  hottish 

too 

i? 
18 

T 
F 

Thare  iz  lots  ov  people  in  this 

'9 

S 

S^~£^~  l^e  heart 

world   who   say   they  haint  got 

20 
21 
22 
23 

G 

M 
T 
W 

8    i/   *    ra««/   0 
fgt~T)  ailment  —  rt^ 
George  !-:*I:I«:*.' 

©  more  S  r<«'»*  © 

enny  faith  in  a  heaven  or  hell, 
and  yet  they  hav  got  faith  enuff 
to  invest  their  last  dollar  in  a 

24 

T 

\  •:•":*  Washington 

lottery  ticket,  or  a  bottle  ov  quak 

25 

F 

VJ  windy  a*  fit  VS 

medisin. 

26 

S 

cooler  *  •  '  into 

27 

G 

SSS  MgAtSS  S 

. 

28 

M 

the  s>^3i  revolushun 

I  kno  ov  men  whoze  word  iz 

29 

T 

^^  *  °*  WB;* 

better  than  their  bond,  these  are 

3U 

T 

litening   *«••   roo/ 

the  knight  errants  ov  honesty. 

THE    GORRILLA. 

The  gorrilla  iz  a  free-bom  citizen  ov  Western  Afrika, 
and  in  point  ov  intilekt,  averages  well  with  the  rest  ov 
the  natives.  They  are  about  5  foot  3  in  hight,  and  hav 
got  a  sanguine  temper,  wuss  than  a  fish  womans.  I 
never  saw  but  one  gorrilla,  and  he  waz  not  filled  with 
life,  but  waz  filled  with  straw.  I  dont  want  to  see 
another,  it  weakens  mi  respekt  for  mi  ansesstors.  They 
are  four  legged,  and  kan  walk  purpendikular,  or  hori 
zontal,  but  when  they  do  walk  uprite,  they  are  the  wust 
looking  relashuns  we  hav.  They-  liv  alone,  and  are 
more  terrible  in  a  ruff  and  tumble  fite,  than  enny  per 
son  that  livs.  I  hav  allwuss  wondered  whi  sum  one 
didn't  import  one  into  this  country,  and  match  him  for 
2  thousand  dollars  to  fite  in  a  ring.  I  am  oppozed  to 
ring  battles,  but  when  this  skirmish  takes  place,  i  want 
to  be  there,  and  bet  my  patrimony  on  to  the  gorrilla. 
May  the  best  man  win.  The  gorrilla  haz  a  good  appe- 
tight,  for  one  that  haint  been  kultivated,  and  will  eat 
enny  thing  he  kan  ketch,  from  a  coloured  brother  to  an 
anakondy  The  gorrilla  iz  no  doubt  good  for  sum- 
thing,  but  what  that  iz  i  kant  tell,  nor  dont  want  to 
know.  Farewell  yu  auphull,  ugly,  mizerable  kuss. 

The  end  ov  the  gorrilla. 


WEIGH. 

The  devil  holds  poor  kards,  but  he  allwuss  plays 
them  mighty  well 


A  man  with  a  very  small  hed  iz  like  a  pin  without 
enny,  very  apt  to  git  into  things  beyond  hiz  depth. 


31  Days.                    AUGUST.                            1879. 

VIRGO,                JS|t%     ™E  VIRGIN' 

Sweet  1  6  (sub  rosa  38). 

3 

3 

The  Slate. 

DRIPLETS. 

i 

F 

***  Big  Sam  «? 

2 

S 

shower  —  »—  •  Loyd 

Mules  are  like  sum  men,  after 

3 

G 

(Qhcaty  TH.   bon»3 

yu  hav  studdid  their  karakter  for 

4 
5 
6 

M 
T 
W 

mutch  —  n—  wrf 
X   1820  O  now  X 

if  ;'«.</    n  A  x    hive 

5  years  cluss,  the  best  thing  yu 
kan  do,  iz  to  git  an  average  on 

7 

T 

£  sou  *  east  *  |^~ 

them. 

8 

F 

bees  |  h-o-n-e-s-t-y 

—  —  an— 

9 
10 

G 

#•  more  jjfc«  hot  •# 

Thare  aint  nothing  so  cheap 

ii 

12 

M 

T 

—  —  iz  O  the  
thund  r  \  A  \  best 
O  and  P  policy  O 

az  bad  spellin,  and  if  it  iz  sutch 
an  element  of  suckcess  az  sum 

13 

T 

litening  6   &  M  oses 

shrewd   kriticks  hav  diskovered, 

15 

F 

(£  w;W  D  and  Q) 

they  owe  it   to  their  airs,   and 

16 

S 

/-*-£-.A-/JA-a-r-o-n 

assines,  to  adopt  it  at  once,  and 

17 

G 

5  hard  £  were  $ 

bekum  ritch  and  famus. 

18 

M 

shower  as.\a\   near 

19 

T 

|3£*  «ow  —  n  abor  s  jy^ 

——<XR  

20 

W 

mix  S  3   =  grate 

21 

T 

H-  /«/<?/*  ,Sr  /<?a/  -H 

No  man  haz  ever  yet  bekum 

22 

F 

K,a»t,e  4,  a/,V 

so  wize  az  to  kno  how  mutch  he 

23 

S 

#  Davis  J  kloudy  t 

luvs  himself,   and  how  little  hiz 

24 

G 

,  died  *  windy  a  ^  n 

nabor. 

2S 

M 

©flJl  1849  ,  Robert 

26 

T 

*  tig  %  Burns  * 

27 

W 

O  &  ^<V  ?¥<  waz 

It  iz  quite  common  to  meet 

28 

T 

more  \  a  »  7?  |  — 

people  who  hav  more  religion, 

29 
3o 

S 

.  ".  V.  'O'.O.  '/'.  tf.  T  '.  '. 

-rj>ploughman-  n- 

and  even  morality,  than  they  hav 

3i 

G 

®  Qil  •  rains  Q  © 

common  sense. 

QUESTIONS,  AND  ANSWERS. 

Q. — When  iz  the  right  time  to  marry  ? 

A. — Enny  whare  between  21,  and  ninety-four  years. 

Q.— What  iz  a  woman's  chief  joy  in  this  world  ? 
A. — Her  own  or  sumboddy  else's  baby. 

Q. — Which  iz  the  most  diffident,  and  humbel  krittcr 

aiming  the  animals  ? 
A. — A  bobtailed  kat,  probberbly. 

Q. — How  menny  yards  ov  5  dollar  silk  duz  it  take  to 

make  a  dress. 
A. — I  dont  kno,  but  it  allwuss  takes  2  yards  and  a  haff 

more  than  yu  buy  the  fust  time. 

Q. — What  do  mankind  gennerally  take  the  most  pride  in? 
A . — In  sumthing  their  nabors  haint  got,  nor  kant  git. 

Q. — What  two  persons  in  the  whole  congregashun,  need 

the  clusset  watching  ? 
A. — A  praying  pollytisian,  and  an  offishus  deakon. 

Q. — How  iz  the  best  way  to  git  rid  ov  kokroaches  ? 
A. — Sell  out  yure  house,  and  lot,  and  jine  the  gipseys. 
Q. — What  cums  the  nearest  to  makeing  a  woman  sware(? 
A. — To  hav  her  clothes  line  brake  when  it  iz  full  ov  a 

Monday's  washing. 

Q. — Which  iz  the  two  most  thankless  jobs  in  this  world  ? 
A. — To  keep  skool,  and  be  an  undertaker. 

Q. — How  do  yu  define  experience  ? 
A. — Experience  iz  the  science  ov  finding  out  how  deep 
a  mill  pond  iz,  by  wading  into  it,  and  drowning. 

DOUBLETS. 

I  kant  help  but  respekt  the  heathen,  they  hav  made 
az  good  a  showing  on  their  kapital,  az  the  Christians  hav. 

J  Q 

Next  to  the  mother  in  law,  cums  the  Grandmother, 
to  regulate  the  cook,  the  kat,  and  the  baby. 


30  Days.               SEPTEMBER.                       1879. 

LIBRA,             JTHT  ^      THE  SKALES, 

For  full  particulars  entire  ov  E.  <5»  T.  Fairbanks  &•  Co. 

• 

© 

The  Slate. 

HOT  STUfF. 

i 

2 

M 
T 

SS  Cool  •  now  <J 
and  \   pik    X    Q) 

Yung  man  studdy  politeness, 

3 

W 

Qkloudy  (I)  geese  O 

even  if   yu  ask  a  man  for  hiz 

4 

T 

Dave  -8  x  8-  rainy 

tooth  pik,  after  he  haz  got  dun 

5 
6 

7 

S 
G 

iVt   Pettibone   W* 
•w-i-n-d  m-a-r-r-i-d 
S  a  noM   he  Q  = 

using  it,  dont  fale  to  thank  him 
politely  for  it 

8 

M 

.£<zrf  6^5  marrid 

eoo  

9 

T 

»wr#     en     for—  v- 

10 

W 

—  v—  vietty    o    luv 

Lasting  friendships  kan  only 

ii 

T 

23  now  J  cooler  O 

exist  between  equals,  superiority 

12 

b 

chew  |  2^™  {  OT<W 

insists  upon  respekt,  and  inferi 

13 

14 

G 

A  apples  *  cooler  & 
Solaman  

ority  iz  too  often  apt  to  excite 

IS 

16 

M 

T 

ifc  Q  E  tlight  §  had 

pitty. 

17 

\V 

mutch   ^  frost  Is 

18 

T 
F 

S  E  wives  $  mtv 
—  windy   O    the  — 

If  yu  want  to  find  out  a  man's 

tm  karakter  examin  him  at  home 

20 

S 

warmy   $   litening 

0  f<W     J     bug  0 

bi  the  fire  side,  here  he  iz  the 

22 

M 

nights  4>J3?~$  puts 

hero   ov  the   ockashun,    and  iz 

23 

T 

—  |  a/i«^  If  in  |  — 

angelick,  or  devlish,  in  spite  ov 

24 

W 

himself! 

™  ' 

2S 

T 

5  Vt   p  more  y   j-Vt 

26 

F 

-a-p-p-e-a-r-a-n-c-e- 

27 
28 
29 

S 
G 
M 
T 

wet/ul  -  Gen.-*-  3 
9  windy  J  Jackson 
«»//  *  would  0  £ 
1  —  0  R?  sware  fl  0  — 

Thare  aint  no  sutch  things  az 
intenshuns,  all  things  that  we  hav 
are  diskovcryt. 

THE  APPLE  DUMPLIN. 

The  dumplin  are  about  the  natral  size  ov  yure  phist, 
made  out  ov  dough,  and  filled  with  apples.  They  are 
served  up  hot,  with  sum  sweet-tasteing  liniment  on  them, 
and  are  az  eazy  to  struggle  with  az  a  sugar-plum.  They 
aint  so  good  kold  az  they  ought  to  be.  Kold  dumplin, 
and  raw  potatoe,  eat  similar.  I  never  et  apple  dumplin 
yet,  without  thanking  the  Lord  for  that  one,  and  the 
Landlady  for  another  one.  Four  apple  dumplins,  at  one 
sitting,  iz  just  about  mi  size.  I  wish  i  knu  who  invented 
theze  kind-hearted  balls,  i  would  like  to  weep  over  hiz 
memory.  Punkin  pi,  and  apple  dumplin,  hav  dun  az 
mutch  to  civilize  man  az  enny  two  missionarys  that  hav 
ever  lived.  Good  vittles  iz  next  to  good  morals  enny 
how.  Yu  may  talk  about  virtew  az  mutch  az  yu  pleze, 
yu  kant  never  inokulate  a  man  with  virtew  fust  rate  on 
an  empty  stumrauk.  Giv  a  man  four  apple  dumplin, 
with  sum  good  kind  ov  ointment  on  them,  and  after  he 
haz  et  them,  and  they  hav  settled  down  to  hard  pan,  yu 
kan  krawl  up  to  him  on  either  side,  with  a  dose  of  mo 
rality,  or  even  sum  new  kind  of  sope,  for  taking  spots  out 
ov  clothes. 


A  STATEMENT. 

Thare  iz  nothing  about  a  man  that  will  outlast  a  nik- 
name,  it  will  stik  to  him,  az  long  az  a  bobtale  will  to  a 
dog. 


Most  people  repent  ov  their  sins  bi  thanking  God 
they  aint  so  wicked  az  their  nabors. 


31  Days.                   OCTOBER.                          1879. 

SCORPIO,         tf^pBfe^  THE  SKORPION. 

When  the  pinch  comes,  he  is  thar. 

O 

£ 

The  Slate. 

WILD  FLOWERS. 

i 

2 

W 
T 

1$  Frottly  -  now 
winde  <}  ask  a  \3 

Virtew  iz  the  only  standard  to 

3 

E 

fit,    **ar/>    B     for 

mezzure  men,  or  things  by,  it  iz 

4 
e 

o 

Jake  ")    sum   J^~ 

possible  to  be  grate,  and  devlish 

6 

M 

/•~»—  »-Tanner-  /—  »-> 

at  the  same  time. 

7 

T 

nu  |  died  |  s-i  d-e-r 

8 

T 

wind  -><  "-    wax 

10 

F 

(£  northy  A  hit  Q) 

Thare  iz  only  one  kind  ov  per 

ii 

S 

t  harp   O    0    * 

son  who  iz  fit  to  liv  in  solitude, 

12 

G 

^T   If   by  A  /r<w/ 

and  he  iz  the  one  who  iz  capable 

M 
i.S 

M 

T 
W 

G  tnuel  0  night  $ 
—  B-o-n-a-p-a-r-t  — 

ov  adorning  enny  posishun   in 
sosiety. 

16 

T 

kold  £    0    £  waz 

ajj 

17 

F 

SiSiS  &av«r  §+?i§ 

18 

S 

8JS+3             St    . 

Thore  who  hav  real  merit  are 

*9 

G 

as,*  f  r  e  n  c  h  ¥a> 

the  last  ones  to  see  it  in  them- 

21 

T 

-~  r—  •  falling  ^-r— 

selfs,  and  the  fust  ones  to  see  it 

22 

W 

^  p-a-r-i-e-n-t-s  Q) 

in  others. 

23 

T 

now  —  -H—  3  —  © 

24 

F 

O7>— 

g 

holder     ft     ?     for 

26 

-3  windy  «•  §  «o 

If  thare  ever  iz  a  perfektly 

27 

M 

$   O  chesnutts  M 

happy    person    found    in    this 

28 

T 

BagTtfE-v-el  ^3 

world,  it  will  be  the  one  who  haz 

29 
3° 

IV 
T 
F 

>  &>W  A  died  < 

got  but  little,   and   dont   want 
enny  thing  more. 

PUN  KIN     PI. 

Punkin  pi  iz  the  sass  ov  Nu  England.  They  are  vit- 
tles  and  drink,  they  are  joy  on  the  hafT-shell,  they  are 
glory  enuff  for  one  day,  and  are  good  kold  or  warmed 
up.  I  would  like  to  be  a  boy  again,  just  for  sixty  min- 
nitts,  and  eat  miself  phull  ov  the  blessed  old  mixtur. 
Enny  man  who  dont  luv  punkin  pi,  wants  watching  cluss, 
for  he  means  to  do  sumthin  mean  the  fust  good  chance 
he  kan  git.  Giv  me  all  the  punkin  pi  i  could  eat,  when 
i  waz  a  boy,  and  i  didn't  kare  whether  sunday-skool  kept 
that  day  or  not.  And  now  that  i  hav  grown  up  to  man 
hood,  and  hav  run  for  the  legislature  once,  and  only  got 
beat  856  votes,  and  am  thoroly  marrid,  thare  aint  noth 
ing  i  hanker  for  wuss,  and  kan  bury  quicker,  than  two- 
thirds  ov  a  good  old-fashioned  punkin  pi,  an  inch  and  a 
halff  thik,  and  well  smelt  up,  with  ginger  and  nutmeg. 
Punkin  pi  iz  the  oldest  Amerikan  beverage  i  kno  ov,  and 
ought  to  go  down  to  posterity  with  the  trade  mark  ov 
our  grandmothers  on  it ;  but  i  am  afrade  it  wont,  for  it  iz 
tuff  even  now  to  find  one  that  tastes  in  the  mouth  at  all 
az  they  did  40  years  ago. 


REMARKS. 

Noboddy  really  luvs  to  be  cheated,  but  it  duz  seem  az 
tho  every  one  waz  anxious  to  see  how  near  they  could 
cum  to  it. 


The  wust  tyrant  in  the  world  iz  the  wife  ov  a  henpekt 
husband. 


30  Days.                 NOVEMBER.                       1879. 

SAGITTARIUS,       ^^^V*    THE  ARCHER. 

Sarehing  for  the  Butts  Eye. 

g 
i 

2 

W 

The  Slate. 

FALLING  LEAVES. 

S 
G 

i  CVi///y  i   the 
•windful   H    snake 

Lasting  reputashuns  are  ov  a 

3 

M 

ft  now  A  seeks  /a 

slo  growth,  the  man  who  wakes 

4 

funicn 

up  famus  sum  morning,   iz  very 

S 
6 

7 

W 
T 
F 

g  _/?r«  V3  den  tS> 
Fred    <J    a   &>/<&r 
£  Smith  $  »V  3  * 

apt  to  go  to  bed  sum  night  and 
sleep  it  all  off. 

8 

S 

g  rains  ffl  wai  "3 

9 

G 

ft  fll  snowy  £7  a  3 

10 

ii 

M 

T 

«m»  $—*—»$  Stage 
«i>  /<y  flJZ  driver  H 

Man  waz  kreated  a  little  lower 

12 

W 

taxes  z%  n  5f  Fred 

than  the  angells,  and  he  haz  been 

'3 

T 

Q  »OT»  O  drove  s 

a  gitting  a  little  lower  ever  since. 

14 

F 

^y  O    D    O   from 

IS 

S 

pew  Belchertown  ^[| 

008  

16 

G 

gj2^~  r^w^    K    into 

i? 

M 

now  *  Boston  E  $ 

A  man  with  a  very  small  hed 

18 

T 

on   him   iz   like   a  pin  without 

20 

T 

/A/  D   ©    Q  grows 

enny,  very  apt  to  git  into  things 

21 

F 

ft    disconsolate    ft 

beyond  hiz  depth. 

22 

s 

23 

G 

23  wind  Siamese  3 

rrti 

Ol/J 

24 

M 

///"//  TTI  twins  ty 

25 

T 

-8   OTOT^  A  hav   Q 

I  hav  seen  folks  who  i  thought 

26 

W 

/mm/    s   departed 

had  too  mutch  propriety,  it  would 

27 
28 

2Q 

T 
F 
S 

o  our  ~  rainy  « 
fourfathen  rji  /Sarrf 
3   har  ±  y>(7//   0 

be  a  relief  to  see  them  do  sum- 
thing  just  a  little  phoolish,  once 

y 

G 

gone    ©    g    alass  1 

in  a  while. 

PERSONALS. 


%*  H.  J.  B. — If  the  lady  with  lavender  poodle,  would 
like  tew  swop  dogs,  Barney  O'Toole  iz  her  man. 

B.    OTOOLB. 


%*  D. — Dont  menshun  it ;  mum  iz  the  word.     Star 
ov  buty,  the  goose  hangeth  hi. 

LOVER. 


%*  SWEETNESS. — Virtew  iz  her  own  cashier ;  the  violet 
iz  blu ;  the  racoon  haz  a  bushy  tail ;  man  waz  made  tew 
mourn ;  meet  me  at  the  pea-nut  stand. 

HARROLD. 


%*  SPONGKAKE. — Dost  luv  me?  The  kold  moon 
listened  when  yu  breathed  a  vow  in  Bridget  Costello's 
ear ;  dont  go  back  on  me  Patrik,  if  thou  dost,  be  jabbers 
i  will  hav  satisfackshun. 

BRIDGET. 


%*  BILL  MUSTACH. — Dont  put  on  airs;  how  about 
that  box  ov  5  cent  cigars  yu  owe  for?  Yure  wash 
woman  mourns  yure  abscence. 

SAM  FEEL. 


31  Daya                 DECEMBER.                       1879. 

CAPRICORNUS,    ^^JSKjEl        THE  GOAT. 

A  strong  Suffer  (I  don't  like  strong  butter). 

8 

[1 

The  Slate. 

FA  G  ENDS. 

i 

M 

9  Bitter  fi  now 

2 

T 

k.o-l-d  ',.  f^.  .;  set 

The  world  all  praze  the  philoso 

3 

W 

•H-  *'/  iji  tnowt  iff 

phers,  but  toss  their  pennys  into 

4 
5 

F 

t3?~"  o  down  n  _^0J 
e&kolder  3  $ 

the  caps  ov  the  monkeys. 

6 

S 

®  before  O  ncwi§ 

7 

G 

the  *~*—  a  oV;'«£ 

cos  

8 

M 

*  kitchen  V?  hot  t 

9 

T 

stuff  %  «   »  T  fire 

It  iz  allwus  safe  to  follow  the 

IO 

T 

ITU  /wo>v  &  now  ^ 

religious  beleaf  that  our  Mother 

12 

F 

/wa»  O  4f  Q)  krak 

taught  us,  —  thare  never  waz  a 

13 

S 

*  ^;^  J  wallnuts  <J 
winds  $  jj  0  now 

Mother  yet,  who  taught  her  child 

14 

G 

M 

O    &£•  -H-  post    O 

to  be  an  infidel. 

0 

-*•  8  s-t-o-r-m  T}  ^j 

16 

T 

,  —  ^§  Books  §-«  —  v 

—  cos  

T   C 

sleety  ©»^t®  now 

IO 

F 

>  more  ^l  read  < 
—  Hy  stormy  £f  — 

Employment  iz  the  grate  boon 

20 

S 

A|l§l§m§i§n|a§x 

ov  life,  a  man  with  nothing  to  do, 

2T 

G 

Q  now  it  thaws  0 

iz  not  haff  so  interesting,   az  a 

22 

23 

T 

sing  If  holder  ©  sii 
s  Vi  A  psalms  f  now 

ripening  turnip. 

24 

W 

^  j«cw  TIE  Eat  ? 

25 
26 

T 

F 

3    S    S    3    pork 

27 

S 

3  </.**-/  -8   ©  0 

Sarkasm  iz  a  keen  weapon,  but 

28 
29 

G 
M 
T 
W 

fj,  3  «•  J/awj  o 

Good                 E"*c 

in  handling  it,  menny  people  take 
holt  ov  the  blade,  insted  of  the 
handle. 

ty  S  Boys  S  C3p- 
Yours,  frtfa§  J.  B. 

ECCENTRICITIES  OF  GENIUS 

By  Major  J.  B.  Pond. 


READ    WHAT    IS    SAID    OF    IT. 


"  It  is  distinctly  one  of  the  most  in 
teresting  books  of  the  year  from  any 
point  of  view." — Rochester  Sunday 
Herald. 

"  It  is  many  a  day  since  I  have  read 
so  fascinating  a  book  of  reminiscences. 
Many  a  day — or  perhaps  I  should 
have  said  a  'night' — for  this  volume 
has  given  me  delight  during  hours, 
•when,  according  to  the  laws  of  nature, 
I  should  have  been  asleep." — Newell 
Dwight  Hillis. 

"  One  of  the  most  simple,  naive  and 
straightforward  books  ever  written. 
It  fairly  reeks  with  personality.  .  .  . 
No  man  living  has  had  such  interest 
ing  association  with  so  many  inter 
esting  people." — Home  Journal. 

"  Adorned  by  many  pictures,  never 
Lefore  published." — Detroit  Journal. 

"  Possesses  unparalleled,  attrac 
tions." — Boston  Journal. 

"  Major  Pond  goes  deep  into  his 
subject,  tarnishing  pen-portraits  that 
are  admirably  clear  and  graphic."— 
Tke  Mail  and  Express. 

''  The  whole  book,  stuffed  as  it  is 
with  anecdotes  and  extracts  from 
personal  letters,  is  marvelously  inter 
esting." — Boston  Transcript. 


"All  the  world  loves  a  tel!er  of 
stories,  and  readers  will  surdy  take 
approvingly  to  the  man  who  gives 
them  so  much  cf  entertaining  reading 
as  is  found  in  Major  Pond  s  600  pages 
of  bright  personal  description."— 
N.  Y.  Times. 

"  Shining  by  reflected  light,  its  pages 
literally  teem  with  interesting  anec 
dotes  of  many  sorts." — Chicago  Even 
ing  Post. 

"  Originality  stamps  the  volume, 
copiously  illustrated  with  portraits.  ' 
— The  Boston  Globe. 

"  It  has  a  thousand  charms,  and  a 
thousand  points  of  interest.  It  is  full 
of  striking  gems  of  thought,  rare  de> 
scriptions  of  men  and  places,  biogra 
phical  bits  that  delight  one  by  thei» 
variety,  and  the  distinction  of  those 
alluded  to.  From  a  literary  view  it  is 
as  interesting  as  Disraeli's  famous 
"Curiosities  of  Liter ature."--/^*/^ 
delpkia  Item. 

"If  any  more  charming  and  Inter 
esting  book  has  appeared  this  season, 
it  has  not  come  to  our  notice.  The 
get-up  is  worthy  of  the  matter  of  the 
book."— Philadelphia  Evening  Ttie- 


I 


It  is  a  handsome  octavo  volume,  5^  x  8£  inches,  of  620  pages,  with  nearly 
ico  half-tone  portrait  illustrations.  Beautifully  bound  in  English  silk  cloth, 
with  gold  stamp  on  side,  gilt  top,  At  ail  Bookstores.  $3.50. 


THE  VOYAGE  OF  ITHOBAL 

BT 

SIR  EDWIN  ARNOLD 

Ithobal  was  the  first  African  explorer  we  know 
about.  He  was  a  sea  captain  of  Tyre,  who  rescued 
and  married  an  African  Princess,  and  then  induced 
the  King  of  Egypt  to  put  him  in  charge  of  a  voyage 
of  exploration  of  the  wonderful  land  of  his  wife's 
birth. 

After  a  voyage  of  fifteen  thousand  miles  around 
Africa,  he  returns  after  numerous  and  exciting  ad 
ventures,  which  bring  out  almost  every  feature  of 
African  life  and  scenery.  Ithobal  relates  the  story 
of  his  enterprise  in  a  discourse  of  seven  days  before 
the  throne  of  Pharaoh,  who  crowns  him  with  honors. 

SIR  HENRY  M.  STANLEY,  in  a  letter  to  the  author, 
says  of  it: — "You  have  added  greatly  to  the 
happiness  of  many  of  your  race  by  the  production 
of  so  unique  a  poem,  so  rich  in  the  beauties  of  the 
sweet  English  language." 

Other  able  critics  who  have  read  the  blind  poet's 
new  epic  poem  unite  in  calling  it  even  better  than 
the  old  favorite,  **  The  Light  of  Asia." 


I2mo,  Goth,  GOi  Top.     Illustrated  from  36  drawings 
Arthur  Lumley.    $1.50 


EQUAL  PAETtfEBS.    By  Howard  Fielding, 

By  HOWARD  FIELDING.  "This  is  a  thoroughly  enjoyable  de 
tective  story,  written  in  good,  crisp  style,  and  with  a  decided 
surprise  in  the  last  pages.  It  is  adroitly  contrived  that  almost 
every  character  in  the  book  shall  be  suspected  of  the  crime  of 
attempted  murder  before  the  actual  culprit  is  discovered.  The 
characters  are  excellently  differentiated,  and  the  story  is 
vastly  diverting,  nor  are  there  any  repulsive  features  about 
the  book.  It  is  a  stirring  tale  and  will  enliven  a  dull  evening 
successfully." — Chicago  Tribune.  Illustrated.  Cloth  bound. 

$1.25 

DORIS  KINGSLEY,  Child  and  Colonist. 

By  EMMA  RAYNER,  author  of  "Free  to  Serve,"  "In  Castle  and 
Colony,"  etc.  This  story  of  the  South  in  the  first  half  of  the 
eighteenth  century,  opens  with  one  of  the  strangest  episodes 
in  the  early  history  of  South  Carolina — the  pursuit  and  cap 
ture  by  the  Governor  of  Carolina  of  a  pirate  vessel,  full,  not 
of  treasure,  but  of  English  men  and  women;  and  the  selling 
of  those  same  unfortunate  voyagers  as  bond  servants  in  the 
colony.  Doris  Kingsley,  a  child  stolen  from  the  streets  of 
London,  is  the  youngest  of  the  party,  and  is  the  heroine  of  the 
story.  Doris  Kingsley  is  a  novel  of  absorbing  interest, 
dramatic  and  historically  true.  Illustrated.  Cloth  bound. 

$1.50 

OLD  JED  PEOUTY  ( A  Narrative  of  the  Penobscot), 

By  RICHARD  GOLDEN  and  MARY  C.  FRANCIS.  In  "Old  Jed 
Prouty"  the  reading  public  is  presented  with  a  New  England 
character  story  of  unusual  interest  and  merit.  The  plot,  al 
though  not  an  involved  one,  hides  enough  mystery  to  lend 
the  spice  of  the  unknown  to  the  reader's  zest,  and  the  simple 
and  natural  denouement  emphasizes  the  high  moral  ethics  of 
the  story,  and  throws  into  strong  relief  the  deep  human  senti 
ments  that  dominate  the  tale.  Standing  out  above  all,  in 
fusing  into  the  fiber  of  every  chapter  the  rugged  sincerity,  the 
homely  wit  and  the  quaint  philosophy  of  New  England,  is 
the  central  character  about  which  the  pivot  of  the  story  turns, 
"Old  Jed  Prouty,"  real  in  name  and  real  in  goodness,  who 
at  the  time  of  his  life,  some  thirty  years  since,  was  a  land 
mark  in  the  Valley  of  the  Penobscot.  Cloth  beund.  .  $1.50 


A  MASTER  OF  FORTUNE,  being  Further  Adventures  of  "Captain 

Kettle." 

By  CUTCLIFFE  HYNE.  "It  has  the  dash  and  tinge  of  reality  that 
makes  you  feel  as  if  you  were  in  the  midst  of  it  all." — Detroit 
Fr<ee  Press. 

"The  many  readers  who  followed  with  bated  breath  the  wild 
adventures  of  Captain  Kettle  in  the  book  named  for  him,  will 
welcome  Cutcliffe  Hyne's  new  collection  of  tales  dealing  with 
that  remarkable  sea  dog.  The  volume  is  well  called  'A  Mas 
ter  of  Fortune.'  " — Philadelphia  Press. 

"Nobody  who  has  followed  the  gallant  sailor — diminutive,  but 
oh,  my ! — in  his  previous  adventures  around  the  earth,  is 
going  to  miss  this  red-hot  volume  of  marvelous  exploits." — 
N.  Y,  World,  Illustrated.  Cloth  bound.  .  .  ,  $1.50 


THE  ADVENTURES  OF  CAPTAIN  SETTLE, 

By  CUTCLIFFE  HYNE.  The  best  sea  story  since  the  days  of 
Marryat.  Captain  Kettle  is  a  devil-may-care  sea  dog,  half 
pirate  and  half  preacher.  The  author  carries  him  through 
many  hairbreadth  escapes  and  makes  him  a  character  that 
will  live  long  in  the  annals  of  fiction.  The  success  of  this 
book  is  marvelous.  Over  80,000  copies  have  been  sold.  Il 
lustrated.  Cloth  bound.  ,,,...  $1.50 


TEE  MULLIGANS,    A  Novel, 

By  EDWARD  HARRIGAN.  The  New  York  World  says:  "Mr. 
Harrigan  gave  to  his  Mulligan  dramas  the  most  distinctly 
typical  character  plays  which  have  ever  been  seen  on  the 
native  stage.  They  were  studied  and  displayed  straight  from 
».he  life  of  New  York  and  their  popularity  was  unbounded. 
His  book  is  one  of  the  most  generally  interesting  of  the  new 
season's  output." 

//  is  a  marvelously  entertaining  novel,  possessing  a  keen 
ness  of  wit  and  humor  unsurpassed  by  any  recent  work.  All 
the  characters  stand  out,  as  true  to  life,  as  natural  and  as 
vivid  as  if  portrayed  by  Dickens.  I2mo.  Cloth  bound.  Il 
lustrated.  Price, 


NORMAN  HOLT,  a  Story  of  the  Army  of  the  Cumberland. 
By  GENERAL  (Capt.)  CHARLES  KING.  "No  more  charming  his 
toric  war  story  has  ever  been  written.  It  is  Captain  King's 
best,  and  bearing,  as  it  does,  on  the  great  battle  of  Mission 
Ridge,  although  the  story  is  woven  in  fiction,  it  adds  an  in 
valuable  record  of  that  gigantic  contest  between  the  two 
great  armies." 

"The  characters  are  real,  their  emotions  natural,  and  the  ro 
mance  that  is  interwoven  is  delightful.  It  is  wholesome  and 
one  of  General  King's  best,  if  not  his-  best  book." — N.  Y. 
Journal. 

"From  the  first  chapter  to  the  last  page  the  interest  of  the 
reader  never  fags.  General  King  has  written  no  more  bril 
liant  or  stirring  novel  than  'Norman  Holt.' " — N.  Y.  Press. 
Illustrated,  cloth  bound $1.25 

JOHN  HENEY,  (25th  Thousand,) 

By  HUGH  McHucn.  "  'John  Henry'  has  just  'butted'  its  way 
in  between  the  literary  bars  and  capered  over  the  book  coun 
ters  to  the  tune  of  twelve  thousand  copies  before  its  pub 
lishers  could  recover  their  breath. 

"Every  page  is  as  catchy  as  a  bar  from  a  popular  song. 

"The  slang  is  as  correct,  original  and  smart  as  the  newest 
handshake  from  London. 

"In  the  lottery  of  humorous  books  'John  Henry'  seems  to  ap 
proximate  the  capital  prize." — N.  Y.  Journal. 

"All  who  have  laughed  over  'Billy  Baxter'  will  heartily  enjoy 
this  book." — The  Bookseller,  Newsdealer  and  Stationer. 
Cloth  bound $0.75 

THE  KIM  OF  HONEY  ISLAND,  (45th  Thousand.) 
By  MAURICE  THOMPSON,  author  of  "Alice  of  Old  Vincennes," 
etc.  "  'The  King  of  Honey  Island'  bears  quite  as  many  marks 
of  the  genius  of  the  author  as  does  'Alice  of  Old  Vincennes,' 
with  the  additional  charm,  perhaps  of  more  buoyancy  and 
beauty  of  thought  and  expression.  In  'Alice'  Mr.  Thompson 
plumed  himself  as  a  master  word  painter.  In  'The  King  of 
Honey  Island'  he  developed  into  a  veritable  American  Ouida, 
for  his  descriptive  powers  are  marvelous.  Like  the  true 
artist  that  he  was,  he  paints  Nature  as  it  looks,  not  as  it  is, 
jo  that  the  reader,  in  glimpsing  the  battle  of  New  Orleans, 
hears,  almost,  the  cannon's  roar." — The  Topeka  Capital. 
Illustrated,  cloth  bound $l-$0 


JOHN  WINSLOW. 

By  HENRY  D.  NORTHROP.  "  'John  Winslow'  is  one  of  those  In 
viting  books  of  country  life  of  which  the  best  part  of  'Eben 
Holden'  has  come  to  be  the  accepted  type.  Plenty  of  shrewd 
common  sense  in  the  chief  character,  a  dash  of  love  on  the 
side,  an  incidental  and  inevitable  bit  of  human  wickedness — 
but  everything  in  the  picture  and  the  framing  attractive.  This 
is  a  book  for  a  wide  reach  among  readers." — N.  Y.  World. 

"Properly   ranks   with   'Ebera   Holden,'    'David   Harum,'    and 

'Quincy  Adams  Sawyer.'  The  four  may  be  put  in  a  class  by 
themselves  as  distinctive  types  of  homespun  Americans." — 
The  North  American. 

"Worthy  to  live  with  'David  Harum"  and  'Eben  Holden.'  " — 
Publishers'  Weekly.  I2mo,  illustrated,  cloth  bound.  $1.50 

UNDEB  A  LUCKY  STAE,  a  New  Book  on  Astrology. 
By  CHARLOTTE  ABELL  WALKER.  Tells  what  occupation  to  adopt, 
and  what  line  of  life  to  follow,  what  associates  and  partners 
to  choose,  how  to  fecognize  the  possibilities  and  limitations 
of  our  friends  and  ourselves,  and  of  other  important  matters 
to  human  life,  including  suggestions  on  marriage,  being  mainly 
culled  from  the  minds  of  ancient  and  modern  philosophers. 
Illustrated,  cloth  bound $1.50 

THE  WAY  OF  A  MAN  WITH  A  MAID, 

By  FRANCES  GORDEN  FANE.  A  clever,  well-written  story,  full 
of  love  and  pathos,  and  thrilling  with  dramatic  crises.  Each 
step  of  the  domestic  tragedy  is  skilfully  portrayed,  until  the 
final  climax  is  reached. 

"Its  author  has  made  it  a  powerful,  telling  story  to  read." — 
N.  Y.  World. 
Cloth     bound $1.50 

THE  OEOSSEOADS  OP  DESTINY,  a  Story  of  Chivalry  in  the  Fif 
teenth  Century. 

By  JOHN  P.  HITTER.  Author  of  "The  Man  Who  Dared."  This 
is  a  wonderfully  interesting  story,  and  will  find  a  welcome 
with  all  who  love  to  read  of  deeds  of  chivalry. 
"It  is  a  clean,  clear  and  clever  story  of  chivalry  at  its  best, 
and  will  find  a  great  many  well-pleased  readers." — New  York 
World.  Cloth  bound,  illustrated $1.25 


OF  CALIFOF^         T  TBRARY 


3  1158  00302  7447 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


AA    000695512    4 


PN 
6161 
S53jo 
1902 


